The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (31 page)

• In all cases, the money should be presented in an envelope—preferably sealed, with the recipient's name written on the front.

Over the next few months, you'll begin to feel like everyone you come in contact with wants a deposit. (“Yes, Dad, we're coming for dinner on Tuesday. Oh, you want a deposit?”) You can do this in the form of cash, check, or credit card. Leave the least amount of money possible, and try to
put all deposits on credit cards
so that you will have recourse if need be. Not that there will be a problem, but if disaster does strike, the fact that you paid by credit card might be your only avenue to restitution.

But before you involve a credit card company in your battle over the total absence of seafood in the Neptune salad, you must attempt to rectify the problem with the caterer directly. So be sure to write lots of letters, and save copies of everything.

Fortunately, the couples we spoke with had no pending lawsuits or vendors from hell who had gone back on their word. But do take all precautions.

“The wedding is canceled” are four words that no one wants to hear—not the chef, not the band, not no one. (As for dealing with your relationship, that's another book.) But just in case, know what your liabilities are. A big gay wedding, canceled at the last minute, could become a great TV movie-of-the-week—but the money the network gives you for the rights to your story will be spent paying off all the vendors standing in line.

When you look at a contract, be sure to note the cancellation policy and when (and if) the deposit will be refunded. Policies differ, ranging from “Full return of the deposit up to three weeks before the date,” to “Return of deposit if the space or service gets rebooked,” to “Sorry, Charlie, kiss your money good-bye” (although not necessarily in those exact words).

Bridal or wedding consultants, similar to the memorable Mario Cantone character in
Sex and the City,
are coming back into fashion as brides and grooms lead busier lives and have less time to take care of wedding details on their own.

Working with a full-service wedding planner is like having a personal assistant or secretary at your disposal. The consultant will see that all of the elements of your event are in order and everyone remains in gear. If you're putting on an affair of grand proportions, and you really don't know how to pull this stuff off, a planner can lead you by the hand every step of the way. If you caught the 2008 episode of
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
in which Ellen shared footage of her wedding to Portia de Rossi, you know that the two of them hired a planner. They originally invited hundreds of guests but changed their minds and cut the list down to just a few dozen people; the wedding planner helped to make the calls with the bad news.

Yes, we know what you're thinking:
How much will
this
person set me back?
Well, in the case of a large wedding, a good consultant will theoretically pay for him/herself by getting you better deals. A consultant who has been around the block a few times will be well connected, getting price breaks and negotiating contracts in ways that a virgin could never hope to.

Some consultants charge by the hour; others, a percentage of the total bill, typically 10 to 20 percent; others, a flat fee. Still others charge you nothing, but instead get paid in kickback form from the services they engage for your wedding.

To find a good consultant, ask around at hotels, caterers, and houses of worship. Finding a gay or gay-friendly coordinator or party planner is best done through the grapevine of wedding vendors, who will soon invade your life.

Gay and Green: Tips for Environmentally Correct Weddings

It doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is when it comes to planning a wedding that doesn't put too much strain on ol' Mother Earth. Here are some of our favorite wedding eco-tips:

1.
The best present you can give the earth on your wedding day is to use washable plates, glasses, and silverware. Second best, and less expensive, is to purchase plastic dishes, glasses, and utensils
that are biodegradable and technically “disposable,” yet can also be washed and used again and again.

2.
At the very least, use recycled paper for your wedding invitations, programs, thank-you notes, and all paper goods. Skip the tissue paper and internal envelopes on the invitations. Greenest of all is handling your correspondence electronically, with a site such as
evite.com
or your own wedding website.

3.
While destination weddings are a wonderful way to celebrate, think of the fuel being used for transportation for everyone attending. If you do fly, compensate by buying carbon offsets. The greenest way to go is to commit to keeping your wedding as local as possible, with the wedding and reception in the same venue to cut down on driving.

4.
At the reception, instead of using cut flowers for centerpieces, substitute living tree seedlings or flowers and shrubs in pots. Encourage your guests to take the trees home; planting them is a great way to contribute to the betterment of the air quality in your city, and it also plays a part in the slowing of global warming. If you do use cut flowers, make sure to compost them or dry them for use as decoration.

5.
If you register for wedding gifts, register with environmentally friendly companies such as Seventh Generation and Sundance, or suggest donations to an environmental group, such as National Resources Defense Council.

6.
Insist that whatever stores you register with pack your wedding gifts in minimal, biodegradable packaging. Suggest they not use gift boxes or bubble wrap; encourage the use of wood shavings, raffia ribbon, and recycled natural wrapping paper. When gifts do come in boxes with lots of excess packing materials like those annoying Styrofoam peanuts, don't just toss these materials out. Save and reuse them, or take them down to your recycling center.

