The Convenience of Lies (4 page)

A month has passed since Kira left for Russia, and there's one more month left until she gets back. Soon after she left, I decided not to get my VISA and join her in Russia. I didn't want to go through all that hassle, make my mom spend all that money, only to find out that Kira didn't want me there.
I bet she doesn't miss me at all
. I shake my head to release these thoughts.

I hear a car cruising down my street, and I instantly forget about Kira as I hop to my window to see if it's him. A grin spreads across my face as I see his red car speed by my house and turn around the corner. He is hiding his car from my mom; she has given me one too many glares whenever I mention Ramon to know that she is not a fan of him. She would rather never hear his name again and would freak out if she knew how much I actually see him. Usually when I go hang out with Ramon, I tell her I am seeing another friend instead. “Mom, I'm going to go hang out with Julie.” My mom nods her head and is excited that I am spending time with one of my “wholesome” friends. She has even said she's really happy to hear how much I've been hanging out with Julie. But she doesn't know where I drive off to after I head out the door, and 90% of the time it's over to Ramon's house.

This time, Ramon is coming over to my place because we know that my mom is not going to be home for a while, and so we will have some uninterrupted time. My mom has a boyfriend, and she likes to go over to his house all night once or twice a week, giving them some grown-up time. What she doesn't know is that I am taking advantage of these nights to have some grown-up time of my own. For the past month, ever since Kira left, I have been calling up Ramon whenever Mom goes over to her boyfriend's house.

Usually before my mom leaves, I will play this one-sided dance with her. She will tell me she is going over to her boyfriend's house, and it will be around 8:00 pm. I'll ask her if she is planning to stay the whole night, even though I already know she is. Mom will confirm this, and ask me if I will be all right. I try to hide the fact that my heart has started fluttering with excitement as I tell her I will be fine, and as soon as I hear the car backing out of the driveway, Ramon will already be on his way over.

After I see Ramon's car turn the corner, I know he is about to park. I bounce through the house to the front door, and once I see his blurred image through the fogged glass, I throw it open. Ramon frowns and covers his eyes as our front light, which responds to motion, turns on, blinding him. He is still scowling about it when he enters the house. My cat, Cherry, has black and grey swirls throughout her short fur, penetrating golden eyes, and a wet pink nose. She is already fifteen years old, but still has the energy of a kitten, and comes running over to say hello to Ramon, like she does to everybody. He spats at her to make Cherry leave. When she doesn't respond, he jumps suddenly at her, and Cherry runs away in fear. I see Cherry's grey and white ringed tail whisk off around the corner as she hurries into the living room.

I pretend I don't care that Ramon just shooed off my cat as we wander back to my bedroom like we always do. Ever since the first night of summer, we have fallen into a routine. When my mom goes out for the night, I call Ramon. He comes over, and we hang out chatting in my room for a while. By chatting, I mean that Ramon listens as I chat away about whatever is on my mind, and he grunts monosyllabic responses. This goes on until I've talked myself out and have worked up the nerve to ask him for another massage. Ramon always agrees. This time he tells me to give him one first, and we set a time limit for twenty minutes.

Usually Ramon's massages feel pretty good. He needs to rub harder sometimes, but other than that, I really enjoy them. One kind of massage that Ramon always does well is a shoulder massage. As luck would have it, tonight I'm wearing a brand new white shirt that only has one strap and exposes quite a bit of bare skin. I have honestly not thought about how this will benefit me until Ramon starts his massage, and he rubs my bare shoulder. I feel my skin twitch at the surprise of his fingers, and just after it twitches, my skin seems to tingle right where his fingers were. When he touches me again, my skin tingles again, but this time I can feel the tingling spread throughout my shoulder. The more he touches my skin, the more reactive my skin gets from the anticipation of feeling where his fingers will touch next. I feel like I'm in heaven.

Right then and there I want to take off my shirt and let Ramon rub my entire bare back. But, I know my limits, and Ramon is NOT my boyfriend. So, I'm lying there waiting for each time Ramon is going to rub my bare shoulder again, and wishing that he would just forget the shirt, and stick his hands under it.

