The Fantastic Family Whipple (41 page)

MOST POISON DARTS DODGED IN A SINGLE GAME OF EXTREME HOPSCOTCH:
73

Held by Beatrice Whipple.
To prevent antidote-hoarding, the antitoxin is now distributed after all competitors have completed their runs.

FIRST EVER BLINDFOLDED ROUND OF MOTHER/CHILD KNIFE THROWING

Held by Fannie “Infanticide” Jenkins, Unsafe Sports Showdown XI.
(Donations to the Timothy Jenkins Memorial Fund may be sent to the World Record Archives offices and will be forwarded to the proper address.)

FASTEST ROCKET-KART RACE FINISH:
49.583 SEC.

Held by Rupert Goldwin.
If not for the rule that the driver be alive upon crossing the finish line, the record would have gone to Leonard “Flash” Fletcher for his unbelievable time of 26.392 seconds. RIP Leonard “Flash” Fletcher.

MOST WOODEN ARROWS SPLIT IN COMPETITION OVER LIFETIME OF ARCHER:
2

Held by Peter “Re-Pete” Fluke.
Despite Mr. Fluke’s persistent claims that he had trained for years to execute such a feat, no member of the archery community has ever accepted the accomplishment as more than a mere stroke of luck.

MOST CONSECUTIVE PENNY-FARTHING STUNT-PARK GOLD MEDALS:
4

Held by Henry Whipple (for Unsafe Sports Showdowns XXIII–XXVI).
There is no doubt that Henry Whipple has earned every stunt park gold medal he has won. It surely hasn’t hurt, however, that six of the eight other medalists from those competitions have wound up severely debilitated or even comatose from the horrific training accidents common to the sport, thereby somewhat limiting his competition.

FIRST ENTRANT EVER TO COMPLETE THE PENNY-FARTHING STUNT PARK WITH AN ARROW LODGED IN HIS BODY

Held by Henry Whipple at Unsafe Sports Showdown XXVII.
The last entrant to have an arrow lodged in his body had not actually completed the event, due to loss of blood. The Unsafe Sports planning committee had scheduled an emergency meeting to discuss moving the foot archery event to a more remote location, but just before the meeting was to take place, the head of the committee had been struck by a stray arrow himself, and the meeting had been canceled.

FIRST LEATHER WHIP:
132 A.D.

Invented by Tergus Acerbus.
After experimenting with various whip-making substances, including lambswool, peacock feathers, and dried grass, Tergus Acerbus finally arrived at tanned cowhide as being the most durable—and painful—material for whip production.

WORLD’S QUIETEST NOISEMAKER:
.6 DBA

Manufactured by No-Noise Toys.
Voted “Best Toy Company on Earth” by the League of Curmudgeonly Neighbors.

FIRST NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

Held by Tranquil Towers, Sea-scale, England.
Upon its opening, Tranquil Towers held a second world record, for Cleanest, Safest Radioactive Energy Producer on the Planet. That record, however, was short-lived.

FIRST NUCLEAR REACTOR LEAK

Held by Tranquil Towers, Sea-scale, England.
Promptly renamed to “Mostly Tranquil Towers” after the incident.

WORLD’S LONGEST SMOKING PIPE:
38 FT., 2 IN.

Produced by Hector del Humo, Córdoba, Spain. In the private collection of Charles & Eliza Whipple.
Commissioned by Mr. Whipple’s father, under the claim that “the longer the pipe, the more distinguished the man.”

FIRST WALL TO SURPASS 5,000 MILES IN LENGTH

Held by the Great Wall of China (at 5,500.254 miles).
The Great Wall, which spans nearly the full width of China, was gradually built over more than two millennia to be the ultimate defense against foreign invaders. Upon its completion at the start of the 17th century, China’s rulers could breathe easily at last. In a cruel twist of fate, however, the capital city of Beijing was promptly sacked by an army of rebellious peasants—all of whom were resident Chinese citizens. Unfortunately for the old rulers, the giant wall they had built made it much harder for them to flee their now-hostile homeland, and they were all summarily executed.

LONGEST WALL EVER BUILT:
5,501.102 MILES

Held by the Greatest Wall of China.
Not to be outdone by his predecessors, the Kangxi Emperor (Longest-Reigning Chinese Emperor in History) commissioned the Greatest Wall near the start of the Qing Dynasty to overshadow the ancient Great Wall. The two walls run side-by-side across the country—but the Greatest Wall stretches roughly one mile farther.

