The Consequences of Forever (1) (37 page)

Chapter Forty-One

             
“That Hannah sure is funny,” Lila commented after we’d taken our seats at the hotel restaurant. It felt so strange, knowing we’d met here less than a week ago, for our first real conversation.

             
“Yeah, she tends to be amusing,” I agreed.

Hannah and Lila had hit it off, like I’d expected. I wished Hannah didn’t have plans with Nolan that night, so I could have invited her along, in the hopes that whatever Lila had to tell me, she wouldn’t do so in front of Hannah.

              “I’m glad I got to meet her.”

             
“What do you mean?” I demanded.

             
Lila raised her eyebrows. “Nothing, sweetie. But you mentioned to me before that she was really busy with her boyfriend lately, so I was assuming I wouldn’t get the chance to meet her.”

             
“Oh,” I replied, feeling a little embarrassed for jumping at her, but I felt on edge.

             
Lila smiled at me, looking completely unconcerned. Maybe her motives for tonight really were innocent; maybe she really just wanted to spend a little extra time with me. “What are you going to order?” She asked, examining the menu. “I think I’m going to go all out tonight, and order some seafood. What do you think?”

             
“Are pregnant people allowed to eat seafood?”

             
“I have no idea,” Lila admitted with a laugh. “I don’t think I ate it at all when I was pregnant with you, so maybe it’s better to avoid it, just to be safe.”

             
“What was it like? Being pregnant with me, I mean.” I suddenly needed to know.

             
Lila tilted her head to the side, looking at me over her menu. “I don’t really know how to answer that, sweetie. It was my first and only time, so it alternated between me feeling nauseas and ready to explode, to absolutely magical.”

             
I wondered if I’d ever felt magical, being pregnant. I didn’t think I had, but maybe I’d blocked it somehow.

             
“So where is Adam tonight?” Lila asked, finally placing her menu down. “To be honest, I was a little surprised you were able to come out to dinner.”

             
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “We’re kind of not speaking right now.”

             
“Really.” A look crossed Lila’s face, but it was gone before I had the chance to try and decipher what it meant.

             
“It’s okay,” I said quickly, wanting to reassure myself more so than her. “Things are just stressful right now, with the baby coming so soon and everything.”

             
“Did you tell him about the furniture?” She asked, smiling again.

             
“No,” I admitted. “I didn’t really get a chance to. But he’ll be excited about it. I’m sure he’ll just be happy to not be stuck helping me find stuff himself.”

             
“Oh, I’m sure. Your father was no help.”

The waiter came, interrupting our conversation. We placed our orders, and then Lila turned back to me, that same indecipherable look on her face.

              “Lainey, we need to talk,” she began, and I knew.

             
“You’re leaving,” I filled in for her. “Aren’t you?”

             
“Well, yes, I am. But that isn’t what I wanted to talk about.”

             
I looked away from her, wanting to focus my eyes on anything but her face. This hurt way more than it should. I’d known since she showed up at my door a week ago that this wasn’t going to be permanent. I just hadn’t expected it to be so temporary.

             
“Lainey, please look at me.”

             
“I don’t want you to go,” I whispered, my voice so low, I wondered if she could even hear me. I forced myself to look at her, forced myself to see my face in hers. I wondered if Harper would look like me, if I’d ever look into her little face and see myself, if I’d see Adam. If I’d see Lila.

             
“Sweetie, you knew I had to leave eventually, didn’t you? I have an entire life back in San Francisco.”

             
“I know,” I admitted, wiping at my eyes, where tears had unexpectedly began to spill. “I know.”

             
“This week has been amazing though, hasn’t it?” She reached across the table for my hand, and I gave her both, letting the tears spill freely. I was sixteen, I was pregnant, and my mom was leaving for the third time in my life. If there was ever a time where crying in public was acceptable, it was now.

             
“Yeah, it has.”

             
“I wish I hadn’t been away for so long.”

             
“I wish you hadn’t, either, Mom.”

             
Her eyes widened slightly, and her lips parted in the brightest smile I’d seen from her yet. “You called me Mom.”

             
“Yeah, I guess I did. Mom.” I laughed at myself, at how strange the words sounded coming from my lips.

             
“You have no idea how amazing it is to hear you say that, Lainey. I love you, very, very much.”

             
“I love you, too.” And I did. I always had, but I’d spent so long trying to avoid those feelings, deny them, to save myself from the hurt of her absence. It had never worked, and finally it didn’t have to. Even if she was leaving already, she had become a part of my life, and I wasn’t going to let that go.