Then this idea strikes me. I can lift up the shirt to expose my bare back, but not actually take off the shirt entirely. I'm nervous about the idea, but I know that it shouldn't ruin my relationship with Ramon at all; we have been through too much for that to hurt it. Or would it? I'm sitting there for like five minutes with my mind churning, considering if I should lift up my shirt, when I realize that Ramon is going to stop massaging me in about seven minutes. So I had better do something soon, or else I will not have any time to enjoy it.

So, as inconspicuously as I can, I tighten my abs to raise my stomach slightly off of the bed, and with trembling hands pull up my shirt about five inches. Ramon doesn't say anything, but right away he goes to touching my lower back. I can't believe my luck. I was worried that Ramon would avoid touching my bare back because he wouldn't think it's appropriate.

The euphoria I experienced while getting my shoulders rubbed is nothing compared to getting my bare lower back rubbed. I feel like I have never felt anything until this moment, and now I am feeling everything all at once. My whole mind is being absorbed with just the feeling. That tingling I had felt before is now spreading down into my hips and all of the way up under my shoulder blades. It is like my whole body is on fire. Now every time his fingers touch me, my skin twitches with anticipation and excitement, and the tingling gets so intense it's almost unbearable. It's like the feeling almost hurts, but in a good way, and then after the initial touch, the tingling subsides just enough for me to feel a release all over my lower back. I can feel a spot twitching next to my shoulder blade, and I know that if Ramon were to touch there, it would be like an explosion of anticipation released.

But then, before I get a chance to tell Ramon to touch my shoulder, my time is up. I feel like I am floating with joy, and I wish I had not already given Ramon his massage because I want him to experience how good skin on skin feels too. Instead, Ramon and I lay down in my bed, and he falls asleep.

My mind is still whirling. What Ramon did for me felt amazing, and I didn't want it to stop, but it didn't mean anything. He is still just my friend, and there is nothing I can do about it. He didn't do it for me because he loves me. I have already told him that I like him more than a friend, and pressed that point on him for the past several months. I can't see how Ramon could have done what he did without having feelings for me too. I
wish
he has feelings for me, and it seems like he does, so I need to find out the truth.

How do I do that? I have talked to him, helped him, and flirted with him as much as possible, and I have never really gotten a response from him except a few months ago when he told me that he saw me as just a friend. But now, his actions speak otherwise.

This mixture of thoughts has been running around inside my mind and driving me nuts for about a week. Finally, I turn to my sister, Rachel, and her boyfriend, Darin, for help. After presenting my problem to them, Rachel and Darin look at each other knowingly and both nod their heads. Darin says, “We know what you need to do, but you could risk losing your friendship with Ramon.”

“Just tell me what it is! I'm getting desperate here!”

“You need to give him a hard on,” Rachel says very matter-of-factly.

“What!?!? How?” I ask.

“Do you have a penis fear, Mackenzie?” Rachel asks.

“I don't know! It's not like I've ever really had a chance to test that out!”
Why does that matter; can't she just get to her point?

“Because what you could do…” Rachel grabs Darin's inner thigh and draws it upward toward his dick.

My eyes bug out. “Uhhh, no. I couldn't do that to Ramon.” I shudder at the idea, and shake my head accordingly.

Darin says, “Well, you could do something with your massaging.” Rachel and Darin give each other another look, communicating telepathically.

Darin turns his gaze back to me and says, “What you need to do is massage his bare back too.”

Rachel embellishes, “Start out by giving him just a massage like you usually do, and then just lift his shirt up.” My jaw drops and I stare her down.

“And kiss his back.” Darin advises.

I gape at the two of them like they are crazy, so Rachel states, “You don't have to do it. It's just our suggestion.”

“You do have to think about if it's worth risking your friendship with Ramon,” Darin says.

“Oh, I'm pretty sure that it would be alright. Ramon would not get uncomfortable around me. I just know it.”

“So, you're going to do it?” Rachel asks me.

“Yeah. I mean YES I will.” I'm almost trying to convince myself that I really want to. “I'm soo nervous! But there's no reason to be, because only good could come from it!” I am bouncing up and down with giddy excitement at the prospect of finally having Ramon as my boyfriend.

