The Dark Side of Disney (2 page)

Because, and I want to make this clear, I LOVE WALT DISNEY WORLD! I know the parks like the back of my hand, and I could walk through them blindfolded, guided only by the lovely scents and sounds meticulously crafted by those brilliant Imagineers. There’s a comfort in being there, like returning home. Except that when I actually do go back to my childhood home, everything has changed. They tore down the forests I used to play in, paved over the pond I fished in, and repainted my house bright pink. Nothing is familiar, nothing is comforting. But for the most part Walt Disney World stays the same, always providing the sights, sounds, and smells that immediately bring me back to a more carefree time in life. And when it doesn’t stay the same, when the company fucks up, like when Horizons was torn down, at least I’m not the only one grieving; there are thousands of others across the world to commiserate with.

It should also be known that I’m a huge fan of Walt Disney himself, devouring any and all documentaries and biographies I can find about the man. I’m consistently finding inspiration in his life story, his determination against all odds, and his visionary, forward-thinking outlook not only on family entertainment, but on the human experience and the future of mankind. From viewing his final EPCOT film and reading his final interviews, it seems as if he was ready to completely redefine city living, in a real paradigm-shifting game-changing sort of way. I believe he could have done it, too, could have pulled it all together just as he’d achieved the impossible countless times before, and I feel for Roy Disney and Card Walker for having to pick up the pieces, desperately trying to make something out of them without their leader at the helm. It’s a shame that what we ended up with in Kissimmee is a Walt Disney World only half-finished, only half-perfect. But half of perfection is still pretty fucking awesome.

So, no, I don’t have some big grudge against Disney, and the purpose of this book is not to try to destroy the company or dissuade people from visiting their theme parks. Quite the opposite, in fact; I wrote this book hoping to provide a definitive answer the assholes who always ask, “You’re going there again?! Why do you keep going to that kiddie place?” and then shake their heads while they head back to Aspen or Vegas for the 80
^th
time for their “adult” vacations.

Honestly, I have to admit that I once thought this way, too. No matter how big of a fan-boy I was, by age 16 or so I was bored as hell with WDW, having already visited the (at that time) three parks over 100 times. So I started experimenting with “alternative activities” every time I got dragged back there, and began to gather some of the tips in this book. This really came to a head when I was in college, running the campus television station, and desperate for content to fill our 24/7 programming roster. I was going home for Spring Break, and had a brilliant idea: I’d go to WDW and film all of the crazy shit my friends and I had been doing there for years, and then broadcast it on the station as a multi-part documentary. And thus was born the first incarnation of THE DARK SIDE OF DISNEY, complete with a CGI Tinkerbell lookalike shoving her magic wand into some guy’s ass in the opening credits (meant as an homage to the Tinkerbell in the Disney Sunday Movies intro). I received no feedback, and to be honest, even though it was broadcast to every dorm on campus at least 200 times, I’m still not sure anyone watched the damn thing. I mean, what college kid in his right mind gives a shit about Walt Disney World? Most of them only cared about sex, drugs, and rock and roll… which I did, too, just as long as they took place at WDW. And I’m only half joking, unfortunately…. I didn’t get laid much in college!

Regardless, as much as I love Walt Disney World, if it weren’t for the tips in this book, I wouldn’t go back nearly as often as I do. There are only so many times you can ride Space Mountain before it starts getting boring, but riding it on ‘shrooms while getting a handjob is a totally different experience! So what we have here are at least 20 years of me pushing the limits just a little bit each time I returned to WDW, always trying to have a unique and exciting vacation. And now I’m releasing those tips to all of you, hoping you’ll give WDW another chance, and maybe recapture some of that wonder, and yes,
magic
, you had for the place when you were a kid. Because we’re all kids at heart, still desiring that same of thrill of newness that every day seemed to bring in those early years, but always knowing the comfort and safety of home lay just a few steps away. Well, Walt Disney World is home to everyone, young and old, and despite the thick skin we grow as we reach adulthood, I truly believe it’s still the best place around to recapture the thrill and wonder of youth. Add in sex, booze, and other such debauchery, and that makes for one hell of a fun vacation.

Chapter 1

Disney World, Done Dirt Cheap

Let’s face it, a vacation at Walt Disney World is almost prohibitively expensive. Between plane tickets, hotel rooms, park tickets, souvenirs, and food, expenses get out of hand quickly. A lot of people save up for years for a Disney vacation, and will still have to stay at the Value resorts (or ugh, off site), don’t get Park Hoppers, and have to eat only at the quick-service restaurants. Souvenirs? Forget it. How often have you heard a parent at Mouse Gears yelling at their crying kid, “I’m not paying $30 for some stupid mouse ears!”

Let it be known that this author is certainly not rolling in the dough. Quite the opposite, in fact. But when I do WDW, I like to do it in style, and since I go at least once a year, that means I have to find ways to save a butt-ton of cash. So over the years I’ve devised numerous ways to cut costs, and to be honest, some of them are distasteful and will not appeal to the general populace. But if you want to do WDW on the ULTRA-CHEAP, read on!

GETTING THERE

Driving is For Suckers:

There’s no way around this one; you have to get to the parks somehow. I absolutely do not recommend driving if you’re more than 4 hours away. You’re basically wasting two days of your vacation in the car, and that is not a magical way to spend the beginning and the end of your vacation. Plus, with gas prices what they are now, it’s simply not economical.

My co-worker Matt told me what is probably the penultimate Disney road trip horror story. “We planned to drive down in our minivan from Baltimore,” he starts. “It’s an 18 hour drive, and my wife and I were just going to do it straight through. So we woke up at 4AM, shoved the kids, 12 and 8, into the minivan and were off.

