The Dark Side of Disney (14 page)

As has been shown in numerous studies over the years, many other countries have much more liberal attitudes towards sex than the US does, so odds are that you have a better chance of a one-night stand with these cast members. Specifically, Scandanavian countries rank high on the promiscuity scale (and are also very friendly towards LGBT lifestyles), so it would behoove you to head on over to World Showcase and start hitting on the cast members at Norway!

Hot Norway Cast Members!

For more information on cast member debauchery, I’d recommend
Mouse Tales
by David Koenig,
Cast Member Confidential
by Chris Mitchell, and Kevin Yee’s
MouseTrap
.

Locals:

Unfortunately, one of the best spots to pickup locals is now shuttered. Pleasure Island was a strip of highly themed bars and dance clubs in the Downtown Disney area. The great thing about them is that you could easily pickup the type of person you were interested in by nature of the club that they frequented. If you wanted a good ole country boy or girl to line dance with, you went to the Wildhorse Saloon. If you wanted an 80s rock star with enough hairspray to punch a hole in the ozone layer you went to Rock N Roll Beach Club. BET Soundstage for the urban crowd, and 8Trax for the MILFs. Or the much celebrated Adventurers Club for the true Disney-aholics. These clubs were quite the experience, and definitely lent themselves to heavy drinking and random hookups, which is assumably why Disney shut them down. Major bummer!

As of the time of this writing, the closest thing to Pleasure Island is Universal’s CityWalk. Of course, the issue here is that if you’re staying onsite you either need to drive there (and thus probably drive home drunk, which is dumb), or take a cab, which is going to cost you a pretty penny. The fact that Disney has given up on such a major demographic and allowed their competition to take the reigns seems like a major blunder, but such criticism is moot at this point, and all we can do is hope that they eventually come to their senses.

So what we have left for nightlife at WDW are the Atlantic Dance Club and Jellyrolls, both located at The Boardwalk. I have never seen anybody in the Atlantic Dance Club. The place seems perpetually dead, even with no cover charge. Which, on a good night might actually work to your advantage since there would be less competition from other potential suitors. But it’s hard to have fun in a dead club, because you just know that other people are having a better time than you are somewhere else. And Jellyrolls is great fun, but from experience it’s not exactly a haven for singles.

At 9PM on Friday, Atlantic Dance Hall is completely empty

However, there is a ray of light at the end of the tunnel! Thanks to the Annual Pass, many locals come to Epcot’s World Showcase on the weekends looking for a good time, much as you would at a local pub. This is especially prevalent during the Food and Wine Festival, where Epcot is literally overrun by locals getting their drink on. On the weekends it can get seriously sloppy here, and there are definitely some non-kid-friendly activities at hand. But again, think of this like a really huge bar, except with monster themeing (and much more expensive drinks), and it becomes pretty apparent that this is a good time and place to work your pickup artist magic.

Crowded World Showcase during Food & Wine Festival

Organized Singles Meet-Ups:

It turns out that there are hundreds, if not thousands of singles who LOVE all things Disney and go on solo trips to the Orlando parks on a fairly regular basis. The problem is that they’re scattered across the globe and as of this writing there are no “Singles Days” at WDW like there are “Gay Days”. But thanks to the magic of Al Gore’s Interwebs it is super easy to schedule meet-ups online, not only at the parks, but in your own city!

The prime location for finding out about these meet-ups is on the venerable Disboards.com, in their “Disney for Adults/Singles” subforum. This is a wonderland outlet for those who want to schedule hookups, as not only are there threads organized by month for when singles will be visiting The World, but there is also what amounts to a Personals thread where people post their stats, specs, and pictures. Peruse through this board and you’re bound to find someone who matches your type. Shoot them a PM and chat a bit offline, and then simply schedule a meeting place during your trip!

The great thing about WDW is that it’s one of the safest places on earth for meeting strangers, and as previously mentioned there are a lot of great spots that are natural aphrodisiacs. While nobody is guaranteeing that you’re going to find your perfect mate, the sounds, smells, and excitement of the parks are definitely conducive to getting people in the mood for lovemaking.

There are also meet-ups centralized to other geographic regions, with the most activity in the Baltimore/DC area. Now, far be it from this author to lecture anyone on the ways of love, but these meetings are obviously geared more towards people looking for a life-partner, not random hookups. So don’t be surprised if you go into these events looking for a quick roll in the hay and are scorned and shot down like you just entered Westworld on the day when the computers malfunctioned. Because, let’s be honest here, eating crabs in Baltimore is a far cry from sipping Grand Mariner slushies in France at the World Showcase, and while your lesser traits might be overlooked in the glittering lights of Illuminations, that comb-over isn’t going to seem quite so charming as you stare down at the trash floating in the Inner Harbor.

Alternative Lifestyle Activities:

No, not Gay Days. Gay Days is no longer “alternative”. It’s just a happier, more brightly colored crowd than normal. No, if you’re looking for something really wacky to do with your body on a WDW vacation, you’re not going to find it in the parks. So rent a car, or better yet find a hot CM to drive you, and head on over to these two offsite wonderlands.

