The Contradiction of Solitude (44 page)

Layna.

Amelia.

Going
home
.

“Where did she go?” I yelled, beating my fists against the dashboard. Muddled thoughts. Convoluted dreams. They were all mixing together. I couldn’t see the truth for the deceptions.

“I used to watch you in Denny’s with Tate. I’d sit in my booth every day and watch you talk. Watch you laugh. Watch you smile. And I knew it was all fake. It wasn’t you. I wanted to know why you lied.”

What was she talking about? I rubbed my temples. My head ached. Ached all over.

“I knew where to find you, Elian. Amelia was Daddy’s. But you—you were meant to be mine. I wanted you to belong just to me. So I found you. I found you, Elian. Right where you were supposed to be.”

I was crying. Tears thick and hot fell from dead, dead eyes.

Don’t waste your tears, Elian! I told you that!

“I’m not wasting them! I promise!” I argued.

“It’s okay, Elian,” Layna said, and I believed her. It
was
okay.

Even if
I
wasn’t.

“Was she in pain?” I asked.

“Yes.”

I shuddered.

“Was she scared?”

“Yes.”

“Were you scared?”

Silence.

Layna didn’t answer.

Talk to me, Elian!

“Not right now, Amelia.” But I made a promise to. Later.

“Are you talking to
her?”
Layna asked.

“Who?” I closed my eyes and wanted to sleep. To wish this all away.

“I want to set you free, Elian. Do you want that too?” Layna’s quiet, quiet voice tickled my ears. Wrapped itself around my chest. Squeezing.

“I just want to stop the noise. Take me home,” I sighed.

I was crashing to the ground at top speed. There was no safety net. The impact would kill me.

I was already dead.

There was no Elian Beyer.

Elian James had slipped away.

Who was I now?

Nobody.

Ring around the rosy…

“A pocket full of posies,” I sang.

“Ashes. Ashes. We all fall down,” Layna carried on. Taking the nursery rhyme. It wasn’t mine anymore.

Hers.

“I thought that when I left Pennsylvania I could leave it all there. Where it belonged. I became someone else. Why did you have to take him away?” I asked her. I wanted to know.

“You deserve more than a life full of untruths, Elian. And you know it.” Layna sounded angry.

“Tell Amelia that you’re with me now. Tell her to stay away,” she insisted.

Why would I tell Amelia anything?

Amelia was gone.

You let me leave, Elian. You let me go with him. You could have stopped me. You could have kept me safe.

The guilt was clawing at my gut. It hurt. I had thought I had dealt with it.

I had put it away in small, compartmentalized pieces never to be revisited.

But then
Layna…

“Shh, don’t say that!” I exclaimed.

“Don’t say what?” Layna asked.

I wasn’t talking.

Not to her.

“I was a child. How could I have stopped you if you wanted to leave?”

He killed me. He slit me open. He let me bleed. And she saw it all. You’re beautiful, beloved Layna. She watched me die!

“Stop it!” I shrieked, covering my ears.

“Elian! What is it?” I heard Layna’s voice as though from a distance. So far away. Not close enough.

“Layna!” Her name was a plea. A desperate, horrible plea.

“We’re almost home, Elian. Then I’ll take care of you. I’ll make it better. I promise. I’ll set you free.”

Home.

Almost there.

The dark, dark room. Layna standing in the center of it, looking around. I couldn’t go in. I knew without being told exactly what this place was.

“Amelia. She was there. My father, he killed her. In front of me.”

That was the moment when the last semblance of the man I had been crumbled into dust.

Because she had seen. She had seen it all.

Layna’s being in my life seemed like a cruel, cruel joke.

I loved her.

I hated her.

How could I ever look at her again and not see the memories in her coal, black eyes?

Layna was speaking. Unintelligible mumblings.

You were a little boy, Elian. I shouldn’t blame you. It’s not fair.

“No it’s not,” I agreed. Nodding my head. I looked out at the passing landscape. Blurs of color. Not seeing.

Layna was quiet. Driving. Driving
home.

He watched me in my front yard. I could see him parked across the street. I recognized the car. I had seen it a lot during the last few weeks.

Every day.

I saw Amelia talking to him. The way she smiled. I heard her laugh.

“What are you staring at, runt?” Amelia teased. Sounding firm.

“Who is that?” I asked, pointing at the car that still sat there. Unmoving. In front of our house.

Mom and Dad never saw it. They were never home. Just Amelia and me.

