The Fantastic Family Whipple (43 page)

MOST SHOES COBBLED UNDERCOVER IN A SINGLE NIGHT:
104

Held by Santino Scarpa (a.k.a. the Little Shoe Saint).
Identified only by the signature “S†S” etched into the sole of every shoe he cobbled, the Little Shoe Saint ended his covert cobbling career suddenly and without explanation seventeen years after his mark first began turning up overnight in the shops of struggling shoemakers. (The timing of his disappearance, it may be noted, does happen to coincide with a certain incident, in which Barnaby Shelton, owner of Shelton’s Fine Shoes & Shotguns, was awoken by strange noises and ventured downstairs to find a diminutive intruder rifling through his workshop. Shelton managed to get a shot off, but the mysterious man promptly jumped through a window and vanished, heavily bleeding, into the night.)

WINNINGEST LEGAL TEAM IN THE WORLD:
98.4% OF TOTAL CASES WON

Held by the offices of Bleader & Leach.
Unfortunately, many of Bleader & Leach’s clients have been acquitted, only to be forced into a life of crime in order to pay off the firm’s record-breaking fees.

HEAVIEST LOAD OF STOLEN CAVIAR SEIZED BY LAW ENFORCEMENT:
1,138 LBS., 2.6 OZ.

Seized from the possession of Samuel (Sammy “the Spatula”) Smith. Seizure orchestrated by
Chief Inspector Hadrian Ulysses Smudge.
Mr. Smith’s contraband caviar would likely have gone undetected by law enforcement had his mouth not been full of the stuff when Chief Inspector Smudge turned up unannounced to question him. Sammy promptly choked, and the next moment, Smudge was wiping irrefutable evidence off his own face.

MOST SOLVED CRIMINAL CASES IN HISTORY:
1,104

Held by Inspector Hadrian Ulysses Smudge.
Inspector Smudge got his start in crime-fighting when he reported a woman for taking one more parsnip than she had paid for at the local market. After being released from jail five days later, his mother finally forgave him.

YOUNGEST MURDERESS TO ESCAPE FROM PRISON:
11 YRS., 254 DAYS OLD

Held by “Mean” Mina Morton.
Convicted of murdering five members of the motorcycle gang the Demon Dogs, after they allegedly laughed at her pink bicycle. Miss Morton left a note in her cell claiming she’d escaped to “finish the job.” The remaining Demon Dogs are now believed to be in the United States Witness Protection Program.

WORLD’S YOUNGEST CRIME-SOLVING SLEUTH:
12 YRS., 54 DAYS

Held by Skip “Naptime” Nelson.
Though Skip had solved many household mysteries throughout his early years, such as “The Mystery of the Empty Ice Cream Carton” and “The Mystery of the Older Sister’s Locked Diary,” it wasn’t until after his twelfth birthday that he solved his first actual crime, when he single-handedly apprehended the “Seven Counties Axe-Slayer.”

MORE SUCCESSFUL ARRESTS PER MEMBER THAN ANY OTHER LAW ENFORCEMENT UNIT ON THE PLANET:
582 ARRESTS PER MEMBER PER YR.

Held by the Commissioner’s Execution Squad.
The Commissioner’s Execution Squad was first assembled to track down and arrest Matthew Murky and
the Murky Water Gang, who, after carrying out the Largest Bank Robbery in History, had evaded capture for forty-six days by escaping into the sewers. In under twenty minutes on the job, the Execution Squad recovered the missing loot and dragged out eight of the fourteen robbers alive. The other six robbers they simply dragged out.

MOST SUSPECTS TERMINATED WHILE RESISTING ARREST BY A SINGLE LAW ENFORCEMENT UNIT:
379 TERMINATIONS PER MEMBER PER YR.

Held by the Commissioner’s Execution Squad.
*
This second record has led to the Execution’s Squad’s unofficial motto: “You can’t scramble up the rotten without breaking a few bad eggs.”

WORLD’S YOUNGEST LIVING MONARCH:
6 YRS., 143 DAYS OLD

Held by His Royal Highness Grand Duke Frederik Henri Albért Gabriel Félix Marie Guillaume the Second of Luxembourg.
Crowned when he was only four years old, after his widower father and his two elder brothers all died suddenly and mysteriously in the span of two months. The little grand duke was eventually cleared of all charges.

