The Embers Of My Heart (15 page)

She glared at me. "Just because you don't get my thought process doesn't mean I'm talking nonsense. I don't want him to bend to what I want whenever I want it. Dude needs to have a spine, some backbone to fight me. If he wants to smoke, that's his business, not mine. He's been doing it long before we met. I think it's stupid and disgusting but it's his choice. Get it?"

I got it, but it was still nonsense in my mind. "Sure."

"So why?"

"Look, I'm not going to give everything away." She started to say something, but I raised my hand to stop her. "I'll tell you that you are part of the reason, but you're not the only part. I don't think you're even the primary part. He's doing it for damn good reasons. Trust me on that."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"You're absolutely sure that I'm just part of the reasoning?"

"Jess, he does want to kiss you without making you cringe, you know."

She snorted. "I'm going to murder him for spreading that."

"I can't really blame you. I wouldn't want to kiss a smoker either. Bad taste."

"You have worse taste. You date crazy bitches."

I shrugged. "No comment."

"Talked to her yet?"

"Not yet. I do need to ask her something, so I'm going to see if she's in once you let me out."

"Sure." Jess shook her head. "Besides, your room is going to be off limits for a while."

"I picked up on that," I said. "How do you deal with those two?"

"We have rules. Sock the door or get socked. No excessive socking without prior notice. Extended or overnight socking sessions have to be agreed upon ahead of time. You know, actual communication between roommates."

"Workable plan." I stood. "Off to kill some time."

"Wait." Her tone turned flat. "I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice. Sit." I sat back down. "Your girlfriend is a bitch. That's not a bad thing in general. I'm a bitch. Kaitlyn's a bitch. Even Lisa, sometimes, is a bitch. There's a big difference though. I'm bitchy for fun. Kaitlyn uses it as a shield when people get too close. Lisa only acts out when she's angry. Nikki is always a bitch and she's always cold. You with me?"

I nodded. "Mostly."

"She's cold, Kev. She doesn't fucking like us. And you know what, I don't think she likes you either. I don't know what happened between the two of you, but you need to think long and hard about why you're with this girl who doesn't have any affection for you anymore."

"I get what you're saying, but a lot of it is my fault."

Jess shook her head. "It's your fault she doesn't like you anymore? Did you just hear the words that came out of your mouth? They make no sense at all, you goddamned idiot. Yeah, maybe you screwed up, but shit, son. If she doesn't like you anymore, doesn't matter why, you're done, and you're both idiots for hanging on to it like this."

"I'm really not that-"

"Just shut up." She pointed at the door. "You don't need to justify it to me. Go talk to her or whatever. I've said my piece."

I stood up again and walked to the door. She was already at her computer by the time I looked back. "Thanks," I said, softly enough that I wasn't sure if she heard it.

Jess's words stayed with me all the way to Nikki's door. She didn't like me anymore? That seemed harsh, but the more I thought about it, the more accurate it seemed. Maybe she'd miss me after this month of separation. I held that hope close and knocked on her door. "Go away, Kevin," came through the door almost instantly. That hope evaporated.

"I need to talk to you," I said.

"I don't."

"This isn't just about us." I sighed. "Look, either you can let me in, or I can open the door myself, but I'm not going to shout through it. Give me that much, all right?"

There was a click and the door opened wide. She stood there, wearing shorts and a t-shirt, her eyes dark and unforgiving. "Happy now?" she asked.

I walked in, brushing past her, and the door shut behind me. I sat on her bed and she sat on Kaitlyn's. She crossed her arms and stared at me. "I missed you," I said.

"That's nice."

"So is that it?" I asked. "You don't even like me anymore, so are we going to continue pretending everything will be all right, eventually?"

"Wait, what?" Her eyes narrowed. "I don't like you? Who put that idea in your head?"

"Pretty much everyone who's seen the way you act toward me?"

"It's none of their business how we act toward each other."

I rubbed my forehead. "I'm not trying to start any more trouble, but this has gone on for months now, Nikki. We need to work this out or we need to end it and move on."

"You didn't try and contact me over the break."

