The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (24 page)

When Jane and I went to buy our wedding dresses, the woman who owned the dress shop appeared to be a bit confused and asked which one of us was getting married. “We both are,” I replied. Then she asked who was getting married first. “It's the same date.” Assuming it was to be a double wedding, she proceeded to help Jane try on a dress. In an effort to pick out the proper color for the dress sash, the owner asked her what color tuxedo her groom would be wearing. Jane looked at me, I looked at Jane, and we both looked at the owner. Jane took a beat, responded, “How liberal are you?” and went on to explain that she and I were, in fact, marrying each other.

—T
ESS

T
HIS CHAPTER IS
different from most of those that follow. It's not exactly a how-to, but a what-to-do. It's not about how to register for china or choose a floral arrangement, or what to serve the guests for hors d'oeuvres. It's about being gay in a straight world. And what, if anything, you want to tell the world.

When you're a same-sex couple about to get married, you are, as someone we know once said, “coming out over and over again.” Not only are you telling your family and coworkers; you're spreading the word to everyone—from friends and florists to caterers and clergy. And often that repeated coming-out gets pretty frustrating: “When Cynthia and I were getting married, sometimes I wished I had made a recorded message that said, ‘Hi, my name is Val. Yes, I'm a lesbian, and yes, I'm getting married to Cynthia. If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions, please leave them at the sound of the beep, and I'll get back to you. Thank you.'”

We call it Coming Out and Out and Out and Out. Because even though you might be having an all-gay ceremony (that is, one at which everyone, from your guests to the wait staff, is gay), you are making a political statement. No, you're not tying yourself to a building, just tying the knot. But at this point in time, you're still a pioneer. And that can be a pretty public thing, whether it's registering at the local department store or sending your engagement photo to the town paper.

So this chapter is about making decisions and declarations. And do you really want to deal with the straight world anyway? Our preference is
yes:
walk it like you talk it. If you're getting married, you're entitled—it's your right as a dewy-eyed fiancée—to take advantage of the smorgasbord of wedding possibilities out there, from the straight world and the gay world, some from column A and some from column B. Our motto: Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are, However You Can. But this may not be right for you. Before you jump right in and rent that billboard in Times Square, read the following tales about the very different experiences of three same-sex couples.

At first we thought,
Well, we're gay. We have sort of an
obligation
to patronize the gay community
—you know, politically correct and all that. Jill had this florist she always used to go to for work things—Mr. Jacobs—and we wanted to use Mr. Jacobs, but he isn't gay. (Right. We probably found the one florist who isn't.) And we thought it would be a whole thing to get into. But then we thought about it some more and decided, well, why not? I mean, he's part of our world; he should be part of our wedding. So Jill—who really has the relationship with him—talked to him about it, solo, just the two of them, and he couldn't have been lovelier. He was so touched that we had thought of him. And then we thought,
Well, why stop there?
And we ended up choosing all the businesses—the caterers, the stationers, the whole bit—based on people we liked who gave us the best value for our money. And each time we did it—telling people about us—it got easier and easier.

When we went to the store bridal registry, it was clear that the woman behind the counter was uncomfortable. She didn't bat an eye, but we knew that she probably had never done this before. She could have taken care of us and just shrugged us off a bit—but we know what it feels like to be an outsider. So David really turned on the charm and we made her feel comfortable by talking to her like she was one of our friends. And she was terrific. Our friends had more fun going into the store and pulling up our names on that computer screen.

We had booked a private party room at a local restaurant for a pre-wedding shower; it was Sunday brunch. We arrived early with a few friends to get things in order and, okay, I'll be the first to admit it: some of them look a little butch. As the waitress went to show us to our room, the owner pulled us aside and told us that there must be some mistake and we didn't have a reservation. He looked us right in the eye and lied. I asked him to check again and then I asked to speak to Nicole, who had taken the reservation from us. He told me that it was her day off. Meanwhile the restaurant became more and more crowded. Kim said that we should just go home. He said: “This is a family restaurant, and it would be better if you just left.” I was really hurt and Kim was really angry, but in the end we were just happy that we didn't spend any money there. We waited out front, collected everybody, went back to our house, and put a little party together there. Maybe we should have cleared it all ahead of time.

Of course, telling everyone in the world is not a prerequisite for getting married. Some couples feel that it's nobody else's business. “Look,” said Tony, “it was my wedding—well, mine and Luis's. And we didn't want anything to spoil it; we didn't want our special day tarnished by one bit of negativity. Which meant we were going to deal only with gay merchants. Oh, and not deal with Luis's mother.”

Like Tony, many couples feel that the fact that they're gay and having a ceremony does not require them to come out to people. Plus, there are many people who, because of careers, living situations, or just their personal preference, choose not to tell the outside world they're having a same-sex wedding. And
that's okay.
We think anything's okay, as long as it's what
you
want to do.