             
She hesitated for a moment, as if reconsidering what she was going to say next. I wanted desperately for her to say that I was more important, that she wasn’t going to go back home, she’d start over new, here. With me. With this baby that would be her granddaughter. I could forgive her, I decided, if she could start all over again with Harper. I’d still have been without a mom growing up, but at least Harper would have both of her grandmothers around. Weren’t we supposed to want more for our children than we’d ever had? At least Lila being around would be a start.

             
“Lainey,” she said softly. “I’m leaving this weekend.”

             
I felt my heart drop, again. “Why so soon?”

             
“I wasn’t planning on it, but I got a few phone calls earlier from the employee I had running my store, and apparently the books are all messed up. I have to get back and fix it. But sweetie, I don’t want that to be the end of this. I want you to come with me.”

             
I stared at her, wondering if I’d heard her correctly. Go with her?

             
“I can’t go on a vacation,” I protested. “I’m due in less than a month. What if I went into labor on the plane?”

             
Lila laughed softly. “I’m not talking about a vacation, Lainey. I want you to come with me to live with me.”

             
The words settled into my brain, but still didn’t make any sense. Move to California?

             
“I don’t think Adam would want to move so far away from his parents,” I told her. “Especially since he has a job lined up here, with his uncle. He’d never go for it.”

             
“I understand that, but I’m not talking about Adam. I’m talking about you and Harper.”

             
“What?” There was no way I could have heard her correctly. No possible way.

             
She was still holding my hands in hers, and she squeezed them gently. “Lainey, I want you to move back with me. Honestly, honey, you and Adam are too young. I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did, marrying your father because I was pregnant with his child, only to divorce him a year later. I want so much more than that with you.”

             
“I’m not marrying Adam because I’m pregnant,” I protested. “I’m going to marry him because I love him, and because he loves me.”

             
“Lainey, sweetie, do you really believe you’d be engaged right now if you weren’t pregnant?”

             
“No,” I admitted reluctantly. “But that’s just the circumstance. We’d still get married, eventually. We’re just doing it sooner, because we want Harper to have a family.”

             
“A family doesn’t have to be a mother and a father; it can be a mother and a grandmother, too. And I’m not saying Adam shouldn’t be part of Harper’s life, I would never say that. But I think it’s best for everyone, if we did this. We could give her the stability she needs and deserves, and I’d pay for Adam to visit whenever he’d like.”

             
“No,” I whispered, shaking my head. It sounded all wrong. I couldn’t leave Adam. Not now, after all we’d been through together.

             
“Don’t say no,” Lila pleaded. “Just think about it. I’m planning on leaving tomorrow, but I could push it back a day if you need more time. But really, you shouldn’t. This is the perfect situation, Lainey. We could have the family we never got to have before, just the two of us and little Harper.”

             
I had a clear image of us then, the three of us. I pictured Harper as a toddler, instead of a newborn. She would have white-blonde hair, the same as Lila’s, and eyes the color of a cloudless sky, like me. She would be smiling, happy. Our family wouldn’t be normal, but it would work, right? I was sixteen; there was no way I could give her the most normalcy possible, and marrying her father wouldn’t change that. It wouldn’t change the fact that we were still too young for all this.

             
I ran through all the statistics I had read before, about young marriages. The divorce rate on average was so high, and it was especially so when you married young. Was it even possible we could beat the odds? I wanted to believe so, but everyone who got married believed their marriage would never end in divorce. Everyone but Lila. She’d all but admitted she knew her marriage to my father wasn’t going to last, and she was warning me from making the same mistakes she’d made. I should listen to her, shouldn’t I?

             
The day in early January floated back into my memory, the day I found out about Adam’s secret. About the girl that had come before me, the baby that could have been. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, finding that out had made me lose faith in Adam, at least a little bit. Would I ever be able to get over that? Was I just fooling myself, believing that this marriage, this family could really work?

             
Our food finally arrived, and I made no move to actually eat. My stomach was in knots, my brain whirling with all the possible decisions I would have to make, each decision sounding more impossible than the one before it.

             
I stared at the woman across from me, the woman I’d never really known but had always wanted back, so badly. I pictured Adam in my head, his unexpectedness, his charm. The girl before me, the child he could have had before.  I pictured Harper representing all of the things that could have been; the good and the bad, and I didn’t know how to feel about that. I didn’t think it was fair to rest so many expectations on one child.

             
I had yearned for my mother all my life. Adam was never something I’d chosen, he had just happened. My mother, with her ability to turn off her feelings in an instant, and Adam, who could love me so endlessly and yet hide the biggest secrets. My mother, who re-entered my life with promises to make it better than it had ever been before and Adam, proposing to me in the moonlight on Valentine’s Day.

