The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction (34 page)
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Authors: Wendy Northcutt
BOOK: The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction
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Reader Comments
“Don’t get carried away.”
“Chairway to Heaven.”
“Shows the danger of relying on GPS.”
“See what happens when you swear off women?”
“There but for the grace of . . .”
“One-way ticket to paradise.”
“To heaven—or bust!”
“There but for the grace of Tecumseh . . .”
“God’s will be done!”
SCIENCE SOAPBOX: REST STOPS ARE NECESSARY AND GOOD
Father Adelir Antonio gave his life for a worthy cause: To halt the closure of roadside rest stops, which are urgently needed in areas with long stretches of freeway that lack commercial services. Rest stops provide a much-needed break for weary drivers, and are especially needed by truckers who transport food and merchandise across the country. They cost little to maintain and increase public safety. The closure of rest stops in Brazil was blasted by the media as unnecessary, harmful, and bad policy. Father Adelir gave his life for a laudable goal. He is a brave and shining example of the good done by Catholic clergy.
BALLOON HOAX
On October 15, 2009, the distraught parents of a six-year-old reported that their child was possibly adrift aboard a huge, homemade helium balloon that they had launched from their lawn. The silver, flying saucer-shaped dirigible was tracked by National Guard helicopters and local police as it drifted across Colorado for sixty miles. Planes were rerouted around the object’s flight path and Denver International Airport was briefly shut down. The balloon finally landed after a two-hour flight—but the child was not on board.
Fearing that the youth had fallen from the balloon, authorities began a comprehensive manhunt of the entire area beneath its flight path. Worldwide media followed the spectacle, which culminated hours later with the anticlimactic discovery that the child had been hiding at home the entire time!
Suspicions soon arose that the incident was a hoax and publicity stunt, particularly following a family interview by Wolf Blitzer on
Larry King Live.
The youngster, when asked the reason for hiding, turned to Dad and blurted out, “You guys said that, um, we did this for the show.” The family had twice been featured in a reality TV show, and may have been eager for a third run.
Larry King Live.
The youngster, when asked the reason for hiding, turned to Dad and blurted out, “You guys said that, um, we did this for the show.” The family had twice been featured in a reality TV show, and may have been eager for a third run.
Two months later, Dad pleaded guilty to “attempting to influence a public servant” and was sentenced to ninety days in jail and fined $36,000; Mom was sentenced to twenty weekend days in jail.
Reference: Condensed from
Wikipedia.org
Wikipedia.org
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring macho gunmen
10 DECEMBER 2009, PHILIPPINES | This small island nation has already produced several of the most illustrious Darwin Award winners. In 1999, National Bureau of Investigation agents snuffed their candles when they sneaked a smoke in a room full of seized explosives. In 2000, an airplane hijacker robbed passengers then bailed out with an untested homemade parachute. Talk about drop-dead funny! Now the Philippines have produced that rare oddity, the Double Darwin Award.
We begin with Francisco C. and Ronaldo C., two businessmen who own restaurants adjacent to each other on Apacible Boulevard in Batangas. One has partially blocked the door to the other’s establishment, and this does not sit well. Tempers erupt. Heated words are exchanged; a fistfight breaks out! But bystanders pacify the fighters, and the situation is defused.
Or is it? Each man retreats to his respective car, pulls out a gun, and shoots the other—killing both combatants. Francisco, forty-one, suffered two bullet wounds to his chest; Ronaldo, thirty-nine, was shot once beneath his arm. Francisco and Ronaldo: Two enemies brought together in death—much to their own chagrin.
Reference:
abs-cbnnews.com
abs-cbnnews.com
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring criminals, explosions, and a double Darwin!
26 SEPTEMBER 2009, BELGIUM | The city of Dinant is the backdrop for this rare Double Darwin Award. Two bank robbers attempting to make a sizeable withdrawal from an ATM died when they
overestimated
the quantity of dynamite needed for the explosion. The blast demolished the ATM, and the entire building the bank was housed in. Nobody else was in the building at the time of the attack.
overestimated
the quantity of dynamite needed for the explosion. The blast demolished the ATM, and the entire building the bank was housed in. Nobody else was in the building at the time of the attack.
Robber #1 was rushed to the hospital with severe skull trauma; he died shortly after arrival. Investigators initially believed that his accomplice had managed a getaway, but the second bungler’s body was excavated from the debris twelve hours later.
Two bank robbers
overestimated
the quantity of dynamite needed to crack the ATM.
overestimated
the quantity of dynamite needed to crack the ATM.
Would-be Robbers 1 and 2 weren’t exactly impoverished—their getaway car was a BMW.
Reader Comments
“Dynamite: not for everything.”
“Less is certainly more.”
“They certainly thought BIG.”
“A debit card would have been safer.”
“They really blew it . . .”
WEIRD SCIENCE: DARWINTUNES
An Evolutionary Idea in Music.
Using an “evolutionary algorithm” and the ears of the general public, DarwinTunes has been evolving a four-bar loop that began as a primordial auditory soup. After two-hundred-plus generations, the musical track is sounding pretty good. Project leaders recently upped the maximum genome size, and they seek your help.
The DarwinTunes Experiment Needs You!
Evolve the Music.
Unconfirmed
Featuring airplanes, alcohol, and a double Darwin!
1996, CANADA | Sleeping residents of Chilliwack were awakened early one morning by the sound of a small aircraft flying lower than usual. The engine sounded like a mosquito, zooming too close too quick, then veering away. What the bleep was going on?
During a bout of heavy drinking that lasted into the wee hours of the morning, two future Darwin Award winners had realized that although neither one had a pilot’s license nor flight training, they nevertheless knew all they needed to know to pilot an aircraft. Furthermore, one of the gentlemen worked at the small local airport and had access to the tarmac.
They drew the obvious conclusion and decided to take a plane for a drunken joyride over the city. They invited two females along for the ride; fortunately the level-headed ladies declined.
From idea to execution, the plan evolved quickly. The airport employee unlocked locked gates; once on the tarmac, the two then managed to break into a small plane, taxi to the runway, and get it off the ground and into the sky. They buzzed around in the dark, skimming above the roofs of the houses, and no doubt exchanging a few gleeful high-fives. This random aerial activity went on for an extended period of time.
Eventually their bladders began to complain, but they no longer remembered how to find the airport . Disoriented, they attempted to land on the grassy median between east- and westbound lanes of the Trans-Canada Highway and
almost
made it under the electrical wires that cross the median.
almost
made it under the electrical wires that cross the median.
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