The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (22 page)

BE SPECIFIC: It can never hurt, and it’s usually infinitely more helpful, to be specific about what you want from your partner. Avoid saying, “I want you to pay more attention to me,” if what you really want is for your partner’s lips to linger lovingly on your breasts.

She has a hard time describing exactly how she needs something to be done to her to reach orgasm. I keep telling her that I flunked ESP 101 in school and that if she doesn’t help me, then she isn’t going to get the most out of the situation. Communication: It works!

If you find yourself dissatisfied with a routine—perhaps you would like your partner to initiate sex more—offer some suggestions. “I’d devour you on the spot if you ever propositioned me in a public place.” Or create a nonverbal vocabulary that you can both use—a signal or a modification in your dress, for example.

FOLLOW UP: If you try something new, by all means talk about your experience afterward. If you both had a great time, tell your partner in detail what you found so exhilarating. It may have been more fun for one of you, and this will give you an opportunity to acknowledge that and fine-tune your sex play so that one of you doesn’t feel left out or shortchanged. This couple could have benefited from such a discussion:

When I first got the Wahl two-speed, I got the guy I was dating to consent to include it in our lovemaking once. It was, for me, EXCELLENT: I mounted him from the top and used the vibe on my clit, and it was one of the most pleasurable experiences I remember. He, however, never wanted to use it again—threatened? I don’t know.

Tips from the Trenches

Our readers were just as forthcoming with positive suggestions for initiating conversations about sex with partners. We’re sure you’ll find that many of these tips will help you get the dialogue flowing in your own beds.

FIND THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE:
We’re usually in the living room after our daughter is in bed asleep, and sometimes a show on TV will bring up the subject or one of us will just start in. It’s important that neither person judge another’s fantasy or idea, and not being in the bedroom is an excellent idea.

TEST THE WATERS:
I start out talking about the movies or a TV show I’m interested in (like
Queer as Folk
) and see what kind of response I get. I shy away from judgmental people and this is a safe way to weed them out before it’s too late.

REALLY LISTEN:
I find that letting the person I am talking to “off the hook” is most successful. What I mean is, sometimes we get too caught up in words and spend less time on meaning. Political Correctness is our generation’s greatest sin. I have had people call me “crip” or “gimp” and I know that it wasn’t an insult, while other have said to me “I admire you so much” and I could feel the dig of their prejudice. Sexual discussion for me is the same way. Just spit it out (don’t swallow) and we’ll sort out the meaning together as we go along. If people aren’t afraid of saying the wrong thing, or being insulting, crude, or perverted, it is easier to communicate.

LOOSEN UP, RELAX:
I like to talk about sex when my husband is massaging my feet when things have quieted down for the evening. Do not try to talk about issues during, right before, or right after sex.

BE CONSTRUCTIVE:
A question I always ask is, “Anything you want me to do more of or different in the encore?” This focuses on the positive and not the negative. This way a person tells me what they want me to do rather than what they did not enjoy.

KEEP IT FUN:
In the “question game” we take turns asking each other questions. The rules are—don’t ask anything you don’t want an honest answer to, don’t lie, you get three “passes” where you don’t have to answer, and it doesn’t count as a question if you ask the same one you just answered.

AVOID ABSOLUTES:
Don’t use the words “You Never” and “You Always”!

TAKE BABY STEPS:
I started emailing him some erotic stories that weren’t too intense, but had some of my fantasy elements, and then increased the erotic nature of them and approached trying it out with him, if he was comfortable. He was very comfortable…just never wanted to make me uncomfortable!

COMPROMISE:
For so long, “compromise” has meant giving up my own thoughts and desires to avoid conflict. When I would raise an issue, I would have to ignore my desires, try to justify the fact that I had desires at all, or simply give up on trying to talk about them in the name of peace in my home. Now I have more autonomy and self-esteem and stand up for myself in the bargaining process.

WRITE IT DOWN:
Once we wrote down a list of all the somewhat outré things we wanted to try and then traded lists, so we wouldn’t have to deal with the embarrassment of saying them aloud. Imagine our joy when we discovered some of the same things on both lists!

NEGOTIATE:
When my current partner and I discuss sex, we usually do it in a your turn/my turn kind of way. Whenever I ask for something different or say I want to quit doing a particular act, I always make sure I phrase it in a way that encourages him to propose something new he wants to do or decline something he doesn’t want to do anymore.

PROBLEM SOLVE (AND REAP THE REWARDS):
When we talked about sex during her period we determined she can have her oral sex (clitoral) while wearing a tampon, and after she finishes her climax, she does not mind pulling it out and letting me finish mine. Had we not discussed this, we would have just stayed away during those 5-7 days…and to tell you the truth sex during periods has become very satisfying for us both.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH…AND JUST SAY IT:
Just coming out and saying it is the best way. The more I try to be tactful and considerate, the longer it takes to get to the subject, and the more nervous the other person gets. Never say, “Honey, we have to talk,” and then pause. That sends people’s blood pressure through the roof, regardless of what follows. Better to just say, “You know, I’m feeling rather insistent that you don’t sleep with the football team without using condoms,” or “I’m concerned about the fact that we haven’t had good sex in two months.” Bluntness works. And if I scare off a partner that way, better that they leave me after I’ve been honest with them than stick around so we can mislead each other.

SHOW AND TELL:
I usually start small by discussing what he likes, where he’s sensitive. I ask him to stroke himself so I can see what he likes. If he’s comfortable with this, he’ll open up about what he likes.

