The Cost Of Love And Sanity (29 page)

“I've spent the past several years waiting for something to the point that I didn't believe that I would ever get it. Then, when it arrived, things went wrong.” Alex shrugged. “And I still don't understand where or how.”

“Well, I doubt things just went wrong. Something had to happen.”

“No, it went wrong.”

Dan shook his head. “It's like this, Alex. Physics teaches us that in order for something to move we have to apply force to it. The same is true for our problems.” He faced her. “Nothing simply happens. Nothing goes amiss on its own. An action took place, whether it was someone else's action or our own action, somehow we put the situation in motion.”

Alex focused on the traffic light below them. “I don't understand. What are you saying? That I made this happen?”

He turned his back against the traffic. “I'm saying that sometimes we do things, unknowingly. And those actions have an effect on the outcomes. Once we realize what we did, we can change things. We can replace the old action with a new action. One that will give us the outcome that we want.”

“But I don't understand what I did to cause this. All I wanted was a husband and a kid.”

Dan raised his eyebrows. “Will any husband do?” He laughed.

Alex smiled lazily. “No.”

“So you have someone in mind? The man in the parking lot?”

“Yes, but it doesn't matter. He's gone.” She frowned.

“What did he do? Leave the country?”

“No. He's back with his ex, I think.”

Dan shook his head. “You think? But you don't really know?”

“His ‘friend' suggested they might still be seeing each other. When he was helping me with my car the other day, she called him and he had to step away to talk to her.”

“Did you ask him about it?”

“Yes, and he said he's not with her.”

Dan shrugged. “Why don't you believe him?”

“Because it's hard to.” Alex faced Dan. Tears started to well in her eyes. “And now I'm pregnant.”

Dan leaned back. “Whoa! When were you going to tell me this?”

“I did.” Alex scowled. “And you better not tell anyone else either.” She pointed at him.

He widened his eyes. “Of course not. Congratulations! A baby.” He leaned on the rail and looked at her. “So, you haven't told him yet?”

She shook her head.

“When are you gonna tell him?”

“What do you mean?”

“The dude? When are you going to let him know?”

“I told you he has someone else!”

Dan looked up at the sky. “Oh my gosh! I know you're not going to leave this man in the dark. This is crazy.” He laughed and shook his head. “You know what I noticed about you?”

Alex crossed her arms. She had no patience for jokes. She was baring her soul to him, a coworker, which is something she never
did. He could at least sympathize with her because, at this point, he knew more about her feelings for Nathan than anybody, including Izzy.

“What?” Alex asked, squinting at him.

“You are one of the most successful women I know. You just earned a promotion. You drive an expensive car. You probably even own a nice house—”

Alex stood up straight. “—I should. I worked hard for those things.” She dug her pointer finger on the railing for emphasis.

“There you go!” Dan pointed at her.

She jerked her head back. “What?”

“You worked hard for those things. You don't make excuses. Like Nike, you just do it!” He paused. “Yet, when it comes to the area of your life that means the most to you, you're coming up with all these reasons why you can't do something about it. Why can't you make this happen like you made the car, the house and the job happen?”

Alex started to breath hard. She faced the traffic, hoping that the open air would help restore her normal breathing. “It's not the same thing.”

“It's not? You've always known how to make things happen. This is what you
really
want but you'd rather play the victim than do what ‘Alex' would usually do,” Dan said.

“Now, wait a minute. I'm nobody's victim. I can do anything. I…” As she trailed off, tears ran down her face.

Dan stepped closer to her and softened his tone.

Alex covered her mouth and looked away. Tears poured down her face. She had one big problem; she did love Nathan and she really did want to be with him again but she feared that he didn't want her, after the way she acted. She feared it was too late.

Dan hugged her tight. “I know you're not a victim.” He pulled her away from him so he could face her. “And you deserve all the love and happiness you can hold.” He glanced down at her stomach. “It's time to give yourself what you want, Alex. To do anything less would be…insanity.”

Alex cocked her head to the side. She had always heard about the “light bulb moment.” However, she'd never experienced it, until then. All of a sudden, everything made sense. She knew what she had to do.

Dan smiled and nudged her back the way they came. “C'mon. Let's get you out of this air, Mama.”

A
lex pulled into Nathan's driveway behind his Acura. She sat there, like she had done about a week ago. Except this time, the stakes were much higher. The last time she drove to his house asking for a mere fraction of what she really wanted. Now, she wanted to go back and renegotiate, which could be risky in business and relationships. She didn't have any bargaining chips. She'd aggravated him, yelled at him. They had a long history of not working things out and he had someone else he could more than likely go back to at a moment's notice. As Alex thought about all the odds against her, she felt herself wavering, feeling like this trip may not be worth it. Then, she remembered Dan's strong, yet compassionate words to her. She had to let Nathan know how she felt about him no matter what the outcome would be.

She fidgeted, as she mentally rehearsed what to say to Nathan when she saw him. She opened her car door and climbed out to take the familiar walk to his front door. Alex knocked on the door and waited. Silence. She knocked on it again. The anticipation of him answering nearly killed her. After a few more seconds of silence, her anxiety got the best of her and she turned to go back to her car. As soon as she walked down a couple of steps, Nathan's door opened.

“Alex?” Nathan said.

She heard him and stopped. Alex turned back around to face Nathan. He wore sweat pants and a T-shirt.

“Hi, Nathan.”

“Hey. I didn't expect to see you here.” He looked her up and down. “What's up?”

She took a deep breath.
I have to do this now.
“I stopped by because I needed to talk to you about something.”

He paused. “Okay. Come in.” Nathan pointed toward his door.

Alex settled the butterflies in her stomach. She followed him into his house. He closed the door behind him and headed toward the kitchen.

“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked.

“Water.”

