The Family You Choose (22 page)

Tatiana laughed. "Really? And your bed was
otherwise empty this week?"

"If that’s what you want, it can be."

"Why make this more complicated?" she asked
as she kissed him. "Can’t we just be happy with what this is?"

Alex kissed her back. "And you’re happy with
being in the shadows of Stephen’s life?"

Her eyes were sad. "No, I’m not."

"I wouldn’t make you stay there. I’d be happy
to tell everyone you were with me."

"It’s more complicated than that for Stephen,
isn’t it?"

"If he really wanted you, he’d make it less
complicated."

Tatiana sat up, her back to Alex. "I’m
guessing you know Stephen a little bit better than I do, don’t you
think?"

"In some ways."

She took a deep breath. "Then you know how
hard some things can be for him. You know he can get in his own way
sometimes. If we love him—and I think you do love him, despite
this—then don’t we have to give him time?"

"I do love him," Alex said truthfully. "But
does that mean I have to say no to this?"

"I’m not asking you too," she whispered. "I
just don’t want you to ask for more."

He turned her around to face him. "And this
makes you happy? You live in his shadow, and I live in yours? Is
that how you always pictured it?"

She shook her head sadly. "No one does, but
the thing you learn is to take what you can where you can. I have
you, and I have Stephen. You have Stephen, and you have me. And he
has us both. And right now it’s really the best we can do without
anyone getting hurt."

"But then none of us are ever going to have
more."

"It won’t stay like this forever," she said,
then looked away. "It can’t. I won’t let it."

"And...then what? Then you’ll choose between
me and Stephen? Why would you possibly choose me if Stephen gives
up everything else for you?"

"Because some things are good to give up.
Some secrets are good to let go of. But maybe it takes a little
time."

"I don’t understand."

"Then don’t understand, just trust me.
Please." She kissed him, and he would have agreed to anything that
she asked.

"So when will I see you again?" he asked
after she pulled away.

"When do you want to see me?"

"Right after you’ve seen Stephen. So you can
compare us. So you know I want you more, and I love you
better."

She smiled. "Isn’t that a bit childish?"

"If I have to be a secret, I’m going to be
childish."

"I see," she said, kissing him again. Then
she smiled. "You and Stephen are more alike than you think."

"Spare me the details."

They arranged to meet again next week, but
earlier in the week. He tried not to think about her, but it was
impossible. It was even harder when in the presence of other,
beautiful women who would have been perfectly satisfactory to him
otherwise. But now when he looked at them, all he could think of
the ways in which they didn’t measure up to her. Even the house
hunting, which had been so important to him, now only served to
annoy him. Only the thought that she might be in the house with him
someday motivated him to continue.

At the end of the week, Stephen invited him
over for dinner. Alex started to panic. Oh no, she’d told Stephen
already, without him. Fine, because now it was out in the open and
he could be with Tatiana, but he’d hoped he could preserve his
friendship with Stephen. Maybe he still could, but what was he
going to say?

When he arrived at the house, he was
surprised when the door opened. "Annabelle!"

"Hello, Alex," Annabelle said coolly.
"Stephen and Michael are outside in the yard. I’ll tell him you’re
here."

"Thank you," Alex said quickly. "It’s, uh,
good to see you. The last few times I’ve been here you’ve been
out."

"We’re nearing the date for the AIDS ball, as
I’m sure you know." She walked to the window and waved to Stephen
and Michael. She turned back to Alex. "And of course, what function
would be complete without Boston’s Most Eligible Bachelor?"

Alex laughed. "I suppose that’s some praise,
even in Boston."

"Perhaps you could vie for the honor
elsewhere, if Boston isn’t sufficient."

"But then I’d miss your company; you and your
family. How is your father, by the way?"

"Sweet of you to ask," she spat. "Getting on
in years, but he has his family."

"That’s good. And family can be such a
comfort. Tell him I send my regards when you see him."

"Of course, I know how fond dad is of you.
And Jim is doing very well, too. He’ll be at the benefit as well. I
expect he and Lucy will be extremely pleased to see you."

