The Cost Of Love And Sanity (28 page)

Alex shrugged and popped a shrimp in her mouth. “I guess we're not all that compatible. Sometimes things don't work out.”

“That's unfortunate.” Her mother paused. “You should really try to work
this
one out.”

Alex could feel her nostrils burning. This was exactly why she didn't like talking to her mother about her personal life. She always had all the relationship advice in the world, even though she hadn't been married since Alex's father left twenty years ago.

“Why, Ma? Because he's my last chance? Because I'm getting older and soon I won't be able to pull them in like I used to? Or is it because eventually nobody's gonna want to deal with someone as stubborn as me?” She was so tired of her mother telling her the worst about herself. She wished for once she could let her be.

Her mother took a deep breath. “No.”

“Then, why?”

Her mother stared her square in the eye and let it rip. “Because you're pregnant, Alex.”

•••

This is ridiculous. Ma is overreacting.
Alex had a hard time believing she was pregnant. Not because she didn't want to believe it; she had a hard time believing that her mother could tell it by looking at her.
When did she become Miss Cleo?

Alex pulled her long sweater around her and marched into the cold convenience store. The polite yet stressed look on the store manager's face seemed to acknowledge that she barely caught the store open. Alex nodded to him and made a beeline to the row with the home pregnancy tests. There were several. She didn't know which one to choose. She'd seen a lot of commercials for EPT. Then again, she'd also heard of First Response. All they had was a pack of two for $11.99.
Why would anyone need two pregnancy tests? In case the first one failed?

She sighed, grabbed the First Response and dashed toward the check out, as a man got in line behind her.

Instead of placing the test on the counter, Alex handed it to the cashier. She wanted as few people as possible to see her with it. The young checkout girl with the nametag that read “Kelly” pushed her glasses on her face, reached for the test and scanned it like it were merely a box of pop tarts.

“Twelve seventy,” Kelly said.

As Alex handed her a twenty-dollar bill, her hand shook a little, which perplexed her. Fear rattled her to the core. What was she afraid of? If she was pregnant, she'd have the family she wanted—at least partially. If she wasn't, she'd have to try again. But with whom? Now that she and Nathan were on the outs, he probably would want nothing else to do with her.

Why couldn't he understand? She wanted his loyalty. It wasn't
always clear to her that she had it. That made her angry. So, she retaliated in telling him off. He was good at overlooking things and being the nice guy. He'd forgive her. She hoped.

Alex shook her head to clear her mind and keep from getting ahead of herself.

Kelly handed her the bag and her change. “Goodnight and good luck.”

Alex glanced back at the man in the line behind her to see if he'd caught the meaning of Kelly's words. Unsure of what to say, Alex nodded and smiled at the cashier.

The time between walking from the store to her car and opening her garage door seemed to take forever. She scowled at every red light and gave the evil eye to every slow driver she passed. When she finally walked through her kitchen and placed her purse in a chair, she reached into the bag for the box. She read the directions carefully while taking quick steps up her stairs. One line meant her life would continue without any changes. Two lines meant she should start looking at daycare and preschools. Alex inhaled and exhaled.
Here goes nothing.

She took the test in her master bathroom. Afterward, she migrated to her bedroom to wait three minutes. Three long minutes. Alex picked up her remote control and sat at the foot of her bed. She pulled her legs up to her chin as the sound of the TV filled the dark room. Searching for something funny to distract her, she clicked on the guide. She found an old episode of
Girlfriends
, where Joan thought she'd met her soul mate. Alex honed in on Joan's attempt to hide her exchanges with the man of her dreams from her boyfriend. She became so engrossed in the scene that before she knew it several commercials had passed and her three minutes were up.

She eased up from her bed and headed back to the bathroom. Alex walked in only to turn her back to the pregnancy test.
C'mon, Alex. You can do this. You have to do this.
She closed her eyes and slowly turned toward the test again. After inching closer to it, she opened her eyes and leaned over the bathroom counter. Her mouth dropped.
Two lines.

“Oh my gosh!”

Still stunned, Alex migrated toward her room, fell on the bed and pulled the covers around her. She no longer paid attention to the television show. She closed her eyes and allowed a number of thoughts to run through her head, starting with the first.

How do I tell Nathan?

A
lex's steps are slow and languid down the shiny beige and brown marble floor. She glances down at her flats. They look ridiculous but, at 8 ½ months into pregnancy, she needs all the comfort she can get. She returns her attention to the stores on her right, specifically Baby Land. The store's cutesy clothes and colorful toys call to her. She walks in and strolls down the heavenly lit aisles. Alex fingers the impeccably stitched fabric until a sales associate comes up to her. The associate's dress glows like she should be donning a halo.

“Well, my goodness. When are we due?” she asks.

Alex bows her head and smiles. “Next month.”

“I'll bet you can't wait.”

“I can't. It'll be great to see my feet again.”

The associate laughs and Alex joins in. Alex stops short when she happens to glance out the store window. She sees Nathan walking on the other side of the mall corridor with his son's mother. Alex's heart sinks as she watches him walk around carrying a drink and talking to her. Their son walks in front of them. Nathan is oblivious to her stare or that she is even in the vicinity. He has the same relatively carefree attitude he always has. It gives her the visual of what his life is like without her. Just fine.

“Alex! There you are.” An older man approaches her out of the shaded area of the mall. His hair is gray and receding. He has slight stubble on his face. He moves quickly to meet her. “I've been looking all over for you.”

“I'm looking at the baby stuff,” Alex says, leaning closer to the sales associate.

“It's time for us to go.” He reaches for Alex's arm.

“Are you sure there isn't anything I can show you? What do you and the father already have?” the associate asks as the older man leads her out of Baby Land.

