The Downlow Alpha (The Identity Crises Book 1) (12 page)

            
 
I was waiting, filled with electricity for him to get here. I was waiting on the stoop outside, unable to withstand the cloying feel of the air inside. My mom was starting to get on my nerves in her excitement I had already found a new friend. I was nervous enough without her constantly hovering around me making all her sickly sweet comments.

              I saw the curtains move again, indicating she was peeking still, and looked at my cell phone to give me a distraction as I looked at the time again. It still showed the same time as the last time I had checked, I noted with resignation.

              My mind kept returning to our talk on the phone. Although it was brief, I found it had reinforced my high opinion of him. His voice was deep, yet friendly and open. The cynical part of my mind kept waiting for the bad part of him to reveal itself, and despite looking for any indication of a bad side, was not seeing any cracks in his personality that screamed liar.

              I heard the roar of the engine as he pulled up, knowing it was him as he slowed to a stop in front of my house. My mouth watered as I looked at the restored 1968 Dodge Charger. He had talked about it briefly on the phone, and I could tell he was very proud of it. He revved his powerful hemi engine a few times as he looked at me for approval, and I found myself smiling as I gave him the thumbs up, hurrying over to the car.

              "Hey Byron," he said as I climbed in. I caught sight of my mom openly looking through the blinds and waved as I pictured her worrying now because of the power the sound of his engine evoked. She waved back as I shut the door.

              "Wow," I said, as I looked at him. His beautiful smile got bigger, and I winced, thinking of mom as he squealed the tires, propelling us on our way to the party.

              We made small talk on the way, and my guard was down when he dropped the bombshell on me that redirected all of my thoughts.

              "So I hope you are not homophobic! I am openly gay. I came out two years ago, my first year at college," he said.

              He paused, waiting for my reaction. I realized I wasn’t responding due to the frenzy of excitement filling my mind with thought. I quickly rectified the situation, not wanting him to mistake my shock as disapproval.

              "No, of course not. People should feel free to be who they are without worrying about assholes acting like it is some personal affront to them."

              I mentally kicked myself, wishing I had been brave enough to declare my attraction to him. I hated being a coward, yet found myself unable to voice my feelings, declare myself for who I am.

              His smile warmed me as my response of acceptance registered.

              "I knew you would understand," he said. "I hate people who make judgements too. As if my preferences intruded somehow on who they are. I know a lot of people probably think of you as weak, like that asshole who inadvertently introduced us, but I could see you had strength to you right away."

              His appraisal of me filled me with shock, as my mind whispered to me I was a coward, and always had been.

              I was about to answer him, and was interrupted as he declared we were at the party. There were a bunch of cars parked on both sides of the road, and I hoped the police would not get called before the night was over. My mom had called the cops on two parties on my street as I was growing up, so I was self-conscious about the possibility.

              He parked the car, and flashed his brilliant smile as he got out. I returned the smile, as promise and excitement filled me. For the first time ever, I was going to a party with one of the cool guys. I followed him through the yard, where other people mingled, mostly looking about his age.

              Almost everyone seemed to know and like him, as he did a lot of fist bumps. He was very polite, introducing me to several of the small groups, and to my surprise, everyone seemed glad to meet me. Definitely a first, I laughed to myself. I was floating on adrenaline now, as I was walking on new ground as one of the popular crowd. If only Michelle could see me now, I thought.

              We finally made our way in, and he quickly ushered me over to the keg, and I hadn’t thought it possible, but felt myself feel freer as I took my first cup of beer at a party. I wanted to look more grown up, so I quickly chugged it, hiding the fact it tasted disgusting.

              "Woah, looks like we have a live one here," Michael said, and we both laughed as he refilled my cup. I felt alive as we mingled with the others, their acceptance and genuine pleasure to meet me filling me with a sense of pride that was unprecedented. The beer was starting to acquire a nice taste as I lost count of how many I had drunk.

              We were talking with a small group, when Michael and Brian excused themselves for a moment. I was caught up in the conversation, and thought nothing of it at first. But after about fifteen minutes, I started becoming self-conscious as I wondered what was taking him so long. I waited for an opening to excuse myself, as I didn’t want to appear rude to Jim, who was telling a story of his first year at college. It felt like an eternity before he wrapped it up, and I laughed dutifully with the rest, although truthfully I wasn’t paying attention to his ending.

