The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (26 page)

Jane made a cake top for us that had the two of us wearing wedding gowns and holding hands, with our two cats sitting on either side. We thought we'd put it on when we brought the cake home. But the bakery owner, who no doubt assumed that I was ordering a cake for myself and my groom, advised me to bring the top in so that they could decorate around it. When I brought the top in, I had it in a box. The owner was sitting having coffee with two older women, and told me to take it out so she could see it. I took a deep breath, removed it from the box, and set it on the table. The three of them examined it for what seemed like hours. Then one of the older women asked, “What kinds of cats are those?”

—Tess, 1992

If you really want something, you can figure out how to make it happen.

—C
HER

C
ONGRATULATIONS
! Y
OU'RE GETTING
married. Hey, that's great. You're flush with excitement, you have sweaty palms, your heart goes pitter-pat when your fiancé/fiancée walks into the room. Charming. Are you so much in love that the rest of the world just disappears? Are your penny loafers floating on air? Are you spending all your free time practicing your new hyphenated signature? Uh-oh…

Earth to reader!

Earth to reader!

It's time to snap out of it and get this show on the road. Or, maybe you want to take a few hours this afternoon and watch episodes of
Bridezilla
just to get in the mood? Okay, go ahead. But as soon as the last end credits roll, you've got some mondo decisions to make.

Communication Alert

THE WHOLE PROCEDURE
of wedding planning can run the couple through a maze of overbearing florists, insistent relatives, and understaffed caterers, all with their own agendas. Everybody knows what's right for your wedding. You may find out how your future mother-in-law really feels about you taking her baby away from her. And you may discover yourselves bickering over whether or not to give out those Jordan almonds in little net bags tied with customized ribbons reading, “Jonathan and Max, Our Music Begins.” Emotions run high and everyone tends to get a bit crazy.

How to avoid Wedding Hell? Work hard to keep the lines of communication open. If you're not a very verbal person, this may be the one
time in your life to make the effort to be more vocal. Dip into those old standbys—negotiation and compromise. Know that the bottom line is to decide what's in the best interest of both of you, and that (sorry to break this to you) you can't have your own way all the time. Try, whenever possible, to put your partner first; don't let your altar ego get in the way. If you have your heart set on saying your vows on a romantic cruise ship but your partner turns green just looking at a Jacuzzi, look for a more neutral setting. You're planning the celebration of your togetherness; you're a team, so act like one.

Cross our hearts, this is not a sexist remark: this whole thing may come easier to you if you're a lesbian couple than if you're two men. Let's face it, a girl is often more encouraged to look forward to her wedding day than a boy is; in fact, some females still train for it like the Olympics. Some girls dress like brides for Halloween, buy Bridal Barbie, and grow up to have ridiculous wedding expectations. Yes, even lesbians. Gay men, on the other hand, have suffered wedding deprivation on two levels: (1) as homosexuals, perhaps never contemplating the notion for themselves, and (2) as grooms, traditionally treated as little more than accessories at their own weddings. To this sexist, bigoted, homophobic, and narrow-minded view of coupling, we say, “Feh!” We know for a fact that men have planned weddings that are every bit as magical as those of their female counterparts. (Sometimes they border on spectacular.) Just because you didn't grow up reading
Bride's
magazine doesn't mean that you're not cut out for this. And that includes you gals.

So, where to begin?

Start the process by deciding what is really important to each of you. Don't be concerned yet with the practical; in fact, here we encourage you to let your imagination run wild. Pretend you're in a wedding movie, starring yourself. Are you wearing lace or are you wearing leather? Do you walk down an aisle? Whom do you kiss as they pass through the receiving line? Are you in a château in Paris or in your own living room? What are you eating? Do you hear music? Is it baroque or The Boss? Do you make your exit in a taxi or a horse-drawn carriage? At this point, the possibilities are endless, so make mental notes about your fantasies. And don't cheat yourself, because in your fantasies, all of your dreams can come true.

Okay, let's say each of you has run your own movie through your head. Now it's time for a little editing; you need to splice together the two films and see if you're both on the same wedding wavelength. By homing in on the highlights of what each of you wants, you can begin to develop a practical approach to the celebration.

