The Death Class: A True Story About Life (33 page)

7. What misconception about death do you encounter most often? If you could change one thing in the way the people think about dying, what would it be?

That’s easy. The biggest misconception is that death is scary. People are afraid of death; they are afraid of the death process; they’re afraid of anything to do with death. And I think through the field trips—like going to the funeral home and getting inside a casket if you want to, going on a cemetery scavenger hunt, going to a hospice and looking into the eyes of people who have six months or less to live—the death process gets demystified. We also watch a whole autopsy, and you can get really close to the body if you want to and actually peer into the organs and all the bodily systems. We think we’re invincible, and this helps people understand that we’re fragile. A violent death is pretty terrifying, but a natural death, like what most of us will have, will be very peaceful. People avoid death. They might have a grandparent who’s dying, and they’re afraid to go to the hospital so they miss out on saying goodbye. They are afraid to talk to a dying person, and they’re afraid when someone gets killed—they don’t want to know anything about it. You carry these missed opportunities with you the rest of your life. Some people even avoid funerals, but these are important ceremonies to finish saying good-bye to someone.

8. Since you’ve been teaching Death in Perspective, how has your own thinking on death and dying evolved? What have you learned from your students?

I don’t think it’s changed the way I think about death and dying, but I have learned that no matter how old you are, you can face obstacles with grace and beauty and courage. I’ve learned that no matter how bad things get for people, that there’s a lot of resilience. I have seen my students struggle with things that are unthinkable. I’ll give you an example. Two semesters ago, I had a student whose father picked her up from work three years ago and told her to go upstairs because he and her mom were going to have a discussion in the kitchen. This poor girl and her boyfriend were having a fight so she was happy to stay upstairs to text him. All of a sudden, she heard a gunshot. She ran downstairs in time to see her mother fall to the ground and her dad take the gun to his own head right in front of her. Within two minutes, that girl was an orphan, an only child. Yet, now she’s a biotechnology major, which is one of the hardest majors at our school; she’s doing research right now in Costa Rica with a professor, and she’s going to graduate. So even with the most unthinkable things in your history there is a way to put one foot in front of the other. It’s really unbelievable to watch.

9. How do you keep up the emotional energy it must take to be such a mentor figure to so many students, year after year, class after class?

I don’t know because today I’m pretty exhausted! It’s a challenge sometimes. If I feel like a student is having an issue that’s going to need some intensive work, I always refer them to the counseling center at our school. I always make sure that they have a referral if they need one. But I have to tell you, watching the students come out of bad situations or grow and evolve gives me energy. I get invited to weddings and baby showers. I get to write all the graduate school recommendation letters and see people go on to graduate school or work in their field. It’s so encouraging to see people go on with their lives and do really well. It’s just amazing.

10. Erikson’s concept of generativity is such a powerful idea—when and how did you first encounter it? How would you characterize the influence it has had on your life?

I first encountered it when I was in college studying nursing. I’ve used it as a theoretical model for the work that we do in class. Part of Erikson’s model is that we grow and change throughout our lifetime. We can blow past mistakes, pick up our lives, and move on. I’ve even seen that in the work I’ve done in the prisons. No matter what the situation, you can pick up the pieces and go on. And “generativity,” specifically, is about giving back to the next generation. So it’s about being productive; it’s about imparting wisdom; it’s about doing good deeds; it’s about a kind of karma almost and I think that’s really what life’s about—finding meaning in adversity and then doing something about your problems.

I believe that life starts with trust and ends with integrity and generativity. I feel like I’m firmly in that stage in life. I’m a mother of two wonderful daughters and I feel like I have a million children at the school. I feel like I’m giving back all the time and imparting wisdom that I know. I know that what I’ve told students about death really helps them. It has gotten me to think of the stages of life and the different milestones that we’re supposed to be able to accomplish at different times in our life. If we haven’t done those things, like learn how to trust, learn how to be independent, learn how to play, learn how to give back, you know, we’re not going to have a good death. We’re going to have a lot of unfinished business. So every time I teach that model, it kind of reminds me of where I’m at in my own life and where I’m going to need to be in order to have a death that’s going to be peaceful and gentle and easier. I don’t want to be holding on to a lot of stuff at the end of my life. I want to be surrounded by loved ones. In order to do that, you need to foster all of those relationships all the way through your lifespan.

11. How has your Be The Change organization been going recently? What project is your team working on next?

Erika was around for the Isaiah Teen Homeless Shelter project. We completely redid a teen homeless shelter in a very urban, dangerous area in East Orange, New Jersey. Since that time, we have mentored the girls in that program, and now I have twelve homeless students here at Kean University from that program. We continue to do work all over the country. We’ve been to Joplin, we’ve been to Tuscaloosa, Alabama; we helped the fisherman in Mississippi after the BP oil spill; we’ve done Katrina relief; and then most recently, right here in Newark, which isn’t far from our campus, we’ve been doing garden projects where we take abandoned lots and turn them into beautiful gardens for the community. We made an outdoor classroom for one neighborhood because they had two schools nearby, and we made a playground for another community because it is very dangerous and there’s no place for kids to play. Anytime something happens, the students are on it. Like the Oklahoma tornado, where we partnered up with the Covenant House to send $20,000 in gift cards to victims in Oklahoma. Now with the fires that happened in Prescott, Arizona, we’re collecting stuff for them.

