The Dark Side of Disney (9 page)

I recently heard of an actual food theft: A large table at California Grill ordered all of the most expensive stuff off the menu, including many bottles of wine. One of the big draws of the California Grill is the amazing view of the fireworks at The Magic Kingdom, but not every table is situated alongside a window. So usually when the fireworks start going off, a bunch of people who are sitting in the middle of the restaurant go out to the deck (right above my secret sex location) to watch the show. Well, this large group of big eaters and drinkers filed out to the deck with everyone else but instead of watching the fireworks they went down the steps to the 14
^th
floor and presumably took the elevator to the first floor and drove off! I feel bad for the poor waiter who had to explain that to his manager, and assume that if this keeps happening they will eventually put in safeguards to prevent it.

There are also a few methods of getting free desserts by outright lying. For example, when you check into your resort tell them it’s your anniversary or birthday or bah mitzvah or some other sort of celebration (be sure if you say it’s your anniversary that you and your significant other get your story straight, because you’ll have about a thousand CMs congratulating you and asking how many years it’s been). You’ll be given a button to wear that says what you’re celebrating. You must wear this at all times! At almost every table service restaurant you’ll get a free dessert to celebrate whatever occasion you lied about! We got an incredible gelato at Il Mulino, a sundae at Sci-Fi Dine In, chocolate cake at both Coral Reef and Brown Derby, and champagne at California Grill. By wearing this button you might also get other perks such as Fastpasses, room upgrades, comp’d drinks at bars,
etc.

Free “anniversary” dessert from Il Mulino

Dan, an acquaintance of mine (i.e., not someone I’d be proud to call a friend) routinely pulls another scam almost every time he dines at WDW. He’s a fairly distinguished-looking guy, mid-40s with graying temples, and always wearing a sports coat. But inside lurks the biggest cheapskate I’ve ever met.

“Okay, Dan, explain the scam,” I say, pronouncing his name the same way I’d say “disgusting piece of shit”.

“It’s pretty simple, although it only works once at any particular restaurant” says Dan, his eyes twinkling with glee. “Luckily there are almost two hundred restaurants in Walt Disney World, and I’m not even a quarter of the way through them yet!

“Everyone knows there’s a huge bug problem in Florida, especially with roaches and ants. So before I go out to eat I’ll catch some fire ants from my backyard and put them in a vial. It’s important that the ants are alive, so make sure you use a vial with a tight cap so they don’t escape. I use a cool little spy gizmo that looks just like a pen but has a secret airtight compartment in the back, presumably to hide drugs.

“Anyway, I’ll order a really nice meal with wine and whatnot, and then will order some sort of darkish dessert, like chocolate cake or brownies, and ask for the check. Once the waiter leaves I’ll pretend I’m signing the check with the pen but will actually dump the ants all over the dessert. Then I’ll quietly motion the waiter over and very calmly show him the ants. The reason it’s important that it’s a dark dessert is because any decent waiter is going to notice ants on ice cream or something as he’s bringing it to your table, but not so much on a sticky dark cake-type of dessert.

“Usually the waiter is so appreciative that I’m not freaking out and causing a scene that he immediately suggests comp’ing my whole meal. Other times I’ll have to raise my voice loud enough to get some of the other patrons to turn their heads, but yeah, that’s as far as I’ve ever had to go with it. Never had to talk to a manager or anything like that.

“With bigger groups, when I know the bill is going to be pretty expensive, I’ll put a roach in a contact lens case with a little water so it doesn’t dry out. Then I’ll order a drink and when I’m almost completely done with the drink I’ll pretend I’m having problems with my contacts and dump the roach in. Then I pull the same trick with the waiter. Usually I try to not even let the other people at the table know what’s going on. The roach trick also works well in salads and pastas, but in that case you really have to give up at least half of your meal for it to work, because nobody is going to believe you ate your whole meal and found a roach at the very bottom, whereas that’s exactly what would happen with a drink.”

“That’s pretty fucked up, Dan,” I say, not able to hide my contempt.

“Sure it is, but I’ve probably saved thousands in meals over the years, and I can eat wherever I want and order whatever I want without worrying about being able to afford it.” He smiles. “From my perspective, you’re the one who’s fucked up for paying crazy Disney prices for your meals.”

“I can’t argue with you there,” I sigh.

