The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn #3) (7 page)

I knew seasickness wasn’t the reason I felt the sudden urge to vomit. I had to be careful with what I said. “My friends didn’t know. They thought I left early and went back home. What happened was a one-night stand and nothing more. I never talked to him again after I left his room the next morning.” I cringed at my words. I thought telling Cole the truth the first time was painful. Even with months of perspective, I still felt god-freaking-awful admitting I had woken up in bed with a man who wasn’t him.

I may not have confessed to my friends about the Atlantic City gaffe, but I always knew I had to tell Cole. I had my issues, but I had a moral code. I wouldn’t have sex with another guy and run back into Cole’s waiting arms. I wouldn’t debase him in that way. I didn’t admit my unfaithfulness to Cole because I was afraid of getting caught—I had to tell him because I believed he deserved the truth. Maybe I couldn’t tell him the uncensored truth about that night, but he got enough of the story to realize I had broken every promise we made to one another.

Cole stood up from the chair and I saw a brief glimpse of sadness in his eyes as he spoke. “Something isn’t adding up, Casey.”

I coughed as I straightened up in my seat. “Why do you say that?”

“I’ve been over this in my head and none of it makes sense. You’re either protecting this guy or you’re trying to shelter me from the whole truth. I’m an adult. You can tell me what went on.”

I groaned over the thought of looking out for Justin. “Believe me. I’m not protecting the guy.”

“So, then why do I feel like you’re holding back? I just want a reason. A clear-cut answer on why you slept with someone else. None of the politician talk you’ve been feeding me. And although you’ve apologized and blamed yourself, you can’t seem to open up and provide an explanation.”

The acid released in a gradual trickle—corroding my heart slowly and torturously. “I don’t have one,” I said lamely.

His arms tightened at his sides and the veins in his neck pulsed as he tried to contain his anger. Finally, he said tersely, “Then I don’t know if we could be anything to each other. Because I know you. I know there’s more to you than you let most people see. And that Casey would’ve never so carelessly tossed aside what we were building without a reason.”

I tried to squeak out a response, but he was gone before I could form a single syllable. I watched him stalk off, my heart feeling like it was shriveling up and dying at the sight. I always managed to bungle up our relationship. Were some riffs too great to heal? I didn’t want to believe that, but I had to admit that Cole and I didn’t have the best odds.

I was afraid of the truth. The truth had turned into a dark shadow, lurking in every room corner. I tried to ignore it. I even tried to rewrite history in my brain. Nothing worked. The truth would haunt me until I finally gathered up the nerve to tell someone. And I had to eventually because I couldn’t withstand the pretending for much longer. The truth would be the only way I could find my way back to me.

Chapter Nine

Don't, don't you want me?
You know I can't believe it
When I hear that you won't see me.
Don't, don't you want me?
You know I don't believe you
When you say that you don't need me.
It's much to late to find
When you think you've changed your mind.
You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry.
Don't you want me, baby?
Don't you want me, oh?

“Now, how is this torture for Autumn when we are the ones who need to listen to her sing?” Delia shouted into my ear.

“Sorry. But it was either this or bingo. I chose the lesser of two evils,” I said with a shrug.

As part of the bachelorette experience, I signed up Autumn for karaoke at one of the ship’s bars. Each time her name was pulled, she had to drag up a different person on stage with her. We were on song three, a duet with Lexi, and I think Autumn’s drunken off-key singing was wearing thin on the audience already.

Antigua had been the next stop for the cruise and we had an amazing time on the island. Autumn, Delia, Lexi and I signed up for an open road jeep tour of the island and it was loads of fun. I needed the time away from Cole to have an amazing, goofy time with my girlfriends. The beach stop was gorgeous and I could have happily stayed floating on my rented raft for the rest of the vacation. With Cole out of sight, I could pretend he hadn’t stalked off angrily the night before.

The day had also given Lexi and me a respite from worrying about Autumn and Delia hearing about Thomas’s interview the following day. Lexi had pulled Blake aside the night earlier to give him the lowdown on what she heard from Finn. Blake said he picked up on rumors of Thomas being offered book and interview deals, but never thought his stepfather would go through with it. Blake was super protective of Autumn and Delia and likely wanted to strangle Thomas with his bare hands for dredging up the past. Thomas would definitely want to go into hiding once Blake got back from vacation. I wouldn’t want to get on the bad side of a pro quarterback.