7.
Choose a caterer or restaurant that serves local, seasonal ingredients. If you can afford it, free-range, grass-fed meat is ideal; offering at least one plant-based entrée is also good for the planet in so many ways. And don't forget the organic beer and wine, as well as fair-trade coffee and tea.

8.
If you want to be an environmental trendsetter, use organic cotton fabric for wedding and bridesmaids gowns (and why not the grooms' suits too?). Let bridesmaids choose dresses that they can wear again, and give your bridal gown a second life by donating it to a thrift shop.

9.
Encourage guests to carpool to the ceremony and/or reception. After all, since lots of people will know one another, why can't they ride four (or more) to a car? It will help reduce the smog emission levels, and if you're having valet parking, it might even save you a little money. If the celebration is some distance from where most of the people live, consider arranging for a bus to take everyone together.

10.
If you're having helium balloons as part of the decorations, please do not under any circumstances release them; just pop them. There are horror stories of balloons traveling unbelievable distances and ending up in oceans or lakes, where they become a hazard to marine life.

The best legal advice we can give you is this: see a lawyer. (You can always start at
lgbtbar.org
).

Ironically, it's not as easy for same-sex couples to get hitched as it used to be. In “the old days,” gays and lesbians had few ways of securing legal protection for their relationships. Couples held ceremonies stating their commitment, but those ceremonies meant bupkus in a court of law.

All of that changed when Vermont passed the Civil Unions Law in 2000. Same-sex couples in that state could acquire the same legal protections, obligations, and responsibilities as married couples. Since then, the legal landscape has been an ever-evolving map of rights. As of November 2011, there are six states that issue actual marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Twelve other states offer variations on the right to marry, ranging from recognition of marriage from another jurisdiction to granting the equivalent of spousal rights to same-sex couples within the state. It's not only confusing; it's also changing constantly. If you live in New Jersey, where they offer civil unions, but you get married in Massachusetts, what's your legal status? Good question. That's why you should consult an attorney.

Try to find a lawyer who has experience dealing in agreements between same-sex couples; they're not that rare anymore. You'll need to draw up separate documents for each of the areas of your togetherness (and, unfortunately, in case you come apart as well). Some of the legal means by which you can try to cover yourself include power-of-attorney agreements, proxies, wills, insurance policies, and joint-tenancy agreements.

Tammy Wynette is sobbing, “Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today.”

This is certainly not a heading you'll find in any traditional bridal guide. But we feel that we need to at least mention what happens in this regard. Even though we've made great strides, it's
still possible that your marriage isn't legal, or that it can be rendered invalid at any moment by the passing of an act of legislation. In that case, what in the world constitutes a gay divorce, much less a gay divorcée? (Does she move to the suburbs, buy a closet full of jogging suits, get a little nip and tuck, and join lots of clubs?)

We're hoping you never have to deal with the train to Splitsville issue, but just in case you do, it will be easier if you've laid some groundwork ahead of time. Discuss it before you make the big commitment. What are the deal-breakers that would destroy your relationship, and how would the dissolution occur? You don't have to dwell on the negative, you don't have to go into details (unless you really enjoy it), but you
do
have to talk about the possibility. Once you get it out in the open, it won't be so scary.

Here again, the developing body of law in the United States and the variation in state laws is a real minefield. Take the case of Texans Russell Smith and John Anthony, who traveled to Vermont for a civil union ceremony in 2002 and, like the more than 40 percent of Americans whose marriages end in divorce, later decided to break up. Because they shared business deals, they filed for divorce in a Texas court; however, since that state did not recognize that a marriage had ever existed in the first place, no divorce could be granted. Though all it takes is a romantic weekend to tie the knot in Canada or Vermont, both places require at least one member of the couple to establish residency for a year before granting a divorce or official dissolution.

Without access to divorce, benefits that can come with a civil union—shared property, adoption rights, insurance—must be undone one at a time. “It shoves gay people into a no-man's-land where they have to fight it out for themselves,” says Evan Wolfson, director of Freedom to Marry. “Because it's not marriage, people don't have one of the automatic protections that comes with marriage.”

Even if you do not have to be concerned with any state-generated documents, it's possible that your religious or spiritual organization will require some sort of dissolution papers—especially if you want to remarry. The policy of many individual pastors and rabbis is that if a couple has had a union ceremony and they want to end the relationship, they both must sign off on it—an “uncommitment ceremony,” if you will.

The first lesbian couple married in Massachusetts has separated. This is a huge problem. Divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not to Steve.

—Lewis Black, satirist