The Cost Of Love And Sanity (27 page)

“What now? What am I supposed to do now?”

She blinked a few times to clear the watery film covering her pupils.

“No man. No baby.” She sobbed. “Why does this keep happening to me? Why can't I get this right?”

“O
uch,” Alex said as she placed her fingers to her temples—the point of the pounding inside her head. She'd been suffering all morning. So much so that she'd avoided breakfast and run straight for her prescription. Despite her attempt to medicate, the pain hadn't let up. She couldn't pinpoint anything physical that would cause the headache, unless it was Nathan's words.

They still haunted her, echoing through the walls in her mind. She couldn't believe that he would talk to her that way—as if he'd done her some huge favor with the baby arrangement. Like she needed him. She didn't need him. But then again, she did. Currently, he was her only shot at having a child. There were no other prospects, short of calling up a sperm bank and making an appointment. Yet she, like her doctor, didn't believe that it should come to that. Alex was smart and attractive. Why should her conception be any different from anyone else?

Still, he didn't have to make her feel bad about their plans. It contradicted the supportive and understanding way he'd always treated her. Over the past couple of months, Nathan always made her feel special, even when she doubted the nature of his relationship with his son's mother. So, she couldn't tell whether he was fronting for her or if he'd changed his mind about her altogether. Either way, she'd lost something.

“Ms. Carter?” the call center rep said.

“Hmm?” Alex snapped out of her trance long enough to see the puzzled look on the rep's face.

“Are you okay?”

Alex cleared her throat. “Yes, I'm fine. Why?”

“I was asking what are we going to do about the software? Do you want us to look up the numbers individually since we can't generate a client list?”

“No. Work with the ones you have. I'll report the problem to IT.”

“Okay.” The rep turned her chair back to her desk and minimized her main screen.

Alex beelined her way to her office. She closed the door and searched her drawer for her prescription. Before she could get the bottle open, someone knocked on her door. She shoved the bottle back in the drawer.

“Come in.”

Mr. Sims opened the door and strode in with his chest forward. “Alex? I need to see you in my office in five minutes.”

Her eyes widened. “What about, Mr. Sims?”

He crossed his hands behind his back. “We've decided to make some changes around here. You need to be aware of them.”

What kind of changes?
Alex wracked her brain. The changes didn't sound good. Yet, she couldn't imagine why they would be bad. Her team's numbers were better than ever. The job fair had produced many new hires. Their placement numbers had improved.
Are they firing me? No, there is no way.

She nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Good. See you in five.”

He exited the room, closing the door behind him. Alex sat down in her chair and said a brief prayer before migrating to the eleventh floor. As she walked down the corridor, she spotted Dan.

“Sssps! Dan!” Alex whispered. She quickened her step to catch up to him.

Dan turned around. “Alex. What are you doing up here?”

“Mr. Sims came down to my office and asked me to meet him up here in five minutes.”

“Same here.” Dan shot their boss's door a worried expression. “What do you think this is about?”

Alex bit her lip. “I don't know. No clue. I was hoping you might know.”

He shook his head. “This sucks. Do you think we're getting canned?”

This time, Alex shook her head. The sharp pain in her right temple returned and she rubbed the spot. “It doesn't make sense.”

Mr. Sims opened the door. He raised his eyebrows when he saw Alex and Dan standing at his threshold. “I was about to go looking for you two.”

Both forced a nervous laugh. “We're here and ready when you are, Mr. Sims,” Alex said.

Their boss moved to the side and allowed them to set foot onto his thick carpet. Alex immediately saw the president of the agency, Mr. William Stanley, and board member, Mr. Sam McIntosh, in the room. She glanced Dan's way and saw her uneasy feelings reflected on his face.
OMG.

Despite the twinge of pain in her head, Alex forced her signature confidence to kick in. “Good morning, Mr. Stanley. Mr. McIntosh.”

“Morning, Alex. Please. Have a seat.” Mr. Stanley motioned toward the chairs across from Mr. Sims' executive chair, which he temporarily occupied.