Blake didn’t know if it was possible, but he wanted to keep the rest of the vacation untainted by Thomas. He’d tell Delia and Autumn once we arrived back to Puerto Rico since hearing that Thomas was spinning his web of lies on national TV would ruin Autumn’s party. Autumn would try to bounce back after hearing the news, but inside she’d be in pieces. In some cases, ignorance was truly bliss.

Autumn and Lexi finished their song and bounced over to our reserved table. “Please make it stop,” Autumn pleaded. “Flashing my boobs at strangers has to be less painful than this.”

“Nope,” I said with a dramatic shake of my head. “You told me to keep things PG, so this is the kind of activities I planned.”

Autumn dramatically pointed her finger at everyone seated at our table. “Just remember ladies, I’m the first to get hitched. You’re setting the bar, so I don’t want to hear any whining when it’s your turn to suffer the humiliation.”

“I don’t think my bachelorette party will be this elaborate,” Lexi said. “Everyone from back home just goes to a male revue for the night.”

Autumn furrowed her brow. “Was the cruise over the top? Is everyone having fun?”

“A free vacation with all-you-can-eat buffets and exotic tropical islands?” Lexi said rhetorically. “Please stop the torture you’re putting us through.”

Autumn let out a weighty sigh of relief. I felt for Autumn. There was a lot of guilt brewing inside her from accepting all the over-the-top gestures Blake tried to make. She had a deep-seated fear that Blake was going to great lengths to right the wrongs against her. She didn’t want Blake to feel like he needed to buy her love. He had her love before his pro football status and would have it no matter what the future brought.

Autumn scooted in next to me. “I definitely need more drinks to continue with karaoke, but I’m flagging myself. We’re touring Saint Lucia by sailboat and I don’t want to spend the day retching over the side.”

“I’ll sing next with you.” At my pronouncement, my friends burst out into laughter. “What?” I asked innocently.

“You don’t sing at karaoke. You rap… badly,” Lexi said.

“One time two years ago and I never hear the end of it,” I said with my eyes looking heavenward. “I’m much better now.”

“What, did Cole give you music lessons? Teach you how to sing?” Lexi asked with a smirk.

“No, but I think you need to be taught how to properly use innuendo,” I said while screwing up my face at her.

Lexi had noticed my time alone with Cole the night before and had relentlessly questioned me when we got back to our cabin. I gave Delia and Lexi an abbreviated version of what had happened and they spent most of the night speculating on Cole’s feelings toward me. Delia kindly offered to question Levi about his brother, but I begged her to keep quiet. Being rejected again and again by Cole was taking a toll on my already delicate sense of self-worth.

There was no denying I wanted Cole back. I wanted to leave the vacation with me in his arms and him in my bed. In an ideal universe, we’d go back to Fairfort and finally get our shot at a functional relationship. I could melt in the audience as I watched him on stage at each one of his gigs and he could cheer me on as I worked toward my master’s degree. In my head, we could be perfect together. But I knew my infidelity made that future unattainable. By now, he was likely joining his brother on the prowl and looking for some perfect ten to help him forget all about me.

The realist in me said even if Cole forgave me, the cheating would pollute whatever we tried to build. Cole could never trust me again. He’d always have that worry in the back of his head that I wouldn’t have the ability to remain faithful. There was zero possibility of that happening but with my track record, Cole wouldn’t see my promises as guarantees.

And what kind of future could we have if I were forced to constantly walk on eggshells? Any small slip, I’d be afraid he’d throw my mistake back in my face and I’d have to relive the humiliation.

So if I couldn’t move on with Cole, how did I start again? Why couldn’t I feel anything for anybody else? In six months, I’d been asked out on several different occasions and my response was an automatic and affirmative “no.” I couldn’t imagine touching another man, or kissing someone who wasn’t Cole. My body craved him and only him. My sex drive had gone from insatiable to zilch after one horrible night.

But then I saw Cole again and despite his initial dickish behavior, I felt the familiar desire for him return. My memories were evil entities living inside my head and forcing me to remember how carelessly his lips, his touch could bring me to the most earth-shattering climaxes I’d ever experienced.