"You made it clear you didn't want to talk to me. You could have tried too, you know."

"So now I'm the one not trying?"

I held my breath and counted. "All right. Let's step back and figure this out. What do you want from me? Is there something I can do to make things right?"

She stared at me, then looked away. "I don't know, Kevin. I really don't. I'm angry with you in a way I can hardly explain. Every time I think about the good times we've had, what you said to me on Valentine's Day comes back and I get angry all over again. It's consuming me and I hate it."

"It was a mistake," I said. "I had so many things on my mind and I took it out on you."

"And here we are," she whispered. Her arms tightened around herself.

"Here we are," I said. "I know saying I'm sorry doesn't mean much at this point, but I'm sorry."

"It helps," she said.

We sat there for a moment in silence. I wanted to ask her for help with Max's issues. It wasn't a great time for it, but I couldn't trust I'd have another chance to ask. "I do want to ask you something work-related, though," I said.

She looked up and her eyes narrowed. "Go on."

I held my hands up. "It wasn't the main reason I came here," I said.

"Sure. Go on."

I gave her the news about Max quitting smoking. She didn't show any real emotion. "So, I wasn't going to ask you for direct help, but I was hoping you could give me some advice."

"It's a good thing you didn't ask me for direct help." Her voice was level and cold. "That would have gotten you a kick right in the balls. Honestly, do you think I believe that you didn't come here just to get my help? All you want to do is use me, right?"

"Nikki, wait-"

She reached down and pulled her t-shirt off. "Want to make use of my body, too? Sounds like that's all I'm good for. Go put a sock on the door, all right?" She reached behind her back to undo her bra.

I found myself at a crossroads. On one hand, it had been a while, she was hot, and even hotter with her clothes coming off. On the other hand, this was a hideously dangerous situation. "I'm not that good a guy," I warned her. "Don't do this."

She flung her bra at me and reached down to slip her shorts off. "Don't do what? You're my boyfriend and I'm going to seduce you." Her tone was full of venom. "Don't you want that? Don't you want to see me naked and make me moan?"

"I do, but-"

The shorts came off, followed by her panties, and Nikki stood up. She walked over to the door, opened it, and jammed a sock on the doorknob. "Shut the fuck up, Kevin. Just shut up. I'm not going to give you what you want. I'm going to take what I want."

Her nakedness stripped away any last bits of rationality I had. "I'm not sure this is a good idea."

"It's a great idea." She pushed me backwards and straddled me. "Now you need to shut up and do this. Make it good. Make it last. It might be your last chance."

"Is that a threat?" I asked as she pulled my shirt off.

She didn't say anything, just leaned down to kiss me so hard I tasted blood. In the back of my mind, a voice of sanity screamed for me to leave, to throw her off, to get the hell out of this situation as quickly as possible. In the rest of my mind, my hormones cheered as I rolled her onto her back and kissed her just as hard.

My hormones won.

Chapter Ten

The door slammed open. I was out of my chair before I realized it was just my roommate, and even that took a few moments. He staggered to his chair, his skin tone pasty instead of pale, his entire persona ragged and unkempt. "I'm going insane," he rasped at me.

"Going? You've been there for a while."

"Going, going, gone. I need a smoke in the worst way, Kev. The demons are calling me. Calling my name." He collapsed into his chair with a creak. "The damn gum doesn't work. The patches don't work. The demons inside me tell me things. They speak to me."

"What are they saying, exactly?"

"Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke."

"They're full of shit."

"Demons don't lie." He spun once in his chair. "Maybe they're exaggerating."

"So are you actually wearing a patch?" I asked.

He yanked his shirt sleeve up to reveal a bare arm. "Sure am."

"It's not there."

"It's invisible."

"I'm pretty sure you're just not wearing one."

"No, it's really invisible. That's what the fairy told me."

I shook my head. "First demons, now a fairy?"

"The Nicotine Fairy." He held his hands up toward the ceiling. "She came down from the Great Cigar Butt in the sky and gave me a lifetime supply of patches, so I'll never have to go without again, praise be unto her."

"The Nicotine Fairy," I repeated.

