The Contradiction of Solitude (45 page)

I woke up the next morning feeling…different.

Foggy. Too hot. Clammy skin and dry lips.

I slowly sat up from my spot on the bathroom floor. My body ached.

My first thought was Layna.

Where was she?

Would she be coming back?

My second thought was
Amelia.

But she was quiet. I couldn’t hear her. I was both relieved and desolate.

My head was fuzzy. My breathing was labored. Painful. Survival was becoming difficult.

I should call Layna. I wanted her. I needed to see her.

We had so much to talk about.

But maybe it was good that we give it time.

To leave the words where they lay. In the dust and the grime. On the floor of that dilapidated old house where Layna lost her childhood. Her innocence.

Layna.

We can be broken together.

Maybe together, our pieces would make us whole.

I looked for my phone and then remembered that I had thrown it against the wall last night.

My jaw was stiff as though I had been grinding my teeth all night. I thought about going to find Layna. To drive to her apartment.

I couldn’t. I realized my car wasn’t even outside.

I vaguely remembered Layna bringing me back. In her car. After leaving mine at her apartment. But things from last night were so blurry. So hard to see.

It was best to wait anyway.

For her to come to me.

If
she came to me.

What would I do if she didn’t?

I ran my fingers through my hair and looked round my dismal house. Dirty. Untidy. I hadn’t touched a thing inside in weeks. I had slept. I had eaten. I had wandered through the rooms unseeing.

I had been spending a lot of time in the company of phantoms.

And Layna.

I made myself a sandwich. It had been days since I had last eaten.

When I was finished I went out to the quarry and sat on the beach. I stared out at the murky, still water.

And I waited.

For Layna.

For Amelia.

I waited.

On pins and needs, I stayed.

Hoping she would find me.

Terrified
she
would find me.

“A
re you going to leave me here?” Elian asked.

I had driven back to my apartment once we were back in Brecken Forest and had taken Elian home in my car.

I pulled up in front of his house—out in the middle of nowhere—and watched him get out. He was unsteady on his feet. I should have helped him inside.

But I wanted to get out of there.

I needed some distance.

From Elian.

From everything.

“Will you come back?” he asked and I wasn’t sure whether he spoke to me or his dead sister. The sister I had seen my father kill. The sister who called him every single night on his silent phone.

Would I come back?

Of course I’d come back.

But I had things to do first.

Important things.

“I’ll see you soon,” I said. Then I watched him wander towards his house and through the door. Closing himself inside.

It was time to pack.

The leaving was about to begin.

I had done this many times before. It was nothing new to fill the boxes. To tape them shut. To load them in my car and drive away. To a new place. A new life.

A new purpose.

However, things had changed.

Elian.

He was the point of all of it.

When I had searched for him, I had a plan. A very clear one.

Ingratiate myself into his world.

Get to know him.

Let him know me.

The parts that he wanted to see.

And then he would love me.

They always did.

There had been others before. There would be others after. None of them had mattered.

Elian was
different.

It was because of her.

Amelia.

“Help me!” she screamed. Her green, green eyes pleaded with me. Amelia. Poor, poor Amelia.

She was mine.

Daddy had gotten her just for me.

Something had happened on the way to the end. Something that in all my planning, I hadn’t anticipated.

Love.

Or what I assumed was the elusive, indefinable feeling.

I had nothing really to compare it to.

Nothing healthy anyway.

I fell for the liar with the dancing green eyes. He had filled a corner of my lonely heart.

For a while.

But then he changed. He started to unravel. The game had altered and became something else.

I found him at his weakest. But he wanted to be strong. For me he would be everything.

Anything.

But he could only fail.

Because in the end, our hearts would never be enough.

I let myself into my apartment. My home for another few hours. I was happy to leave.

I dropped my purse on the counter in the kitchen and got myself a drink of water. I thought about Elian. What he was doing.

What would I find when I went back?

Would he be ready?

Was I?

I felt a familiar sort of longing in my gut and the buzzing in my ears.

Buzz…

“Layna, dear, are you in here?”

Mrs. Statham had bad timing.

“In here, Mrs. Statham,” I called out. No way to avoid it. She had to be dealt with. She wasn’t a bad sort. She just wasn’t someone who had any lasting impression.

She would be forgotten. Just like all the others that had come and gone. Secondary. Intermittent. Temporary.

“I brought you some more cookies.” The old lady stopped and looked at the boxes on the coffee table. She frowned. “Are you moving?”

I tried not to snap at her. I had to maintain the façade to the very end.

“Yes, Mrs. Statham. I’ve decided to move home.” Almost the truth. Just barely.

Mrs. Statham looked upset. She liked me. She had come to regard me with a lingering affection. I almost felt sorry for her.

Almost.

“Where’s home?” she asked. Another dig for information. She was always, always digging. I was glad to be free of her constant prying.

“Away from here,” I said with a smile as I took the cookies from her hand. I lifted one off the plate and put it in my mouth. It was vile. The most disgusting thing I had ever tasted. I swallowed it, suppressing a gag.

“I hate this. You’re the best neighbor I’ve had in years. None of that obnoxious rock music at all hours of the night. No strange visitors. You keep to yourself but you’re nice. A nice, sweet girl. It’s a shame. I had hoped you were putting down roots here.”

If anything, I had played my part well. I could take satisfaction in that.

“No. It’s time for me to move on, Mrs. Statham. This was always just a stop along the way. Nothing more.”

Nothing more.

Another chapter in the story.

The most important story of all.

“When are you leaving?” she asked. The old woman looked so forlorn. So unhappy.

“Immediately. As soon as I can finish packing,” I told her honestly. I ate the rest of the cookie. Hating every bite.

“Well, bring that plate back up before you go so I can say goodbye.” She sniffled. Her rheumy eyes wet with tears.

And then she hugged me. Tight.

“I’m gonna miss you, Layna. Take care of yourself,” she said thickly. I nodded.

I’d always take care of myself.

Mrs. Statham left, and I threw the cookies away. Along with the plate.

I made sure to put the guitar case by the door. I had no use for it anymore. It was time to return it to where it belonged.

I was a little sad to say goodbye to the inanimate object.

But it was never mine to keep.

I went into the living room and picked up the last of the pictures. The one Elian had never noticed. The one that sat behind all the rest. Out of sight.

But my eyes could always see.

Pretty, pretty girl with dark hair and lovely green eyes.

My family.

Amelia.

I kept them all with me.

Some may call it morbid that I surrounded myself with my father’s specters. And maybe they’d be right.

I loved them.

I hated them.

But in many ways they were all I had.

They were the memories. The recollections. They were whatever I needed them to be.

I wrapped Amelia up in paper so, so gently and put her in the box with all the others. Right on top.

The most important one of all.

I found my notebook underneath my purse and opened it to a clean, blank page.

No stories. I had all the time in the world for those.

These words were different.

These words were just for me.

Still, cool waters

So easy to drown

Your hand reaches out

But doesn’t quite catch

What it hopes to save.

Coaxed by promises

Soothed by smiles

When will you learn

To look before you leap?

Too late

All gone

I was never here.

My hand hovered over the page. Not quite sure if I was really finished.

Was I?

I closed the notebook. Slammed it shut. And then I shoved it in the box. My hands shaking as I taped it closed.

My phone rang and I answered it.

“Matt,” I greeted.

He didn’t say anything.

He was angry with me. I could tell.