Until a solution presented itself, my way of dealing with Cole was back to the old standard: avoidance. I hadn’t seen him in Antigua and dodged him at dinner. By the shuttered glances my way from Levi and Evan, I assumed they had heard I was back to being the bitch who broke their brother’s heart. A positive side of heading to the karaoke bar after dinner was that I doubted Blake and his macho crew would want to spend their night listening to amateurish singing.

My mission was merely to take each day as it came. Since tomorrow was a boat trip, I’d just find a spot on the clear other side from Cole. After our dust-up the night before, he was probably just as eager to keep his distance.

In all honesty, it was the day coming up next which had my stomach in knots. A stop in Barbados where we would be meeting up with Justin would require I not only dodge one guy, but two. Barbados was also our last island stop, so Autumn wanted a full day of relaxing together as a group on the beach. I couldn’t find a feasible way out of the excursion that didn’t involve downing as many raw oysters at dinner as possible and praying for food poisoning. Maybe my initial speculation that the cruise would be a vacation from hell wasn’t far off.

Chapter Ten

“Casey, are you sure that you’re okay?” Lexi spoke through the heavy door of our cabin’s bathroom.

“I’ll be okay,” I managed as I collapsed onto the floor. I folded my arms over the toilet seat cover and rested my head down on top of them. My legs remained tangled under me since the tiny bathroom didn’t leave room for me to sprawl out across the ground.

I’d been awake since four in the morning with the worst case of nausea and vomiting I could recall having in my entire twenty-two years. I figured it was my cosmic punishment for planning to eat bad seafood as a way to steer clear of Justin. Someone out there must have been listening to my prayers, but got the dates mixed up.

I hadn’t drunk a lot at the bar the night before so I doubted the sickness was alcohol-related. Despite the cruise line offering hand sanitizers at every buffet entrance, I wondered if I had picked up a foul stomach virus during one of my frequent visits. This couldn't possibly really be happening on the heels of me wishing for spoiled oysters. I tasted the irony of getting what I'd wished for along with the bile.

“Do you think you’re seasick?” Lexi called.

“No, I have the constitution of a sailor,” I yelled back stubbornly.

Lexi snorted. “Sailors have terrible health. Haven’t you ever heard of scurvy or dysentery?”

“Whatever. If you’ll be so kind to just leave me alone to die,” I cried miserably. “If you and Delia don’t leave soon, you’re going to miss the excursion around Saint Lucia.”

“I’m not going to leave you alone,” Lexi said fiercely.

Although my legs felt shaky, I managed to stand upright. I stole a glance in the mirror and shuddered at my reflection. Saying I looked like hell was putting it mildly. My hair was a frizzy mess pulled into a messy bun on the top of my head. My blue eyes were red-rimmed, weighed down by heavy bags. There was no way I could manage to endure a six-hour sailboat trip with an endless supply of suspect rum punch.

I pushed the door open and grimaced at Lexi. “I don’t think I can rally.”

Lexi looked concerned and put her palm on my forehead. “You don’t have a fever so that’s good. Do you want to see the ship doctor? I haven’t checked out his credentials, so you may be dealing with a physician who earned his degree online.”

I shook my head. Before I could elaborate, there was a knock on our door. Delia sidestepped around me to open the cabin door. Autumn hurried inside and looked me up and down with an agonized expression. “Delia just called to tell me you’re sick. I can go to the front desk and cancel the excursion.”

“No way,” I said in a rush. Autumn looked sailboat-ready with her adorable green sundress and sunglasses on top of her head. “You girls go. There’s no sense in everyone staying around here when I just plan to curl up in bed and sleep.”

“What if you need something? I can’t abandon you,” Autumn said, tapping her chin with her painted fingernails. She started making these sad little mews in the back of her throat and I could tell she’d stay by my bedside in a minute if I asked her.

Autumn and I would be best friends forever no matter what. At first, I’d been worried after Blake proposed. I never thought one of my friends would be getting married at twenty-two. I thought marriage and babies were in the way far-off future and something that would happen in at least ten years or so. What would Mrs. Autumn Preston be like? Could I fit into her world? She was marrying a man who had money and fame. Would her new life include shiny new friends?