For a second, no one spoke and the only thing she could hear was the sound of Dan's pants rubbing back and forth from him
bouncing his leg up and down. She wished she could put her hand on it and force it still but that would have looked grossly inappropriate.

“How is everything?” Mr. Stanley asked.

“Great, sir. Absolutely splendid,” Dan said.

“I've heard. Our numbers are up twenty-five percent now and, for the first time, we have companies chasing us down to work with our staff. That's quite impressive.”

“Everyone has been working really hard to improve the placement rates. It's good to see it pay off,” Alex said.

“Indeed. The newfound interest in our agency has shown us that there's some restructuring needed,” Mr. Stanley said.

Alex's head throbbed so hard she had to briefly look down at the carpet to regain her train of thought. “What type of restructuring?”

Mr. Stanley leaned forward, placing his arms on the desk. “We need to shift some people around. Let some people out of their positions. It's all a part of making the agency stronger, you see?”

Fighting to stay focused, Alex nodded. “Yes.”

“Good. Then I'm sure you'll understand that our revisions have to start with you two.” He switched his attention to Dan, who sat with eyes as wide as saucers.

“Wait a minute. What are you saying?” Dan asked, allowing a little bit of worry to escape his voice.

Alex ran her hand over the back of her head.
Something's not right. I've got to get out of here.

“To accommodate our new opportunities, we're promoting Alex to Senior Recruitment Manager and you to Recruitment Manager. Since you worked so well together before, we'll let you guys streamline our efforts to form better relationships with employers. We
may even develop a new department around you. Making you the leaders.” Mr. Stanley leaned back in the chair, smiling. “What do you think about that?”

“Whoa! That's great!” Dan faced her. “Isn't it, Alex?”

Alex's response was to pass out in her chair.

A
lex pushed the key into the familiar gold doorknob. The door opened and the scent of boiled crabs greeted her. It reminded Alex of her childhood, when crab boils were frequent during the summer. Those times fostered a strong love of seafood, which is why she had to come to her mother's house. She said she was boiling crabs and Alex didn't have to be told twice to stop by.

“Mama! I'm here,” Alex said.

“Okay!” her mother called from her room.

Alex went into the kitchen, where the crab scent intensified.

“Are you feeling better now?” Alex's mother asked, walking into the kitchen.

Alex grabbed a plastic bag and stretched it in half. She laid a beaten pan on top of it and opened the big, steaming pot beside it. The heat rushed from the pot, after which a clear view of crabs, shrimps, corn on the cob and potatoes emerged. Alex plunged a pair of metal thongs into the pot and pulled out three crabs, several shrimps and a corn on the cob.

“Yes. I don't know what happened. All of a sudden, I had this unbearable headache and it took me out. They let me lay down for a while and a couple hours later I left for the day.” Alex shrugged. “But I'm okay.”

As she settled the food in her pan and imagined tearing into it, her mother leaned over the pots. “The hotter ones are in this pot.”

“These are fine, Ma.”

Alex picked up her pan and bag to move to the dining room table. Her mother pushed back the tablecloth to prevent crab juice from flying on it. She was about to sit down and have at it until she remembered that she'd forgotten to grab a drink.

She trotted back into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. She saw pink lemonade. Alex reached for it, grabbed a glass and poured some in it. She picked up the glass and rushed back to the table to get started.

As she tore into her pan, her mother pulled out a chair at the other end of the table and sat down with a similar pan.

“I know what's wrong. You're not getting enough sleep,” her mother said.

Alex shook her head. “How do you know I'm not sleeping enough, Ma?”

“I can see the bags under your eyes. And even when you lived here, you didn't sleep like you were supposed to.”

“Everybody doesn't go to bed at nine,” Alex said, sucking on a crab leg.

“You don't have to go to bed at nine. Get to bed at a decent hour. Midnight is not a decent hour.”

