The Do's and Don'ts of Entering a Relationship (4 page)

2.
Don’t make assumptions
– Now that I’ve got the texting habit thing off my chest, we can go a little more into certain aspects of texting that can actually cause arguments. When I say “don’t make assumptions” I’m talking about when you get a text from your next partner and you don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.
If this happens to you just reply with something like “I don’t know what you mean? Let’s talk later” or “l8er” if that’s how you text. This way you can just wait until you’re face to face and find out what they meant, it’s not always easy to explain things over text. If you start to try and work out what they meant you could find yourself walking down a very windy path. You’ll start to wonder if they are in a mood with you, or if they were texting someone else and accidentally sent it to you. It’s just not worth it, find out later face to face.

3. Don’t overdo the flirting
– text flirting is great and it can really brighten up your partner’s day. Sending a random text that’s a bit saucy, or paying them a cheesy compliment on the odd occasion can really spice things up. But leave it at that. If you’re constantly texting flirty and romantic messages, things are going to get a bit boring and fast. If you’re going about your day to day business and every message you’re receiving from your partner is either saucy or romantic, you’re going to feel a little embarrassed and it’s going to get uncomfortable. So just keep it to a minimum and use it to your advantage. If you’re staying in together that night or going out for a romantic meal, send a text during the day saying how much you’re looking forward to it and then leave it at that. It’s a great way to get the excitement bubbling in your partner, let alone remind them in case they forgot!

4. Don’t overdo the banter
– banter over text is great, and you can really have some fun with it. You might find that with your old friends you can have some serious banter going over text and it’s nothing but hilarious. Well in relationships this can be a little bit different, especially new relationships. If you’re still getting to know each other then you’re not always going to know how to take the things that you say to each other. When you’re face to face, you can get away with saying something a bit playful and teasing your partner because they can tell from your body language, and usually the big grin on your face that you’re joking. Well, say goodbye to all that over texting. All you’ve got to work with are words, so press carefully with that thumb. You want to keep it as light as you possibly can, and not too frequent. If you keep it as un-personal as you can then it’s clearly a joke and you lower the risk of them thinking you are being serious. There’s nothing worse than thinking you’ve just sent a hilarious text to find out it just made your partner cry. So be careful.

5. Don’t text if you’re angry
– This goes back to the part of the book that mentions not saying things in the heat of the moment. Well, when you’re texting you have no excuse. Face to face in the heat of the moment it’s easy to let your emotions get the better of you and for you to say things that you don’t really mean. Well when you’re texting, you’ve got the option to just not press send. It’s that simple. Text arguments are a big no no and they are so very easily avoided. If there’s something the two of you need to talk about then you are going to have to wait until you’re face to face or at least on a phone call. Leave the arguments for better forms of communication. You’ll only regret it when you’re arguing and trying to text really quickly to get your point across, then you make stupid mistakes and it seems like you said something that you didn’t actually mean and now you have to start explaining that before you can explain what caused the argument in the first place……get my point?
It can be very hard to just leave something for later when you care so much about it, but in the long run it’s the best thing for your relationship and that’s what you should really care about
.

6. Don’t tell them any bad news
– if you’ve got bad news then just wait until you can tell them properly .Sending a text to someone with bad news is like holding a mouse just out of a cats reach so it can’t quite get hold of it. You’re just going to make your partner worry for the whole day until they can find out the details and that’s just not fair. This includes if the bad news is that you want to break up with them. It should go without saying, don’t break up over text.

7. Do text random nice messages
– Life can get very busy, and sometimes you’re not going to have time to send a long message or have a text chat. So sending a quick message could make a big difference to their day. Even if it’s simply asking them how their day is, or telling them you hope they’re having a good day. This kind of little thing goes a long way in relationships and if it’s not done too often it will be sure to make your partner feel great. So when you’re on your busy days and you can’t spend time chatting, surprise them with a nice text and see how much happier they are with you when you see them.

8. Do text if you’re far away
– Studies have shown that texting can create a strong sense of connection between two people, more so than other similar forms of communication like email. If you’re working away, or you’re in a long distance relationship then texting could keep things alive. The last thing you want is your partner forgetting about you because you’re so far away.

Well I’m not here to tell you what you can and can’t do, I’ve simply been giving my advice on what I think will send you on your way to entering a great relationship
. So I wanted to include a bit of advice about being unfaithful. I’ve already touched on this a few times so you will know by now that in no way do I ever think it’s acceptable, because it’s simply not going to lead to a good relationship…whether you get found out or not.

I just want to go through a few things with you on the topic of being unfaithful in hope that it will make you think a bit more deeply into things. Let’s look at some potential reasons why people might be unfaithful in a relationship:

They’re unhappy

They’re bored

They like the excitement

They think their partner might be cheating on them

They’re not getting enough action

They’re unhappy:
If this is the case, then it’s quite obvious what I’m going to say now. You only have one shot at this life you’re living so why would you spend even one moment of it in a relationship that makes you unhappy? Also, if this is the case as you’re entering a new relationship then get out now. You have no excuse. If you’re not happy as the relationship is in its early stages then there’s not much chance you’ll be happy further down the line. A relationship needs to be built on solid foundations and you being unhappy and unfaithful is a recipe for disaster.