“Let’s go to Narcoossee’s,” yells Dan, pulling out his spy pen. “My treat!”

Here are some more cheap food options:

Bring food from home. Since Southwest lets each passenger check two bags, why not stuff one with non-perishable snacks like boxes of Cheese-Its, candy, and cookies? I’d also highly recommend bringing your own coffee, too, since there are only a handful of places in WDW to get decent java (the French Press at Jiko comes to mind). If you have a coffee maker in your room, the little airtight single-serving bags work great, and the new Starbucks VIA instant mixes are nice if you don’t have a coffee maker or like drinking it on the go all day long.

Get carry-out delivered to your room. If you were at home and you wanted pizza, what would you do? You’d call out for delivery! Well, there are plenty of places that will deliver to the resorts. Obviously WDW doesn’t advertise this because they’d much rather you order their outrageously overpriced room service, but if you ask at the front desk they will give you a stack of menus from “authorized” restaurants. This can save you a ton of cash!

My favorite food delivery at WDW is by far Giordano’s Pizza. Up until recently there was no place to get decent pizza at WDW (Via Napoli somewhat changed this), so I was forced to seek out local delivery places to get my fix. Turns out that I hit a home run with this place, because not only do they deliver right to your resort, but they make an amazingly tasty and authentic Chicago-Style pie. The Large size weighs as much as a stack of bricks and can literally feed a family of 4 for at least three nights. Plus, if you do a Google search you can find a coupon for a free order of their delicious Tomato Basil Cheese Bread. Yum! The only annoying thing about Giordano’s is that the two local locations (Kissimmee and Lake Buena Vista) seem to randomly decide which one of them is responsible for delivering to WDW Resorts. You might get the runaround at first but with a little coaxing either one will deliver. Even with a decent tip for the driver this is a helluva deal for the amount of food you get.

As of this writing Restaurant.com offers discounted gift certificates for Garden Grove, Kimonos, Todd English’s bluezoo, Il Mulino, and Shula’s in the Swan/Dolphin resorts, and House of Blues at Downtown Disney. At various times throughout the year Restaurant.com will offer discount codes that let you get a $25 gift certificate for $1! There are some restrictions, like sometimes you have to spend over $35, or sometimes you have to get two entrees, but as a whole these are amazing deals and you can literally cut the cost of your meals in half just by using this website!

Grocery Delivery and Fridge Swaps Gone Wrong:

Here’s the biggest money-saving tip of all: Order groceries and have them delivered to your room! There are currently two companies that perform this service: Wegoshop (
http://www.wegoshop.com
) and Garden Grocer (
http://www.gardengrocer.com
). While I’ve heard good things about both I tend to use Wegoshop because they’ll clip and use coupons without being asked and will also pick out whatever brand of any given item is cheapest, whereas at Garden Grocer you have to choose specific items from their list at a set (inflated) price. We usually order breakfast foods like bagels and cream cheese, as well as a ton of mozzarella sticks, single-serving bags of chips and vegetables, and bottled water for bringing to the parks. Yes, you are allowed to bring food into the parks in soft-sided coolers, and that’s good because spending $3 for a bottle of water is insane, and the water from the fountains tastes like it was filtered through a dirty diaper. I always freeze the bottles of water the night before which makes them act as ice packs to keep the cooler cold, and also gives you ice-cold water throughout the day which is a huge relief during the scorching summers.

But the best thing about grocery delivery is that they will deliver booze! This alone usually makes up ¾ of my bill from Wegoshop, because I absolutely love coming back to the room at night and relaxing on the balcony with a few cold beers. And then I come inside and lie on the bed and watch Stacey running through all of the parks, being perkily annoying (her last name is Aswad!) yet somehow hot (especially in a bikini and pigtails during the Typhoon Lagoon section), and I’ll have a few more beers. And then I’ll sit in the Jacuzzi and drink some more beer. And then I’ll go to sleep, but not before having another beer. I’m on vacation, dammit! As you can imagine, if I bought this much beer from WDW I’d be out of cash the first day of the trip, so the grocery delivery places are a godsend. I also know people who buy margarita mix and bottles of tequila from Wegoshop, mix the margaritas in their room, poor it all into a large thermos, and bring it to the pool for a relaxing day of poolside drunkenness.