Sometimes Alex swore her mother still thought she was fifteen years old. She took every opportunity to tell her what she thought Alex needed to do, whether she was looking for feedback or not.

Alex opened a crab. “Fine, Ma. I go to sleep late. Therefore, I have bad headaches.”

“Yep. But, at least you got over your fainting spell today. With that big house you live in, God knows you need to keep working.”

Alex rolled her eyes and pushed a thick piece of crab meat in her mouth. “Yep, that's why I need to keep working. It's not because I enjoy my job. Only for the house.”

“Umm hmm,” her mother said, ignoring Alex's sarcasm.

“I'm so happy about the promotion, though.” Alex slurped the salty, seasoned juice from the crab. “I had no idea it was coming. Poor Dan thought we were getting fired.” She chuckled.

Her mother perked up. “Dan? Who's Dan?”

“He's the guy I worked with on the job fair.”

“Oh. Did you two go out?”

Alex paused. “Really, Ma?”

“I'm asking! I can ask.”

“No. We did not go out.”

“Why not? What's wrong with him?” Her mother frowned.

Alex picked up her pink lemonade. “Nothing's wrong with him. He's my coworker.”

“So. I had two coworkers that dated and they are married now. I'll bet you don't even look interested when you're around him, do you?”

After taking a swig, Alex put her glass down and turned to her mother. “Why should I? I'm
not
interested in him.”

She and her mother peered at each other for a second. Alex opened another crab in her pan, while her mother continued to stare. Her mother picked up her Diet Coke and sipped it, keeping her eyes on her daughter.

“Then, who are you interested in?” her mother asked, noticeably less aggressive than before.

Alex sighed and closed her eyes, wishing the conversation would end. “No one.”

Her mother leaned forward. “Now I know you feel like I give you a hard time. And maybe sometimes I do. You're my daughter and I'm always going to care about what's going on with you.”

Alex stopped chewing. She hadn't mentioned her reconciliation with Nathan to her mother. She preferred to wait until the relationship
picked up more steam and became more stable. It was never fun explaining to her mother why a relationship didn't work out. Her mother always made it her fault.

Since she made the arrangement with Nathan, she still hadn't given much thought to how she would present the situation to her mother. There was no way she could tell her mother the truth. As she sat at the table with her, Alex thought about how to mention Nathan to her mother. Whatever method she chose Alex had to be as careful as possible. Her mother would easily detect a lie.

She remembered when she was fourteen. Her mother told her not to buy a flat iron to use on her hair. Alex went behind her back and bought it anyway, figuring that she could find some clever place to hide it in her room. She decided to stuff it under her bed with a couple of plastic bins she kept there. It worked for a week. Alex came home from school one day to find her mother sitting on her bed holding the flat iron. She was flabbergasted. Out of all the times her mother never looked under her bed, how did she know to check under her bed at that particular time? Her mother grounded her for a week. Ever since then, Alex was convinced she couldn't hide anything from her mother, which is why she kept much of her life away from her. So in most cases, trying to tell her mother about Nathan while avoiding the “arrangement” would be especially difficult.

Still, something about her mother's mini speech dumbfounded her. Rarely, did she ever show Alex this type of patience and consideration. She almost felt like she'd grown up with a nurturing and supportive mother. Almost. Struck curious by her mother's attempt to reach out to her, Alex decided to give her mother the answer she'd been longing for.

Alex cleared her throat. “I was sort of seeing Nathan.” She
played with the crab claw to keep from meeting her mother's intent stare.

“Who's Nathan?”

“You know Nathan. We dated about a decade ago.”

Her mother scanned the air for recognition until she finally remembered. “Oh! Nathan. When did you run into him?”

Alex shrugged. “A little while ago.” She knew better than to tell her mother that they'd reestablished contact more than two months ago. All the patience in the world wouldn't have stopped her mother from blowing her lid over being kept in the dark about it.

“That's nice. I remember you being very fond of him.” Her mother cracked a claw. “Why do you say you're ‘sort of' dating?”