The Cost Of Love And Sanity (12 page)

Nathan nodded. “Are you ready now?”

Yes!
Alex practically screamed in her head but knew better than to say that out loud. She nodded slightly. “Maybe. Your turn!”

He laughed.

“I wasn't gonna let you forget,” Alex said.

He licked his lips. “I know you weren't.” He leaned back in his chair. “I guess I haven't had the right person in my life.”

“Are you sure it's not because you were playing all this time?”

The easy smile that had danced on Nathan's lips a few minutes ago faded from view. His eyes narrowed and the corners of his mouth pulled his face downward. “No, it's not that.”

Alex sipped on her water, aware of the change in his mood. “Do you want to be snatched up?”

“Doesn't everybody?” he asked, taking a sip of his wine.

Alex and Nathan retained eye contact for a few seconds before the waiter returned to take their orders. Nathan's eyes were like transparent pools of water. They seemed to relay a sincere desire for love and happiness but Alex issued herself a warning. She'd been here before and had it all blow up in her face.

By the time their food arrived, they had lapsed into lighter conversation. They even managed to share a laugh or two. For a while, she forgot about her anger toward him, their missed date and the awful ending to their relationship from years ago. She focused on enjoying the evening.

When they finished their meals, they strolled through the center of the complex, passing a mime juggling, a group of people with matching family reunion shirts and a local band playing on a stage. By the time they reached more store fronts, the loudest noises had dissipated. The clocking sound of their shoes hitting the brick pathway became more prominent and isolated.

“Did you like dinner?” Nathan asked, breaking the sound of their footsteps.

“Yes, it was good. I should go there more often. How did you hear about them?”

“I have a friend who used to be a sous chef there. I used to go by and he would hook my ex and me up.”

For some reason, the mention of his romantic past rattled her nerves but she pretended to not care. Instead, she nodded.

“What about you? When was your last relationship? For real,” Nathan said, leaning her way.

Alex's discomfort started from the pit of her stomach and spread across her face, to which Nathan immediately noticed.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine.”

“No, it's okay.” It really wasn't. She preferred to put it behind her but, since he felt like sharing, she feared appearing standoffish, if she didn't do the same. Besides, the evening had been going so well. Shutting down now would ruin the positive vibe.

“My last relationship ended a few weeks ago,” Alex said.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it had been so soon. What went wrong?”

Alex shrugged. She really wanted to forget about Phillip. He reminded her that she had a long way to go before she could reach her dream of a husband and kids. A stable homelife. She never felt more like a loser than she did right then. Still, Alex came up with the most general answer she could. “We wanted different things.”

“Like what?”

“I wanted to succeed in life. He wanted me to be Mary Poppins,” Alex said, looking up at him.

Nathan's eyebrows nearly reached his hairline. “Was it that you
didn't want a family or…” he looked down at the sidewalk, “was he the wrong guy?”

“He was the wrong guy,” Alex whispered.

Nathan nodded in apparent approval of her answer. “I know what you mean. When I was with Clarissa, I felt like she wasn't the right person for me but I hung in there and tried to make it work. Looking back, I probably should have let it go long before I did but then, I wouldn't have my little man.” He smiled. “I love him, even if his mother is nutty.”

“Yeah,” Alex said. They stopped in front of a railing and faced the water. Red, white and blue lit up the Hudson Bridge and the water below it. As Alex gazed out at the scenery, Nathan turned to face her, as he took a deep breath and let his words rip.

“Alex, I'm sorry for the way things ended with us,” he blurted out.

She hoped she appeared calm on the outside because she shook on the inside with the sound of each word. She didn't know what to say or if she should say anything. When she opened her mouth, her throat threatened to close on her. Unaware of her internal struggle, Nathan kept talking.

“I…I know what I did was wrong but I was young and still out there, you know?” He looked at Alex only partially waiting for an answer. “I knew that, um, you were special and that I really cared about you but I didn't know how to love you. I was still going through things.”

Alex continued to stare off into the water, motionless. Nathan moved closer to her. “I always wished I could have another chance. When I saw you at the gas station, it was like God was whispering to me or something.” He laughed softly. “You're still one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. If I had another chance, I would treat you better.”

Alex shut her eyes and covered her ears.

Nathan frowned. “What?”

Alex took a deep breath. “I'm confused.”

“Why?”

Her chest heaved up and down, struggling to contain her volcanic emotions. “Where is this coming from all of a sudden?”

“It's not all of a sudden. I've always felt this way. I want you to forgive me for what I did. I need you to forgive me, Alex.”

Alex rolled her eyes before she had a chance to stop herself.

“What's that about?” Nathan asked.

“That's about you, waiting ten years, until you happened to run into me at a gas station to let me know how you feel. You couldn't have told me this when you called me that night?”

“What night?”

“The night that you were supposed to come by and talk to me.” Alex raised her voice.

Nathan's eyes scanned the ground, searching for the answer. He turned back to her. “You were angry with me. You told me it was over.”

“Right. And then I allowed you to talk me into meeting with you to discuss our relationship. But you never came. You never called. You never came. You disappeared.”

Nathan's mouth dropped. He closed it and opened it a couple of times before uttering anything. His words were soft. “I… I thought you didn't want to have anything to do with me. I thought that if I showed up, you would only tell me to leave. I figured ‘what's the point?'”

Alex trembled, inside and out. She had hoped their conversation would go a lot smoother. Then again, she'd never really imagined this conversation all the way through. She took in a chest full of air. Then, she released it in jagged breaths. She could feel herself losing the little control she had left.

“The point is you left me hanging.” She closed her eyes. “Even though I'd called it off, I felt…unwanted when you didn't even call me to tell me that you weren't coming.” Her voice broke. “And I haven't been able to understand how you could be so upbeat, like nothing ever happened.”