MOST AWARDS PRESENTED IN A SINGLE DAY:
793

Held by the Academy of Qualified Award-Givers.
After securing the world record, the academy hosted a special awards dinner where its members took turns presenting the award to one another and giving acceptance speeches. (It is still unclear which item of food it was that caused the audience’s outburst of spontaneous vomiting.)

HIGHEST NUMBER OF TROPHIES EVER RECEIVED BY A LAW-ENFORCEMENT AGENT:
402

Held by Inspector Hadrian Ulysses Smudge.
When home from his
travels, Inspector Smudge has been known to leave his outer trophy-room door ajar as a way of attracting dull-witted thieves whom he might catch in the act and haul off to jail, thereby increasing his record for Most Solved Criminal Cases in History.

LARGEST GARDEN PARTY EVER HOSTED AT A SINGLE-FAMILY RESIDENCE:
1,853 GUESTS

Held by Charles & Eliza Whipple, for their 18th Annual Whipple Family Birthday Extravaganza. Party planning by Gordon Carouser.
After attending more parties than classes during his time at school, Gordon Carouser became the First Person to Ever Prove His Parents Wrong by Turning Party-Going into a Successful Career.

LARGEST GATHERING OF DWARVES AND GIANTS:
4,302

Held by the 8th Annual Exceptional-Size Awareness Expo. Hosted by the Global Guild of Dwarves & Giants.
Though the turnout surpassed all expectations, the event had limited success in actually raising exceptional-size awareness, as all the attendees were exceptionally sized themselves.

WORLD’S LARGEST ALLIANCE OF TRADE ORGANIZATIONS:
14.2 MILLION MEMBERS

Held by the World Record-Breakers Union.
First established in 1826 to combat the often deplorable working conditions in the factories of the day, which sought to break records for productivity at the cost of their workers’ health and well-being. Despite the record-breaking size of the union’s current membership, only about 6% of its members are actual record breakers.

LARGEST DWARF-ONLY CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION:
1,200 ESTIMATED MEMBERS

Held by the Dwarven Brotherhood.
With four out of five of the organization’s members currently living within the prison system, fellow inmates live in perpetual fear of the Dwarven Brotherhood’s brutal knee-cappings, vicious femoral-artery slicings, and sadistic groin-punches.

MOST MONEY RAISED BY A CLOWN FUNDRAISER:
$2,118 US

Held by the 4th Annual World Clown Day. Organized by the International Brotherhood of Circus & Party Clowns.
Though it did manage to set a record for charitable contributions to a clown organization, the final figure fell far short of the fundraiser’s $500,000 goal.

FIRST CLOWN TO UNICYCLE AROUND THE GLOBE WHILE JUGGLING

Held by Kevin “Spokes” McGee.
It has not yet been determined whether Mr. McGee’s deteriorating mental state was caused or merely exacerbated by his grueling global trek. Sadly, Mr. McGee ignored several recommendations that he see a psychiatrist upon his return home.

MOST PEOPLE STRANGLED TO DEATH WITH A NOVELTY BOW TIE:
3

Held by Kevin “Spokes” McGee.
*
Tragically, McGee strangled his wife and young son before turning the bow tie on himself.

MOST ARROWS REQUIRED IN EXECUTION BY FOOT ARCHERY:
246

Held by Shumei Nao (convicted in 1208 of dumpling-smuggling at the Manchu Han Imperial Feast and punished in the traditional manner)
.

MOST CORPSES PREPARED AND BURIED IN A SINGLE DAY:
26

Held by Obediah Digby Lowe.
Mr. Lowe graciously donated his services in the wake of the tragic “Harlequin Glue Factory Massacre,” the Deadliest Glue Factory Horse Revolt in History.

WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE COFFIN
: £375,000

Designed by Richard Bawkes. Commissioned by the fifth and final Lord Grubber, who converted his riches to gold coin and had his extravagant coffin filled
with them upon his death.
His headstone read simply:
You
CAN
TAKE IT WITH YOU
. But although he was right about taking his wealth with him, he was proved unable to
keep
it with him—due to persistent grave robberies. Lord Grubber’s remains now lie in an otherwise empty pine box.

MOST BLOOD COLLECTED FROM EXSANGUINATED CORPSES IN ONE YEAR:
4,088 GALLONS

Collected by Jules Drayner.
Notoriously disorganized in all things but the actual exsanguination process, Mr. Drayner never bothered to purchase a suitable receptacle for the product of his work and was forced to collect it in various tin cans and glass jars, which he stored on shelves and bookcases throughout his home. Needless to say, he never married.