Alex smiled, but didn’t say anything.
Annabelle narrowed her eyes. Then Michael ran in, laughing. "Mom, I
caught all of dad’s pitches, but he only caught half of mine!" The
smile fell from his face when he saw Alex. "Oh. Hi, Alex."

"Michael, how many times have I told you to
be polite to adults? It’s ‘Mr. Sheldon,’ not ‘Alex.’"

"Oh, Anna!" Stephen said as he came in. He
gave his wife a kiss on the cheek, and Alex was surprised at the
affection Stephen exuded. "Let Michael show a little
age-appropriate familiarity, hmm?" Annabelle tried to scowl a bit,
but even annoyed by Alex’s presence, she kissed Stephen back.

Dinner at the Abbot home that night was the
same odd mix of frost and laughter that it usually was when Alex
was there. Annabelle forced genial conversation with Alex, and
Michael recounted the events of the week at school. The only time
he ever seemed remotely animated in Alex’s presence was when he
talked about Richard. Annabelle would stiffen even more. Alex
looked at Annabelle out of the corner of his eye at Richard’s
mention and tried to suppress a smile. But all three of them
brightened for Stephen.

Annabelle went to put Michael to bed after
dinner, and Alex nearly jumped out of his skin. "God, Steve, do you
think you’re being fair?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your pretty little mistress; the one who
thinks you’re giving all of this up for her."

Stephen poured himself a drink. "She must
have misunderstood," Stephen said, taking a sip. "That isn’t how
I—Just a minute." He put his drink down. "When did you see
Tatiana?"

"I ran into her when my realtor was showing
me around." He'd had that prepared for days.

"You’re looking at houses near me?"

"Yes," Alex answered truthfully. "I thought
it would be nice to get a place near yours. Although that might be
moot now."

"Alex, please." Stephen picked up his drink.
"Nothing’s going to change, alright?"

Alex felt the blood rush to his face. No, it
is. "Does she know that?"

"Does she know what?" Annabelle said as she
entered the room. She looked at the drink in Stephen’s hand, then
at Alex.

Stephen gripped his glass. Alex had never
seen him more frightened. "Does she—do you—know that I don’t have a
date for the benefit? I was just telling Stephen that I don’t think
I can go because I don’t have a date, and Stephen was just saying
that of course I could go, but I wanted to make sure that it was
okay with you if I went alone? Because I know you...like to see
people matched up. At these things. Don’t you?"

Stephen exhaled. Annabelle didn’t notice. "I
don’t care if you come without a date or not. Just bring your
checkbook, and I’m sure we’ll find someone for you to mingle
with."

"Okay. Steve, I guess you were right! Huh,
yeah you know your own wife better than I do, how about that?"

Stephen emptied his glass. "I think we’re
going to have an early night ourselves, Alex," Annabelle said,
clearly disappointed as she looked at her husband. "Sorry, I’m sure
you understand."

Alex looked at Stephen, who was looking away
and nodding absently. "Sure. Give me a call this weekend,
alright?"

Stephen and Annabelle walked Alex to the
door. Annabelle handed him his jacket.

"Sure. Maybe we can take Michael to the game
this weekend?"

"Sounds like a plan." He turned to Annabelle.
"Dinner was lovely. Pleasure to see you, as always."

"As always." Then she slammed the door.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" Michael asked
after he kissed Miranda when he walked in on Thursday night.
Without thinking about it, he was unbuttoning her shirt.

She wrapped her arms around him. "I don’t
know; maybe return some of these library books?"

"You should go out and do something," he said
just as he’d planned. "Go out to lunch, go shopping, or go see a
movie."

She smiled, pulling his belt off and then
pulling his shirt out. "Take me to a movie this weekend."

"Go shopping," he repeated, kicking off his
shoes.

"I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I don’t want
to spend any of my money, and I don’t want him to track it."

"I’ll give you some money," Michael said,
taking off his last shred of clothing.

Miranda kissed his chest. "I wouldn’t take
your money if it were a matter of life or death."

"You’re eating my food."

"Sorry, I’ll write you a check."