While he grabbed glasses out of the cabinet, Alex worked on her nerve to tell him the truth. Though she had rehearsed her words in the car, those same words had deserted her. Her mind could only grasp short phrases of the things she wanted to say. She took a deep breath and exhaled as he returned to her with a glass of water. She reached for it and took a gulp. The cool water soothed her parched throat. She felt momentary relief from her anxiety.

“Why don't you have a seat?” Nathan asked.

Alex sat down in a chair, holding the glass with both hands.

“Um. What did you want to talk about?” he asked, sitting down on the couch next to her chair.

Alex studied his face. She'd grown accustomed to the warm and supportive energy that seemed to radiate from his very core. He always made her feel welcomed, no matter what the situation. As she stared into Nathan's eyes, she got a slight chill. His eyes had become a bit cold, devoid of their usual positive emotion. Alex could tell she had a big mountain to climb and decided it was time to get started.

“I want to start by apologizing for my behavior a few days ago.
I was out of line and I really do appreciate you helping me with my car lock,” she said quietly.

Nathan nodded. “Okay. Why did you go off on me?”

She glanced up at the ceiling. “Because I was afraid you were back with your ex. I feared that was where you really wanted to be anyway and that you had been playing me. So, I lost it.”

He leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. “Help me understand. What have I done to make you think I was ‘playing you?'”

Alex sighed. “For starters, you stood me up.”

“And I bought you flowers. What else?”

“Then, your friend called me Clarissa.” Alex rolled her eyes at having to say his ex's name.

“And I told you he was mistaken.”

“Then, he showed me the picture.”

Nathan frowned. “What, what picture?”

“The one with you, her and your son.”

“I haven't taken any picture with them,” Nathan said.

“Yes, you did. You were wearing a blue and white striped shirt and your son was wearing a red shirt and some little jean shorts.”
I'm trying to apologize to you, Nathan. Please don't lie to me now.

He stood up and walked over to his book shelf. After shuffling through the books and photo albums on the bottom shelf, Nathan pulled out a black photo album. He flipped through a couple of pages and stopped.

“Is this the picture you're talking about?” Nathan had removed the photo from the album and handed it to her.

Alex stared at the printed replica of the photo she saw on A.J.'s phone. “Yes. I thought you said you didn't take any pictures with them.”

He sucked his teeth. “Turn it over.”

She did. In the left-hand corner, Nathan had written the date 7/8/11. “This doesn't make any sense. Why did A.J. have this printed picture in his phone? Why did he have any picture of you all in his phone?” Alex asked.

“Last year, Clarissa and I took Keandre to a birthday party. Afterward, some of my friends were getting together to shoot some pool. A.J. came by to pick me up. I wanted to take a picture of us with my phone and have it printed later but my phone's battery was acting up. When A.J. arrived to pick me up, I asked him to take the picture and email it to me.” Nathan shrugged. “I didn't know that fool still had it on his phone. Why would he need that?”

I am so stupid for believing anything A.J. said.
Alex handed the photo back to Nathan. He took it and sat back down on the couch.

“She and I actually broke up a couple of weeks after the picture was taken.” He stared at it. “Why didn't you tell me about this?”

Alex shook her head. “I don't know. I guess I thought where there's smoke, there must be fire.” She put her glass of water down. “Nathan, these last few months haven't been the easiest. I broke up with a jerk and, on top of that, I had to defend my job. But, in the mist of all this, I felt like I was missing something. And then, you showed up and I didn't really know what to make of seeing you. I didn't want to believe that there was more to you and be disappointed all over again.”

“Listen. I know I messed up years ago but I said I was sorry. You said you forgave me,” Nathan said.

“I do and now I have to forgive myself for getting in my own way. You were trying to offer me everything and I was only accepting a piece of it.” Alex glanced down at her stomach. She'd made a mistake but she hoped she wouldn't be punished for it. She didn't want to take care of her child alone. Yet, she didn't want Nathan
to try and stick around out of duty. She wanted to know that he still desired a relationship with her, that he still loved her, even though she'd been hard to love. In order to find out, she had to step out on faith. She had to be honest.

Alex swallowed the lump in her throat and looked Nathan square in the eye. “I love you, Nathan and I want to try again. I want to make an honest effort to make our relationship work without the outside interference or my own previous doubts. I don't know if you're ready to move on or not but I want more than a baby with you. I want everything.” Never in her life, did she remember being so vulnerable, so bare. It was a hard place to be. A cold place to be. After her little speech, she covered her face, afraid to look at the man she loved—scared that there was a big chance that he didn't feel the same way anymore.

A few seconds of silence passed, which frightened her even more. She slowly parted her fingers and found Nathan on one knee beside her chair. He reached out for her hand and she gave it to him, confused.

“You are the love of my life, Alex. No matter how it seemed or what I did or what you think I did, I've never cared for anyone the way that I've cared for you.” He touched her face. “You're my best friend.”

Nathan reached into the pocket of his sweatpants and pulled out a small box. He stopped and stared at it. “I've been struggling with this for a few days. I was hoping to get some kind of sign of what to do next.”

He opened the box and revealed a two-carat, princess-cut diamond nestled in a platinum setting. Alex gasped and covered her mouth.

“Alexis Carter? Will you marry me?”

Alex opened her mouth but nothing would come out. When she realized she hadn't uttered any sounds, she nodded.

Nathan smiled at her. The warmth she'd grown to expect had returned to his eyes. “Is that a yes?”

“Yes,” Alex managed to squeak.

Nathan slid the ring on her finger and stood up to hug her. Alex's heart nearly beat a hole in her chest. She couldn't believe her dreams were coming true. Suddenly, all of her worries disappeared. A tremendous sense of relief fell over her. For the first time in her life, she was completely happy. So happy, she almost forgot to make another announcement.