The Contradiction of Solitude (32 page)

“I would never ask you to go, Matty. I would never expect that of you. Live your life. Enjoy your ignorance. I’ll try not to despise you for it.” My statement was honest. That’s all I could offer him.

After all the lies, all the illusions, it was the best thing I could do for anyone.

Truth bled.

Sticking to my skin.

“I don’t have the connection to him that you do. I was nothing. To him I didn’t exist.” Matt’s sad, sad voice rang in my ears.

“Hold your arms out, Lay. I’ll make you fly.”

I held my tight fist over my heart. Squeeze. Burn. Fall.

I didn’t argue with Matt. It was only fact.

“There’s contradiction in solitude, Matty,” I said, words lost in time.

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

Nothing.

My tears fell to the floor. Mixing with the blood only I could see.

“E
lian.”

I loved hearing her voice in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping. When my phone rang it wasn’t the pieces of a tortured history terrorizing me in the dark.

“Elian, I need you.”

She needed me.

I twisted. I turned myself inside out.

All because she
needed
me.

Months had turned into a lifetime.

I couldn’t remember a time before Layna Whitaker. I couldn’t imagine a moment after her.

There was only
her.

Only
this.

“I’m here. Always.”

The calls had stopped. I began dreaming of home.

But not of Diamond Creek.

Layna.

My home was with her.

Flashing images, no cohesion. All I can make sense of was the way I felt. Whispered tones. Hissed threats.

But she chased it all away.

She was here.

Home.

Content.

Unsettled.

Panicked.

Satisfied.

Even as I loved, I missed my nightly interruptions. My comforting call. The reminder that no matter how hard things were, I would never, ever be alone.

I went to sleep hearing Layna’s voice. But my hand…it reached for
other things
.

I noticed the blue car driving up and down the street. It would slow down just in front of the house and would then pick up speed and continue on.

I knew he was looking for her. She was the one he wanted.

“Go home, Elian,” Amelia called over her shoulder as I tried to follow her. She wasn’t laughing. She wasn’t smiling.

She just wanted to get away.

The star. Colors on skin. Hanging out the window.

He looked at me.

I looked at him.

Eyes meeting. And I froze.

Amelia got into his car and buckled her seat belt. She had already forgotten about me. I wasn’t important any longer.

He drove off with my sister.

In his blue car.

“Elian, I need to come over. Please let me see you.”

She needed me.

I needed her.

I told her to come. I was lost without her. She was all I could see anymore. Coal black eyes that held the secrets to my horrible, horrible past.

His
daughter.

I picked up my phone. No text messages. No missed calls. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel about that. She said she was always there.

Always.

She lied.

But Layna’s there. She held me when I couldn’t keep my head up. When I felt like I was drowning and the air didn’t come fast enough.

My devil.

My monster.

My Layna.

“Where are your pills, Elian?” she asked as I shuddered and sobbed.

I watched Amelia drive away. I saw the star on his arm. He took her. She was gone. My mother screamed and yelled at me. Asking where she went.

“Where is she, Elian?” My mother slapped my face and ripped my shirt. She was in a rage. Unseeing through her tears.

Amelia was gone.

My father refused to look at me.

Ever again.

I was a shadow in my own house.

And when they found her, I knew it was over.

My life was finished.

I didn’t matter anymore.

Because Amelia was gone.

Never coming back.

“What pills?” I asked. I didn’t know what she was talking about.

Pills?

The days were starting to blend together. I could hear
her
voice singing in my ear.

“
Ring around the rosy. Pocket full of posies. Ashes. Ashes. We all fall…”

“We all fall down,” I whispered. The room was dark. Layna never turned on the lights. I used to tease her that she was allergic to the sun.

I didn’t tease her now.

I understood how hard it was to face things when you could actually see them. It was easier when they were out of sight. When you could pretend they didn’t exist.

“Where are they, Elian?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Layna wasn’t making sense. She held my phone and I tried to grab it from her. What if the text came? I was waiting for it.

But it never came.

“You need to sleep, Elian. You’re not resting enough. You’re not making sense and I’m worried about you.”

Layna was worried about me.

I laughed. Loud. I could hear it out on the water.

Lies.

Laughter and lies.

My Layna, my dark, dark heart curled up beside me on my mattress. Her chin digging into my back. It hurt. I could feel her deep inside. I couldn’t get her out.

I tried to claw down and hold on. She wouldn’t let go. Why wouldn’t she let go?

“Shh. Elian, go to sleep.”

I closed my eyes and drifted off.

Because she told me to.

And I listened.

I woke up the next morning to silence. And light.

I sat up in bed; the blanket fell to my lap. I ran my hands over my face trying to remember last night.

Every morning was the same. Trying to recall the events from the night before. And I never could. They were slipping away. Between fingers. Before I could catch them.

What was happening to me?

“You’re awake.” Layna walked in and sat down on the edge of the mattress. She was lovely to look at. I think back to the first time that I saw her. All dark hair and coal black eyes. Reading her book and eating seasoned fries.

How could I have ever known that I would love my nightmare?

“I’m awake.” I looked around, not sure what I was looking for. If I was looking for anything.

“Are you going to work?” Layna asked. My head felt fuzzy and my mouth was dry. I took the cup of coffee Layna held out and drank a mouthful.

“Work?”

Layna widened her eyes. Fathomless holes revealing nothing.

Nothing.

“That place that pays you,” she clarified. Her brows knitting together.

Work.

When was the last time I had gone?

I had been wrapped up in a dead sister and a dead past. I had forgotten…

“You don’t have to go if you’re not up to it. You look like you could sleep some more,” she observed, watching me as I drank my coffee.

I couldn’t think much about going anywhere. I was trapped. Here in my house.

With her.

With
her.

“Why are you here?” I asked. I couldn’t remember when she had come. Was it last night?

Why couldn’t I remember last night?

What was wrong with me?

“
I called you. You said I could come over.” Layna frowned again. She was upset. Why was she upset?

With me?

“Did my phone ring last night? While you were here?” I asked. No texts. No missed calls.

Where had she gone?

Layna shook her head. “No.”

No.

I stood up and found a pair of jeans and a shirt from the pile on the floor.

“Where are you going?” Layna asked.

“To work,” I told her.

I had to get out of there.

Away from Layna and her coal black eyes that confused me. That consumed me.

I wanted to wrap my arms around her and fall. And fall.

And fall apart.

But I needed to go.

Because the call didn’t come last night. And that destroyed me.

“Why don’t you get a shower?” Layna suggested. I nodded. She was right. I smelled. When was the last time I had been clean?

Sixteen years ago.

“I can help you,” Layna offered. She took me to the bathroom and ran the water. She washed me like I was a child.

She cleaned my skin but not my mind. My memories were intact. There was no cleaning them.

I shivered under her touch. I wanted more. So much more.