The Damaged One (9 page)

They ate potatoes out of the pot, sharing a spoon rather than dirtying unnecessary dishes. She joked that they had already shared so many germs that it would be impossible for either to get sick again. A month ago, the idea would have driven him to celibacy, but he liked the way she eagerly swallowed the little clumps he left behind after each bite.

Toby rinsed the dishes quickly and then asked him what he wanted to do next.

“There’s a stack of DVDs that I never have time to watch. And the late news is on.”

“We could do that.”

“Or there’s a bar down the street where I hear they serve a really good mai
-tai.”

“Alcohol’s always good.”

She was watching him, her naked body showing arousal as her nipples hardened and that attractive flush began to spread from her cheeks to the tops of her breasts. He was behind the counter, so she couldn’t see his arousal. It kept her guessing, wondering what he was thinking as he agreed to each of her suggestions. He could see frustration come into her eyes as she crossed her arms, covering her breasts.

“You don’t have to stay.”

His eyebrows rose. “Are you kicking me out?”

“Of course not,” was her quick reply. “I just…I never know what you’re thinking.”

“Why don’t you just ask?”

She bit her lip, that quirky habit driving him crazy each time she did it. It only made him want to taste her over and again. She was staring at the floor and he thought she wasn’t going to answer. But then she looked at him, the color disappearing from her cheeks.

“I’m afraid to. I’m not sure I would like the answer.”

That threw him a little. He leaned forward, resting his hands on the counter as he studied her. “Why are you afraid of me?”

“Because I don’t think you’re honest with me.”

“What makes you think that?”

She shook her head, her eyes falling to the floor again. Suddenly a lighthearted conversation had gotten dark. He wasn’t sure what she was doing, what she thought she wanted, or didn’t want, to know from him. So he did the only thing he knew to do, the only thing he really wanted to do. He walked around the counter and lifted her so that she sat precariously on the edge of the sink.

He pushed her hair out of her face and kissed her gently. “All you need to know right now is that I want you.” He ran his thumb over her bottom lip. “
That’s me being honest.”

She leaned forward and kissed his chest. “Then I’ll take that.”

It seemed like they always ended up here. Here on the counter, her thighs welcoming him like a long, lost part of her body that had finally come home. He’d wanted her here that first night, had wanted to take what wasn’t his for one night. And then he’d come back, content to use her until he got what he wanted. But it hadn’t worked out that way. She wasn’t the experienced woman he had assumed she was the first time they met. Yet, here they were again.

Her body should have been so familiar to him now. He should have known every inch. And he did, he knew her in a way he had not known a woman since Claire. He knew how it felt to cup her breast in his hand, how it felt to run his hand along her thigh. He knew the contours of her back, the curves of her throat. He knew how it felt to
bring her to orgasm, to feel her body quiver against his. But there were so many other things he still did not know. And he wanted to know. Despite everything, he wanted to know.

He slid inside of her there on the counter, pulled her hips forward and filled her with all he had to offer at the moment. He didn’t know what she wanted, didn’t know what he could offer her. But he knew he could do this.

Toby melted against him, the tension of moments ago evaporating. He buried his fingers in her hair, twisted them around his hand so he could control the position of her head. Pain flashed in her eyes when he tugged her head back, but she didn’t try to pull away. It hurt his heart a little, but he wasn’t sure if that was because he knew she trusted him, or because he knew he could do anything he wanted and she wouldn’t bat an eye. She was used to being hurt. It was what she expected.

And it was what he was doing.

She fell asleep not long after they fell back into the bed. Augustus watched her sleep for a while, telling himself he was simply waiting until he was sure she was sound. He couldn’t stop himself from touching her. He slid his fingers over her breasts, her belly, touching her with the care he would show a classic musical instrument. He loved the silkiness of her skin, the imperfections that made it perfect. The tiny scar that shown thick and white on her hip, the old burn scar on her shoulder that was eerily similar to one on his thigh.
He found a new mark, a thin scar on the underside of her wrist. How could he have thought he have thought he could ever know everything about her? He was just at the beginning.

For the first time, he found himself wondering about Jackie’s relationship with Toby. Had Jackie found comfort in their sessions together? Had they talked about the past, the things Jackie had shared with Charlie, Fontaine, and him? Or had she kept her secret, pretended that Lucky was her real name, her true persona?

It had never crossed him mind before. Jackie had never stayed with a therapist longer than a few weeks. She always complained about their inability to relate to her, about the pill pushers who were more interested in feeding her Prozac then helping her talk out her feelings. Not even the drug counselors she had met in rehab made it through her exacting expectations. No one.

