The Contradiction of Solitude (37 page)

I
packed my bag and put in the trunk of the car. Layna followed me out of the house and put her suitcase beside mine. A small overnight case containing her green notebook was thrown on the backseat.

We didn’t take much. Just enough for a few days. Why did I get the feeling I was grossly unprepared for the trip that lay ahead of us?

“Are you ready?” she asked after settling into the passenger seat.

Shouldn’t I be asking her that question?

Was I ready?

Would I ever be ready for something like this?

I slept little last night.

And the night before.

I tossed and turned, the sheets soaked with sweat.

And Layna—blissfully undisturbed Layna—slumbered peacefully beside me. I would watch her while she breathed deeply, eyes closed. Wondering what made her smile like that in her sleep.

When I watched her I felt the closest to content I had ever been. But it never lasted long.

Because every time I closed
my
eyes, I would remember. Who she was. Who I was. Who we were together.

Two wasted people with nothing. No one.

Because of
him.
Cain Langley.

She no longer shared his name, but Layna shared something else. Something darker. Something so much worse.

But there were other things that I saw in the quietest moments of the night. While she slept and I could watch her without reservation.

Watched her while she dreamed of things she’d never tell.

She was beautiful. She was complicated. She was always a mystery.

I hoped one day she would finally be
mine.

I loved her. Beyond reason. Beyond sanity.

Into madness.

I was wary about this trip. Layna’s unwavering determination to see this through bothered me. Since deciding she was going to finally see her father, her mind wasn’t with me. It was out
there.
In a place I couldn’t follow.

In a place I never wanted to go.

Her love for the man she called
Daddy
terrified me.

“Do you have everything?” I asked her as we got into my car. She nodded, tucking long dark hair behind her ears. I watched her, but carefully. I felt ashamed to do so when she was awake.

“I’m scared, Elian,” she said softly, staring out the window as I drove down the gravel driveway. Away from my home. Away from my life.

I glanced at her in surprise. She had seemed so intent. So focused. I hadn’t counted on fear being among the things she felt.

I was pleased with her vulnerability. I was thrilled with her open transparency. For just a moment.

Just one moment…

“I’m scared too,” I admitted. Because I was. I was scared that by leaving Brecken Forest I was turning my back on everything I had created. For good. Forever. That there would be no coming back from this.

I didn’t know what lay ahead. Only what lay behind. And I desperately wanted to go
back.
To where it was safe.

To where I could pretend I was a man without a past. A man with an easy smile and a quick laugh.

A man people loved and wanted to know even if I never, ever loved in return.

But that man was dead. Buried beside Amelia in the ground.

I had lost him the day Layna entered my life.

And there were times I resented her for it. That I despised how easily she murdered the person I had become.

But then I’d touch her and I’d
forget…

We didn’t say anything else. There was no need.

I drove away.

Far.

Far.

Away.

My mom was watching the television. She didn’t know I stood just inside the doorway watching too.

She sobbed and sobbed. I felt sick.

Amelia was dead.

That man had taken her. He had killed her.

She was coming home.

Not to live.

But to be buried.

My parents blamed me. They thought I could have stopped her. That I should have said something sooner about the man I had seen driving by our house.

This was my fault.

My fault.

“Crime scene photos have been released. These images will be graphic in nature.”

My sister’s body. Lying in a field. Her hands missing. Her dead, sightless eyes staring at the sky.

At the stars.

“Amelia!” I couldn’t help but scream.

My mother quickly turned off the television. “Go away, Elian. Just go away,” she said tiredly. She didn’t want to look at me.

Dad never talked to me either.

I had disappeared.

Elian James didn’t exist anymore. He had died the day Amelia went away.

I wished I could change and become someone else. Someone who didn’t have a murdered sister and a heart full of guilt.

Someone different…

“We should find some place to stay for the night. So we can get some sleep before going tomorrow,” I suggested. I felt as though I were talking through a tunnel. Echoing on all sides.

It was hard to stay
here,
to stay
connected
, when I realized I was only miles away from the person who had savaged my entire life.

The man who had lied and betrayed the woman I loved.

I hated.