But Autumn was down to earth and nothing would change that quality. She had kept her cool when fans approached Blake on the boat and during the island stops. She was always polite, but never seduced by Blake’s status. I appreciated that quality about her. My parents were ruled by money in their own ways and I never wanted to live that way. Managing and then eventually owning a restaurant wouldn’t likely sound ambitious to most people, but my career choices were never about how much money I’d end up with in my bank account at retirement.

“Autumn, if you and the girls don’t go on the trip, I will seriously feel more miserable than I already do. Please go and let me vomit in peace,” I said in a shaky voice.

Autumn’s nose twitched. “Are you sure? Maybe if at least one of us stays behind…”

“No, please. You’ve been looking forward to Saint Lucia since you started planning the cruise. I just want to sleep and hope that I’ll feel better so we can hang out later on tonight.”

Autumn looked to Delia and Lexi for assistance. I groaned at their torn expressions. “I’m just sick, not dying for chrissakes,” I said with mock grumpiness. I began to push the three of them in the direction of the door. “Go and have fun. You are not staying here with nothing to do but watch crappy TV. Take a lot of pictures. Don’t talk to strangers. And don’t agree to deliver any packages to the States.”

I gave Lexi a pointed look. Purposely, we’d been keeping Autumn busy in hopes that she wouldn’t catch a glimpse of Thomas on TV. Luckily, the cruise line only had a handful of channels and most of them showed movies around the clock. The few times the TV set had gone on, there had been nary a sight of Thomas. According to Finn, the TV interview would be live tonight, so keeping Autumn and Delia preoccupied was at threat level red.

“Okay, we’ll go then,” Lexi said. Autumn appeared ready to continue arguing, but Lexi took her by the arm. “Let’s leave Casey alone to rest. Plus, she might be highly contagious. We should actually pick up a few surgical masks while we’re out and about.”

“Thanks Lex,” I said sarcastically. I moped over to the bed and collapsed on it, and curled my legs into my chest. “Stop back when you’re done with the tour and I’ll try not to retch at dinner.”

My stomach revolted at the suggestion, but I was channeling mind over matter. Barbados was the day I wanted to lie low. Besides a day at sea after Barbados, there was very little time left on our trip. I didn’t want to waste too much time feeling like shit rolled over twice.

Reluctantly, the girls left while I fell onto my side in bed. I felt grimy in my old white tank top and gray Capri sweats, but I lacked the motivation to get changed. I only wanted to stay rolled into a little ball and mimic a potato bug. That was how I’d been feeling lately anyway. I’d needed to collapse into myself to hide from the pain. Maybe my hard shell would keep me from harm.

What was wrong with me? Instead of a vacation, I wished for a vacation from myself. I was fun before. I could laugh and party and be around men without feeling like an awkward weirdo. The fact that the cruise was part of Autumn’s bachelorette celebration was just an excuse for planning activities separate from the men. The truth was I didn’t feel that same comfort I used to around guys. I was the life of the party in college. I could flirt and tease. Although I loved my girlfriends, I appreciated the differences in the sexes. Men were straightforward and didn’t play the same games most women tended to. Of course, men were the reason women played those games, but I still thought I had a handle on the rules.

And although the breakup with Cole left a huge gaping hole in my heart, I had a feeling it was more than that. I felt broken. Like even if Cole gave me another shot and the splintered pieces of Casey came back together, they would only form a monstrous version of my former self. Would he even want the person I had become?

Being around Cole was screwing up my brain. It was making me scared that I could never recapture what the two of us had. Despite the stirrings of sexual attraction that had sprung to life when I saw Cole again, my lust had been otherwise dead for months. Unsuccessfully, I had tried to rummage around myself to locate the old Casey—the Casey who felt sexy and confident and seized her orgasm with fervor.

The new me felt tired and used up. Like I was a discarded rag doll whom no one would want. What if Cole did all of a sudden want me back? I had pictured the storybook elements: the reuniting kiss, the exchanging of heartfelt sentiments, the new future we built. But one element had been blatantly missing: the sex. I remembered his touch. I remembered the fire. But why couldn’t I picture having him take me to bed and igniting my blood once again? Cole was an incredible lover, always in tune with what I was in the mood for: tender, slow lovemaking or harder, more daring sex. Sometimes foreplay would last for hours while other times, he’d simply lift up my skirt and take me in an instant from behind. Each day we were together, Cole had satisfied me in every way possible. But why hadn’t I been able to give him what he needed in return?

