The Cost Of Love And Sanity (23 page)

When she reached the door, she knocked, holding back her earlier dread. She knocked on the door again. Within a few seconds, Nathan opened it. His eyes widened at the sight of her.

“Alex! Where have you been? I tried calling you,” he said.

Seeing his face and hearing his voice caused anger to rise up within her again. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on the reason she came—to peacefully call their relationship off.
Breathe.

“Are you okay? Why don't you come in?” He opened his door all the way and motioned for her to step in.

“Yes,” Alex said, finally opening her eyes. “Uh, no. I mean, yes, I'm fine but can we go somewhere else?” She swallowed and tried to gain some control. She glanced up at the expectant look on his face.

“Sure. You want to go for a walk or go to a restaurant?”

“A walk is fine.”

Nathan stepped back into his house, grabbed his keys and locked the door behind him. They strolled off his driveway and onto the
sidewalk. Alex prepared for the next thing she would say but Nathan beat her to the punch.

“Sooo, what was up with that message you left me last night?” Nathan asked.

“I was upset,” Alex said.

“Clearly. But what about?”

“About you and your half-hearted attempts to rebuild a relationship with me,” Alex said.

Nathan shot laser beams at the pavement.

Alex sighed. “I don't think this is working out.”

He turned to her and frowned. “I don't understand where all this is coming from. What do you mean?”

“I think that we should cool it.” Her voice threatened to break but she forced her words out.

“Why? Because I'm still cool with A.J.?”

“No, because I don't want to keep trying to make a relationship work with someone who hasn't moved on from their past relationship.”

He stopped walking. “But I told you that's over. I'm not seeing my ex anymore. The only reason we talk at all is for my son.”

“I feel like you still have some unfinished business with her.”

He shook his head. “This doesn't make any sense. Where are you getting this from?”

Alex thought about mentioning the picture but she didn't want to give him another chance to defend it. She didn't want this to go on and on every time something happened.
Enough is enough.

“It doesn't matter. This is over.” Alex raised her voice.

Nathan reached out and grabbed her hand. “Alex, listen to me. Don't do this. Are you sure there isn't something else I can do, we can do?” he asked.

She shook her head no.

He rolled his eyes. “This is unbelievable. If I was still into my ex, why would I go through the trouble of getting back with you?”

Alex narrowed her eyes. “I'm trouble now?”

Nathan sighed. “That's not what I meant.”

“Since I'm so much trouble, maybe now you should go back to what you already know,” Alex said.

As soon as the words escaped her, she quickly covered her mouth.
Someone you already know.
Dr. Nguyen's words began to come back to her. When she asked him about fertility treatments, he said it'd be easier for her to have a baby with someone she already knew. She knew Nathan. She could ask him to father her child regardless of whether they were together or not.
Why hadn't I thought of this before?

She had to admit that it seemed farfetched and a little outlandish—the idea that Nathan would turn over his sperm to her like it didn't matter—but what else could she do? She'd been fighting a battle that it didn't appear she would win. She couldn't compete with the mother of Nathan's son for his affections. If he wanted her, Alex had no choice but to let him be with her. Maybe she could still salvage some part of her dream with a request for a child.

Alex fixed her lips to say what she wanted to say but a block stood between her brain and her mouth. She found herself thinking about what he would think and how he would respond. How could she expect him to give her this favor? Yet, she had to ask. It may be her last chance to get anything she wanted.

“I'm sorry, Nathan. I shouldn't have made that last comment.” She paused. “It is hard to believe that you don't have any feelings for her anymore but I shouldn't have made that comment. There is, however, something you can do for me.”

Nathan zeroed in on her. “What?”

Alex closed her eyes and blurted it out. “Give me a baby.”

She stood still, afraid to open her eyes. She couldn't imagine what Nathan must have thought of her question and she couldn't bear to see his expression.
Wait. This is childish. I'm a professional. I can do better.
She decided to count to 5 and open her eyes.
1… 2…3…4…5.

She opened her eyes to see Nathan's blank expression. The little girl in her wanted to run and hide but that's not who she really was. Suddenly, the image of the actress Roxie popped into her head. She thought about Roxie's calm confidence during her interview. The actress remained proud of her decision, regardless of how it looked to others. Alex straightened her posture, stuck out her chest and looked Nathan straight in the eye.

“This might sound like a strange request but I was thinking. I'm not getting any younger and I want some things in life. I already have a home, a great job, good money. I want a chance at having a family and, even though we aren't working out, I was hoping…” She paused. “You would be willing to help me with that.”

Nathan ran his hand over his face. “Wow.”

“What does that mean?” Alex leaned forward, analyzing his face in search of an answer.

“It means…wow.”

“Nathan, you don't have to do anything. Okay? I mean, you do but once it's here, I can take care of it,” Alex added. The more she talked, the more confident she became in her request. She didn't want him to get bogged down in the details. She preferred to keep it simple. Maybe that would increase the chances that he would go along with it.

“Whoa! What are you saying? That you want me to give you the seed and disappear.”

Alex stalled. She really wanted his cooperation.
Please don't be difficult.
“Well…what would you prefer?”

“If I'm gonna make a child, I would want to be a part of his or her life.”

“In what capacity?”

A small, sarcastic laugh escaped Nathan's lips. “In every capacity.”

Part of her wanted to roll into a ball over this new dilemma. She wanted to avoid being hurt by Nathan again but she wanted him to help her have a child. If he were to give her a child, he would want to stick around. She didn't know how she would handle that. The constant reminder of what she couldn't have might prove too much for her.

On the other hand, how was she supposed to walk away from the opportunity now? This might be her only chance to have a child. She had to push her emotions to the side to get what she wanted. She just wished it wasn't so hard.