“Everything was fine until we stopped at
South of the Border
in South Carolina. We went there for gas and the kids ran into the store whooping and hollering like they thought this was Disney. I’m yelling at my wife to get them back in the car, so she runs in after them. Then I stand there like an idiot for 10 minutes after I finish pumping the gas and they never come back out! So I have to go into that shithole and literally pull them out of the place. I fucking hate that tourist trap!

“Anyway, I finally get them of there after spending way too much money on cheap trinkets, and we’re a few miles away when it starts pouring down rain. Like, that crazy rain where you can’t see a foot in front of your car.

“At this point my 8 year old son decides it’s the perfect time to start shooting off a bunch of party poppers he pocketed at
South of the Border
. You know, those little things where you pull the string and they explode and a bunch of shit comes flying out? Well he rips through what seems like five or six of them in about two seconds and is laughing like a maniac. My 12 year old daughter starts yelling, “My eyes are burned!” so my wife freaks out and is screaming at me to pull over, and I don’t know what the fuck is going on so I’m in the middle lane swerving around and freaking out. I end up swiping a car in the right lane while I’m desperately trying to get over to the median. That car skids out, gets hit by another car, which gets hit by another car, and so on.

“We finally stop in the median and I look back and see almost a dozen cars stacked up on I95. There’s fire, there’s a lady stumbling out of her car with blood pouring out of her face, and the fucking rain has turned to hail and there are bloody people getting pelted and just falling on the ground screaming.

“It was the most horrendous thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life. The 12 year old is still in therapy because of it. We never did get to Disney. That was easily the worst vacation I’ve ever been on, and probably the worst experience of my life.”

Moral of the story: take a plane!

Southwest Is Best:

The airline of choice for getting to WDW is Southwest Airlines. At the time of this writing, Southwest is merging with AirTran. What this means to WDW vacationers is probably that you’re going to get cheaper flights from a wider variety of locations. Every year I compare the costs of Southwest’s flights vs. AirTran (and Delta, American, and all the others) and Southwest always comes out ahead. Don’t forget to factor in baggage fees when you’re doing such a comparison.

Southwest is great because they don’t charge said baggage fees, their fares are published far in advance, and their schedules stay consistent (as opposed to AirTran, who changes their flight schedules so often that it seems like there must be a crazy monkey throwing darts at a scheduling dartboard every month). And they’ve recently become a part of the Disney Magical Express program, which means that a) you don’t need to rent a car because Disney will bus you to your resort from MCO (i.e., they’ll take you hostage for the length of your stay) and b) your luggage will be delivered to your room when you arrive and will be taken to the airport for you when you depart. I’ve only had good experiences with Southwest and with the DME program.

Disney’s Magical Express luggage tag

For better or for worse, this is one of those occasions where it pays to plan ahead. Southwest publishes their fares by grades, and the cheapest of these grades are the “Wanna Get Away” fares. Unfortunately, these go quickly and once they’re sold out you’re left with the non-cheap “Anytime” and “Business Select” options. Southwest generally publishes their flights 180 days in advance, so it would behoove you to check them on the day that your fares are published and lock in the lowest rate.

“But what if the rates go lower?” you ask. Well, inquisitive reader, another great thing about Southwest is that they’ll allow you to cancel your reservations at any time and get a credit. Which means that if you find a cheaper fare between when you booked your flight and the day of your vacation, you simply call them up, cancel the old flight, and purchase the new one. You don’t get any cash back, but you will have credit in your account which you can use the next time you go to WDW (which, if you’re reading this book will probably be pretty soon).

Another perk about booking Southwest is that they often offer discount codes, especially for flights to Florida. So even if you’ve already booked your flights, if you get a code in your email you can cancel your current reservation and rebook with the code. This author recently saved $25 each way with such a code! That was a big discount, and one which simply cannot be beat by any other airline out there. If you weren’t offered a code via email, you can often get one by begging in threads on the “Budget Board” on disboards.com, or by buying one on eBay for pennies on the dollar.

Driving Drunk on The Disney Magical Express:

The Disney Magical Express bus, aka The Disney Drunk Taxi

Personally, I think the best part about flying Southwest is the drink tickets. Yes, that’s right, DRINK TICKETS! You hand the stewardess this little piece of paper, and in return they give you an alcoholic beverage. Cash be damned! “Wait a minute,” you say, “I don’t have these drink tickets. I’ve never been offered these drink tickets. How do I acquire these mythical drink tickets?!” It’s true, us mere mortals cannot get drink tickets on our own. They’re only given out to people who fly a lot. In other words, people who have a lot of money or work for a company that has a lot of money and can fly them around everywhere, allowing them to rack up frequent flyer miles and boatloads of free drinks.

But despair not, faithful reader, there is a way for us plebeians to get the free drinkage: eBay! Go to ebay.com, type in Southwest drink tickets, and behold the splendor of the free market. You see, some people are teetotalers, which means they don’t drink, which blows my mind. But it works out great for us lushes, because these snooty non-drinkers (like the girl sitting next to you on the plane who orders a Bloody Mary mix WITH NO VODKA) sell their SW drink tickets on eBay for dirt cheap! You can essentially buy $100 worth of drinks for $20, meaning you’re getting an ice-cold Heineken or gin and tonic for a buck. I can think of no better way to start a vacation than getting loaded on discounted airline booze, knowing that you don’t have to drive anywhere because Disney is going to pick you up from the airport in their nice air-conditioned bus.