“Nothing. We have nothing,” Alex says.

The alarm sounded off. Alex jerked out of her sleep and slapped it silent. She peeped at the time like she didn't already know it. She fell back into her bed and closed her eyes. It took her forever to fall asleep last night and then she had to have that silly dream.

Her mind continued to ponder the future with her unborn child. As before, she wasn't worried about the financial outlook. She made more than enough to take care of a child but she wasn't sure what to do about Nathan.

Her mind flashed back to Roxie Miller's advice for aspiring mothers:

“No matter how scared you are, if you really want this, you can make it happen. I did it and I'm very happy with my decision.”

Happy didn't quite describe Alex's feelings. Though she remained confident in her fiscal outlook, fear and sadness gripped her throughout the night and it hadn't let up that morning. Her easy plan didn't feel so easy anymore. While she'd gotten the result that she wanted, she didn't have the thing she really wanted: a full family complete with a husband for her and a father for her child.

Is this the best I can do?
A tear rolled off the corner of her left eye to her ear. She'd made her decision. In nine months, she would have a baby. Now, Alex had to convince herself that it wasn't too late for her to have the husband she wanted. The decision to have a baby on her own did not make her happy. On the contrary, she felt ashamed that she had sold out—given up on her dreams.

Alex wiped the tear from her face and pushed her body out of
bed. In the bathroom, she walked up to the sink and spotted the pregnancy test. She thought about the baby about to start growing in her belly and smiled. For a brief moment, she felt some of the happiness that she probably should feel. Alex looked in the mirror and saw her reddish, puffy face. She had to pull it together. Her staff had to see her usual calm and confident demeanor. This was no time to fall apart, especially after getting a promotion. She had to keep a positive attitude, regardless of how she felt.

Once she drove to work and the main door opened to the building, employees begin congratulating her on the promotion.

“Congratulations,” Betty said when Alex approached the front desk.

“Thank you. I see word travels fast.”

“When it's good news. Are you feeling all right?” Betty asked, staring at her.

“Yes. Why?” Alex stood straighter, fearing that her fragile emotions were too close to the surface.

“I heard about you fainting.”

“Oh.” Alex breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, I'm better now.”

Betty searched her eyes. “Good.”

Alex smiled and walked toward the elevator. After she reached her office, she closed the door, sat in her chair and pulled out her daily planner. Her morning meeting with Dan caught her eye right away. She glanced at the clock. He would be there in about twelve minutes.

They needed to start planning how they were going to execute this new area of the company. They'd already shown they could make events successful but they had to set more long-term goals.

On one hand, Alex welcomed the distraction from her issues but, on the other hand, it might be difficult to concentrate. She didn't
want to waste time—his or hers. It wasn't a good idea to cancel the meeting. They had too much to do. She turned on her computer and pulled out her notepad and pen. No need to overreact. For the first meeting, they were only brainstorming.

As she logged into the Matrix computer software, she heard a knock at the door.

“Come in.”

Dan opened the door and Alex looked up at him. She did a double take. Dan, who usually dressed professional enough for the office, seemed to have upped his game in that department. He wore a dark blue suit with a pale blue shirt and a purple tie. He topped it off with wing-tipped shoes. His current getup was a far cry from the beige slacks and cheaper shoes she'd gotten used to seeing.

“What is this about?” Alex asked, laughing for the first time in awhile.

He smiled wide and stretched out his arms. “I thought an updated position called for an updated wardrobe. You likey?”

“Nice choice.”

He closed her office door behind him and walked over to the chair in front of her desk. He unbuttoned his jacket and sat down. “Are you much better?”

“Yes, I am better now.”

“That was weird, huh? Do you know what caused you to faint like that?” Dan leaned forward.

“I had a little headache,” Alex said. “Plus, I was probably tired. You know, after all the activity.”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, we did work hard on the fair. Have you gotten a chance to go celebrate your promotion?”

Alex turned to her computer. “Not really.”

“We should go for a celebratory drink. What about lunch today?”

“I can't.”

“Why?” Dan asked.

His happiness made it hard for Alex to hold herself together. She should have been happy. A new position and now a new baby on the way. Yet, she felt like her life had turned upside down. How was she supposed to concentrate on a meeting with Dan while on the verge of falling apart? She couldn't.

He stared at her. “Alex? Are you okay?”

She inhaled. “I, um, think I need to postpone our meeting.”

“Why? Are you sick or something?”

She shook her head and covered her mouth.

“Wait. I got an idea. Instead of staying in this stiff office, why don't we go across the street to The Skyline Café?”

Dan stood up. Alex watched him walk toward her door.

“C'mon.” He motioned.

Alex took a deep breath and grabbed her keys. She and Dan walked through the lobby, passing Betty.

“We're going to a meeting across the street, Betty. We'll be back soon,” Dan said over his shoulder.

The Skyline Café had a chic feel to it. Not only did it attract professionals but many singles frequented the café during its night hours. Alex tried getting Izzy to go to some of their events but her friend didn't like the atmosphere. Too stuffy, she'd said. On this particular day, the chairs on its roof were wrapped in a tan covering, which matched the tablecloths. Unlit candles in their glass holders sat on the tables. At night, the café lit them, creating an awe inspiring view against the lights of the city.

Dan and Alex walked to the rail at the edge of the rooftop. After a few minutes of watching the hustle and bustle of the drivers on their morning commutes, Dan broke the silence.

“What's going on?”

Alex inhaled and exhaled as a cool breeze blew through the air.

“You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to but I figured it might help, since you're obviously upset about something,” Dan said.

She faced Dan. “Have you ever wanted something so bad but you couldn't quite get it?”

Dan cocked his head to the side. “What do you mean?”