              I extricated myself, and began wandering the large house looking for him. I felt kind of panicky, which I think was amplified from the effects of the beer. I scanned the living room twice, afraid I may have missed him, but he was not there. I quickly went to the kitchen, where a small group was talking, and to my dismay he was not there either. I saw the back door was open, so went out back.

              It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, and I began slowly walking the back yard, scanning the various groups for him. He wasn’t with any of them I concluded as I made it to the back perimeter of the yard. A feeling of dejection filled me, as I began wondering if he had ditched me at the party. I leaned against the brick wall as my mind filled with horrible thoughts, all of the feelings of inadequacy that had built up during my youth resurfacing.

              I dimly became aware of a wet slurping sound off to my right, coming from the bushes. Curiosity filled me as I quietly made my way around the bushes. I was unprepared for the sight that greeted me. Michael was standing there, his pants down around his ankles. The young man he had went off with, Brian, was on his knees in front of him, his head bobbing up and down on Michael's hardness.

              Jealousy filled me instantly. Jealousy and desire. I found myself unable to tear my eyes away from the carnal scene unfolding in front of me. His cock was thick and long, beautiful to look at as I watched it disappear over and over in Brian's mouth, the wet sucking sound falling upon my ears seductively. I felt myself hardening with desire as I watched, desire to take his hardness into my mouth overwhelming me.

              I felt Michael looking at me, and somehow pried my eyes from the seductive image of his manhood being worshipped, and as our eyes locked, the look of sheer pleasure emanating from his dark eyes made me shudder. I quickly turned and left, embarrassed by it all. Embarrassed at my desire. And hurt it was not me on my knees. I was having a hard time processing it all through the fog of the alcohol. Processing my feelings. My desires.

              I went back on the patio, dimly aware of all of the conversations going on around me, as a weird numbness permeated inside. As I fought to process my feelings, I realized that I had not been honest with myself. I had secretly desired Michael. Desired to be with him. Be his boyfriend.

              The realization was overpowering, and increased the numbness I was feeling. I noticed someone coming my way rapidly from the darkness of the yard, and as I looked up I saw it was Michael, concern filling his face. Despite my jealousy, a small pulse of satisfaction at his caring flashed through me.

              He lightly grabbed my arm as he asked if we could go talk. I nodded my agreement, not knowing how to talk about my feelings. His face looked relieved at my willingness as he led me off to a dark corner of the yard.

              "Look, I am sorry you had to see that. I had no intention of that happening tonight. The truth is, Brian is my ex, and the breakup has been harder on me than I had thought it would be, I still have unresolved feelings for him, I guess. But please believe me when I tell you, it is over between him and I."

              My mind was coming to life, as I knew he wouldn’t be telling me this, explaining himself, if he was not interested in me.

              "It is no business of mine," I said, realizing my affect was all wrong as it came out. My tone screamed I was anything but indifferent as my words tried to indicate was the case.

              "Look, I know it looks like a lie, and in your shoes I don’t know I would believe me either," he said. "But honestly, it is over between Brian and I. He is a cheater, and I can't live like that. What you saw back there was a mistake. A stupid mistake on my part. Weakness really. You know, I still have love for him in my heart. None of that just disappears, even when you are betrayed."

              "Why are you telling me this," I demanded.

              His face filled with embarrassment as he said it straight out, his bravery impressing me.

              "Because I like you. Like you a lot. I have been attracted to you since the moment I saw you. I was staring at you when that asshole knocked your books out of your hands on purpose. You are very handsome, and your energy is very appealing," he said.

              I felt the vibration of excitement filling me, overpowering the hurt that had consumed me just seconds before.

              "While I am being honest, I will fess up now as to my secret fantasy when I invited you. I had visions in my head of that being us behind those bushes, with me on my knees."

              It took a moment for my mind to accept and process what he had just declared, and confusion tore at my mind, while the hardness growing in my pants had no confusion at all as images of his beautiful mouth taking me into its wetness tantalized me.

              He was looking at me expectantly, and I felt overwhelmed, incapable of responding to his proclamation.

              "I have to go to the bathroom," I blurted out. I turned from him quickly, heading back towards the house. The image of his disappointment searing itself sadly in my mind.

