The Dark Side of Disney (11 page)

A Mai Tai from the Tambu Lounge at The Polynesian

The final stop is Mizner’s Lounge at The Grand Floridian. Wind down with one of their fine ports while listening to the big band or lobby pianist. This place looks a little stuffy, but don’t let that stop you; there’s a great view of the GF gardens, and most importantly (and rare for WDW) FREE MOTHERFUCKING NUTS! As long as you’re ordering their overpriced drinks don’t be shy about requesting more and more nuts!

Unfortunately, Mizner’s, along with the rest of the WDW bars, closes at 12AM. So if you’re still in a party mood at that time you’re going to have to go elsewhere. Fuckers.

Free Boat Rides:

For some reason, even though I’m not a big fan of going boating in the ocean, I absolutely love riding around in the boats at WDW. And luckily, most of those boat rides are free, and very scenic. Two in particular are pretty outstanding. First is the Sassagoula River Cruise from Port Orleans to Downtown Disney. It’s nice and long (2.5 miles – about 25 minutes), goes past a lot of woods (and the new Treehouse Villas), isn’t choppy at all, and there aren’t a ton of stops to break the calm (just one at French Quarter).

The second is the ride from The Magic Kingdom to The Wilderness Lodge. It’s a little choppier since it’s on a lake and not a canal, but during this ten minute ride you get to see up-close a lot of Bay Lake that you’d never get to see otherwise unless you rented some sort of watercraft. The big plus of this boat ride is that you get dropped off at a very quaint and rustic dock with a lovely walking trail to the backside of The Wilderness Lodge, which is fun to explore in and of itself (especially the geyser and hot springs).

Pool Hopping:

Why bother paying $50 to get into Typhoon Lagoon when there are bunch of resorts full of kick-ass pools, lazy rivers, and water slides available for free? Each of the resorts has multiple pool areas, and each has one “themed” pool. It’s not really fair to say that the Deluxe resorts have more interesting or better themed pools than the Moderates or Values, because they’re all pretty cool. However, Stormalong Bay, the water area at The Yacht and Beach Club, definitely takes the cake with its sandy bottom, lazy river, and a slide that goes through the broken mast of a shipwrecked boat.

The lazy river at Stormalong Bay

The shipwreck slide at Stormalong Bay

Of course, “pool hopping”, as it’s known, is not technically allowed by Disney. You’re only allowed to do this if you’re a DVC member. However, the only place where they actively check your room key to see if you’re staying at the resort is Stormalong Bay. And to be honest, there are so many entrances to Stormalong Bay that it’s easy to bypass this “security”. For example, the simplest way to completely get around Stormalong Bay’s key-checkers is to start your visit with a ride on the slide! Yep, just climb the stairs to the slide, go down the slide, and BAM, you’re in like Flynn. They do give you a wristband to wear, but just tell them it was pulling on your arm hair so you took it off. Alternately, you can buy a pack of multicolored Tyvek armbands at Party City, look to see what color they’re giving out that day, and slap one on!

Path from the Epcot area to the shipwreck slide, down into Stormalong Bay

I’ve never had anyone check for a room key at any of the other pools, although technically it’s possible, I suppose. But if you tell them that you’re there for a meal and decided to swim beforehand, I seriously doubt they’re going to kick you out, because they want your money!

Probably the best area to pool hop if you don’t have a car, aside from the Stormalong Bay/Boardwalk combo (creepy clown slide at The Boardwalk!) is the Monorail Resort loop, where you have quick access to at least one awesome pool (the volcano @ The Polynesian) and two pretty decent although less exciting pools at The Contemporary and The Grand Floridian, all within minutes of each other via the monorail Resort loop. Get bored at one, and just hop on the monorail and go to another one!

However, if you have a rental car and don’t mind using it, you could easily spend two days visiting all of the resort pools (and their associated waterside bars!) and having a helluva time going down all of the different slides, sitting in the hot tubs, and just generally enjoying life!

Chapter 2

Sex, Drugs, and Rock N’ Roll

When you think of Walt Disney World, the first things that come to mind probably aren’t sex, drugs and rock and roll. In fact, Disney has gone to great lengths to remove any traces of the party lifestyle from the parks, be it by shutting down Pleasure Island, dress code restrictions for cast members (including limitations on makeup and jewelry), a ban of alcohol sales in The Magic Kingdom, and just generally catering towards G/PG kid-oriented entertainment. But if you know where to look, you just might find, you’ll get what you need….

SEX

Given that sex is one of those basic human needs, like food, shelter, and beer, if you’re an adult vacationing at WDW, chances are at some point you’re either going to have sex with your partner, or if you’re single, you’ll be looking for someone to hook up with. And we’re not talking about romance here; numerous books have already covered Disney romance in depth. No, we’re talking about good old-fashioned bumping and grinding in The Happiest Place on Earth.

So what carnal opportunities does Disney offer to those of us who see Snow White or Prince Charming (or for the Furries out there, Miriam from Robin Hood) as carnal objects of lust?

First, let’s focus on those who go to the land with a partner. Assuming you’re not too worn down by a day of commando park touring, there are plenty of wonderful places in and around the parks for some seriously awesome shagging.

At the Resorts:

This is a given, especially if you have a 1 or 2 bedroom at one of the DVC properties (hot tub!). The beds are super comfortable (you did check for bedbugs, right?) and while the walls are a bit thin and you might get some complaints if you’re knocking boots all hours of the night, the privacy factor is definitely a plus for the more conservative folks out there. Of course, you can still be a little daring in your room, since the deluxe resorts all have lovely balconies, perfect for a semi-public snog. Blowjob while watching the Illuminations fireworks? Multitasking at its finest! But come on, you can have sex in a hotel room anywhere in the world. You’re in Disney, live a little!

Elsewhere at the resort hotels:

Most of the deluxe resorts have plenty of secluded spots, from the beaches of The Grand Floridian and the Yacht and Beach Club to wooded alcoves at The Wilderness Lodge and Treehouse Villas, but The Polynesian takes the cake. With tropical plants, waterfalls, and a cool breeze coming off of Bay Lake, the Polynesian might be the biggest man-made aphrodisiac ever created. There are literally dozens of beautiful secluded spots here, be it on the beach or in the midst of some greenery. If this place can’t get your blood pumping you’re probably dead. This author has brought numerous dates there, and sitting on a swing at the beach, watching the fireworks and the Electric Light Parade has always managed to seal the deal.

Great place to watch the Wishes fireworks… while having sex

Prime Polynesian spot for nighttime sex

Another popular spot for public fornication at the resorts seems to be the hot tubs at the pools. Personally, this seems a bit disgusting, not so much for you, but for the poor person who gets in there after you’ve finished your business. Show some respect for your fellow vacationers, people!

Just… no. Don’t have sex here.

Finally, a secret spot. Don’t tell anybody. If you’ve ever been lucky enough to eat at the California Grill on the 15
^th
floor of The Contemporary, you probably know that you can see the fireworks at The Magic Kingdom perfectly from the windows. But did you know that there’s another, more private viewing area on that same floor? Follow the corridor to the right of the elevator down to a set of doors. The doors open to a huge outside balcony that nobody visits except to watch the fireworks at MK. Sex as the monorail glides under your feet is quite the experience. Tip: if there are people on that level, you can simply take the outside stairway to the next balcony down, which offers the same view and is actually even more secluded.