The First Book of Calamity Leek (20 page)

‘Evita likes roasting things,' Sandra said.

‘Also Fornication. I forgot that. Their Obsession with
Fornication is constant. And Fornicating Magazines. Which are things they look at while sharpening their Thrusting Tools. Which is what Fornication means, Eliza, if you don't know it yet. It means they are Obsessed with Thrusting. That's all their brains were made for – telling their Tools to Thrust females to death. They would Thrust their Fire inside females all day and all night if they could. Matter of fact, Annie, did you see him walk?'

‘Of course, Clam.'

‘And was there a Thrusting stride to it?'

‘Like what?'

‘Like a cockerel maybe?'

‘No.'

‘You sure you looked proper?'

‘Yes, Clam. He was picking mushrooms.'

Well, that took a moment's thinking on.

‘Curious,' I said. ‘Certainly cunning. A demonmale's disguise is various and happen it might involve mushrooms. But you said, mighty foolish though you were, Annie, you spoke to him?'

Annie was back to swirling her fingers in the sawdust mound.

‘Did he listen up? Only them Never Listening to a Female is another sign.'

Annie sighed. ‘You know, he really doesn't sound like all these things you're saying. I mean, I don't remember seeing one Indicator. First off, he jumped when he saw me. Like he was the scared one.'

‘But Annie, demonmales are not known for any quick manner of movement unless they are chasing a ball. Are you sure about that? Try to remember it proper.'

‘From the beginning,' Dorothy said.

Annie sighed. ‘All right. I was heading away from the Wall and not ten minutes out, I stepped into a clearing. There's a tumbled tree with its roots stuck up like chicken feet and a spread of moss around it. Well, he was there, rummaging in the moss and he heard me, and he turned and jumped back and said, “Jesus! Who the hell are you?”'

‘Well, there you go, Annie. An Indication of Demonic Inquisition right there. A clever trick – playing scared – but he gave himself away with this question.'

‘He jumped back, but I didn't move forward, so he calmed down and called over, “Sorry, you gave me a shock.” And I shouted, “Sorry” and, “Are you an injun?” And he said “What?” and he began to walk towards me. He walked slow as a cat. And here's the funny thing, sisters, and I can't tell you why, but I wasn't scared.'

Annie looked up and smiled. And that simplebrained baby sat in Sunny danger came shooting back to me. And all my skin shivered to think on it. ‘You let him come up to you, Annie? Are you a total loonhead?'

But Annie kept on talking like she hadn't heard me.

‘“Sorry,” he said, coming up – he's quite tall, you know, sisters – “I never expect anyone to come out here,” he said. “Well, you've come, obviously. Um, sorry, did you just ask me if I was an engine?” And he smiled – it was something nice and neat and wondering.

‘“An injun,” I said. “In. Jun.”

‘“In. Jun? What's one of them?”

‘So I had to tell him what they looked like, and he said, “Um, do you actually mean In-de-an? And, no, I'm not.” And he seemed to think this was something funny. “Anyway, aren't you supposed to call them Native Americans now? Sorry, do you actually think that for real?
An In-de-an in Snowdonia?” And he still seemed to think this was funny. So I said quicksharp it wasn't.

‘And he said “Sorry,” and he said “Wow,” and he looked at his shoes a bit – and then he looked at me – his eyes are shiny as stream pebbles, did I tell you? – and he said, “You must be from that St Emily's, right? I mean it's actually your land we're on, so I guess it's me that's trespassing, so – um – apologies and all that. Hi. Um. Hello.”

‘And I said “Hello.” And I felt my cheeks heating up, so I looked away.'

‘Blushing, Annie. Preliminary Warming of the Body was happening in you.'

‘Shut up, Clam.' Nancy stamped on a bluebottle, ‘I'm enjoying the story.'

‘And I'm counting Demonic Indicators,' I said, and I licked my finger and drew a number two on the floor. ‘Go on, Annie.'

‘I spoke next. I said, “Who are you anyway?”

‘And that's when he told me his name. “Oh, I'm Sam,” he said. “Sam Matthews.”

‘So I said, “You better be careful, Sam Matthews. I have a butching blade under my smock, you know.”

‘Except that seemed to make him more puzzled than scared, because he said, “Wow. OK.” Then he grinned and held up a paper bag, and said, “You're better armed than me.”