If you do choose to tell people about your wedding, think about your
attitude.
How you deal with the outside world is a clear reflection of how you feel about who you are. So if you're going to tell the world, have a positive attitude, not a defensive one. If you're expecting the man from Abbey Rents to reject you, perhaps he'll get caught up in your emotions or vibes rather than your message—and you'll have created a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection.

When dealing with the straight world, though, remember that same-sex coupling still pushes a lot of buttons for many people. If you encounter actual head-on prejudice, know in advance that it probably has nothing to do with you directly, but is the result of a million preconceived ideas mixed with ignorance.

A LITTLE ADVICE

Part of the fun of getting married is telling people, but you might not always get the reaction that you had hoped for. Because of that, we suggest that, together, the two of you come up with a game plan to figure out—in advance—who you are and aren't going to tell, how you're going to tell them and what kinds of reactions you feel might be acceptable from
you
if you get any attitude. Be prepared for questions (and make sure you have some answers). For example, if you're coming out to your coworkers for the first time—
and
you're explaining that you have a lover—
and
you tell them that you're planning a wedding—
and
you invite them—of course you should expect them to throw a few questions your way. (And not just from straight friends; we've found that non-marrying gays can be just as curious about our choices and the reasons for them.)

On the other hand, don't be heterophobic; don't assume that just because someone is straight, he or she is going to be turned off by your ceremony. Nancy and Michele got married in the conservative, industrial New England town where Nancy grew up and where they now live. Nancy told us: “We decided that we wouldn't be reverse presumptuous about the local townspeople's possible prejudices. We wanted to support local businesses, and that's what we did. We went to the local photo lab with all of our slides; some of them were of us kissing. He didn't say a word. I think he was just thrilled to get the business.”

If you do decide to open up your commitment ceremony to the straight world, know that you're acting as ambassadors for same-sex couples. It's very possible that whomever you're talking with has never met an engaged lesbian or gay man. There are still some people, dare we say, who claim they have never knowingly spoken with a homosexual. This isn't to put a burden on you (no, you don't represent every gay and lesbian in the world; you are not Everyqueer), but to make you aware that with each transaction, you could be opening a door for other couples. And it's your chance to shatter right-wing stereotypes. As we said, no pressure.

The good news is that in many ways you are expected to behave just as any run-of-the-mill heterosexual couple would. You'd better believe that the wedding industry isn't made up of a bunch of starry-eyed merchants whose only goal is to help lovers fulfill their dreams. They're in the business of business: to make money—your money, your gay money. Remember, you're plunking down your cash for goods and services; no one is doing you a favor because you're gay. So be prepared with the facts, and approach each of the vendors you deal with in a professional manner.

Now, what if you run up against some of those less open-minded individuals or businesses, and actually experience discrimination? We won't lie to you; it does happen. Maybe you tell the baker you want two men on the top of the cake, and you're suddenly shown the door. Perhaps the hotel has plenty of available rooms for the date you ask about—until you tell them that it's a same-sex wedding; then, oh gosh, they're now all booked up for that date. Or maybe someone takes your money but gives you inferior service. What do you do?

First of all, be absolutely certain that you're not being overly paranoid. Maybe they're not discriminating against you for being gay; there are a wealth of reasons why people get bad service, you know. But let's say that you're sure. Now what? Well, of course you can confront the person, but remember what it is you want to get out of this situation. If a hotel doesn't want you there, do you really want to try to talk them into it? It's your call.

You may have legal recourse—but it's a
very
big
may.
According to Washington, D.C., attorney Craig Dean, “Unless your locality, county, or state has a human rights act on the books that specifically prohibits discrimination based on sexual orientation, you don't have a case.” Currently, twenty-one states ban discrimination based on sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

We decided to go all-gay because we didn't want any flack from anyone. So we only used gay merchants. And they were all so supportive. There were gay men and lesbians behind the counter saying how wonderful it is, and we got feedback from them. We really felt like we were part of this great, loving community.

—Mary

Some couples feel that it's both politically correct and socially responsible to put their money into gay-owned businesses. Okay, but how do you find gay businesses? Of course you can go online and search there. Another good source is the gay yellow pages, aka the Community Yellow Pages—local non-telephone-company-issued phone books that list businesses that cater to a gay clientele.
There is also an online national directory called
GayLesbianDirectory.com
, which gives numbers of services in areas ranging from Honolulu, Hawaii, to Dover, Delaware. Look through local gay periodicals (pay special attention to the classifieds) as well as night-life handouts. Call or write the gay and lesbian center nearest to where you live. Even if they're in a city a hundred miles away, they should be able to point you in the right direction. And, of course, don't forget word of mouth; ask around, because you never know what you might find.

Consumer Alert

ALTHOUGH THERE ARE good reasons to support gay-owned businesses, let the buyer beware.

The fact that a business is advertised in a gay publication or telephone book doesn't mean it's gay-owned or -operated. Some companies are merely “gay-friendly,” which means they welcome and acknowledge gay clients and really don't feel that sexual orientation is an issue. Other companies advertise in gay periodicals because it makes good business sense to cash in on gay and lesbian buying power.