The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (21 page)

How about proposing?

A proposal proclaims the end of dating, “living in sin,” or whatever you two are doing that will soon be replaced by “ever after.” The proposal is the true beginning of the wedding. Think proposing is too corny? Too Old World? Too politically incorrect? What's next, asking a father for his daughter's hand? You're saying, hey, I'm gay, why do I have to imitate the straight world? If you don't want to, fine, don't. But the act of proposing, or the experience of being proposed to, is a wonderful occasion that need not be passed up. You don't want to look back on the moment you decided to get married and be unable to distinguish it from the moment you decided to spring for high-speed-Internet. (“Oh, look, they're having an installation discount. All our friends have it and we've been thinking about it for a while so let's just do it.”) No, no, this will never do.

It isn't mandatory to get down on one knee, although we know of some who have. The proposal is your own private opening ceremony, before the rest of the planet becomes involved with your union, so why not make it a Hallmark occasion? What's this all about if not making memories? David put a fake engagement ring in a jack-in-the-box, which he then presented to his lover, Brian; the clown popping out of the box was David's way of popping the question. Emily sent a dozen long-stemmed roses to Angel's office with a proposal inside. Mitchell rented a billboard that read, “Jim, will you marry me?” Sally asked Nicole to marry her by writing a proposal in the sand on the beach at Sag Harbor. We've known the question to be popped in a scrolling screen saver, and many have returned to the scene of their first date or the place they met in order to re-create the magic.

There's also the possibility of Spontaneous Agreement. This occurs mostly among couples who have been together a long time; maybe one day they're doing the dishes and it becomes simultaneously obvious that this is The One. Charlotte turns to Miranda and says, “Why don't we get married?” Miranda says, “I can't think of any reason not to. Is it my turn to wash or dry?” We find this occurrence kind of charming, but also suggest that if you find yourselves in such a situation, you might want to mark the occasion in a romantic way. Cook a special meal, unplug all media, and spend the evening in. Go shopping together for engagement rings if you're going to wear them, or buy a commemorative object for your household that you've both been wanting. (How about that antique bed you've been eyeing, or a set of new sheets?) Steal away for the weekend. Go to a ballgame and arrange to have
Congratulations
flashed on the scoreboard. Just do whatever it is you most enjoy doing together.

It's also possible that when the question is finally posed, your loved one will say, “What, are you crazy?” or “Come back next year and ask me again.” If this happens, don't despair, and don't give up! Fran told us that she tried to get Sandy
to marry her for three years before Sandy finally agreed to say, “I do.” That was seven years ago, and they're still happily married.

At any rate, we're going to proceed with the assumption that however you've gotten there, the answer at this point is “Yes.”

Judy, sweetheart, you're engaged? Congratulations! Best wishes! Oh, I know you'll be so happy together. I remember when your uncle and I got engaged. I felt so hopeful, so fresh. So she's a nice girl? Let's see the engagement ring! What?!? No ring? She didn't buy you a ring? You young lesbians are so modern.…

Heaven knows you don't need an engagement ring to enter into the (Not the) Engagement. Traditionally, in the straight world, a man proposes with engagement ring in hand, and when his beloved accepts, he immediately slips the ring onto her finger. However, an engagement ring doesn't say “I owe you one wedding ring”; rather, it is symbolic of your intentions. If you've always wanted that rock on the fourth finger of your left hand, and you're both willing to spring for it, here's your chance. It's not uncommon to see two lesbians wearing matching diamond rings these days; in fact, engagement rings are becoming popular with gay men as well. It really doesn't matter what kind of a ring you wear, unless it's important to you that the general public is aware of your engagement.

DO YOUR DIAMOND HOMEWORK

Thanks to Leonardo DiCaprio's movie
Blood Diamond,
more attention is now paid to the origin of diamonds, which in the 1990s were being used to finance wars in places like Sierra Leone and Angola. In 2002, the UN adopted a system called the Kimberley Process Certification Scheme to end the practice of diamond trading for dubious means. Diamonds that have been mined and shipped in a humane, legitimate way have a Kimberley Process certificate, which your jeweler should be able to provide. Buying from a well-established, reputable jeweler also helps, or you can shop at a retailer like Brilliant Earth, which specializes in conflict-free jewelry.

One more thing: there are many different factors that can make the bling more expensive, but being certified conflict-free is not one of them.

If neither one of you plans on wearing an engagement ring but you're sentimental, you could get a beautiful ring box from a jeweler and put one or more of the following items inside: a pipe-cleaner ring; a little slip of paper with the words, “Will you marry me?”; or a tiny print of your favorite photograph of the two of you. Present this to your partner when you propose, and we can practically guarantee you a dramatic response.

Two interesting footnotes here—footnotes you should take with the proverbial grain of salt. The American Gemological Institute recommends that a man spend two to three months' salary on an
engagement ring. And according to
Bride's
magazine, the average engagement ring today costs $4,000.

In 1993, Crown Prince Naruhito of Japan formalized his engagement to former diplomat Masako Owada by sending gifts of fish, silk, and sake to the family of the future empress. You might choose to give another type of present to mark the occasion. How about turning your little black book over to your loved one, or framing a book of matches from the restaurant where you had your first date? You might exchange identical watches or give a family heirloom, a romantic piece of art (either bought or made), or an engagement puppy or kitten (for confirmed animal lovers only, please)—or, if appropriate, something phenomenally expensive, such as a Ferrari.