Except Toby.

“What did you say to her?” he asked in a harsh whisper. “What did you do?”

He closed his eyes and saw his sister’s grave with someone else’s name, someone else’s birthdate, on it. He opened his eyes and he saw the last person to ever see her alive. No…it was more than that. He saw the woman who tried to help her, who tried to breakthrough. A woman who must have made more progress than anyone before her. Jackie had to have trusted her, at least to a certain degree. Did that mean Augustus could trust her, too?

Could he trust anyone?

Augustus climbed out of bed, pausing at the foot of the bed to watch Toby a second longer. She didn’t move. She lay curled on her side, her breathing smooth, her face a mask of relaxation.

He snatched up his jeans from the floor and carried them into the kitchen, waiting until he had the computer open and booting before he slid them on. He knew exactly where he wanted to go this time. He opened the documents and highlighted the one marked Lucky. The first page had the logo of the university across the top.

He’d found it. Notes from Toby’s sessions with Jackie.

The first few were pretty cursory. Jackie wasn’t very forthcoming those first few sessions. Wouldn’t even tell Toby why she felt she needed to see a therapist. In the third session she admitted to using drugs. Even admitted to being high at the time of the session. Jackie missed her fourth session.

Augustus scrolled through the notes carefully, reading some of them two or three times. He didn’t want to miss anything, any clue as to who might have been the man to give Jackie those fatal drugs. The fifth session was more of the same. A month of visits and nothing.

But she kept going back.

The sixth session Jackie mentioned Kaleb. Told Toby that he was violent sometimes, that she was afraid of what he might do if she ever left him. When Toby pushed her to explain her fears, Jackie shut down. So familiar, Augustus thought. You couldn’t force Jackie to talk about anything until she was ready.

Session seven. Began pretty much the same. But then something changed. Toby noted that Jackie asked her repeatedly if the sessions were protected speech. When Toby asked what she meant, Jackie asked if anyone ever watched the video tapes made of the sessions. Toby told her that the tapes were reviewed by the professor to make sure the student was interacting with the patient properly.

“So someone else hears everything we say in here?”

“Only Professor Flack. She would never break patient confidentiality.”

Toby recorded the conversation word for word, clearly intrigued by Jackie’s sudden need for privacy. She notes that Jackie shut down after that, following the familiar pattern of only answering questions with a nod, if she answered them at all.

Augustus went over those notes a second time, wondering what Jackie was trying to find out. Was she trying to decide if she could trust Toby? That was Toby’s assessment. Augustus wondered, however, if it was not Toby she was testing, but the entire system. Was Jackie ready to tell Toby something, but afraid of it leaving Toby’s control?

What was Jackie up to?

“How long have you known?”

Augustus jumped at the sound of Toby’s voice behind him. He quickly minimized the window before turning.

“Hey,” he said. “I was just checking my email. Hope you don’t mind.”

A sadness washed over her face as she slowly shook her head. “You’re never going to be honest with me, are you?”

“Toby, I—”

“Stop.” She threw up her hands, her breasts straining
under his shirt, the worn Rolling Stones t-shirt he had been wearing earlier. “Please, Augustus. Stop lying to me.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I’ve known since the beginning.”

He took a step toward her, not sure what she was saying. Was it that he simply couldn’t wrap his mind around it or had he really not understood? He would wonder that a lot over the next few weeks. But at that moment, he honestly did not know.

“What, Toby?” he asked, unable to hide the weariness from his voice.

“About you. About Jackie.” She gestured toward the computer. “I know you’re Jackie’s brother.”

“I’m a little slow sometimes, a little naive. But I’m not stupid.”

Augustus stepped back, the sound of his sister’s name on Toby’s lips like a bullet shot from a gun. He turned from her and gripped the counter, a dozen questions flying through his mind. “When?” he asked, needing to start at the beginning.

“When did I know?” She grunted, a soft sound. “The moment I saw you walking across Doug’s living room. Jackie described you to a T. Always said there was no mistaking you, and she was so right.”

“You knew who I was that first night?”

“Yes.”

“And you let me into your house?”

“I would have let you into my bed, too.”

He remembered the eagerness in her kiss, remembered the confusion in her eyes when he backed away. She would have, he knew she would. Why…why sat on the tip of his tongue and wanted to roll off. But there was something else niggling at the corners of his dazed mind.

“You called her Jackie.”