Cypress Cove Nudist Resort and Spa

http://www.cypresscoveresort.com

Did you ever notice that a lot of the Disney characters don’t wear clothes, or even weirder, only wear tops? That’s because Walt Disney was a strong proponent of nudism* (*this is blatantly false). So why not celebrate his achievements at a “clothing optional” nude beach where you can either be a creepy voyeur and gawk at saggy naked people while fully clothed, or join in the fun and gawk at saggy naked people while they also gawk at your sagginess. Yes, there is a bar, so go ahead and get liquored up and let it all hang out, just like Pluto!

Cypress Cove is about a 35 minute drive from WDW property. To get there, take Hwy 192 East to Poinciana Boulevard. Turn right and follow south for thirteen miles to Pleasant Hill Road. Turn left and go one-quarter mile to their gate, on the right.

The best part is that as of this writing, if you’ve never been to Cypress Cove before there’s a coupon on their website that’ll get you a tour of the place and all day admission for free! Couples-only, though – they don’t let single guys in the door unless you can prove you’ve had a bunch of prior nudist-camp experience, which means having an expensive membership somewhere, which means you’re at least a rich pervert.

Hint 1: Their gym is your best chance of seeing actual hot nude people, because let’s face it, they’re at least trying to maintain appearances. Just saying….

Hint 2: Bring a towel to sit on. Nobody wants to sit down on a hot barstool and get their bare ass soaked with your bare ass’s sweat drippings. Or maybe they do, but if that’s the case they’re going to have to go somewhere else and pay a lot more money, because Cypress Grove isn’t for fucking perverts! Except voyeurs. And exhibitionists. And maybe pedophiles. But, you know, other than that, no perverts allowed!

Orlando Love Loft

http://www.orlandoloveloft.com

Whereas, perverts of all sorts are more than welcome at The Orlando Love Loft! But mostly swingers. Which is pretty hot, so I’ve decided it’s not perverted. Even if there’s candlewax on the nipples involved, it’s still hot, and thus not perverted. Fuck you Middle America, I’m making my own rules!

From their stock response e-mail (i.e., a real person wouldn’t respond to my requests for an interview):

[email protected]
Thank you for your E-mail. Feel free to call us toll free at 1-866-738-3950.
On Friday and Saturdays emails may not get answered in time; due to attending to our guests, so please call to be sure your questions get answered.
LADIES ARE ALWAYS FREE
What is the dress code? CASUAL
Do we have to become a member? NO
Is there any additional charge at the door?

COUPLE: $40
SINGLE MALE: $60
SINGLE FEMALE: FREE
Do you bring your own drinks? BYOB - Bring your own alcoholic beverages - Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite and bottled water & munchies provided.
PARTY STARTS AT 8 PM TILL 2 AM
LOCATION: 8310 Happy Trails Rd, Kissimmee, FL 34747
Directions: I-4 to Exit 60 (SR 429 North) then Exit #1 (Sinclair) .25 cent toll. Turn left onto Sinclair, go over the bridge. Then Right on Happy Trails Then 1 mile to the address of 8310 Happy Trails kissimmee, Fl 34747 on the left. Drive in gate to parking area and enter the left of the house.

I don’t know why, but when I think about this place, I always picture Jay from Kevin Smith’s movies standing in the living room yelling, “I’m gonna fuck that bitch, and that bitch, and that one, too! Snoogins!” Not sure why I think the clientele there would act like that, but since the owners wouldn’t fucking get back to me for an interview, I’ve decided to make gross generalizations based on my out-of-control imagination.

The Last Resort: (no, not the long-awaited Art of Animation Resort):

Ugh, it’s come to this. After days of staring at Snow White, Cinderella, and/or Captain Jack, you are very, very, very horny. You’ve had no luck with disboards.com, Atlantic Dance Hall has been a predictable bust, and the language barrier with the Norway cast members was insurmountable. So you’ve decided to hire an escort.

For what it’s worth, the escorts in the Orlando area are more attractive than average, and also charge much less than average, around $100 per hour as of this writing. This might be the only time on your WDW vacation where you’re actually getting a bargain! And for a little extra, you might even be able to get them to dress up in that Prince Charming or Cinderella getup (or that Robin Hood furry costume if that’s your thing) that you packed for just this very occasion.

It goes without saying, but you should do your research here. You don’t want to be on the wrong end of this sort of business deal. Having the cops bust in on you at The Grand Floridian would be oh so gauche, and the height of bad manners. So it’s highly recommended that you visit
http://www.theeroticreview.com
for reviews and pictures of the local escorts. Note that many of them only do incalls, so you’ll need a taxi or rental car. Some do outcalls, but they cost more, although I would argue that it’s worth the cost since you’ve already paid for the comforts of a WDW resort. And seriously, doing it in a crappy apartment or Super-8 would totally kill the magic.