LARGEST STRUCTURE CONSTRUCTED SOLELY FROM STANDARD PLAYING CARDS:
12′4″ X 6′ X 13′ 8″ (63,482 CARDS), “ARC DE TRIOMPHE” (
¹
⁄
₁₂
TH SCALE)

Constructed by Cordelia Whipple.
Despite its lack of adhesives or fasteners, Miss Whipple’s playing-card structure can support the weight of an entire rugby team without significant structural damage—but might be completely leveled by a stiff breeze.

WORLD’S FIRST BIRTHDAY CANDLE:
AUGUST 12, 1808

Invented by Diedrich Luftlippen.
Herr Luftlippen originally devised the idea for the birthday candle in order to win a bar bet, in which he was wagered a hundred Deutschmarks that he couldn’t get a roomful of party guests to eat a cake with someone else’s spit all over it.

WORLD’S LARGEST GET WELL CARD:
10′ 8″ X 1′4″ (OPEN)

Made by Cordelia, Penelope, Edward, Charlotte, Lenora, Franklin, Abigail, Beatrice, George, and Ivy Whipple for Phoolendu Mahankali (a.k.a. the Panther-Man of Pandharpur) and their elephant, Shiva.
The Whipple children were careful to grip the card tightly upon presenting it to Mr. Mahankali, so as not to repeat the incident with the former Largest Get Well Card, whose recipient (a Mrs. Constance Aiken) was forced to spend six more weeks in intensive care when her children forgot to wipe their hands after eating buttered toast.

FIRST MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR EVER ASSEMBLED:
1916

In the private collection of Lâo Bàoyuàn.
Originally devised by military engineers during the Lesser World War, as a method of getting wounded soldiers back onto the battlefield as quickly as possible.

FIRST JET AEROPLANE: 1937, THE “DERRING DART”

Engineered by Sir Frank Derring.
A compulsive gambler (as nearly every jet pilot after him has proved to be), Sir Frank had the misfortune of living a hundred miles from the nearest casino and
invented the First Jet Aeroplane to get himself to the roulette tables in the fastest conceivable time.

FIRST SUPERSONIC JET:
1946, THE BOLT XLR-8, MANUFACTURED BY BOLT AVIATION

Piloted by Commander Chance “Zippy” Keen.
Also a compulsive gambler, Commander Keen piloted the First Supersonic Jet to get himself to the roulette tables just a little bit faster.

TALLEST AUTOMOBILE ON EARTH:
11 FT., 9 IN., TOWERING SHADOW TTT

Manufactured by the Hulls-Hoyst Motor Company. Commissioned and owned by Charles & Eliza Whipple.
The Hulls-Hoyst Motor Company was formed when the Hulls Engine and Hoyst Ladder companies merged in 1907. It has remained the leader in the luxury oversized-motor-car market ever since.

THICKEST TREE LIMB EVER RECORDED:
12 FT., 9 IN. DIAMETER

Held by “Thor’s Arm,” a branch on the giant sequoia “Thunder God.”
Ironically, the limb was severed by a lightning strike during Lightning Storm Larry, the Most Powerful Lightning Storm in Recorded History.

YOUNGEST PERSON TO SUMMIT KANCHENJUNGA (WORLD’S THIRD-HIGHEST MOUNTAIN):
4 YRS., 5 MOS., 28 DAYS OLD

Held by Edward Whipple.
“Though the climb up was rather grueling, sliding down was much more fun,” Edward reported after completing the descent.

YOUNGEST INDIVIDUAL TO LIVE A MONTH WITH A WOLF PACK (VOLUNTARY):
4 YRS., 11 MOS., 12 DAYS

Held by Abigail Whipple.
In a never-before-documented oddity of wolf behavior, the pack leader seemed to offer Abigail a permanent place in the pack. She was, however, forced to decline, citing “interspecies differences,” though not without tears.

WORLD’S OLDEST LIVING MAPLE TREE:
534 YRS.

Held by “Old Sweet Bruce,” a
sugar maple in Pelham, Ontario, Canada.
Heavily armed Mounties are stationed around Old Sweet Bruce twenty-four hours a day to ward off syrup-smugglers.

