The Dark Side of Disney (12 page)

Any 4 of these balconies are prime sex spots

The hallway from California Grill to the balconies

The top right balcony – note the incredible view of MK

The balcony below, looking over to the opposite side

In the Parks:

By definition, if you’re having sex in one of the parks you’re having sex in public, which is illegal and if you’re caught will likely get you thrown out and possibly arrested. Also be aware that the majority of the rides in the World are almost 100% monitored by cameras. Now, while that will excite the hardcore exhibitionists out there, some of you might not appreciate the fact that a pimply-faced cast member and all of his friends will be using a video copy of your escapades as spank material. Finally, there are kids everywhere! Be discrete, and don’t traumatize some poor child for life because you decided it would be fun to hump Goofy’s leg. Not cool!

With those caveats out of the way, sex in the parks is a unique experience that you simply can’t replicate anywhere else. How many places can you orgasm while staring at a fairly accurate replica of Johnny Depp or Abraham Lincoln (who, believe it or not, is actually the subject of an entire subset of fetishists)?

So without further adieu, here are the best places in the parks to get your move on (sometimes quite literally!), in order of safest to you-must-love-jail craziest.

1. Companion restrooms. Essentially these are meant for parents to go into with their too-young-for-adult-restroom kids, but they’re also a perfect place to go with your partner. Yes, I know, “ick!” But the restrooms at Disney are notoriously clean, especially these ones, since not many people go into them. Plus, there’s a lock on the door and no cameras, assuring that you won’t get caught. The best of these seem to be at Epcot, although they can be found at any of the parks.

Might as well say “Sex Room”

The very clean and spacious Companion Restroom in Mexico

2. Carousel of Progress. At certain times of the year this quaint animatronic show is virtually empty, and there are no cameras in the theater. Sit in the back and go for third base in a dark, air-conditioned theater as the robots lull the rest of the audience to sleep.

Completely empty theater during a showing of Carousel of Progress

A while back a fellow Dark-sider told me how he actually walked up the ramp with a date, opened the door, and found the whole ride empty. “We went up to the theater but nobody was there to let us in. We saw that one of the doors on the far left side was cracked, so we walked in and it was empty and dark. Not sure if it was down for repairs, or what. The stage was locked on the “modern” scene, the curtain was up, and the whole family was there, looking like they were taking a nap (the dog looked dead, to be honest). So we went up onstage and did it right behind dad in the kitchen, knowing that he could wake up at any time! It was like being back in high school, trying to sneak one past our parents or something. Pretty exciting!”

3. FutureWorld East at Night. Universe of Energy closes way earlier than any of the other rides in FutureWorld (because it’s a 40 minute show), and for most of the year The Wonders of Life Pavilion isn’t even open (and when it is open it’s totally dead at night). After dark during the shorter days of the year this area is nearly abandoned, and between these two pavilions there is a large section of welcoming foliage you can venture back into and recreate your own XXX version of the opening scenes from the now defunct “Making of Me”.

Without the flash, this Future World East location is dark and secluded at night

4. Tom Sawyer’s Island. There are a ton of dark, secluded spots here, especially in Injun Joe’s Cave (The Mining Cave has NO secluded spots!). But be forewarned that kids are swarming in the busy months as their parents let them run wild to burn off excess energy. So your chances of getting caught rise exponentially as the crowd levels increase. Best to go here towards the end of the day.

Entrance to Injun Joe’s Cave