The Devil’s Guide To Hollywood (70 page)

That Doesn’t Work

Usually uttered by producers and studio execs, it means “I don’t like it.”

What does Mike Medavoy know?

D
irector Bob Rafelson went to studio head Mike Medavoy’s office to tell him that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be perfect in
Stay Hungry
.

Medavoy said to Bob, “I’ve known you were crazy for years and now I’m sure of it. This guy has an Austrian accent and he doesn’t look anything like a traditional movie star. Get out of my office.”

Your Script Is Too Soft

By this, they mean it’s too arty, too lyrical, not dramatic enough, lacking enough violence for a box-office hit.

Studio execs are very busy people, too
.

L
ouis B. Mayer and his executives spent weeks trying to figure out how many times the MGM lion should roar on-screen at the beginning of a film. They finally settled on two loud growls followed by a yip.

Tweaking Your Script

If a director, producer, or studio exec tells you that your script is “terrific” but needs “a little tweaking” it means you are about to be paid off and another writer will soon come in and rewrite everything you’ve written.

In short, it means they hate your script.

You’re a jackass in a hailstorm
.

J
ack Valenti did give screenwriters some good advice.

Jack: “I do get frustrated; in fact, I do get depressed from time to time. But I’ve learned something. If I just hunker down, as LBJ used to say, like a jackass in a hailstorm and wait till the storm passes, it’s going to be all right. If I look down on a day or two, I know on the third day I’m gonna start rising again.”

A Round Conversation

One that is going nowhere.

Give studios you’ve been in business with before a first chance to read a brand-new script
.

J
ust make sure the brand-new script doesn’t have too many coffee stains on it.

They have to pay you, but they don’t have to thank you
.

C
olumbia studio boss Harry Cohn: “The word gratitude is not part of the Hollywood dictionary.”

ALL HAIL

Harlan Ellison

When screenwriter/novelist Ellison felt that a studio executive had lied to him, he messengered the man a dead gopher.

Bullet Points

What studio execs call their most important notes on a screenplay. Screenwriters say they’re called “bullet points” because these are the points that will kill the script.