And her many, many secrets.

“He’s special,” she smiled. Waving. He waved back.

Then he drove away. Having gotten what he came for.

“Go to sleep, Elian. Then when you wake up we’ll be there.” Layna coaxed me to sleep. Into oblivion.

It’s what she did best.

Hours.

Days.

They all blended together.

And through it all I heard her.

Her dead, dead voice. Over and over again in my head.

Layna didn’t stay. She left me alone.

I cried when she left but she went anyway.

“I’ll be back soon.” Promises. Empty, forgotten promises.

She left me by the quarry. In the sun. But I couldn’t feel it on my skin. I was cold.

“Talk to me, Amelia! Please!”

I knew she’d come when I needed her. She’d been doing it for years.

Layna. Amelia. Layna.

Blending together.

Little, Elian. Tiny, little Elian. Always running. Never getting anywhere.

She mocked me. I could hear the teasing. But what she said was true.

I tried to run so far and so fast but I never escaped. The past kept finding me.

Amelia
kept finding me.

When would it be over?

I was so tired. Bone weary. Exhausted. I was sick of running. Layna said I should stop. That she could free me of it all. I wanted to let her. It would be so easy to give in.

And I wanted her. My Layna. But never really
mine
.

I missed her.

She had left me alone with the voice of my long dead sister. My only company.

She said she’d be back. But would she? Maybe she left for good.

I couldn’t bear the thought.

Layna was my breath.

She was my heartbeat.

She was never ending.

On and on.

Forever.

She had kissed me softly. Deeply. I had pushed my tongue into her mouth. Trying to take. Just this once. But she never let me. Only parts. What she thought I should have.

“I’ll be back,” she promised. Empty, forgotten promises.

“Amelia,” I whispered. The wind picked up her name and carried it away. To wherever she was.

Posttraumatic stress. That’s what I had been told.

Posttraumatic collapse was more like it.

I stumbled my way into the house. It was filthy.

Like Layna’s house.

I imagined Amelia as Layna described her. Terrified. Tied to a chair. Her blood everywhere. I tried to picture Layna as she had once been. A little girl, no more than eight, watching her father do the most despicable of things.

That changes a person. Completely.

It traumatizes them.

They are altered forever.

I wondered how Layna was before. Before her father destroyed her.

Did she ever have a chance?

I didn’t think so.

That made me love her so much more.

That made me fear her all over again.

Layna.

My Layna.

But not really
mine
.

All your fault…

It wasn’t Amelia’s voice that played on my guilt. It was my own. I had hated myself for years.

With Layna I had hoped to find peace with it all.

But with her I found
something else.

I found my way into the bathroom and ran the water in the sink. I splashed my face. The cold waking me up just enough to see the reflection of the man who stared back at me.

I didn’t know him at all.

The person with the sallow skin and dark circles beneath his eyes. Lids puffy and red. Green irises dull and lifeless.

Who was this person with the burden of a haunted spirit?

Who was this person so ready to curl into a ball and let the ghosts have him?

I touched my neck. Running fingers over the scars. So many scars.

Talk to me, Elian! I told you I’d always be here!

When had the calls started?

Had they ever really stopped?

I had been healthy. I had been sane. For years I had been
functioning.

What happened to me?

To Elian Beyer?

No more friends. No more job. No more music or guitars. I had nothing. I once had everything.

So, so empty.

Then and now.

Before it was because I had no heart.

Now it was because I had no soul.

This is what losing your mind felt like.

My phone started ringing. I picked it up and looked at the screen. Was the name I saw really there?

It couldn’t be.

Murdered sisters couldn’t use the phone where they were.

What was wrong with me?

I knew.

Layna knew.

I was gone.

I threw the phone hard. With all my might. It smashed against the wall. And it felt good.

For a second.

But then the ringing started again.

It went on and on and on. It wouldn’t stop.

Just talk to me, Elian. Please!

I opened my medicine cabinet and rooted around for the brown plastic bottle. The one Layna had put back. Empty.

I dropped to my knees and searched the bathroom floor. My search was in vain. I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

Several white pills. Somewhere. But I had dumped out the contents of that necessary bottle.

The ringing continued. Loud. In my ears.

Amelia’s voice screamed even louder.

Talk to me!

Layna! Where were you?

Come back.

I fell onto my side and closed my eyes.

Sleep found me.

At my lowest I was finally able to rest.