"She has long curly red hair, perfect white teeth, enchantingly bright green eyes..."

"Max, you've been dreaming about Jess again."

He moaned and his arms fell back to the armrests. "You're not buying it."

"Why don't you just get a patch, for real?"

"I don't know. Something in me wants to beat this, for real, without any of those assists. I feel like I can't really beat it otherwise. I have to do it myself to prove I can."

I sighed. "It's not a sign of weakness."

"You think I don't know that?" he snapped. "No shit, Kev, it's not a sign of weakness. I'm the one fighting my own brain on this. I know myself. If I make this easier on myself, it'll be that much easier to backslide. I don't want that. You know what they did to me once I got the x-rays?"

"What's that?"

"That doctor sat me down and gave me a good ten minute lecture. Must have been a slow day. He pointed out the spots in my lungs that were the worst. He made me make an appointment to come back during the next break, just to make sure they don't grow or get worse. He told me my cough might never go away. Never! Can you imagine that shit, Kev? A tickle in your throat for the rest of your life. Sometimes I think dying would be better."

"Whoa, chill," I said. "I didn't mean to hit a sore spot."

"You know what I saw when he looked at me?" Max didn't seem to hear me. He looked right through me. "Pity. That fucker pitied me. This doctor I'd never seen before in my life. What did he see? Some skinny twenty-ish asshole with rotting lungs and yellowed teeth and breath that could stun an ox. He pitied me. I'll never see the son of a bitch again, I bet."

I didn't say anything. Max took a deep breath and swiped at his eyes. "Then, Jess. How much does that suck, do you think? We're together, kind of, right? How much do you think it hurts when the woman you've fallen for doesn't even want to touch you? She told me straight up when we started getting close that she didn't want to kiss a smoker. I mean yeah, we've kissed since then, and she was laughing when she said it, but shit, it hurt!"

"I do know how that feels," I said quietly. Nikki had kicked me out of her room right after we had done the deed a few days ago. I'd barely had time to get dressed.

"Well, we're like brothers then."

I forced myself to grin. "Something like that."

Max forced himself to his feet. "I hate to whine and run, but I only came back to grab shit for my next class. I don't know how I'm managing to stay focused through this. My grades are going to be shitty this trimester."

"Good luck," I said as he sorted through his books and left. A couple of minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "Speak, friend, and enter."

"Nerd." Jess poked her head in. "Did I miss him?"

"By a minute or two. You can probably run downhill and catch up to him."

"Shit. That would be too much effort." She walked in and closed the door behind her. "Oh, did you want me to leave that open?"

"Did you want to put a sock on it?"

"Did you want me to shove a sock down your throat?"

I laughed and she grinned at me. "Is this another bonding moment for us?"

"Maybe. How is he?"

"He's going full cold turkey," I said. She listened to my summary of the horrors he had been going through. "So, he's forcing it really hard. Extra misery."

"I really wish he'd open up to me," she said. I looked over at her. She stood near the window, light touching her hair and shoulders. "I just don't think he's going to last. He needs help to get over that last step. I want to help him, but he doesn't want my help. Can you do anything for him, Kev?"

"I'm trying," I said. The past couple of nights, after he had gone to sleep, I had poked into his brain and studied what he was going through. I'd looked up what little information there was on PSInet as well. I'd prodded a few places last night to try to relieve a little of his pain. "Doing what I can, Jess. I like him too."

She turned and smiled at me. At that exact moment, the sun lit up her hair. I blinked once, twice, then waved my hand in front of my eyes. "You ok?" she asked. "Did my beauty suddenly blind you?"

"No, I just thought I saw glitter in your hair," I said.

She stared at me. I stared back at her. "What."

"I said-" I stopped short and my jaw dropped open. Jess's eyes were dark green. Her hair was pulled back with a hairband, red flames restrained and pouring down her back. Her skin was ivory and her hands were delicate and graceful. Their figures were similar, but Jess had more curves and less muscle. Her eyes fixed on mine and her expression showed a growing horror. "Oh my god," I said. "You look like her."

"Like who?"

"Her name's Star. You look just like her."