The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction (30 page)
Read The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction Online
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
BOOK: The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction
13.2Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
Earwax is on the wane.
Endemic malaria and the advent of dairy farming have associated mutations that show how environments mold our genes, but the rationale for some mutations is still baffling. Hop over to Asia where we find rapidly spreading genes that suppress body odor and earwax! Less sweat could conceivably offer a slight benefit in cold climates, but no scientist yet has claimed to understand what survival advantage
less earwax
might confer.
less earwax
might confer.
Our scientists are searching for human mutations big and small, from those involving the onset of speech to those that might impact Q-tip sales. From a genetic vantage point, we are finding that the human race resembles a diverse cluster of weird mutants. But one new evolutionary trend is shared between populations in Asia, Europe, Africa, Australia, Anerica, and every country where anthropologists have been able to take calipers: The human skull is shrinking, even as our bodies grow.
WENDY’S SEXY NEIGHBOR NOTION
If an advantageous mutation occurs, the neighborhood around that mutation is selected for too. So something really great like
X-Ray vision
or the ability to
smell flowers
can be linked to something meaningless, like green eyes.
We can track some beneficial mutations just by looking at associated visible traits.
Imagine that green eyes were linked to a wildly successful mutation allowing the immune system to defeat cancer
13
. How many generations would it take before we notice that the healthiest people are green-eyed? How long before they are sought as wives and husbands for their longer life spans? If eye color becomes a
marker
for improved health, how long before the marker itself is considered sexy?
X-Ray vision
or the ability to
smell flowers
can be linked to something meaningless, like green eyes.
We can track some beneficial mutations just by looking at associated visible traits.
Imagine that green eyes were linked to a wildly successful mutation allowing the immune system to defeat cancer
13
. How many generations would it take before we notice that the healthiest people are green-eyed? How long before they are sought as wives and husbands for their longer life spans? If eye color becomes a
marker
for improved health, how long before the marker itself is considered sexy?
Whether our intelligence is also shrinking is a question for debate. When it comes to our cerebral cortex, size isn’t everything—Albert Einstein and Anatole France, the infamous French novelist, were both pea-brained geniuses. But even if our wits are waning, in a world where you can outsource many of your mental tasks to a computer, and where the onslaught of modern media rewards those with the attention span of a gnat, the downsizing of our intellect could be a huge plus. Big brains are expensive to make and maintain, and if Mother Nature can get by with less—she will.
We could be evolving rapidly toward idiocracy.
REFERENCES:
I. J. Deary et al., “Skull size and intelligence, and King Robert Bruce’s IQ,”
Intelligence
35 (2007), 519-525.
Intelligence
35 (2007), 519-525.
J. Hawks et al., “Recent acceleration of human adaptive evolution.”
Proc Nat Acad Sci
104 (December 2007)
http://tinyurl.com/rapid-evolution
.
Proc Nat Acad Sci
104 (December 2007)
http://tinyurl.com/rapid-evolution
.
John Hawks, “Rapid evolution: Can mutations explain historical events?”
New Horizons in Science
(2009).
New Horizons in Science
(2009).
Arthur Keith, “The brain of Anatole France,”
The British Medical Journal
2 (349) (1927), 1048-1049.
The British Medical Journal
2 (349) (1927), 1048-1049.
CHAPTER 2
RANDOM ACTS OF RIDICULOUSNESS
“Remember, they do it to themselves . . .”
Introducing a smorgasbord of creative demises: Slide down a mountainside, zip across a glacier, paint your face, ride the storm, be a ninja, hide in a locker, get “up close and personal” with a tennis machine! Darwin himself never could have dreamed up such inventive ways of skimming debris from the gene pool.
Sparkleberry Lane • Sky Surfers • Sky Rider • A Shoe-In Winner • Race to the Bottooommm • Glacier Erasure • Locker Room Humor • Ninja Wannabe • Birch Slapped • Tennis Blow • An Un-Fun Whirlwind • Medieval Mayhem
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring criminals and spray paint!
This could be a breakthrough in crime prevention . . .
31 JULY 2009, SOUTH CAROLINA | Two disguised men entered a Sprint store on Sparkleberry Lane, pulled out guns, and stole wallets, purses, and credit cards from employees before ordering them into a bathroom. Both men fled, but they could not flee from their own stupidity. Twenty-three-year-old James T. had disguised himself by painting his face gold.
Yes, in order to conceal his identity during the robbery, James had covered his skin with metallic spray paint. If this isn’t a Darwin Award, what is? Paints are clearly labeled: DO NOT GET ON SKIN, DO NOT GET IN EYES, DO NOT INHALE. Paint fumes are well-known to be toxic, and the metallic colors are particularly noxious. James began having trouble breathing (surprise!) and died wheezing shortly after the robbery took place.
To add insult to injury, the disguise was ineffective. Witnesses were certain as to the identity of their assailant. Had he lived, James, like his surviving accomplice, would have been charged with armed robbery.
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring kites, weather, and machismo!
OCTOBER 2007, IBIZA, SPAIN | Storm winds swept across southern Spain, causing widespread flooding and damage to buildings along the Costa Blanca.
Tasty waves
, thought one intrepid kite surfer as he packed his gear and hit the beach.
Tasty waves
, thought one intrepid kite surfer as he packed his gear and hit the beach.
Move over, Charlie Brown. Today’s large kites are not triangles held by a string, helpless fodder for kite-eating trees. Modern kites are controlled by multiple lines with surface areas that create so much lift that it can be difficult to keep your feet planted on the ground—even during normal wind conditions. These were not normal conditions. Heavy rainstorms, flooding, and landslides had caused the government to declare a state of emergency and close the beaches.
Good times,
thought the forty-year-old Spanish surfer as he unfurled his kite, climbed onto his board, and embarked on the ride of a lifetime. The high winds picked him up and ultimately carried him almost a kilometer inland, tagging him against buildings along the way.
thought the forty-year-old Spanish surfer as he unfurled his kite, climbed onto his board, and embarked on the ride of a lifetime. The high winds picked him up and ultimately carried him almost a kilometer inland, tagging him against buildings along the way.
One more nominee joins the queue to meet Charles Darwin . . . in person.
Confirmed by Darwin
18 AUGUST 2008, FLORIDA | A news crew was filming a storm when they captured footage of a twenty-six-year-old man kite boarding on the winds of Tropical Storm Fay. Harnessed to his sail, he was picked up by the wind and playfully slammed into the beach. His harness was equipped with emergency releases, but the wind whirled him around so fast that he had no time to jettison the kite. The wind continued its pranks, dragging him along the sand, picking him up again, and bashing him into a building.
A witness said, “It was a miracle that he just flew over the street and didn’t get hit by a car” during his aerial adventure. The man’s family described him an experienced kite boarder; one might even consider him over-experienced! The happy-go-lucky surfer survived to play another day.
Other books
The Hidden City by David Eddings
Unspoken by Dee Henderson
El Instante Aleph by Greg Egan
Mojave by Johnny D. Boggs
Prescription: Makeover by Jessica Andersen
How to Create the Perfect Wife by Wendy Moore
How to Plan a Wedding for a Royal Spy by Vanessa Kelly
Beet by Roger Rosenblatt
Finding Her Son by Perini, Robin
Sweet Vidalia Brand by Maggie Shayne