With her last words, a hot tear slid down her face.

“Aww.” Nathan sighed. “Alex, I didn't know.”

He reached over, gave her a hug and led her to a bench nearby. Nathan wiped her tears and pushed a strand of hair away from her face. “I never meant to make you feel that way. I kinda went on with life, thinking that you'd never get over what I did. I should have come by. It was selfish to leave you hanging that way.”

Alex covered her face in disbelief and embarrassment. She felt as naked as a jay bird. Since so much time had passed, she'd thought she had gotten over this—at least to the point where she could talk about it without getting emotional—but obviously she hadn't.

A sob escaped her throat. Nathan wrapped his right arm around her and squeezed her. After he held her for a few more minutes, Alex finally lifted her head and sniffed. Nathan stared into her eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

She nodded. “Yes, I'm fine.”

“I'd like you to accept my apology. I'd like for us to try to work through this. Can we do that?”

Alex looked up at Nathan's clear and kind eyes. She saw patience and compassion. For the first time in several years, she felt free. Not because Nathan said the right things. The toxic emotions that were rumbling beneath the surface for so long had spilled over and left her body. She could now see the opportunity to change and it was time to take it.

“Yes.” Alex nodded.

Nathan smiled and held onto her, as they sat in silence.

E
ven though Alex didn't feel like it, she made herself go to the office an hour earlier than usual. While it required extra effort to wake up earlier to get there, she appreciated being one of the few people in the office and she reveled in the quiet. It gave her time to think. Today was the day of the big meeting. Mr. Sims expected her and Dan to report their progress to him and they had to be on point. Luckily for Alex, she'd been keeping pretty steady notes on her progress with the employers and the call center but there was one problem lingering: confirmed employers for the job fair. She'd made contact with at least a dozen companies but, so far, no one had signed on the dotted line. If she could get one of them to participate, it would be much easier to get the other companies on board.

As she sat at her desk occasionally sipping her hot tea, she tried to focus on her outline for the meeting but that proved difficult as she went in and out of her notes. Her date with Nathan began to occupy her thoughts. Since their cathartic conversation, she'd been floating. They finally got to say things that needed to be said and they were going to try and rebuild their relationship—something she never thought would happen.

Thinking about their renewed relationship gave her a warm feeling inside.
I guess Izzy was right. I did need to follow my heart.
She only hoped that things turned out better this time. Alex closed her
eyes and willed her mind to stay in the moment instead of trying to figure out the future. When her cell phone rang, it startled her. She grabbed the phone and answered.

“Hey, Alex,” Nathan said.

She smiled. “Hi. I was just thinking about you.”

“Oh. That must be why my ears were burning.” He chuckled.

“I think that's supposed to happen when I'm talking about you.” She laughed.

He sucked his teeth. “Same thing.”

She laughed again. “No, it's not.”

“All right, all right. I didn't want to hold you up. I wanted to catch you before you got to work and wish you a good work day. Try not to stress out.”

“That's really sweet. Although I will be stressing, I appreciate it.”

“You shouldn't. Everything's gonna work out.”

“Yeah, we'll see after this staff meeting today. I don't know what Dan is doing. I hope he has it together because, depending on how we present, my boss is either going to praise us or give us the boot,” Alex said, browsing through her meeting outline.

“I'm sure it's not going to come down to that. You'll be fine.”

Before Alex could respond her office phone rang. “Oh. Nathan, I have to go. I'll talk to you later.”

It was still a little early for Alex to be there. She couldn't imagine who would be calling her at this time of morning. She and Nathan said their goodbyes and she quickly picked up her phone.

“Hello. This is Alex.”

“Hello, Ms. Carter. This is Edward Allen from PharmScope. How are you?”

She sat up in her chair. “Mr. Allen. It's a pleasure to hear from you. I am very well. What can I do for you?”

“I wasn't sure if you were in yet but I thought I'd give you a ring to update you on our decision.”

Alex closed her eyes and said a silent prayer. “Oh, okay.”

“I spoke with my staff about your proposal during our last meeting and they gave me their feedback. With all things considered, everyone here agrees it would be beneficial to participate in your fair.”

She wanted to jump out of her chair and do a cartwheel but she managed to control her jumps and yelps long enough to respond to Mr. Allen. “That's wonderful. We look forward to helping you find as many candidates as possible.”

“We'll settle for fifty.”

Alex and Mr. Allen chuckled. “No problem. That I can do.”

“Okay, then. We look forward to working with you.”

“Same here.”

Once they hung up, Alex allowed her excitement full expression. “Yesss!”

She turned back to her outline and added PharmScope as the first employer. Her prayers had been answered. As soon as the meeting was over, she would be on the phone with all of the employers, gently pushing them to sign on before all the spaces are taken. She smiled while putting the finishing touches on the outline. She hit print and walked over to her printer. After four copies, the machine stopped and displayed an error message that she had run out of paper. She looked for more paper in her drawers. When she didn't find any, she grabbed one of her outlines off the printer and went to the copy room to finish her copies.

Alex had walked halfway down the hall when she found herself passing Mr. Sims.

“Morning, Mr. Sims,” she greeted him.

“Morning, Alex. Just the person I wanted to talk to. Are you and Dan prepared for the meeting today?”

“Absolutely. Looking forward to it. I'm actually printing off some copies of my presentation now.”

“Good. I would like for you two to meet me in my office in thirty minutes.”

“Okay. Is there anything wrong?”

“Not at all. I'd like to get a feel for where you guys are with it now.”

Oh snap.
“Sure. Does Dan already know about the meeting or should I let him know?”

“No. You can call him and have him meet us in my office.”