The Dark Side of Disney (20 page)

“In the meantime we were moved to a bed bug-free 1-bedroom suite at Saratoga Springs, which was beautiful, and our entire stay was comp’d! Our clothes and luggage came back the next day, and only one of my sweaters was destroyed (it shrunk up, I guess from being washed in boiling water), which they also paid me for. All in all it wasn’t the best experience, but Jerry and the rest of the staff really went out of their way to make sure our vacation wasn’t ruined. I have no complaints about the whole thing, and would still stay at Port Orleans, except next time I’d check the bed before I slept in it!”

Personally, this doesn’t sound so bad to me. Yolanda and her kids got free Disney clothes (i.e., free souvenirs!) and a free hotel stay. I’d be tempted to actually seek out a bed bug or two, let them bite me in a controlled environment, kill them, bring them to the front desk in a plastic baggie, tell them I found the bugs in my room, and then reap the rewards. A few bug bites for a cheap vacation?! Sign me up!

TIP: If you’re really paranoid and are interested in exactly which rooms at which resorts have recently had bed bug infestations, visit
http://bedbugregistry.com/hotel/FL/Orlando/Walt-Disney-World-Resort
for up-to-date first-hand reports.

However, it should be stated that Central Florida is home to a literal swarm of wildlife much more dangerous than bedbugs, most of which can be found on WDW property. For example:

Alligators. Where there’s water in Florida, there are alligators. They’re in Bay Lake, they’re on the golf courses, they’ve even been known to roam around resorts and one was even found in Splash Mountain! No shit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiPSIgUx2Ls
. They can move surprisingly fast, and can easily take a limb off in one bite, but to be honest they’re usually just sitting around in the sun acting all fat and lazy. When Disney gets a report of an alligator on property they “relocate” it somewhere else (no idea what this actually means), but keep your eyes peeled on the waterways and you’re pretty much guaranteed to see at least one gator on your vacation.

This alligator WILL EAT YOUR FACE!

Water Moccasins and other Snakes. Again, if you’re near swampland in Florida, there are going to be snakes, and more than likely some of those will be water moccasins (also known as cottonmouths). These are thick brown snakes whose bites are quite poisonous. Furthermore, they’re fairly aggressive buggers and unlike most wildlife will stand their ground or even approach intruders. While their bite won’t kill a healthy adult, it will destroy a limb, and could certainly kill a child. There are a ton of other snakes in Florida that are perfectly harmless (and even cute at times) but if you can’t tell the difference between a corn snake and a water moccasin then it’s best just to run screaming from any slithering reptiles you encounter.

If you see a snake in this pose, RUN THE FUCK AWAY!

And just to further stoke the paranoia of those with snake phobias, snakes have been found INSIDE on-site hotel rooms! If you are deathly afraid of snakes, you absolutely should request NOT to have a ground floor room! They can get in under the sliding glass doors on ground level rooms and have been known to hide in the drapes or even in the beds. Again, I am not shitting you, there’s a 33-page thread with pictures at Disboards:
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2116495

Fire Ants. These aren’t like ants in other parts of the US that just walk around and eat your food and annoy you. No, these giant red fuckers with huge venom sacks in their asses will get in your shoes, under your pants, in your underwear, in your hair, in your fucking ears and bite the fuck out of all of your most sensitive parts, leaving monstrous burning welts in their path. Enough of these bites can kill and infant or old person. These asshole ants are bad news! They build massive anthills in the dirt, so if you see a big cone-looking dirt pile, DON’T KICK IT OVER unless you want swarms of stinging red ants everywhere! Of course, as a kid, it was great fun to do just this and watch the ants go apeshit, or even better, to pour gas all over the anthill and light it on fire. These ants will show you no mercy, and they deserve none in return!

The bites of fire ants are among the most painful of any insect

Cockroaches. Living in Tampa for the first 18 years of my life, I assumed that cockroaches all over the US looked like the ones in Florida. Turns out, no, the ones in Florida are monster-sized versions of the tiny little things they have all over the rest of the country, so it’s always entertaining when a non-native first sees one of these massively disgusting bugs and freaks out.

I promise, they have been walking in your food

Orlando roaches are huge, most clocking in a 2” long or more, they fly, they make weird noises, and they are literally everywhere that food can be found. Yes, you will see them scurry across the floor at Disney restaurants, and yes, you might find them in your resort room. The worst thing is that if you see one, there are probably dozens more hidden away, just waiting for the lights to go down so they can swarm. In the worst infestations, you can go into a kitchen, turn on the light, and the countertop will be pure black, completely covered with roaches, who will then scatter into the walls in a matter of seconds. They carry diseases, they’re hard to kill, and when you step on them green goo spills out. There is not much to love about cockroaches, as opposed to….

Love Bugs. These black and orange flying bugs are literally a bunch of little fuckers. Twice a year for about a month they swarm over Florida, covering every brightly colored surface, getting clogged in radiators and smashed on windshields, and landing on your hair, in your eyes, in your mouth,
etc.
Which would be gross enough except that what first appears to be one long bug is actually two bugs joined together at the crotch, fucking until death! Have fun explaining that one to your kids!