The Dark Side of Disney (23 page)

The Utilidor entrance in Tomorrowland

“Awesome,” sighed McGeorge.

“I just about shit my pants when that security guard came by,” said Newmeyer.

“She didn’t care! Nobody cared!” I laughed.

We spent the rest of the day down in The Utilidors, going up every stairway, finding every entrance into the park above. Each time upon turning to see where we’d exited, we were greeted with a nondescript doorway, leading from the ultra-clean faux reality of The Magic Kingdom into a dirty, dingy, ill-kept hallway leading to a stairway. The transition was always jarring.

Random CM not caring we’re down there

We found the employee bank, the costume rental window, multiple break rooms, and a cafeteria. The best find of the day was a doorway that led to an alcove under the seating in The Hall of Presidents, and it was almost like being under the bleachers in a stadium. We amused ourselves for a while listening for the audience to filter in and then beating on the underside of the seats during the show, laughing as people screamed about the ghosts of dead presidents.

Hall of Presidents Utilidor entrance

Eventually the day drew to a close. Exhausted from endless trips up and down two flights of stairs, we stumbled down Main Street, and drove back to our hotel. We spent the evening dangling our feet over the third floor walkway outside of our room, drinking beer, smoking hand-rolled cigarettes, and excitedly going over the details of the day.

Walt Disney World had become fun again.

In the years since I’ve continued to visit The Utilidors, never once encountering any sort of resistance. In fact, even post 9/11, I’m still shocked by how lax security is down there. Some highlights:

Went back down with McGeorge and videotaped the entire walk from Frontierland to Tomorrowland with the videocamera held by my side. It was shaky, but produced some great shots, including a Chip/Dale head poking out of a dumpster and a semi-costumed Cinderella making out with (and getting felt up by) a random CM against a wall. Broadcast this video on the student TV station at my prestigious Ivy League university at least 200 times, and never received any feedback. Apparently I was the only Disney Geek at school.

As a summer camp counselor I brought down two separate groups of 15 teenagers as part of a fake “tour group”. Acted like a tour guide, walking backwards the whole time and pointing out specific landmarks to the gawking kids.

On a recent trip with my mom, who is admittedly not a risk-taker, I got fed up by the blockades setup for the daily parade. We had Fast-Passes and needed to get from Frontierland to Fantasyland to ride Peter Pan. So I dragged her, my wife, and my little brother down the Hall of Presidents entrance, through The Utilidors, and back up to the castle door. I think it was probably the most “dangerous” thing she’d done in 30 years, and she’s still telling her friends how cool it was. When she asked how I knew how to get down there, I told her the story above and her response was, “Well, at least you weren’t into drugs and sex like everyone else your age.” Sigh.

Google Earth has made finding the Utilidor entrances from the comfort of your own home fun and safe. It’s like a scavenger hunt! For example, load up Google Earth and type in coordinates Lat 28°25'10.69"N, Long 81°34'53.32"W, with an eye altitude of 30m (go to the Ground-Level view of around 100ft). You’ll see a lovely 3D rendering of our first and most beloved Utilidor entrance, WITH THE FUCKING DOOR OPENED!!!

BACKSTAGE AT EPCOT

While there is no complex Utilidor system at Epcot (just a very small set of rooms under Spaceship Earth) there is an extensive backstage area that circles the entire park, along with some very interesting sights to be seen. If you want to see some of them legitimately you can take the “UnDISCOVERed Future World” tour, which, for fans of the park who probably already know most trivia, is 75% fluff, 25% cool stuff. However, it’s just as easy to get backstage yourself and walk around!

Probably the easiest access is from The Land. There are two ways to get backstage from this pavilion: you can either go out the large set of doors on the bottom floor to the left of Soarin’, just past the bathrooms. If you sit there waiting for your significant other to finish taking a massive dump chances are you’ll see at least a few CMs exiting through these doors. The other way to get backstage from The Land is to hang a sharp right immediately after getting off of Soarin’, instead of walking down the exit hallway with everyone else. There’s a single door that leads outside.

Path from Soarin to Omnimover maintenance area and back out to Imagination

Both of these exits will place you in the back of The Land, and you can travel east to get behind the Imagination Pavilion. On the tour they show you an area in the back of Imagination, across from the Canada Pavilion, where the 3D glasses are washed. But of more interest (and what is not elaborated on in the tour) is that next to this glass-washing station is the repair area for the Omnimovers used in the ride. If you’ve ever wanted to see up close the underside of an Omnimover you can duck underneath the raised track and take a gander. Spare parts and repair tools line the walls, and you can even walk back to the left to see where the track splits off from the main ride, designed so the disabled cars can be moved off the main ride track without having to pick them up with a crane or forklift.

Once you’re done browsing this area you can exit back into Future World through a door that leads to the rear of Imagination, near the almost always empty restrooms on the right side of the pavilion.

Another relatively easy access point is via the Mission: Space queue. Apparently when they built this ride they expected a much larger crowd, because there is a huge abandoned stretch of queue on the side of the pavilion. The easiest way to get to it is to go up the ramp on the right side. This leads to a winding area, and just before the line snakes into the building there is an exit to the right that leads to a loading dock. Take the steps down and you’ll find a dirt path that actually runs under the Test Track exterior track, and from there to a series of parking lots and roads that wind around the entire park. If you head south you’ll find the Costuming and general CM building on your left. It’s worth looking at, as there’s no ID required to enter. Continue south past China and around the docks where they store the Illuminations globe, and you’ll find yourself behind the “Africa” area, which was once supposed to house a Pavilion (and might still yet, if Disney execs ever get their asses in gear and throw some more cash at Epcot). The land is cleared, but there’s nothing there except a dumping ground for old props and Food and Wine Festival booths. What’s dumped back there seems to rotate (and rot) but right now the boneyard features various ride structures and is the rumored burying ground of some of the 20K Leagues subs!