***

I drifted off to a restless sleep and thankfully when I awoke I didn’t need to make a beeline to the bathroom. My stomach felt tight, but the nausea had mostly passed. I was shaky too since during early morning hours, the contents of my huge cruise meals had ended up in the toilet, and although I couldn't feel it yet, I was probably hungry.

Checking the clock, I saw only a couple of hours had passed since our party had gone ashore. I groaned in frustration because in my rush to get rid of my girlfriends, I forgot to tell them to leave me some food and water. The mini bar we'd raided the night before and was all but empty except a few bottles of beer. I couldn’t imagine beer would help provide any hydration after my vomit fest.

On shaky limbs, I managed to make it to the bathroom without collapsing. I splashed ice cold water on my face, felt better for exactly one minute and in that time I scrubbed down as much of myself as I could with a washcloth, and then brushed my teeth. I was clean but it took up most of my energy. I didn’t know if I could bear the trip to a bar or restaurant for sustenance. Not to mention, I was sure to scare the passengers since they were likely to mistake me for one of the living dead—at least I didn't smell anymore, but I was so pale, under my tan. In case I rallied later and decided to head out, I changed out of my tank top and Capri pants into a freshly laundered t-shirt and cotton shorts.

My body made the decision for me. I climbed back into bed and felt the energy seep out of me. I managed to reach for my cell phone on the nightstand to power it up. At the start of the week, I'd purchased a small web package through the cruise line to have limited access to Wi-Fi. Autumn told me to charge it to the room, but I had set up the account on my own. I was terrified of what our final bill would look like after all the expensive drinks we’d been downing like water. I had the distinct feeling Blake was going to offer to cover the bill and I’d have to figure out a way to force money on him. I could understand him wanting to treat his sister, and Delia had no issue with letting him, but I had enough cash to pay for my own drinks.

My cell phone service was painfully slow, but I was able to get online. After a brief survey of my emails, I found little of importance. My boss from the restaurant emailed me my schedule for the next week, a reminder that the real world was out there waiting and the vacation was flying by at warp speed. Also, I had a few registration reminders regarding my fall graduate courses. It was daunting to think about starting college once again, but I was giddy as well. I’d gotten all the bullshit courses out of the way and would actually take classes that would help my career.

My mom had emailed to check in. Following a paragraph of obligatory pleasantries, my mother had attached several selfies of herself in various dresses she was considering for an upcoming charity event. I was given clear instructions to send her back my top three picks in ranked order. I smiled, but then felt my grin slip. I appreciated my mom, but I wished I could call her right that second and pour my heart out. Tell her all my secrets, all my fears, and have her wash me clean of all my mistakes with a few soothing words.

But we didn’t have that kind of relationship and I was usually fine with it. But I wasn’t ready to tell my friends everything about Cole and Justin and I could have used a smattering of motherly advice. But I already knew what she’d say: Forget the struggling musician and snag the football player.

One of my deepest fears was that I would confess my truth about Justin and my mother would still tell me he was the better romantic choice. I didn’t want her to validate my own low opinion of myself. For so long, I truly felt like I deserved a man who would treat me like less than a person. I hated the consistent buzzing in my brain that reminded me that Cole was good for me. Swallowing hard, I closed the email without sending off a response. 

Launching my phone’s web browser, I typed in Thomas Bridges. The results made the burning in my gut return. There was link after link advertising his exclusive interview with a pseudo-journalist who was known for asking “the tough questions.” I made a disgusted sound in the back of my throat. More like she was known for giving the worst of humanity a platform to spew their hate to the masses. Allowing rapists and pedophiles to tell their side was permitting them to put their victims through more emotional torture.

I played the trailer for the interview, but besides a few sound bites from Thomas, it was mostly photographs of Blake in his Warriors uniform and then a few pictures of Autumn from high school. I cringed at seeing a few old Facebook photos that the media dug up on Autumn that her friends had posted after Autumn reported her sexual assault to the police. Autumn had spoken out against her high school’s hero coach and the small-town hadn’t taken well to it. In retaliation, they shared every sexy shot they could find of Autumn to paint her as a Lolita. With every sneak peek of her posing provocatively in short skirts and mid-drift tops, the media was saying, “She wanted it.” Slut shaming at its finest.