12. Do you have anything new on the horizon personally? Any new projects, classes, or goals?

I’m writing a book right now that will be a compilation of student work. It’s going to be a workbook for the death class. People can buy it and do their own death class. People will get to read what some of the students have written, and I’m also going to have sections with assignments so that readers can do the assignments themselves. I’m still teaching constantly, and Be The Change is turning into a nonprofit so I’m training people on running the organization.

13. Is there anything else you would like to add?

You know, when Erika first called me, I wasn’t really interested in talking to a journalist. I basically told her that she needed to send me something that she had written before I would meet with her. She sent me the Virginia Tech article that she had written, and I knew right away that she was the right person to write an article about the class. It was because of the way she wrote that article—she didn’t approach it from the point of the view of the shooter like everyone else did. She literally walked us through room 211 in Norris Hall, where most of the carnage happened, and she described, in such detail, each person who was in that classroom. And she is such an incredibly talented writer, and I feel very grateful that she decided to take on this project. I think she’s done a beautiful job with the class and my students and me.

1
. Conversation adapted from an interview conducted by Cleo Tobbi.

STAGE
:
Infancy

CRISIS/CONFLICT
:
Trust vs. mistrust

FAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Faith in the environment and future, “an actual sense of the reality of ‘good’ powers, outside and within oneself.”

UNFAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Suspicion, fear of the future, trouble finding a reason to live in world that is full of disappointment and discontent.

RESOLUTION OR VIRTUE
:
Hope

CULMINATION OF FAVORABLE OUTCOME IN OLD AGE
:
Appreciation of interdependence, a sense that life, humanity, and the world are not so bad.

STAGE
:
Early childhood

CRISIS/CONFLICT
:
Autonomy vs. shame and doubt

FAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
A sense of control, independence, adequacy and self-worth.

UNFAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Feelings of shame and self-doubt.
I am not good enough. Nothing I have to say is important. No one will ever love me.
A wish for invisibility.

RESOLUTION OR VIRTUE
:
Will

CULMINATION OF FAVORABLE OUTCOME IN OLD AGE
:
Acceptance of one’s own life cycle, from birth to death.

STAGE
:
Play age

CRISIS/CONFLICT
:
Initiative vs. guilt

FAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Ability to initiate one’s own activities, develop a sense of purpose.

UNFAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
A sense of guilt or inadequacy.

RESOLUTION OR VIRTUE
:
Purpose

CULMINATION OF FAVORABLE OUTCOME IN OLD AGE
:
Humor; compassion; resilience

STAGE
:
School age

CRISIS/CONFLICT
:
Industry vs. inferiority

FAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Ability to learn how things work, to understand and organize.

UNFAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
A sense of inferiority. A wish for invisibility.

RESOLUTION OR VIRTUE
:
Competence

CULMINATION OF FAVORABLE OUTCOME IN OLD AGE
:
Humility and an acceptance of life with its ups and downs, joys and disappointments.

STAGE
:
Adolescence

CRISIS/CONFLICT
:
Identity vs. role confusion

FAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Seeing oneself as a unique person, with a strong sense of identity.

UNFAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Inability to form one’s own identity, confusion over who one really is, weak sense of self.

RESOLUTION OR VIRTUE
:
Fidelity

CULMINATION OF FAVORABLE OUTCOME IN OLD AGE
:
Integration, and understanding of life’s varieties and complexities.

STAGE
:
Early adulthood

CRISIS/CONFLICT
:
Intimacy vs. isolation

FAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Ability to make commitments to others, to love others by loving one’s self first.

UNFAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Inability to form true relationships. Loneliness and isolation.

RESOLUTION OR VIRTUE
:
Love

CULMINATION OF FAVORABLE OUTCOME IN OLD AGE
:
Understanding human relationships, intimacy, and an appreciation of real love.

STAGE
:
Adulthood

CRISIS/CONFLICT
:
Generativity vs. stagnation

FAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Concern for family and society, working to leaving something behind for the next generation, whether money, wisdom, creativity, or genes. Committing oneself to a cause, to people, or to a larger universal purpose.

UNFAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Self-centeredness, narcissism, shallow involvement in the world.

RESOLUTION OR VIRTUE
:
Care

CULMINATION OF FAVORABLE OUTCOME IN OLD AGE
:
Empathy and concern

STAGE
:
Old age to death

CRISIS/CONFLICT
:
Integrity vs. despair

FAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
A sense of fulfillment, a willingness to face death with integrity and courage, an overall acceptance of one’s life cycle and the people who have become significant to it.

UNFAVORABLE OUTCOME
:
Overall dissatisfaction with life. Feelings of regret and despair. Denial of death.

RESOLUTION OR VIRTUE
:
Wisdom

CULMINATION OF FAVORABLE OUTCOME IN OLD AGE
:
Strength of self that is able to withstand physical disintegration.

Appendix sources are the writings of Erik Erikson and Norma Bowe’s lectures.