The Convenience of Lies (3 page)

“God I hate her sometimes! Why does Kira have to jump to conclusions so much?!?” I vent this out loud. At this point, I don't care if the boys hear me. I can't believe this is how things are going to be between us right before Kira leaves for her trip; I don't want to spend the whole time she is gone wondering if she is mad at me or not. Also, I can't believe she would tell me to kill myself; that's just not what best friends do to each other. “She just told me to kill myself!”

Ramon gives me this look that says, “That really sucks.” Ramon isn't extremely verbal; he makes his opinions known through his facial expressions. I'm relieved that Ramon isn't mad at me anymore. But I'm still seething over Kira; I know our conversation is not over, so I call her again.

“Kira, I did call you. Twice!

“How am I supposed to believe you, Mackenzie, when I didn't get any messages from you?” Exasperated, I tell her, “I didn't leave any messages. I just don't like to leave messages.”

“Why wouldn't you leave a message?!” Kira demands.

“You need to listen to me. I
wanted
you here today…”

Kira interrupts me, “Mackenzie, you know what? Brent Andrews told me that he likes you, so good luck.” She hangs up on me again. I feel like I've been stung, and I need to release my anger again, so I throw my cell phone across Ramon's lawn. Just because I told Kira that I thought Brent Andrews is hot, she thinks that I have some huge crush on him, but I don't. I don't even know him, and I like Ramon. But then, appearances are extremely important to Kira, which means that if I say that somebody is “hot,” in Kira's language that means I think he is my soul mate.

Finally I get attention when Brent Andrews says, “Wow, Mackenzie, you don't want to break your cell.”

“Don't worry. I always do that when I'm not getting any reception. It's strong… see?” I say as I give Brent Andrews my phone. After he comes to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with it, he hands it back to me, shaking his head.

Tyler gives me some of his poker chips so that I can play some more again. I think he just wants me to stop raging about Kira. But, we are all talking about Kira anyway, so it doesn't really work.

“Dimitri told me that Kira is bipolar.” Brent Andrews comments, like he is hoping someone will verify this. Dimitri is Kira's brother.

“Yeah, she can have bipolar tendencies,” Ramon agrees.

Brent Andrews asks the group, “But is Kira cool to hang around?”

Ramon's replies, “Yeah usually Kira is cool. Sometimes she just gets really mad.”

“She fucking told me to go kill myself, and I'm supposed to be her best friend!” I spit out.

“She's weird. I hate Kira! She's so negative!” Brent Andrews says. He seems obsessed with saying that Kira is negative, and I'm starting to think he's being a bit repetitive.

“Can you believe I went out with her?” Ramon asks, or more like tells Brent Andrews. Brent Andrews just shakes his head, and everybody stops talking about Kira. But I stop talking mostly because I feel like the floor has fallen out from underneath me. I thought Ramon still liked Kira, even though they broke up like three or four months ago and only went out for two weeks. But I guess not. And then I start to realize what this information means. If Ramon isn't still infatuated with Kira, then he may have a crush on someone else. Perhaps that person is me? Even as this thought is forming, and even though Kira and I are fighting, I still can't believe that Ramon just dissed her. He has no right to say something like that to a large group of people.

Due to my poor gambling skills, I have now lost all of the chips Tyler gave me. “Will you give me more chips?” I ask him.

“No.”

“But I would really like to keep playing with you guys,” I plead.

“No! You've already lost all of your money, AND lost all of the money I gave you, to me.” Tyler points dramatically at himself. “So no, I'm not going to give you more chips.” I hadn't thought of it that way, so I realize this is a futile effort, and resign myself to just watching the game. It looks like gambling just isn't my forte.

Eventually Scott, the guy who owes Brent Andrews money, comes over. Scott is an Asian guy who I think is really cool. I met him through Ramon during school. He is the only one out of Ramon's friends who has talked to me regularly, both at school and also on AOL Instant Messenger. Scott has his chin pierced with a silver ball, wears baggy pants, and has a small, cute, oval birth mark on his right cheek. He gives off energy of being confident and in control. I dig him. Of course nobody, not even Kira, knows I think Scott is hot because he has a girlfriend. I've seen how sweet Scott is to his girlfriend, and so I actually fully support their relationship. There's no jealousy here.