“Don't get too excited.” Rachel says and smiles. Then she gives me this look like she wants me to leave her room, so I do. I am sure that now Darin and Rachel are madly making out, but I don't care because I am going to get a boyfriend!

My day couldn't get any better when I traipse into the kitchen and find out that my mom is going over to her boyfriend's house again. Mom's boyfriend is about to leave for Europe tomorrow, and so she wants to say bye to him. I figure Mom won't be home until really late, or maybe not even until the morning. What a perfect opportunity to implement my new plan!

So, Ramon comes over, and I'm hoping to go in for the kill tonight. I am having trouble containing my giddy excitement and remaining cool. I feel so awkward that it's hard for me to make conversation with him, and so I settle with saying nothing while fidgeting as I sit next to him on my couch. Finally Ramon ends the silence by talking about Kira's brother, Dimitri. Dimitri had been over at Ramon's house one day when Ramon's neighbor, Alicia, came by also.

Ramon noticed that Dimitri had been flirting with Alicia quite a lot. After Alicia left, Dimitri said, “Damn she was hot! Ramon I want to hook up with your neighbor.”

So Ramon tells me that Dimitri wants his neighbor.
That's nice, why do I care?
Then Ramon says, “But you know, I think she's hot too.” I feel my stomach lurch, and my whole body freezes as if it's wishing to stop time.

“Really?” Is all I can squeak out.

“Yeah. I think I'm going to ask her for her phone number next time I see her. She has the perfect skin, it's not pasty white, and it's not too dark. It's golden-brown. Just right.” Suddenly I become aware of how pale I am. I have always been the whitest person in the family, but I have always passed it off as being fair. Now I see my skin as an empty canvas that's yearning to be painted by the sun's rays. But a tan is temporary and hard to hold up during the colder months. A tan is all I can do to solve the problem, and I know it's still not good enough. Is the color of my skin really so repulsive that it would deter guys, especially Ramon, from dating me?

“But Dimitri has an advantage because he's Russian, and so is Alicia.” Ramon adds this like he thinks I am going to be happy for him and help him figure out how to get Alicia. Does he have any grasp of what he's doing to me? First he gives me reason to believe he's not into me, when he knows I'm crazy about him, and then he has the indecency to imply he wants me to encourage him to see this other girl. Where's the benefit in that for me?

With these thoughts swimming where I can barely catch them, I say flatly, “Yes, but you are her neighbor.” Ramon doesn't notice the ice in my voice. Every second, new fish are added to the pond in my brain as it processes what's happening. Why had Ramon given me that massage when he really didn't like me more than a friend, and why is he going for Alicia? Ramon does not even know Alicia nearly as well as he knows me. How could he be so sure that she is right for him? All he has told me about Alicia is how hot she is, and that's it. Obviously Ramon is just being shallow. I can't believe it. I am so sick of shallow people! I thought that Ramon had more dimensions to him than that, but I guess not.

“Do you like her just for her looks?” I ask Ramon.

“Of course not; she's a great person. The looks are just a plus.”

“But, you didn't like her until Dimitri said something?” I say skeptically. It seems like Ramon wants Alicia just because someone else has labeled her as desirable, not because he genuinely has interest in her.

Right then Ramon is saved from answering because we hear my garage door opening. Damn that thing is loud! But I'm not complaining because it's a signal that mom is home. Our eyes get wide with fear.

Ramon asks “Is that your mom?” Quickly forgetting Alicia, I start to strategize how to prevent my mom from knowing Ramon is here.

“YES! Go to my room NOW! Hide in there. I will figure out how to sneak you out.” I grab Ramon's arm and drag him down the hall as fast as I can while I say this. Ramon climbs in my closet; it's a tight fit, and I close the door. Now I have bought us some time.

I head back into the kitchen, which is where my mom will come in through the garage, and notice Ramon's shoes sitting by the front door. My family has this thing with taking off our shoes to save the carpet. I grab his shoes, rush back to my room, hide them under the bed, and sprint back to the kitchen, feeling my heart pound, and appreciating the fact that we have a small house. Then my cell phone goes off. It's Ramon.