"The cleaning woman is coming by tomorrow,"
Michael said suddenly, kissing her neck and then chewing on her
ear. "She comes sort of late, I think from four to six. I mean, you
can be here, but-"

"Then she might not get all of the crumbs,"
Miranda laughed softly, and Michael remembered how much he had
always wanted her when they were growing up. He grabbed the back of
her head and kissed her, forgetting everything else he was supposed
to say.

They were spooning a few hours later. He knew
she was smiling. He was smiling too, but he didn’t want to be. She
curled her fingers around his and kissed them, then pulled them to
her chest.

He closed his eyes. "What would you call
this?"

"Call this?" she repeated sleepily.
"What?"

"This," he repeated. "If you had to put a
name to this, what we’re doing right now."

"Um, sex? Afterglow?" she said, tired and
confused.

"Is that it?" he said, hoping the darkness
and her exhaustion would conceal his desperation.

She put her other hand on his waist. "What
would you call it?" But before he could answer, she had drifted off
to sleep.

~~~

Reluctantly, she took some of his money on
Friday, but insisted on writing him a check in exchange. Alex
seeing a record of Michael cashing a check that she wrote to him
wasn’t going to be news.

His kisses, his touch, were rough that
morning. She was confused, but then gave it back. That seemed to
take him by surprise, and then he softened. She smiled as she had
that whole week, and happily followed his orders to go back to
sleep when he left.

She left his house at twelve and went to
lunch at the new salad place at the Pru, then took the train to see
that stupid movie that had just come out at the Tremont Theater.
Yeah, she was glad that she was seeing this without him, because
while they had shared more than she had thought she would ever
share with anyone, she didn’t think her ego could handle having
anyone know how lowbrow her sense of humor could be.

The movie got out at five-thirty. She went
back to the Pru and went into Victoria’s Secret. Twenty minutes
later, she’d picked out something black that she thought Michael
might appreciate. She looked at her watch. Six forty-five. Michael
should be home by now.

She practically skipped back to his house and
smiled when she saw that the lights were on. She turned the key and
opened the door just in time to see Michael jump off the couch,
with his shirt un-tucked. Still on the couch was a blonde girl
right about her age, her shirt half-unbuttoned, and her lipstick
smeared.

Miranda nodded. It all made sense now. "Uh,
Miranda," Michael said, tucking his shirt into his pants. "I didn’t
think…"

"You never do, that’s not a surprise. And I
guess neither is this." She tossed the keys in his face, and then
tossed the Victoria’s Secret bag at the blonde. "You can have that
sweetheart; maybe he’ll like it on you." Then she walked back onto
the street and to the Copley Train Station. At eight o’clock, she
got to Zainab’s apartment, and by eight-fifteen she was fast
asleep. And she didn’t shed one tear.

The third time Alex met Tatiana, they didn’t
speak until after they’d been with each other for an hour. They
didn’t have to for Alex to know that Tatiana had missed him as much
as he’d missed her.

He kissed her shoulder. "I’m not going to
wait a week before I see you again."

"I don’t want that either."

"And I can’t share you with Stephen anymore,"
Alex said, closing his eyes and resting his head on her back. "He’s
not going to leave Annabelle, and I almost wish he was. He’s too
weak, Tatiana. He can’t give up what he has now, even if what’s
waiting for him is so much better."

"Please don’t call him weak," Tatiana said.
Alex could hear the tears in her voice, and he knew she’d been
thinking it too. "He’s a good man, Alex. He has a good heart. He
doesn’t want to hurt people. Don’t call him weak for that."

"He should be strong for you." Alex kissed
her. "I want to be strong for you. I’ll tell the whole world I love
you. I’ll put you first before everyone else. I’ll make you happy,
and not just once a week. I’ll put the world at your feet, darling.
Just let me. Just choose me."

And now the tears came. Alex held her while
she cried. "He’s not worth this. I’ve loved him longest and I know
why you’d love him. But if you’re not first for him, he’s not worth
it."

"Would you really love me if I could just
turn it off and on for other people? Is that what you want for
us?"

Alex shook his head. "No. I don’t think you
could. I don’t think you’re like that." More kisses. "And I don’t
think you’re like that with me."