SHORTEST TIME AFTER DEATH TO PREPARE & BURY A SINGLE CORPSE:
47 MIN.

Held by Gideon Balmer.
Mr. Balmer was awarded the “Still-Warm Heart” by the International Undertakers Society for the selfless dedication and exceptional expediency he displayed in the burial of his mother-in-law.

LONGEST TIME SPENT IN A BODY BAG BY A LIVING INDIVIDUAL (INADVERTENT):
34 HRS., 52 MIN.

Held by Serena “Silent-Sleeper” Spralls.
Fortunately for Ms. Spralls, a night watchman finally heard her cries just before dawn during his last rounds at the city morgue.

To my family and friends: thanks for your amazing, bordering-on-unreasonable supportiveness—especially to those of you who let me sleep at your house for a year or three, and those of you who lent me money despite the historically dire repayment rate of struggling novelists, and those of you who were always eager to read more of the story, even if some of you grew three inches taller between chapters. (And thanks specifically to my wife’s family for not kidnapping her when she announced I was going to quit my job and sell our house to “try and be a writer.”) If not for all your help and encouragement, dear family, this book would not exist (and would now vanish before your eyes in three, two, one)….

To my mom: thanks for being a rabid fan of all my endeavors—and for not letting me not finish the endeavors I start (however much I may grumble about it at the time).

To my dad: thanks for encouraging and inspiring me to be creative for as long as I can remember—though I’m afraid I will never re-create the magic of your legendary “Boy & His Daddy” stories.

To my brother, Jake: thanks for giving me the appreciation for competitive sport essential to the Whipples’ world—and for sitting through all my school plays when you probably would rather have been out kicking a ball. (Then again, you now know all the lyrics to
Les Misérables
, and I know all the current standings
for the Barclays Premier League. I think they call that a win-win.)

To my sister, Courtney: thanks for being a Whipple fan from the start. And thanks for always believing in me, even when I don’t quite believe in me. There will always be a cushion on our couch reserved for you. (Just not the one I’ve worn the groove into. That one’s mine. Sit on it at your peril.)

To all the dearly departed writers who created worlds from which I myself never wanted to depart (e.g., C.S. Lewis, T.H. White, E. Nesbit, Roald Dahl, Howard Pyle, Arthur Conan Doyle, Joan Aiken, Dr. Seuss): thanks for showing me what wonder looks like. Hope they have “meet the author” events in Writer Heaven. (Also, hope they let me into Writer Heaven.)

To all the living writers who have done the same: sorry if my hands shake a bit if I ever get to meet you before we get to Writer Heaven. (Fingers still crossed about Writer Heaven.)

To Kathy Treat, Carolyn Ebner, Amy Cordileone, and everyone at the Lincoln City Fellowship: thanks for carrying me in the end, so I could cast the ring into the fires of Mount Doom (so to speak).

To my agents, Laura Rennert and Lara Perkins: thanks for your constant support and your amazing skills in the arts of both business and, well, art. Laura, thanks for believing in the book when it was only 72 pages long—and for sticking with it when it was 650. Lara, thanks for the inspiring story chats and for the voodoo magic you worked on the manuscript so that it is not still 650 pages long.

To my editors, Ben Schrank and Gillian Levinson, my designer, Danielle Delaney, my illustrator, James Gilleard, and everyone at Penguin/Razorbill: thanks for turning my ridiculous pipe dreams into beautiful book reality. Ben, thanks for taking a chance on
Arthur Whipple and me, despite our glaring recordlessness. Gillian, thanks for making the book better with every pass and for your astounding ability to keep track of the story when I can hardly keep track of it myself.

To my boys, Henry and Miles: thanks for making the world a truly magical place. Henry, thanks for all the times you’ve told me to “stop working, Daddy,” so we could go wrestle or make waffles or play invisibility cloak. You are one extraordinary kid, and there is nothing that makes me prouder or happier than being your dad. Miles, at the time I write this, I haven’t quite met you yet (apart from a few transbelly high-fives), but it somehow feels as though you’ve been with us all along. I can’t wait to show you around this fantastic world of ours—and promptly sign you up for the Ward wrestling team.