The Contradiction of Solitude (46 page)

“I know you’re upset. But understand. I had no choice,” I tried to explain. Out of everyone on this earth, his opinion mattered.

My little, little brother.

I was crying in my room. Daddy had been gone for a year. Things were awful. People were so mean.

Matty got it the worst.

He at least tried to fit in. To be normal. They were more cruel because of it.

But today I cried because I had seen his face in the newspaper. He was going on trial. And seeing the word
killer
hit me hard.

The Nautical Killer.

My daddy.

“Why are you crying, Lay?” Matt’s small voice snapped me out of my despair.

I wiped my face with the back of my hand and glared at him. He was so annoying. He just never knew when to leave me alone.

“None of your business, booger. Where’s Mom?”

Matty shrugged, his face falling. “She’s sleeping again.”

I softened slightly. Mom slept all the time. Because it was easy to deceive yourself in dreams.

“Come here,” I said, calling him into my room. I never let him come in. He knew better. And he seemed hesitant now. Unsure.

“Come on. Stop being stupid.” I rolled my eyes and patted the bed beside me. Matty jumped up and got comfortable.

He looked at the newspaper in my lap. Daddy’s face large in black and white.

“I hate him,” Matty said and I couldn’t argue. I hated him sometimes too.

“But you love him still, right?” I asked. Hoping I wasn’t alone in these conflicting, confusing feelings for the man I called father.

Matty was quiet for a long time. He looked like me. Like Daddy. We took none of our features from our mother. I was glad.

“He doesn’t love me, Lay,” Matty said and I was startled. He was only nine years old but sometimes he saw more than most adults.

“Yes he does—” I began to argue.

“No. He doesn’t.” He sounded so, so sad. And maybe a little relieved.

We both looked at the picture of the stranger. I knew him better than anyone did.

“But I love him. I wish I didn’t.” Matty sounded morose and I knew that in him I had someone who understood. That we lived a life no one else could understand.

I hugged him. For the first time in years I felt..…connection. Something better…something pure. Something I never felt with Daddy.

Daddy.

I tried to hate him with all of me.

Only to fail. Each and every time.

I held onto my baby brother and for the first time felt something like real love. Not the angry, dark thing I felt for my daddy.

It wasn’t much.

Just an infinitesimal part of my heart. But it was there all the same.

“You went. After everything he had done, after everything he put us through. The girls. Those poor girls. Have you forgotten about them?” Matt asked in agonized whispers.

I could never, ever forget.

Memories were like that.

Stars for always.

“I needed to see his face—”

“Did you get your closure? Are you able to move on? To put it behind you? Can we go forward from this and have a normal brother/sister relationship? Can I call you to talk about something that isn’t
him?”

It was my turn to be silent. Because we both knew that would never be the case. Not with us.

“What about your man? Elian, right?”

“That’s his name,” I confirmed.

“Where does he fit into all this?”

Where does Elian fit into my plans? Where does he fit into my life?

For Elian and me, there was only one way for it to go.

To end…

“I know you, Lay, there’s something behind this quiet. It scares me,” Matt said quietly. Straight to my mind.

Straight to my heart.

“Don’t be scared,” I whispered back.

More silence.

More solitude.

It went on. And on. And on.

“I can’t be this person for you anymore, Layna,” Matt said suddenly.

“What are you talking about?” I hissed. Frustrated. Mad. Why did he have to be like this? Expecting so much when I could offer so little.

“I’m not your moral compass. And I’m sure as hell not Jiminy Fucking Cricket. I won’t tell you what’s wrong and what’s right. Because you never listen to me anyway. How many times have we come to this point, and I’ve begged you to walk away? To stop this insanity before it begins? I’m tired of riding this train with you. It hits a brick wall. Every. Single. Time.”

“Matt. Wait a minute. That’s not fair. You and me—”

“Are nothing. We’re nothing Layna. At one time you were my sister. I was your brother. But that was years ago. You can hardly call the relationship we have now
normal.
I stopped being your sibling the day I was taken away. You stopped being mine when you wouldn’t look for me.”

So much hurt.

So much pain.

I could taste it in the air. In my toes. In my fingers.

Everywhere.

“Wait—” I reached out through the void. Trying to stop him.

It was too late.

We were at a point of no return.

“I’m not going to call you anymore, Lay. And please, don’t call me. I’m trying to move on, and it’s obvious you aren’t. I was wrong when I told you were nothing like
him.”

Pain. So much pain.

“You’re exactly like him. Good ol’ Dad did a bang up job of ruining both of us. But you must be his crowning achievement.”

I balled up the feelings that Matt’s words unleashed and I shoved them away. I stomped on them.

Ashes under my shoes.

“That’s fine, Matty. You do what you have to do,” I told him. Meaning it.

I had already disengaged. Let go.

Of this one last shred of my slipping humanity.

It was just as well.

Given what was left to do.

Leaving.

“Goodbye, Layna.” Matt hesitated, and I knew he was struggling with this final act of separation. Because this one was absolute.

So I did it for him. I forgot about the shred of love I felt for the little boy. I forgot about how much I had depended on him over the years to keep me grounded.

“Goodbye, Matt.”

I hung up.

I felt a pang as I removed the battery from the phone and smashed the screen. Both went into the trash.

I saw the worn copy of Swann’s Way on the coffee table. I hadn’t picked it up in months.

I hadn’t needed to.

But I needed to now.

I opened it up to the front page and my father’s cryptic message. Though I thought I understood it better now.

There’s Contradiction in Solitude.

I lifted the lid of the box I usually kept beneath my bed and pulled out the last letter my father had sent me. They were all unopened. Intentional.

But now…

Maybe…

My heart shuddered closed and my soul withered up and died.

Now…

Dear Layna,

This day comes and goes and I spend it wondering what you are doing. How you are. What you look like.

I think about the little girl I left behind and I know, deep down that you have become someone amazing.

Someone I can be proud of.

All I ever wanted for you was to embrace who you are. To never be ashamed of the way you feel or how you think.

People spend too much time worrying about the thoughts of others. Selfishness is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves. I tried to tell you this so many times and I hope you heard me and what I was trying to say.

I kept many, many secrets. I know you saw them all. Even as a child. I could never hide anything from your black eyes.

Many think I’m horrible. They call me a monster. A devil.

But to you, I will always and forever be a father.

I hope, more than anything, that you’re smarter than I was. That you think with your head and not your traitorous, disingenuous heart. That you listen to your gut when it tries to tell you what to do. Because, lovely, darling Lay, it will never be wrong.

I want you to learn when to chase and when to let go. When to fly and when to squeeze so tight that escape is impossible.

Keep your life as you intend it. Don’t crowd it with people who will never love the real person inside. The person that only I have ever seen.

Don’t be fooled by those who only wish to distract you. The ones who try to change you. Who expect things you can never give them.

And write your stories. Never stop. They are beautiful.

Just like you.

Always, always find the stars.

Love you,

Daddy

I
was here once again. At this place. Where we left off. Unfinished. Unresolved.

There was no going back.

I had let go of responsibility.

I was free.

To be without the things that made you human.

To be something else entirely.

“You have to learn to let go. Not of the things that tear you down. But the things that keep you together. That is what you should fear, Lay. The sanity. It’s where we lose everything.”