I loved them both so much, and needed them equally, but couldn’t have it all. Out of all the decisions I’d been faced with recently, this one felt the most difficult. How was I ever going to know what was right?

Chapter Forty-Two

             
Adam’s car was in the driveway when I got home, but I knew that meant nothing. He hadn’t sent me a single message or tried to call once the entire time I was out, so for all I knew, he was at his parent’s house, sleeping in his old bedroom.

             
When I opened the door to the guest house, I was fairly certain that was exactly what he was doing. The lights were all off. I stood in the middle of the living room for a second, feeling panicky and calm all at once, if such an emotion really even existed.

             
I’d made my choice, but maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe in the end, I was destined to lose both of them, the way I’d lost my father and Nora.

             
Then I noticed the light coming from underneath the nursery door.

             
I walked over and pushed it open, and sure enough, there stood Adam, hanging a picture on the wall. I stepped back for a minute, stunned. He had hung all the pictures I’d chosen from the albums in a mural that would face her crib. The faces she was supposed to see first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I felt like crying, but my tears were all dried up.

             
Adam turned, seeming surprised to see me. I placed my hand over my chest, not wanting to speak but knowing that eventually, I would. I’d have to tell him.

             
“Out with Lila?” He asked, his voice even. He turned back to the pictures.

             
“She’s my mother,” I whispered.

             
“Yeah, I know.”

             
“She loves me.”

             
“I know that, Lainey. I never said she didn’t.”

             
“I want her in my life, Adam.” I was glad my tears were all dried up then. I didn’t want to cry anymore, and those words were enough to make the urge to sob come back, full force.

             
He sighed and put the framed picture he was holding down on a nearby table. He turned to me. “I know, Lainey. I get that, believe me. But you’ve been completely avoiding everyone and everything since she came, and I don’t like it.”

             
“I want her in my life,” I repeated. There was so much I needed to say, so much I had to tell him, but those were the only words that seemed to come. “I need her in my life.”

             
I burst into tears.

             
Adam walked over to me and immediately wrapped me in his arms, and all those old feelings of safety and security washed over me. “I’m sorry,” he told me, even though he had nothing to be sorry about. All he’d ever done was love me, even when he didn’t have to. Even when maybe he shouldn’t have. His past was his past, but during our time together, he was guilty of nothing but keeping that past to himself, something that maybe I could understand. I wished there were certain things in my past I could hide, even from myself. Certain things I wished I could erase altogether.

             
“I’m sorry, too,” I sobbed into his chest.

             
He held me tighter. “Don’t be, Lainey, please. I’ve been so selfish. I guess in a way I’ve been jealous, feeling like she’s taking you away from me or something. I’m so sorry.”

             
“She wants to,” I managed to gasp out, burying my face in his chest. He pulled back slightly, holding me by the shoulders and staring down at me, confused.

             
“What?”

             
I reached up to wipe my eyes, but it was pointless. The tears kept coming, faster than I could brush them away.

             
“She wants me to move to California with her.”

             
“What? Why?”

             
The shock in his voice was almost tangible, and made me feel more anxious than I already was. “She wants me to start my life over with her. She regrets not being there my entire life, and she wants a second chance. She deserves one, don’t you think? I mean, what she did was wrong and I’ll always hold that with me, but she was so young, Adam. Not that much older than me. She didn’t know what she was doing…”

             
“You can’t be serious.” He dropped his hands from my shoulders and looked at me with a mixture of shock and horror. “You can’t seriously be considering this?”

             
I said nothing, and he began pacing.

             
“You can’t take my daughter away from me, Lainey. I won’t allow it.”

             
“But she’s my mom,” I whispered, like that somehow made a difference. What a tangled mess this had all turned out to be. I’d spent so much of my life longing for a family, and seemingly overnight I’d gone from none to having to choose between two. I didn’t know which felt worse.

             
“She had her chance! Yeah, she was young and stupid but she still had her chance. She had sixteen years of chances, Lainey, and she waits until now? She’s not taking my daughter away.” The determination in his voice was clear, and I felt like I was shrinking into myself with every word he spoke.

             
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing to tears to stop but my body wouldn’t listen. I never remembered feeling this sad before, in my entire life. It couldn’t be good for the baby, but the knowledge of that wasn’t enough to make the feeling go away.

             
“I don’t want her to leave.”