I
hated.

But I loved too.

I looked at Layna and tried not to see the monster in her veins. I tried not to kiss her thinking about the blood on her hands through no fault of her own.

Most of the time I succeeded. But it was hard to love Layna and not feel like I was loving
him.

“There should be a Best Western nearby. Let’s stop there. I need…” Her voice floated off into nothingness.

I felt her thoughts. I heard her words.

Even though I was surrounded by silence.

We drove through the small, Virginian town without really looking at it. I didn’t register houses or shops. My head, my mind, were somewhere else.

I felt as though the past few months were steadily building. Building. Building.

Towards something big.

I was petrified.

Of the explosion.

Of the aftermath.

What would I be left with?

Would I be left with anything?

My eyes went back to the woman at my side. Compelled. Bound. Unavoidable. My fingers ached. They
ached.
To touch her. To feel her. When my hands were empty I felt lost. Incomplete.

I couldn’t explain why without her I was so bereft. Even when she was less than a foot away…I
craved.

It was wrong.

It was unhealthy.

It was as essential as my beating, beating heart.

Thump. Thump.

Thud.

Yet her father…

My brain started to shut down at the thought of him.

The coal black eyes.

The star on the arm that hung out the window.

My sister running away. Running to
him.

I was a mess of contradictions. I wanted Layna.

I loathed Layna.

I loved Layna.

I’d die.

I’d die for her.

Because of her.

Without her.

I.

Was.

Lost.

I pulled into the parking lot of the Best Western. We rented a room. I didn’t see anything. My eyes focused only on…

Layna.

“I think I want to get a shower.” She sounded so tired. Her body slumped. Touch her.

Feel her.

Please…

But I didn’t. I kept my distance. Now that we were here. To see her father.

To see the devil.

“Okay,” I replied. I heard the water turn on. The light was gone. The sun had set and the dark had settled in. Like a familiar stranger. Comfortable. Edgy.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. My heart leapt.

It had been so long since I had heard from her. Since I had gotten her call. I still waited for the texts every single night.

I tried not to scream when they didn’t come.

I pulled my phone out and grinned like a fool.

It was her.

Love, pure and genuine, all consuming. Lightness and immensity. In the center of my chest.

I didn’t answer.

Not since that one time.

I couldn’t stand the sound of her voice.

After so long.

It rang. And it rang. It stopped. Then it rang. And it rang. And it rang.

Then it stopped.

Finally my screen lit up with a text.

Never waste your tears, Elian. Keep them for when it counts.

I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat. Too tight. Couldn’t breathe.

The relief was overwhelming. The despair was debilitating.

“Did you get a text?” Layna asked, startling me. I hadn’t heard her come out of the bathroom.

I didn’t look at her. She’d distract me. I stared down at the message on my phone, not wanting to sever the connection. For just a few more minutes.

“Who is it?” she asked. Her soft voice too loud.

Never waste your tears, Elian. Keep them for when it counts.

I wouldn’t. I made
her
a silent promise.

I shoved the phone back in my pocket and finally looked at Layna. My heart still in my hands. Ready to throw it at her.

“How was the shower?” I asked. Avoiding. Evading.

Layna stared at me a while longer. Seeing too much. Not enough. She was perfect. So perfect.

“I feel better. Maybe you should get one. It might clear the cobwebs,” she suggested.

I laughed. Weak. Ineffectual.

“Are you saying I have cobwebs that need to be cleared?” I teased. So fake. So, so fake.

“Don’t we all?” Layna asked, opening her suitcase to pull out some clothes. I watched her as she dropped the towel and dressed.

My eyes traveled the length of her. Always hungry. Always desperate.

It was exhausting.

The way I loved her.

“It’s a clear night,” I observed, turning my face away. Feeling hot. Bothered. Wanting to be inside her. All. The. Time.

Layna didn’t say anything. I could see her in the reflection of the sliding doors. Distant. But there.

My phone vibrated in my pocket again. I was surprised by her tenacity. She never called after sending the text.

Why was she calling?

Did she know?

Where I was?

When Layna was finally dressed she came to stand beside me. Her hand on my back. Over my star.