‘I said, “I am Annie St Albans.” And he said, “Um, well, it's nice to meet you, Annie St Albans.” And he grinned and put out his hand, so I shook it like Aunty told us to. It was quite soft, actually, and cool.

‘“So, Annie St Albans,” he said, “can I tempt you with a mushroom?”'

‘You didn't take it, Annie? Tell me you didn't take it.'

Annie stabbed her fingers in the sawdust. ‘“They're not bad raw,” is what he said. And he took a handful out of his bag. One he turned upside down and said, “Feel that – isn't it softer than a mouse ear?” One was hard as a hoof. One he called a trumpet, one an ink cap. He said he was avoiding an assignment from hell, and he was waiting for something called opening time at the Crown. He pulled out a red-headed mushroom with white spots. This one was poisonous. But this was what he was really after.'

‘Oh, Annie!' Dorothy jumped up, rattling all over. ‘Doesn't the
Digest Woodland Manual
say on mushrooms making bodies sick to death? I'm going to go get it.'

‘Look at her face, Dorothy, she is redder than a blood boil,' I said, jumping up and pointing. ‘And look at her eyes! I knew there was something wrong with her eyes!'

‘He wasn't like a nasty demonmale!' Annie shouted back. ‘Nothing like! It really is the Devil's own job to tell you sisters anything.'

Annie swirled her sawdust a while, and nobody spoke. Then she said all quiet, ‘He didn't say “Eat the poisonous one,” OK? He actually said he might “give it a go with a couple of mates,” because he didn't fancy trying it on his own. He put the mushroom back in his bag, and he laughed and said it sure wasn't one for his Mother's soup, that was for sure. And I went along and sat next to him on the trunk, and he didn't thrust me neither, not one bit. All right with you, sisters? Good.'

And Annie stamped her heel. So I told her I couldn't see what she'd got herself so itchy about – her sisters were only worried for her, when it was clear and certain she was not.

Dorothy sat down. ‘I'm sorry, Annie. Go on to the end. We won't interrupt you. What happened next?'

‘If you don't interrupt.'

‘We promise.'

‘Clam, too?'

‘Clam?' Dorothy said.

‘I suppose.' But I kept myself standing between Annie and the door.

‘Well, then he said, “May I tempt Miss St Albans with another mushroom?” “Another mushroom?” I said. And it's funny to say, sisters, but that word shapes your lips so funny that we both burst out laughing. “Mushroom?” he said. “Another mushroom?” I said. It got so we couldn't even say the word because we were laughing so much. Laughing till I had to hold my sore stomach in. Laughing like it weren't ever possible to stop.' Annie grinned at us, ‘Silly, really.'

Well, I looked back hard. ‘Mushroom,' I said. ‘Mushroom. No, sorry, Annie, it ain't working on me. Try it, sisters. Mushroom. Mushroom. Mushroom. Not a giggle, Annie. Not one.'

‘Well, it made me and Sam laugh.'

‘Was there forking on his tongue? Bad breath?'

‘What?'

‘Indicators, Annie. Oral Stinking.'

Annie still couldn't zip up her smile. ‘I guess. I wasn't close enough in to—'

‘Don't guess, Annie! Not with your own safekeeping.'

‘Well then, no. There was no stink from him. Listen to me, sisters—'

She had stopped smiling. Now she looked round us like she had some terrible truth she needed us to know. It was
like we were going to find out all over again that Truly was dead, it went bad as that, Annie's look. ‘He was nice, you know. He wasn't Demonic. Not at all, he wasn't. I'm sorry, but he was nice. Nice. That's all.'

No one said nothing.

Annie swirled her finger in the sawdust mess on the floor.

‘Was it nicer than sisters laughing together?' Mary said.

Annie was silent.

‘Well?' Nancy said.

‘It was different.'

‘How different?'

Annie shrugged. It was a big snaky S she was swirling in there.

‘How different, Annie, eh?'

‘Just was, Nancy, it just was.'

And round about then, as we were trying to measure the terrible cooking that had started in our sister, the latrine door opened. Maria Liphook was standing on the step, holding out a fistful of dried roses at Annie.

‘Go away,' Nancy said.

Maria went.

Annie stared after Maria a while. She shook her head. All sudden, she snorted. ‘“Mushroom?” he said, and sisters, I laughed till my stomach felt like Nancy had punched it inside out.'