Toby inclined her head slightly. “I guess you didn’t get past the eighth session.”

“She told you her real name.”

“She wanted help. She knew the only way she could get real help was to reveal her true identity.”

“But the school
—”

“We didn’t talk about it on camera.”

Augustus shook his head. “You treated my sister illegally?”

“It was her idea. We met at a local coffee shop a couple times a week.”

He couldn’t stand still a moment longer. He needed action. He needed to think this out. He needed to know the truth. He began to pace, moving along the back wall away from Toby. She watched him, must have thought he looked like a tiger in a cage because she backed up, holding herself even tighter even though the position caused the shirt to ride up, to show the tops of those sexy thighs. She had no idea what she could do to him.

His mind was roiling, grabbing on to one thought, the
n another. She knew Jackie. She knew the truth. “You were with her before she died.”

“Augustus
—”

“You could have helped her. You could have stopped it.”

She shook her head. “Don’t you think I’ve thought about it over and over? There was nothing, no clue.”

“She was using.”

“No, not that night.”

“She died that night.”

“I know.” Toby took a step forward. She held up a hand as though reaching for him, but she was too far away. “She was sober for weeks. I had no idea that she might do something like that.”

Augustus balled up his fists. “Don’t say it like that. It wasn’t suicide.”

“Augustus—”

“Don’t!” He shoved a finger in her direction. “You don’t say my name.”

Her face, already so pale, went another shade white. Tears shimmered in her eyes. “I did everything I could. She was so broken…” A lump choked off the last of Toby’s words. All she could do was shake her head.

“Tell me what you said to her.”

She shook her head again. “What good would it do? It’ll only hurt you.”

“I need to know!” He stopped, facing her, really looking at her for the first time. He slammed his fist against his own chest. “I need to know. I need to know why.”

“But it won’t tell you why.”

“She’s dead.” Augustus stared up at the ceiling for a minute, realizing it was the first time he had really admitted it to himself, the first time he had said the words and really believed them. It cut so deep, deeper than he had thought he could be hurt. “I was supposed to protect her. It was my job to save her.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

He grunted. “You don’t know.”

“I know what that man did to her.”

The words fell between them, heavy and impenetrable. Augustus shook his head, his eyes falling to Toby. Even as hurt as he felt, even as angry and confused and betrayed as he felt, he couldn’t deny the relief that swelled through his chest. “She told you.”

“She needed to deal with it.”

He nodded. He had known that. Why else had he paid all those therapists all those years
? He knew why she turned to drugs. He knew why she lied and she stole and she lashed out when deep inside there was a happy little girl who was buried that cold winter day the fall he turned seventeen.

“I should have been there.”

“You couldn’t have known.”

Augustus laughed. “I knew. I saw the way they looked at her. All those men my mother marched in and out of our apartment. I tried to keep Jackie out of the way, but they still saw her, they still stared at her with the disgusting leer my mother thought was so amusing.”

He began to pace again. Silence fell between them. After a minute, he wondered if she had gone away, gotten tired of his emotional tirade. But she was still there, still hugging herself in his old t-shirt. Augustus grabbed at his control, pushed his emotions deep as he had learned to do so long ago.

“A science paper,” he said when he couldn’t stand the silence anymore. “He told me he had to have it done, that he needed help. But Jackie was sick and she was so clingy. I didn’t have time.”

“She told me you tried, but you fell asleep.”

He looked over at Toby. “She remembered that?”

Toby nodded.

Augustus nodded, rubbing his balled up fists against his hips. “Charlie got held after school to make it up. There were no buses running and I didn’t want to take Jackie out into the cold. Fontaine was already at the neighbors and the woman said she would be right over.”

“It wasn’t your fault. Even Jackie knew that.”

“She was five.”

She was lying on the floor, her nightgown torn, blood on her thighs. It was an image he would never forget. That was the one and only time he ever lost control. He didn’t even remember walking into his mother’s bedroom, didn’t remember yanking her out from under her latest john. But he remembered forcing her to look, forcing her to see what her addiction had done to her smallest child. And then he remembered the promise he made her.

It would never happen again. Never.

“I’ll kill you if I ever see you again.”

It was a threat he had never had to make good on. But he often wondered if he could have. That night, he thought he could. But later, when they were warm and safe in Angela’s apartment, he wasn’t so sure.

For Jackie…maybe.

But it was all too late. Jackie would never be the same again. And it was the memory of that night that pushed her into the drugs. It was that night, so long ago, that ended her life.