            
 
I felt relief as I shut the bathroom door behind me. Relief it was unoccupied. I needed a respite, a place to gather and sort my feelings. Everything was happening so fast, and I knew the fog of the alcohol wasn’t helping. I kept seeing images of his mouth making love to me, and desired to feel that so. I was still a virgin, never knowing pleasure that was not self-induced.

              And I had to be honest. I had been fantasizing about him since we first met. Since he had helped me pick up my books. He was so masculine. So beautiful.

              It was my jealousy that was the problem. It had hurt me more than I liked seeing him with Brian. I knew I would never be able to get that erotic image out of my mind. And the thought of sharing him with anyone was agonizing. I thought to his explanation, of how Brian had been his boyfriend. Of how Brian had cheated on him. My heart went out to him. If this was my reaction, and he wasn’t even my boyfriend yet, I knew it must have hurt him terribly to catch Brian with someone else.

              As soon as I put it in that light, I knew everything was going to be fine. Better than fine. He wanted to be my boyfriend, and I wanted that more than anything I had ever wanted. He was everything I had always dreamed of in a partner. Good looking, smart, easy going and likable. He had a good heart. Yes, he had a good heart. I found him lovable. My heart started hammering as I confessed this to myself. I loved him, was so completely smitten with him.

              I found myself smiling in the mirror as someone tried the knob on the bathroom door.

              "Just a minute," I called out, flushing the toilet as I did so it would appear I had used the toilet. I went out, the girl waiting to get in rushing past me in her haste. I felt such excitement fill me as I went in search of Michael. I found him in the kitchen, the look of sadness on his face before he saw me tugging at me. He looked up at me expectantly, and as he saw my face, his face lit up at what he saw. I nodded, letting him know I wanted what he offered. That I wanted him. The energy filling me amplified as the excitement of his desire spilled out of his face, out of his lovely eyes.

              He quickly rushed over, and grabbed my hand, pulling me into the house with him. I wondered where he was taking me as he maneuvered us into a hallway, and opened a door. It was a closet, and he pulled me inside with him quickly. Darkness enveloped us as he shut the door. I heard the rustling of him getting on his knees in front of me, then the feel of his hands as they fumbled expectantly with my pants.

              I felt him yank them down my legs, my heart pounding so strongly it was crashing in my ears. I heard myself gasp as I felt his warm mouth slide down my pulsing hardness, his wetness feeling divine to the smooth skin of my flesh. Downward his mouth slid, working its way divinely till I felt his chin nudge my tight balls. Tremors of excitement and pleasure sang from every pore as I felt him start sucking, his mouth tugging at my skin, pulling it back and forth with insistence.

              Instinctively, my hands grabbed his head, the feel of his hair in my fingers exquisite as I began pushing and pulling on his head, directing his mouth as an animalistic hunger began consuming me. I was lost now, lost in the pleasure of his love as he slurped on me. The sound of his mouths wetness was getting louder with each second, and I was thrusting fast now, as I began speed thrusting deep in his mouth, into his throat.

              I was beginning to groan and growl as my passions became to strong to be housed within my body, and I pulled his head tightly to my loins as I thrust as far into his throat as I could. I exploded violently, my warm seed shooting out over and over, as he swallowed my emissions entirely. His mouth was sucking hard, making sure to drain every drop of my release as my legs trembled in their exhaustion.

              My mind was numb with pleasure as I lightly stroked his hair, his mouth gently sucking on me. I was awash with love, my heart beating strong as every nerve declared loudly my love for this man.

              He finally pulled himself off of my semi flaccid hardness, and his words warmed me.

              "You were so hard. You have such a nice cock, Byron. I love how you taste."

              Love permeated my every fiber as he stood and helped me pull my pants back up. I was on cloud nine as I finished buttoning my pants, and indicated I was ready to go back out to the party. He opened the door, and surprise filled me as we saw two guys stop who were walking past, their faces getting that all to familiar cruel glint to them as they saw the two of us come out.

              "Hey everyone, look. A couple of fags just came out of the closet," one of the upper classmen yelled while pointing at us. As I stepped out, I saw a crowd forming as they laughed at his wittiness at our expense.

              "I want a blowjob too," the man who was with him declared. "I call next on the blowjob. The line starts behind me," he continued, being rewarded with even more laughter. Horror filled me as I pictured college being more of the same as high school. I looked at Michael, fear and hurt filling me as I felt all of the beauty of a moment before evaporate.