The Contradiction of Solitude (35 page)

Scratching. Groaning. Achy, breathy silence. A low, rumbling voice I recognized. It was loved. By me.

Down the hallway. Light spilling out from underneath a closed door.

I heard her crying.

I felt excited. Strange. Anticipation sweet in my mouth.

Daddy had come to get me a star…

I pushed open the door, lungs tight, heart full.

My daddy promised…

“I have memories. Lots of them. And they’re all messed up, Elian. As I get older, they become more and more convoluted. It’s easy for you to hate him. But it’s not so easy for me,” I explained.

Elian ran his fingers through my hair and I shivered.

“My perfect, little Layna.” Fingers through hair. Kisses and hugs that he gave to no one else. No one. But me.

“It must have been hard to hear about who he really was. The things he did. I can’t imagine what that would feel like. To know that everything I had ever known was a lie.”

Straight to the gut. His words hurt. They hurt because they were true.

“He used to tell me stories…” I drifted off, not sure why I had mentioned it. That wasn’t something I had ever told anyone.

The stories were special. For me from my dad.

Even if they disguised a more horrific reality.

“Stories?” Elian prompted, and I wished I had never said anything. Why had I brought it up?

Because with Elian, it was harder to keep the secrets.

“He was everything a good dad should be. He loved me sweetly and simply. When I was with him, I orbited around him. When he was arrested and I learned who he really was, I crash landed. I exploded. I was finished.”

Elian ran his hand down my back methodically. Tenderly.

“What about your mom?” he asked and I laughed. A giggle really.

“My mom was an ostrich.”

“An ostrich?”

“Head in the sand,” I explained. His fingers continued rubbing. Continued in their attempts to soothe.

It wouldn’t work. I didn’t calm to touch or kisses.

It would require…
other things.

“My brother Matt and I had to deal with everything on our own. And we never saw our father again.”

“You have a brother,” Elian stated, surprised.

“Yes, I have a brother.”

“Where is he?”

I shrugged, wishing I could pull away from him but I didn’t. We were suddenly too close. Too intimate. I didn’t like these confidences.

“I don’t know.”

“Is he still…?” he trailed off.

“Alive? Yes. I just haven’t seen him in seven years. Not since my mother killed herself, and he was taken into state custody. We talk sometimes…”It was my turn to let my words linger and carry off into the silence.

“A father. A mother. A brother. You had a normal life didn’t you?”

I flinched at his use of the word “normal.”

Was it normal?

“Lay with me, little Layna. Let’s look at the stars…”

“Is anything normal? What does that even mean?” I asked defensively. My customary neutrality dissolving into distress.

Elian’s arms tightened around me. “I didn’t mean anything. I just meant that even with everything your father did, he gave you a childhood. A life. You were happy, right?”

Was I happy?

I nodded. Mute. Incapable of speech.

I didn’t want him to say anything else. I didn’t want his amateur analysis about my childhood. I didn’t want to explain all the ways that my father had, in fact, been wonderful.

So I crawled my way up his body until we were lying nose to nose. Dead Green eyes fixed on Coal, Black holes. I forgot agitation as I looked for the man I had met all those months ago. The man with the fake smile and dishonest life. He had fascinated me. Intrigued me. I hadn’t been able to stay away. I had been confident in my choice.

But
now
?

Where had his life gone? I was suddenly angry with myself. Enraged. I hadn’t seen the extent of his brokenness. I hadn’t anticipated how deep his trauma went.

I kissed his mouth. Hating him for being so weak. Adoring him for being exactly as he was. As I needed him to be.

In this room.

In Elian’s dry tears.

In my twisted desire.

His fingers were clutching and deprived. In another life I would have taken care of him. I would have held him and cooed meaningless words.

But in this one—the one we were given—I opened my legs and gave him nothing. I lay on my back and watched the sky. My arms held only air.

“All I have is you, Layna.” His raspy, troubled voice grasped and restrained. Trying to hold on to the woman he wanted me to be. The woman I would have died to give him.

“You’re all I have,” Elian whispered. Sweat drying. Blood thumping. His lips searching.

Finding.

But not taking.

Never conquering.