             
“I get that, but you can’t go with her. Lainey, be real. You can’t leave.” The anger was fading, and panic was seeping into his words. I opened my eyes, and noticed he was crying. His dark eyes were full of still unshed tears; his face streaked with the ones that escaped.

             
“I’m not,” I managed to say, choking on the words. “I’m not leaving.”

             
“Then what…? Why are you so upset?” He wiped his face frantically, and walked back over to me.

             
“I don’t want her to leave,” I sobbed into his chest once again. “She’s my mom, Adam. I want her around. I don’t want this, at all.”

             
He held me close and stroked my hair, my back. “I know,” he whispered into my ear. “I know.” But I could still hear the relief in his voice.

             
“She’s mad,” I continued. “She’s actually mad at me, can you believe it? She’s mad because I chose to stay here, with you, and not go with her. I hate this so much, Adam.”

             
“I know, baby, I know.” He held me closer. “She’ll get over it tomorrow, you’ll see. She’ll call and you’ll talk and it’ll all be fine.”

             
“No, it won’t.” I said. “She’s leaving tomorrow morning. I’m not going to see her again. Adam, what if I never see her again?”

             
“That won’t happen,” he reassured me. “She’s not going to walk out of your life again, not after this. She’s just angry and maybe a little hurt, but she’ll get over it. You’ll see.” His words were comforting, but hard to believe. I clung to him, wanting him to squeeze all the bad feelings away, like he used to. But something deep in the back of my mind told me that even Adam couldn’t do that.

             
It hadn’t been an easy decision. To choose between your own mother, such a permanent fixture of your past, and your fiancé, such an impermanent part of your future, was near impossible. But in the end, Harper had decided for me. I knew that growing up without my mother had been too hard, and I didn’t want her to face the same reality, growing up without a father. Especially a father that would prove to be so loving and as devoted as Adam.

             
“God, you scared me,” he whispered after a few minutes. “I thought you were going to tell me you were leaving. I have no idea what I would do without you, Lainey. No idea.”

             
“I could never leave,” I told him, and meant it to the best of my ability. “I love you.”

             
He held me close, in the only lit room of that tiny house, holding our bodies as close together as they could possibly be. In a few weeks, it would be three of us.

             
My mind wandered to the past week, the sudden reappearance of Lila, the fear of getting to know her better, the uncertainty of it all. I thought back to all the moments where I saw myself in her, felt a common bond between us, despite all the years lost. I yearned for that, one last time, but knew it likely wouldn’t come. She’d dropped me off that night and didn’t say a word when I left the car. The relationship we’d formed in a week was over, almost as quickly as it had begun, and it was my fault. I had no idea how I was going to live with that, but I’d have to find a way.             

             
“Do you regret it?” Adam asked, as if he could read my mind.

             
“No,” I replied almost immediately. Of course I didn’t regret it. I wouldn’t allow my child to live the same life I’d lived all those years, the confusion and pain that came along with not knowing both of your parents. I would never want her to blame me, or especially Adam, for giving her that life.

             
“Good,” he whispered, pulling me closer to him. “Good.”

             
But deep down, I was afraid maybe I might. The image of the toddler Harper was already fading from my mind, her white-blonde hair and sky blue eyes, her vibrant smile as she gazed lovingly from me to her grandmother. Three generations of one family, growing stronger together with each day that passed. That little girl was never going to exist now. Whoever Harper really turned out to be, would she be as happy as that little girl in my head?

             
I was afraid my mother was right, about Adam and I and the chances of our relationship not working out in the long run. I was afraid of marrying him, and equally afraid of not marrying him. I was afraid of what the future may hold, without anyone but Adam to protect me from it. I wanted to have confidence that I could protect myself, but I couldn’t. I didn’t even know where I was heading anymore.

             
Harper kicked hard, forcing me out of Adam’s arms. I laughed softly, an awkward sound, and he smiled a watery smile.

             
“I guess she isn’t much for family bonding time, huh?” He asked, placing a hand over my stomach, feeling her kicks.

             
“I guess not.”

             
“She’s happy about your decision, though. I can feel it.”

             
I nodded. “I know.”

             
“Never leave me, Lainey. Promise.”

             
“I promise.” I’d promised him that a long time ago, and I’ve stayed true to it since. Now I had more of a reason than ever before, because there was no turning back. There was no changing my decision.

             
Despite Adam’s conviction that Lila would be back, full of apologies and promises to keep in touch, I knew she wouldn’t. She was gone already, even if she was in the same town. I hadn’t chosen her, the same as she hadn’t chosen me, and there was simply no going back from that. Only forward, and separately.