How big a deal do you want to make over this wedding stuff, anyhow? Do you want a private celebration, with just the two of you? If you want to keep it to a minimum and exchange sage leaf rings in your backyard and go out to dinner, fine, live and be well. If, on the other hand, what you have in mind is a more public bash, you have a myriad of decisions to make. Choices, choices, choices.

As you read through this section, try to do some prioritizing in your own mind. Begin by mulling over the dilemmas of when, what, who, and where.

Most couples try to give themselves at least six months from the day they actually decide to get married until the day of the wedding. George proposed to David on David's birthday in February, and they planned on a May wedding. They didn't start finalizing their decisions until the end of March, and as David said, “It kept getting bigger and more complex, and the more I realized how far we wanted to go with this thing, the more certain I was we'd never pull it off in time.” (They changed the date.) Allow yourself enough lead time to feel exhilarated rather than rushed. So open up those Filofaxes and consider the following questions.

Do you want this ceremony to take place on a date that already has significance in your lives? (We don't know why, but lots of gay couples choose to get married on an anniversary they already celebrate—the day when they met, the day they first kissed, the day of their first couples therapy session.) Maybe you've always wanted to be a June groom. Or perhaps you'd like to pick a holiday, like Valentine's Day or New Year's Eve; there's Arbor Day for the environmentalists and Susan B. Anthony's birthday for you feminists. Some couples have their astrological charts done to help them pick dates; others plan around a full moon or the winter solstice, which signifies a “returning of the light.” June, August, and December are the most popular months and Saturday and Sunday, the most popular days; be forewarned that you may have trouble clearing spaces and services during these periods, and even if you do manage to book them, you may end up paying a premium. Weekdays and nights generally have lower rates, and on weekends, days are cheaper than nights.

You might want to take some time off from work; when can you both do that? Do you have someone specific in mind to perform the ceremony whose availability you need to check? How difficult will it be to book your church or synagogue? If you're planning on getting married outdoors, consult the
Old Farmer's Almanac
or a weather service so raindrops aren't likely to be falling on your head. Finally, take the lifestyles of your friends and families into consideration; check in advance with those whose presence is most important to you regarding the date.

Do you want to get married in the noonday sun (for mad dogs and Englishmen) or by moonlight? Are you a morning person, or do you come to life at 8
P.M.
? The time of day dictates to some extent reception style as well as what people will expect to be fed.

How many bodies do you envision yourself surrounded by on your wedding day? Your ten closest friends or everyone you've ever known in your life? Is it an intimate ceremony with a huge party afterward? Who, if anyone, will perform the ceremony? Will it be a clergyperson or the captain of a ship? Do you want attendants? Do you want lots of people to participate, or do you want a two-woman show?

Where's the ceremony to be? In a church or synagogue or under your grandmother's fig tree? Will the reception be in the same place as the ceremony? Can you make quick friends with
somebody who lives on an estate with hanging gardens, or do you want to rent the ballroom of a downtown hotel? Do you want to get married in the middle of Yellowstone National Park or on an urban rooftop? Don't rule out unique places, from art galleries to the city zoo. Adventure may be as close as your own backyard.

The wedding-etiquette gurus all talk about the Wedding Style—which is kind of the gestalt, the big enchilada, the Zeitgeist of your wedding. But it is not something that ever needs to actually be articulated. When your Cousin Bernice planned her wedding, it was built into her genetic code that she would have a cocktail hour in the Rococo Room followed by a candlelight ceremony under the hotel's gazebo, followed by a sit-down dinner of prime rib and string beans almondine for four hundred of her most intimate friends. But if you had asked her what her wedding style was, she would have stared at you like a deer caught in the headlights. Yet the wedding style is nothing more than your individual tastes and personal priorities, which define the day. (For instance, you can assume from the rundown on Bernice's wedding that she didn't wear jeans.)

There are as many different wedding styles as there are couples. Here are the impressions of some of the people we spoke with who have been through it already.

“It was right out of a thirties movie.”