She placed her hands over her eyes and squeezed them to hold back the tears. “Okay. So, what would you want in order to agree to this? What has to be in place?”

He stammered. “I… I would have to get visitation to start.”

Alex sucked in a chest full of air and exhaled. “What else?”

“I'd want to bring the child around my family. I'd want the child to know its brother.”

“Basically, you want a hand in the child's upbringing?”

Nathan frowned. “Well, yeah. Why wouldn't I?”

Alex turned to face ahead but he grabbed her arm.

“Wouldn't you want a father for your child?” Nathan asked.

“I don't know. If it has one, great. But if not, I can handle it.”

He shook his head. “That's not fair.”

Alex scowled at Nathan and shook her arm out of his grasp. “What are you trying to say?”

Nathan put his hands up. “I'm only saying that it's not fair to the child or you.”

She rolled her eyes.

“You deserve a man that will be there to take care of and protect you both. Not donate his sperm and walk away.”

Alex stared Nathan in the eye. “I'm going to do this. With or without you.”

He stared back at her and bit his lip. “You're serious, huh?” he asked, in a low voice.

Alex crossed her arms.

He paused before answering. “All right. I'll do it.”

A
lthough Nathan agreed to give her a baby, Alex felt unsettled about it the next day. She thought she'd be jumping up and down, feeling like she'd won some kind of victory but that wasn't the case. Nerves had replaced the determination she felt the day before. Unlike her usual go-getter attitude, she hadn't thought her spontaneous request all the way through. She just knew she wanted to do it. Now that she started this, she had to figure out how she and Nathan were going to pull it off.

Alex brushed her hair back in front of her dresser mirror, thinking about when they should conceive. It should probably be as quickly as possible to keep him from changing his mind. Now for the bigger question: how were they going to conceive? They hadn't talked about it yet and she didn't quite know how to broach the subject. She could go to the doctor and ask to be artificially inseminated but it seemed pointless. She'd be spending a lot of money to do something she could no doubt do for free.

But how would she get past the emotional element? Having sex with Nathan again would conjure up emotions that she'd rather bury. Even though she'd called off their relationship, she still wanted to be with him. Alex stared at her reflection in the mirror and shook her head.
Sticky. Sticky.
Her phone rang. She walked over to answer it.

“Hey, Alex.” Nathan's somber voice came through the phone.

Alex frowned. “Hi, Nathan. Is something wrong?”

He cleared his throat. “No, um. I wanted to talk to you. Can you come over for dinner tonight?”

“Why?” A lump formed in Alex's throat. She sat down on her bed. “You're not…” She swallowed. “Changing your mind, are you?”

After a pause, Nathan responded. “No. I don't think so.”

“You don't think so?” Alex raised her eyebrows.

“How are we gonna do this? What are we going to tell your family? My family? I said I would do it but this is kinda bugging me out.”

Oh no.
Alex gripped the phone tighter. Sure, she'd asked for a strange favor but she couldn't afford to have Nathan back out now. He couldn't. He gave her his word he'd do it. She had to make sure he went through with it. That's all she had: his word that he would help her become a mother. As scared as the situation made her, the negotiator in Alex had to come forth.

“Nathan, don't worry about it. Our families will take our lead. If everything is okay with us, it will be okay with them.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

“What time do you want me to come over?”

“Eight o'clock.”

“Fine. I'll be there. You'll see. There'll be no problems.”

Alex hung up with Nathan, determined to make a plan. She needed some talking points that she could use when she met with him. What were the advantages of him doing this? There were plenty of benefits for her but she couldn't think of many for him. The main thing is that he would be helping her. If he cared anything about her, this should be a plus. What were the disadvantages? For one, Alex wanted complete control. Maybe she should draw up a contract of things she's willing to compromise on and have it notarized. That might put him at ease.
I'll bring that up tonight.

•••

As the orange street light cast a soft light over her car, Alex noticed the peaceful quiet of the neighborhood. It gave her an opportunity to think about what she wanted to say to Nathan first once she walked inside his house. She had to be prepared for all his doubts and objections. She'd gotten him to say yes. Now, she had to keep his answer yes.

You might as well get on in there. It's not going to get any easier.
Alex opened her car door and stepped out. She smoothed out the blue and white Tessi Cotton Paisley skirt she'd matched with a white top. She'd put a lot of time and nervous energy into picking out clothes. Catching a glimpse of herself in the car window, she wondered if she had over dressed. Then again, she figured she couldn't go wrong with Ralph Lauren.

She rang the doorbell and Nathan answered after a couple of minutes. His eyes roamed over Alex quick enough to stay on pace but slow enough for her to notice them.

“Hey.” He leaned forward and gave her a soft but firm hug. “Come in.”

Nathan touched her arm and she turned right to see two lilac candles lit in the middle of his dining room table. Their radiant glow stretched over two place settings, a bottle chilled in a silver bucket and a crystal tray with chocolate covered strawberries. A long stem red rose lay beside one of the settings.

“Please.” He motioned toward the dining room.

Her nerves kicked in. All of a sudden, her carefully laid out plan seemed useless.
What is he doing?
She wished she could figure it out but, right then, she couldn't call it. “What is this?” Alex asked with a little bit of panic creeping into her voice.

“A little something to de-stress from the day.”

“Really, Nathan? What happened to ‘we need to talk?'”

He chuckled at her imitation of him. “I sounded a little bothersome over the phone this morning but I'm calmer now. Don't I look calm?”

Nathan turned around, giving Alex a full view of his black slacks and crisp, white shirt. He looked a flawless blend of dressy and comfortable. He always did know how to put himself together well. “Yes.” Alex nodded.

“Great. Let's have dinner.” Nathan pulled out the seat for her and slid it back under her. He picked up the rose next to her table setting and handed it to her.