“I’m all you have,” I whispered back, thankful that he so easily forgot about the stories. About the demons that sat on my shoulders.

He let himself be led into fickle desire and untrustworthy love.

He was everything I had ever wanted.

The thought made me cold inside.

I
felt weighed down by the dark. The impending crash raced toward me and I could do nothing to stop it.

I was going to see my father.

After all these years I was allowing myself to see the one person I was terrified could devastate what was left of me.

But it was necessary. As all painful things truly are.

And I was dragging Elian behind me into the pits of my own personal hell.

Guilt.

I felt it sharply, between my ribs. I gasped. The pain intense.

“I want to spend the day with you,” I murmured against his closed eyelids. Naked and curled onto his side. Trying to shield himself from things he couldn’t see.

He drifted in and out of consciousness as though being awake were too much for him to handle.

Seeing him—depleted—left me feeling…
lonely
.

I had time for plans and futures later.

Today I could give him something better.

Something
good.

“Elian,” I called his name, lips pressed to skin.

He rolled onto his back and opened his eyes. Looking at the ceiling his face didn’t register anything I said.

“Elian,” I said again. Reaching for him. Grabbing on. Not letting go.

“I’m with you,” he finally said, and there was just a hint of a smile. A ghost I hadn’t seen in a while.

I took it as a positive sign and unwrapped myself from his blankets. I could pretend just as well as he ever could.

And today, I would pretend for him.

“Swim with me.”

I would beg. I would plead. I would drag him out to the quarry if I had to.

Just to give him this one day…

“It’s dangerous. People have died in there.” He was monotone. Unfeeling. But the smile was still there. Tickling his lips.

“Then stay close to me so I don’t drown,” I coaxed. I flirted. I gave him the smile that he always loved to see.

The tease he found irresistible.

I kissed his chest. I kissed his throbbing, throbbing neck. My tongue touching, just quite, each of his perfect, perfect scars.

“Okay,” he gasped as I pushed my body against his.

Inevitable.

Elian grabbed two towels and we walked, without any clothes on, out to the lonesome beach. The sky was clear. The sun was bright. The water was so, so still.

It was silent.

The solitude pressed in around us.

Peaceful.

Terrifying.

“I don’t know about this, Layna.” Elian seemed worried.

I kissed his frowning mouth and felt incredibly light. Relaxed. Floating high, I’d touch the clouds.

“I
know,”
I told him. “Come on.”

I held his hand as we walked to the edge of the water. My toes submerged first and it was cold. Freezing.

My heart rejoiced as my skin recoiled.

Too cold.

Just right.

“No way!” Elian yelled as the water ran over his feet. He hopped up and down and I laughed.

I laughed and laughed.

My empty, empty heart leapt.

Elian chuckled and the sounds we made twined together and carried away across the quarry.

“It’s not
that
cold,” I chided.

“Either you’re full of shit or you have no sense of temperature.” Elian slowly walked into the water, his hands holding mine tightly. Cutting off circulation. Refusing to ever let me go.

We waded in to our knees. My toes and feet had gone numb. Numb as the rest of me.

I could barely feel the silt beneath. A pebble dug into my heel. It hurt. But I didn’t care. I would give this to Elian. Just for today. For this moment.

Joy.

Elian tugged on my arm and I fell forward. The frigid water sucking the air out of my lungs.

“Layna, I’m sorry!” Elian snickered. Not meaning it. Only laughing and laughing.

I didn’t get up. I let my body acclimate to the temperature. My heartbeat slowed and my fingers pruned. Something brushed against my back but I didn’t startle.

“No, you’re not,” I smirked and ducked my head beneath the water. I kicked away from the shore and swam out. Into the deep, fathomless quarry.

“Layna! Don’t go out too far!” Elian yelled, but I didn’t listen. I swam away.

I didn’t listen. I was never one to heed the danger.

I swam and swam. I could hear Elian shouting but I didn’t hear him. I was too far away from the shore.

Cold, slithery things touched my feet. Slid past my legs. My entire body was numb and I couldn’t feel my legs and arms.

It was deep. Too deep. I couldn’t see anything beneath the surface. I felt sluggish. Heavy.

And then I started to sink.

Deep.