Scott adds to the pot, and starts gambling too. But, it's not long till Scott loses all of his money, half of which he had been planning to pay Brent Andrews back with. So, he leaves pretty quickly, and so does Brent Andrews.

Ramon and Tyler are now the only ones gambling over the pot, $130. I'm wishing that I could be getting that much money, but it's interesting to watch the two of them. Ramon is dealing, and I can't help but notice the shine in his eyes. I can tell that he is excited, and I can feel the pressure. He's handing out the cards gingerly, hitting them on the table. The way the light is shining on his face and on his arms highlights all of his best features. His arms are glowing, showing his toned muscles, including the tone in his forearms. His lips, eyes, hair, and cheeks are all outlined with light, showing his beautiful lines. I can feel myself desiring him. All I want to do is caress his face and sink into his arms. I look away. I have to tell myself that he doesn't like me more than a friend. I need to stop thinking about him like that. I need to get over him.

On one hand Ramon bets out $50, which is all he has, and he has a sucky hand. He says that he figures he should take chances. Well, that proves to be dumb when he loses all that money to Tyler. I'm slightly disappointed that Tyler wins. Of course I was silently routing for Ramon the whole time; I don't really know Tyler.

Tyler gleefully collects the $130. His eyes are bright with eagerness and greed. I watch as he disjointedly shoves all of the cash into his bulging wallet with his fat fingers. He seems to be trying to make quite a show of rubbing in the fact that he won. My stomach churns at the thought that he has my $5. But, what can I do? After Tyler has been thoroughly annoying, he leaves.

Now it's Ramon and me hanging out by ourselves again. I figure it's about time for me to go home, seeing as it's 1:30 am, and the state of California doesn't allow provisional licensed drivers to drive after midnight. But, I still want to settle my dispute with Kira before she leaves for Russia. Of course it's too late for me to call her house line again. So, I'm thinking about what I can do, and I decide to write a letter and leave it under her doormat.

“Ramon, I want to write a note to Kira, do you have paper and something that I could write with?” I honestly don't know if he has these things because he's not exactly the most diligent student. But Ramon surprisingly does, and he retrieves them from his house.

As he hands the note to me, Ramon comments, “You're always the one apologizing to Kira. It makes you look easy.” I figure he doesn't understand that sometimes a friendship is more important than an ego, and so I begin to write my note to Kira. It ends up being about a page long. I tell her about how much I am going to miss her, and that I would have preferred to have had her with us the whole night because I would rather hang out with her than a bunch of stupid boys.

I feel as if my emotions are riding a roller coaster as I write this. My tears build up and land in big blotches on the paper, smearing the words. Sometimes I have to stop and let out a sob before I start writing again. I sense that this letter is extremely important for resurrecting our friendship.

As I finish off with signing the letter, I know it's time for me to leave. The thought of being alone makes me feel crushed. I can't bear it. I still want to hang out with Ramon; I want him to keep me company. So I ask him, “Hey can I stay here for a while?”

He replies, “You can, but we got to stay in the garage because I don't want to wake up my parents.”

“Oh, ok. Well, your garage is nice and everything, but it's kind of cold in here.” Lame excuse on a hot night, I know, but I'm getting sick of hanging out in his garage.

There is a slight pause, and Ramon says, “We could go to your house.” I remember that my mom went out for the night to her boyfriend's house, so I can basically do whatever I want for the whole evening. This sounds like an excellent solution to the problem, and I can feel myself brighten at the thought that he's willing to come over to my place. It's the best news all night.

“Sure. But first I've got to stop at Kira's house to drop this off.” I hold up my letter, and Ramon nods.

We climb in my car, and before I know it, I have dropped off the note, and we have reached my place.

I don't really know why, but as soon as we get to my house, we head back to my room. There is the kitchen, the living room, and everything, but we head to my room. He sits on my bed, and I sit at my desk. I also close the door. I'm just treating him like I do all my friends. I want to chat with him in private.