MAKE IT ABOUT DISCOVERY:
We learned a great deal about one another’s sexual past and preferences before we even touched each other. It made it much more easy and fun once we started kissing. I told him I knew he wasn’t a mind reader, I let him know that my vibrator was a tool and not a replacement for a real person, and I was just honest about my feelings.

TAKE ACTION STEPS:
We have to make a plan to actually start trying the things we
do
talk about. Sometimes it seems that waiting for the perfect moment means it never happens. And waiting for it to just “happen naturally” can mean it doesn’t, either!

SEE THE BIG PICTURE:
Putting the emphasis on more physical intimacy without sex in our relationship has made us both feel safer to discuss things we haven’t been able to discuss before.

Common Concerns

We asked our survey respondents what subjects they found the most difficult to discuss with partners. Their answers ran the gamut—from insecurities about physical characteristics, to contraception, to exploring fetishes. Many of the responses fell into some general categories, which we’ve listed below. Perhaps recognizing that many people struggle with similar issues will give you more confidence broaching these subjects in your own life.

STDs and Safer Sex

With one out of five people diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease, it’s not surprising that many people mentioned this as a troublesome issue. Not only can STDs impact one’s self-esteem, but they also put the burden of education on the person with the disease. They are so commonplace that it’s in everyone’s best interest to be more aware, which ideally would make us all more sensitive to a partner’s disclosure. Some excellent websites and resources on STDs offer various scenarios for discussing the subject (see our resource listings). You might also refer to our Safer Sex chapter.

It’s tough to talk about my genital herpes—difficult with my current partner, but I brought it up very early in the relationship to get it out of the way.

A partner unknowingly gave me an STD, and I unknowingly gave it to another partner. The series of conversations that I had with the two of them were more unpleasant than root canal surgery. Compared to that, the inevitable “Just because I can’t be monogamous doesn’t mean I don’t love you” conversation was EASY!

Considering I’m back in the arena of looking for a partner/sexual partner, I realize there are many subjects I’m not so comfortable bringing up. I think diseases and condoms and number of previous partners isn’t that easy for me to discuss, but it’s a necessity.

Speaking of Sex

Many communication barriers would cease to exist if we were more comfortable talking about sex. One way to increase our comfort level is to practice discussing sex with a partner when we’re in a nonsexual setting. This removes sex from the impassioned, volatile setting of the bedroom.

Imagine sitting for an hour each day with your partner and just talking about sex—sharing your thoughts, feelings, what pleases you, what scares you, with no judgments, no defensiveness, no ulterior motives. Gradually you’d be able to understand one another’s desires and demands. Eventually sex wouldn’t be nearly so mystifying.

Most of us, however, are unable to discuss sex so routinely and good-naturedly. Most likely, sex doesn’t come up spontaneously in your everyday conversations, so you may need to practice just getting the subject on the table. Here are a few ways you could introduce the topic:

FANTASY AND IMAGINATION: “I had the most incredible erotic dream about you, me, and some aliens.” Your dreams can spark discussions of fantasies, taboo behaviors, or secret desires. You might discover that your penchant for pornographic science fiction is shared by your partner.

FACT FINDING: Conduct sexual histories of your partners. Pretend you’re from the Kinsey Institute, and you want to know what your respondents think about masturbation: When did they start? How did they feel? Were they ever discovered? How often do they masturbate? Don’t judge, just listen. Make up your own questions, or use Kinsey’s.

NEWS COMMENTARY: “I read the most interesting editorial today about condom distribution in public schools.” A news item can lead into discussions of safer sex, sex education, your sex history,
etc.
Or, “Today on
Oprah,
she interviewed female pornographers.” A TV talk show might create an opportunity to exchange views on women’s sexuality, erotica, and porn.

READ A SEX BOOK: You could agree to read a self-help book or visit an informational website together and discuss the issues this raises. Or try some erotic fiction, sharing your reactions to the passages. This will expose you to the language of sex and help you find a comfortable sexual vocabulary.

CORRESPONDENCE: Several of our customers cited letter writing and email as an informative and erotic way for partners to share their thoughts with each other:

I am always eager to talk to my partner about sex. I like writing him suggestive letters and enjoy letters he gives me.

Leaving judgment and dogma behind will make it both easier and safer for you and your partner to talk honestly about sex. Once you find yourself tossing around sex terms, expressing yourself and your needs may come more naturally. And in addition to being good practice, the background information you gather will be helpful when you or your partner wants to try something different.

Trying a New Sexual Activity

How boring life would be if we didn’t try new things! The same holds true for sex, yet we find it incredibly difficult to chart this territory with lovers. We’re afraid of being considered kinky or perverted, we’re afraid of hurting a partner’s feelings, or we’re simply so embarrassed by our own desires that we never initiate the conversation. But how will we know if we never try?

I would like to try some things to pleasure him (like anal penetration on him with a dildo), but I know that he has a “mental block” toward anal sex. I really fear that even bringing it up (only to find that the idea is revolting to him) will damage our sexual relationship.

I still struggle with asking a partner if I can be on the receiving end of oral sex. It’s been browbeaten into me that men don’t like doing it, even though my husband does.

I’m still terrified of coming out as kinky. I got into BDSM and kink in my last relationship and now I have absolutely no idea how to bring it up with new crushes or potential dates.