‘You've told us about the mushrooms, Annie. And we've told you they ain't funny. What happened after?'

She shrugged. ‘We stopped laughing, and I said, “I need to go now, my sisters are waiting.”

‘He said, “Which way are you heading?”

‘But I didn't tell him this.'

‘You did well,' Dorothy said.

Nancy stamped a fly with her heel.

‘I said “Goodbye, then.” He said “Goodbye, then.” Then he looked down at his shoes and said, “Um, I don't suppose, I mean, will you come back tomorrow? I mean I'll be here if you do come. Same time, same place. Um, if you fancy it.”

‘I said, “Sure.” And he went even redder, and he looked up and smiled quick and looked back down at his shoes, and said, “Well, that's great then.”

‘And that's it, sisters. That's him. That's Sam.'

Annie had stopped talking and was shrugging her shoulders and smiling.

I gave her a proper iced stare. ‘But you won't go back, of course you won't. You were lucky, Annie, that it was only Charming he did to you. Happen he was warming you up for his Thrusting. Now, who is coming with me to tell Aunty that a demonmale was wandering so close by?'

Annie jumped up, ‘No!'

I turned for the door.

And Annie shoved the sawdust bin so it crashed over.

And in the choking dust she came at me. With a roar in her throat. With fingers as claws to rip me. Just one inch away, she tore her fingers into her own hair instead. She cried out, ‘No, you will not, Clam, you will not tell no one about this. Please. Please, you will not go for him with blades. He didn't look Demonic, nothing like. His name is Sam. Sam Matthews.'

And while I was still crouching from her, she shoved past me, sobbing. I heard the slam of the latrine door, and her sobbing and shouting in the yard for Maria Liphook.
Did Maria want to go with her to the orchard to talk to Truly Polperro? Annie had a lot to tell Truly. Annie was off right now.

My sisters coughed and shook themselves of dust. Eliza sneezed.

‘You OK, Clam?' Nancy said, turned brown as a fat woodlouse. ‘I ain't never seen Annie taken like that.'

‘Mushrooms,' I said, ‘doing that.' I shook out my headscarf. ‘Sisters, listen. Happen the only answer is to get Annie locked up safe, and this demonmale sorted – if he is just one. Who's coming with me to tell Aunty?'

‘Wait up, Clam.' Dorothy brushed dust from where it was stuck to the stains on her smock. ‘I can't but think this is something curious, isn't it?'

‘A demonmale's Charm working on Annie so she can't see the wood from the trees? That is exactly what the Appendix says happens to the weak-minded female when she meets a male. Exactly.'

Dorothy nodded. ‘Only, I do want to know why there aren't no injuns out there like there should be. I really do want to know that.'

‘Well, we can ask him before we stick him in the throat.'

‘Also, I'm thinking there weren't so many Demonic Indicators, were there, in this Sam?'

Nancy stamped her heel at a fly and missed. ‘Annie sure didn't think so.'

‘Sam,' Sandra sighed. ‘Funny word, ain't it, Sam?' Like now Annie had swallowed it up, Sandra wanted her taste of it too.

‘Well?' I said. ‘Who's coming with me?'

Dorothy pinched her nose. ‘Why doesn't this feel right?'

‘Because it ain't, Dorothy. Sisters laughing and eating
and sitting with demonmales. Nothing ain't right, Dorothy. And sad to say, it ain't been right with Annie since Truly died.'

Dorothy nodded. ‘Still, you know what I think? I think perhaps no one best say nothing to Aunty just yet.'

‘But Dorothy—'

‘Not yet, Clam, not today. Let's just watch Annie for today. Aunty's always saying sleep on things you ain't sure on, and an answer will pop up in the morning. That's what I reckon we should do.'

‘But Dorothy—'

‘As long as Annie is safe, and she will be today. We should cover up the hole to be sure.'

‘But Dorothy—'

‘Thank you, Clam, we know what you think. What about everyone else?'

Sandra said, ‘I'll think whatever you say, Dorothy, long as I go to War first.'

Eliza was woken up and said she thought she was cold.

Mary danced her plaits about and sang, ‘Sam Sam Sam.'

And Nancy, well, Nancy just went off to feed the pigs.

‘I'll keep an eye on Annie,' Dorothy said. ‘Let's just watch and see today, Clam, watch and see.' And blinking and nodding, she went off after our demon-charmed sister into the yard.