LARGEST EVER EXPEDITION TO SOUTH POLE VIA ICE CREAM VAN:
26 VANS

Sponsored by the Freezy-Creemy Ice Cream Company. Expedition led by Alfred Peregrine Congelati.
The expedition hit an unexpected snag when its leader realized a group of stowaway children had left the transport ship and instinctively proceeded to chase after the ice-cream-van convoy as it ventured across the icy wasteland. The expedition was forced to double back in order to return the children to the safety of the ship. Though many of the stowaways suffered from severe frostbite, all of them claimed the journey was worth it, as they were each given a Choco-Rocket in return for their troubles.

MOST CHILDREN SWALLOWED BY A SINGLE FOREST:
38

Held by the Black Forest, Germany.
Some observers have wondered why anybody would choose to live near such a dangerous place for children, but local parents have been known to use its reputation as a highly effective scare tactic. As such, children in the Black Forest region have been certified to keep the Cleanest Rooms of Any Region on Earth.

LARGEST COMMON HOUSEFLY EVER RECORDED:
²⁵
⁄
₃₂
IN. LONG

Captured in the wild by Penelope Whipple (who narrowly rescued it from her brother George’s attempt at the Most Flies Swatted in One Hour).

TALLEST DOG IN THE WORLD:
45
¹³
⁄
₁₆
IN.

Held by Hamlet, a Great Dane in the care of the Whipple family.
Though he and Shiva, the World’s Largest Indian Elephant, are fond friends, Hamlet received a nasty shock when he mistook one of Shiva’s tusks for one of his oversized chewing bones. He has not made the same mistake since.

FIRST ANIMAL IN SPACE:

Held by Boris the bear, Leningradsky Zoopark, Leningrad, USSR. Carried aboard Sputnik 2
¹
⁄
₂
,
launched by Soviet Space Program.
Though the capsule contained only a few days’ worth of food and oxygen, and though it has been confirmed with near certainty that Sputnik 2
¹
⁄
₂
burned up in Earth’s atmosphere three weeks after launch, Soviet officials insist that Boris is still orbiting the earth and conducting “extensive outer space research.” Indeed, whenever a shooting star crosses the sky, Russian fathers routinely raise their arms in salute and tell their children to “wave to Boris.”

WORLD’S SMALLEST MOOSE:

26 LBS., 7 OZ. (FULL GROWN)

Held by Little Monty, a pygmy moose on exhibit at the Anchorage Animal Refuge of Alaska, until his untimely death. Taxidermal remains in the private collection of Charles & Eliza Whipple.
Unfortunately for Little Monty, one of the other animals on exhibit was the World’s Largest Eagle.

WORLD’S LARGEST MOUSE:

11 LBS., 2 OZ.

Held by Big Stanley, the cheese thief of New South Wales. Taxidermal remains in the private collection of Charles & Eliza Whipple.
The date of Big Stanley’s capture is still celebrated as “End-of-Tyranny Tuesday” in cheese shops across southeastern Australia.

HIGHEST HAMSTER-PILOTED MODEL-ROCKET LAUNCH EVER RECORDED:
1,732 FT.

Rocket built by Simon and Cordelia Whipple. Hamster training and rocket launch by Cordelia and Abigail Whipple. Piloted by Corporal Whiskerton, a hamster in the care of the Whipple family.
Corporal Whiskerton is currently undergoing therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder.

MOST FIREFLIES EMPLOYED IN SPELLING OUT A FLOATING MESSAGE:
2,591

Insect-wrangled by Penelope Whipple.
(Message: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!) The art of firefly wrangling is notoriously
difficult, as all training must take place at night, in order for the trainer to see her performers—and to comply with the strict firefly-labor laws recently initiated by the SPLI (Society for the Protection of Luminous Insects).

WORLD’S CREAMIEST COW:
5.24% AVERAGE MILK FAT

Held by “Ample” Agnes, a Jersey cow in the care of Charles & Eliza Whipple.
The Whipples have reported several attempts by so-called cream fiends to steal their prized cow, but the suspects have all been quickly captured due to the slow foot-speed, shortness of breath, and difficulty squeezing through car doors that is commonly attributed to cream addicts.