Some couples prefer to wait a bit before telling anyone that they are betrothed to one another; it gives them a chance to get used to the idea and to prepare the proper response to questions such as, “How's your girlfriend?” (The proper response being, of course, “She's no longer my girlfriend, she's now my fiancée.”) Other couples fling their windows open and scream to the world, “Hallelujah! We're engaged!” For some couples, who they tell about their decision and how they tell those people may be the most anxiety-ridden phase of this whole process. But it doesn't have to be that way. This should be a time of tremendous celebration and joy. Let's see how you can help that along.

Historically, the first people to learn of an engagement are the couple's parents. However, because many gays and lesbians make their friends into their true extended family, and those friends will probably be jazzed to hear your news, you may elect to tell members of your chosen family first. Odds are they'll give you the kind of thrilled reaction you may not get from your biological family. This can build a wave of confidence and good feelings, and give you the support you need to make the announcement to your folks.

You may discover that after telling just a few of your closest friends, you've created a buzz and word of mouth is now passing the good news for you. Or you might decide to have a dinner party, each of you inviting your closest friends, and between courses, instead of serving sorbet, tell them of your momentous decision. And let us not forget the power of the Web. Post on your blog or on message boards that you and your friends frequent and just see how fast the news spreads.

In terms of public announcements, well, that's really up to you. In 2002, GLAAD launched a formal campaign called “Announcing Equality” whose purpose was twofold: to encourage gay and lesbian couples to submit their wedding and engagement announcements, and to encourage newspapers to run them. By 2008, over a thousand papers nationally (nearly 72 percent of all daily newspapers in the United States) were accepting engagement, wedding, and/or commitment ceremony announcements for same-sex couples. Much progress has been made, but you still may meet with some resistance if your local rag has never run an announcement of a LGBT couple in the past. GLAAD has a list of reasons for you to use in your persuasion, such as “It's a reality!” and “It's local and timely!” among others. Go to their website if you need more help (glaad.org/resources/announcingequality).

With a gay wedding, if, when, and how you tell your parents of the big step depends of course on how good your relationship is with them. And their reaction to your news will on some level depend on how accepting they are of you, of your being gay, and of your significant other. So how have other gay couples fared in this area? May we present to you three scenarios:

1.
When David and Phil decided to get married, David called his mother and said, “Mom, wish me mazel tov. I'm getting married.” His mother replied, “No,
you
wish
me
mazel tov. I'm the mother of the groom!”

2.
When Susan and Sharon decided to get married, Susan called her mother and said, “Ma, give me your blessing. I'm getting married!” Her mother replied, “You mean you and Sharon? That's nice. But maybe we'd better not tell your father just yet.”

3.
When Michael and Allan decided to get married, Michael called his mother and said, “Mother, congratulate me, I'm getting married!” His mother replied, “Thank God, you finally found the right girl.”

Parents are supposed to be happy when their child decides to get married because it means he or she has found someone to love and to share life with. But it doesn't always happen like that; remember the Capulets and Montagues? (And their kids were straight!) If your parents have had problems accepting your gayness or your relationship, this announcement may momentarily make the situation all the worse. But it may also allow them to finally come to terms with the fact that this is not a phase you're going through. And you should realize that this is the point at which they might have to do some “coming out” themselves, to their friends and business associates. So try to be patient.

Way back in a 1992 issue of the
Washington
Blade,
Seema Weinberg wrote about her reaction to her gay son's impending wedding.

I shared the up-and-coming occasion with only a few of my friends who know my son is gay. Working in a very homophobic office, I could not openly indulge in the normal luxury of imparting my news. Ironically, at the same time one of my coworkers was in the throes of preparations for her daughter's wedding. Every day we were privy to blow-by-blow descriptions of the proceeding mingled with her effervescent enthusiasm. I went through terrible feelings of guilt, living with my “secret.”

In the long run, having a wedding ceremony and getting married can help demystify your relationship in your parents' minds and make you more like a “regular couple.” So give them some time and maybe they'll end up thinking like Ms. Weinberg eventually did: “When I now meet new people and we exchange social credentials, I proudly answer the inevitable question, ‘Are your sons married?' with no hesitation. ‘Yes, one is a straight marriage and one is a gay marriage.'”

When your relationship with your folks is a 10 and they live nearby, the ideal situation is to tell them of your new status in person, together. If they live at a distance, a phone call to share the
good news is just fine. However, if you anticipate a lukewarm or negative reaction, you may be better off informing them privately, and alone. Or if you feel you can express yourself more clearly in writing, you might consider sending them a letter, which has the added benefit of giving parents time to process the news at their own pace.

If you're not out to your parents, you have two options. First, you can use this situation as the foundation for a whole new arena of honesty with them. For example, if you've been living with the same “roommate” for years, and you know that your parents know there's something more there but they don't really want to hear about it, this may be the time to face the music by telling them about your romantic involvement and your decision to “settle down.” Or, second, you can choose not to tell them anything at all about your wedding. When there's not much of a relationship between parents and children, this may be the best for all concerned. The one situation you should avoid at all costs is not telling your parents anything about your commitment, but continuing to bring your spouse to family functions and pretending that he or she is something other than your spouse. This can only lead to lots of resentment and tension in your marriage.