We make conversation for a while, and then I remember something Kira, Ramon, and I used to do, which was give each other massages. I always found these trio-massages exciting. They gave me the opportunity to have a guy touch me, a guy who I have a crush on none-the-less. The only difference between our past massages and now is that Kira isn't here. Also, I feel free to do things I normally wouldn't do when Kira is in California because I know she won't find out about it. So, I ask Ramon to give me a massage.

“Okay, but give me one first.”

“Ten minutes, and then we'll switch.” I say.

“Okay.”

So, he lies on his stomach, I sit on the bed, take a look at the clock, and start rubbing his back. All of a sudden we don't say all that much. Even though we are so close, it's like there is a void between us. The energy of the room has become awkward. I'm not sure what to make of it. But, when the time is up, I tap him and say, “That's ten minutes.”

“Already?!?” he remarks.

“Look at the clock.” He does so, and realizes that I'm not gypping him. He takes his sweet time about sitting up and giving me a place to lie down on the bed.

Then he says, “How long? Ten minutes?”

I laugh to myself because I think it's kind of obvious. “Well I massaged you for ten minutes, so yeah.”

“Okay.” He starts rubbing my back, and I relax into it. But the whole time I'm thinking that I wish he liked me. I wish that it meant something to him. I wonder if he really wanted me to give him his massage, or if he just didn't know how to say 'no' to me. I tell myself to just not think about it, and enjoy all that I can get. After all, besides kissing a guy, this is the farthest I have ever gone with one.

I also can't believe when my massage is done because the time flew by. But, I move to the side, and he lies down next to me in my bed. We lie there, and even though I have a twin size bed, we manage to not touch each other at all. Something I also try to not notice, because I wish he is holding me. Eventually we fall asleep. Or rather, he falls asleep. I am such a light sleeper that I just doze; I have trouble falling asleep for any small reason at all.

I don't know how much time passes, but the sky is lightening up as he leaves. I wish that he could stay all night, but I know that won't happen. I don't think it'll ever happen because he doesn't like me. I've liked him for three months, and he still doesn't like me. So, I know that I'll never get what I want from him. Or at least this is what I am telling myself.

Deep inside, I can't help but think that he
does
like me because he
did
give me a massage and sleep in my bed. I'm thinking that he must like me to be able to do that with me. Ramon really knows how to make my head spin. Aren't girls the ones who are supposed to be confusing in a relationship?

Still thinking all of this, I go to bed. It's about six in the morning or so.

My eyes fly open around 11:00 am. I'm not quite sure what woke me up, but I'm expecting to get a call from Kira about the letter. Just as I think this, my cell phone beeps twice, and I know I have gotten a text message. I pick up the phone, congratulating myself on my perfect time to wake up. I see it's from Kira's Mom's cell, and read the message, “dont forget julies anatomy book!” Kira had given me her textbook for the summer homework, and I am supposed to give it to our friend Julie.

“r u mad at me?” I text in reply. All I want to know at this point is whether or not Kira is still pissed at me because I don't want to have an unresolved fight while she is off in Russia.

“u cannot mend my broken heart,” she says. Talk about over dramatic!

So, I text, “i NEED 2 talk 2 u cuz it seems like ur not listening 2 anything im sayin.”

She replies by telling me to call her, which surprises me. I call her house, which is what I usually call, and she doesn't pick up. I call her mom's cell phone, and she still doesn't pick up. I figure she's still mad at me and honestly doesn't want to talk to me, so I stop trying to call her and finally wander out into my kitchen to start my day.

I see seven new messages on our message machine. Seven! So, I listen to them, and the first one is Kira,
of course
. She's telling me that she's not at all mad at me. At hearing this, I'm about to kick myself because I would have done anything to get that phone call. But, I'm even more ready to go die after I hear the rest of the messages. In intervals of about twenty minutes after Kira's first call, we had received a hang up call.

By now I'm sure that even if Kira had been cool with me in the morning, she is mad now because I didn't pick up the phone. Of course I instantly try to call her again. She doesn't answer. I look at the clock, and it's 11:45; her plane left at 11:30. I curse myself for staying up all night with Ramon. If I had gotten proper sleep, the phone ringing would have woken me up. Now I'm stuck still in the middle of a fight for two months that I could have resolved this morning. What a great way to start the summer.