They’re bored:
The same goes. If you’re bored then get out of the relationship. If you’re cheating because you’re bored then why not just be single and have fun, without hurting anyone?

They like the Excitement:
If you’re someone that likes the thrill of having an affair and feeling the risk of getting caught, then you need to decide whether it’s worth holding that over your head. If you can live with the thought that at any moment your partner could find out about what you’re doing and it could crush their whole world, then there’s no advice I could give to you here in this book. That could take a few therapy sessions before we decided whether you are going to stop or not. You should be able to get your excitement from within your relationship, and if you’re not getting that then it’s time you had a think about whether the relationship is worth holding on to.

They think their partner might be cheating on them:
Ok this is going to get a little complex. Thinking that your partner could be cheating on you can either be because you are seeing genuine signs that point you to this conclusion, or you are getting too insecure and paranoid. Either way, cheating on them isn’t going to make anything better. Let me explain this to those of you who might not quite understand why this would be a reason to cheat on someone. It’s quite common that someone who believes their partner is cheating on them will cheat themselves. There is usually one of two reasons for this. Firstly the person will think along the lines of, well if they’re cheating on me then I’m going to cheat on them so I don’t look like a fool. If this is you, then I would strongly suggest you read this carefully. If you decide to do this when entering a relationship, you could be in with a nasty shock one day. Say you end up staying together for a long time, and you fall deeply in love with this person. Then one day you find out that indeed you were right, they had cheated on you. I’m afraid the chances of you feeling better because you cheated on them too are next to nothing. You are still going to feel just as hurt and betrayed, but you can add a guilty conscience to this too. You might decide that you want to break up because of what you found out, but this could prove difficult because you will almost feel like you want to forgive them because you did it too. This is going to stress you out a lot and you’re going to go through a very rough patch in your life. However, at least if you were faithful all the way down the line you can take the guilty conscience out of the equation. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but at least you have your pride. Also, of course, there is the chance that further down the line your partner will find out that you cheated on them and they could leave you. Your whole world ripped from beneath your feet for some stupid mistake you made years ago. Do you want to risk that just because you think your partner might be cheating on you? The other reason for someone cheating because they think their partner is cheating on them is actually slightly backwards. It is usually found that if someone is cheating they will start to think that their partner is cheating too and will just do it more. This can be in the form of projection, which is when we are in denial of our own faults and so project them onto others as a form of defence for ourselves. So when someone is cheating they will start accusing their partner of cheating because they are in denial of doing it themselves. Another reason for cheating leading to a person believing their partner must be cheating is because they often think “well if I’m getting away with it, then how do I know they aren’t?”  This is a viscous cycle, and I would suggest to you that if you believe your partner to be cheating on you so much that you would go out and cheat on them for any reason, then you need to question whether you should even be in that relationship.

They’re not getting enough action:
What happens in the bedroom in a relationship is important, there’s no two ways about it. But it’s not excuse to be unfaithful. If you are unsatisfied with the amount of ‘bedroom’ time you’re getting in your relationship then it’s once again that time to think about whether you should be in that relationship at all. Talk to your partner, don’t just go running off with the first person to pay you any attention. You might find that there is a reason for the lack of action in the relationship, and that it can be easily resolved. Open and honest, remember?

Well there’s been some pretty solid advice in here to help you on your way to having an amazing relationship, whether you’re looking to find one or you’re in a new one I hope you can use some of the tips and techniques in here to make it last long and stay fun. If you’ve read this book and you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, I hope there have been things that you can also take away to make your relationship better.

But no book in the world is going to absolutely guarantee that you can start a relationship and make it turn into a happy one. The fact of the matter is; some people just aren’t compatible. You can try your best to ignore floors in people but when you get close to them and see it a lot, sometimes it’s just too much to handle and that’s just the way it is. I personally believe that the sooner you realise these things the better. You don’t want to wait as long as you can, to keep trying to make things work and then find out that you really just can’t. Breaking up with someone is one of the hardest things to do, and the longer you leave it the harder it will get. You have to listen to your feelings here, really let your mind and body tell you what it thinks about being with this person. Ideally your mind and body will at first feel nothing but excitement and happiness when you think about and see your new partner, but that’s not always going to be the case. Sometimes you’re just not ready for a relationship, or it’s just not the right person for you. This is going to happen occasionally if you have a lot of relationships. It might be that the first time you enter a relationship it turns out to be the only relationship you will ever have, but for most people there’s a few bumpy roads along the way before finding that special someone to have that special relationship with

So, how do you actually break up with someone? Well like I say, it’s better to find out that you don’t want to be with someone early. This way, the break up isn’t going to be as painful for either of you. Of course it’s not going to be all smooth sailing either but its far better in the long run that it’s early before even stronger emotions are formed. The key is not to be critical of your partner, because this is going to affect them forever in some way or another. You don’t want to send them off thinking that they’ll never find a good relationship because eventually everyone will see the things you saw and will want to break up with them. Whatever your problem with them was, it was your problem. Someone else somewhere might find that to be a really attractive
quality and it’s not fair if you put it in their head that no one else will ever like these things about them. You have to be completely non-judgemental about things. Just accept that they are the way they are and you just didn’t happen to like that in a partner and so you are moving on.