The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (23 page)

So many men find anal stimulation difficult to discuss. They think it’s only for gay men, which is silly. Every man has the same nerves and prostate that can be aroused, but some can’t admit it.

Sexual Performance or Compatibility

Critiquing a lover’s performance, no matter how gently or constructively we may try to do it, is never easy. We keep quiet for many reasons—we harbor our own insecurities about performance, we don’t want to alienate our partners, or we’re reluctant to seem demanding or aggressive. Yet the alternatives are equally unpleasant: sexual frustration, resentment, and poor self-esteem.

It is very difficult to raise the issue of me not being sexually satisfied. I have a high sex drive and my boyfriend’s got a very low one. It brings up a lot of conflict, so I don’t like to bring it up.

It is really hard to tell someone when I don’t like something they are doing, because it so easily can feel like an attack on a very sensitive place in them.

I have trouble expressing my need for longer stimulation during traditional intercourse. I feel like I am attacking his ability to last.

I found it really hard to tell a man he was selfish in bed. This was compounded by the fact that I enjoy a submissive role, because people tend to think that means I don’t want to orgasm or be attended to at all! It is difficult to explain it is a role and underneath it I’m still me.

Illness or Disability

People with illnesses or disabilities have to routinely explain their specific limitations or needs to partners. On top of this, they often find themselves tackling common assumptions or stereotypes about sex and disability. Dealing with your own or a partner’s issues of self-esteem can make it even more difficult to initiate sexual conversations.

Explaining to a partner that I’m not in the mood, due to medications, illness, physical pain, or exhaustion, has often been difficult. It seems that most people want an excuse—they need a reason beyond “I really just don’t feel up to it today.” I guess this probably has a lot to do with their own self-image, and the idea that if I don’t always want them, there must be something wrong with them. Of course, this isn’t true, but I can see how some folks would take it that way, particularly partners who don’t have a strong sense of their own self-worth.

My lack of libido is due to the antidepressant medication I take. Even the most sensitive guys seem to look upon it as a challenge. I’d rather have someone look for other ways to pleasure me than become obsessed with showing their prowess.

The most difficult subject for me to raise with a partner is vulvodynia. I’m very lucky to have recovered almost fully, but there are still painful times, particularly around my period. This is very difficult for me to discuss because it has so impacted my sexual self-image. I don’t want my current lover to view me as “damaged.”

Fantasies

They’re called “fantasies” for a reason—they belong in the realm of the fantastic. Like dreams, they needn’t be safe, politically correct, or coherent. Because our fantasies can fall so far afield of what we’d consider doing in our “normal” lives, many couples are reticent to share them with each other, out of fear they’ll be judged. There’s nothing that says you need to divulge your fantasies, and, for many couples, keeping them private is the key to their erotic charge. Yet many others find that sharing their fantasies introduces new erotic terrain to explore mentally, or in some cases physically. See the Fantasies chapter for more on this subject.

It’s hard to talk about fantasies or new things I want to try. I’m usually afraid either that I’ll be thought of as weird or sick, or that he will turn me down.

My partner has had a hard time feeling safe to divulge her more “out there” fantasies with me because I have had none to share in return, I guess because I just don’t really fantasize.

What about the physical aspects of fantasy? It’s one thing to fantasize about trying anal sex or introducing a third person to our sex play, it’s totally different when the finger actually touches or the person is in front of you.

Sexual History

While it isn’t necessary to divulge your entire sexual history to partners, when there’s information that’s vital to the success of your current encounter, it’s certainly a good idea.

How much I divulge about my past sexual abuse depends on how deeply I get involved with a partner. There are certain physical triggers that occur during sex that I let my close partners know about so that they can avoid them.

I think things would have gone a lot better in my last relationship if I hadn’t been too embarrassed to communicate my lack of experience, both sexual and romantic. It created a block, and we really didn’t talk about sex at all.

I was pleasantly surprised to find most people have had profound respect for my flashback triggers and so on.

Troubleshooting Problem Areas

Negotiating Differences, Compromising

If you suggest something to your partner and meet with total resistance, you have a few options. If you’re with someone you aren’t planning on seeing again, you’re better off not pushing. If you’re new to the relationship and would like it to continue, you could wait until you’re a bit more familiar with each other before exploring your suggestions. In either case, if the activity you’re proposing is necessary to your satisfaction, and your partner is unobliging, you probably ought to find another place to hang your hat.

If you’re interested in trying something but your partner isn’t, try talking together—examine the reasons behind your curiosity and your partner’s resistance. Talking about it might break down some attitudes, stereotypes, fears, or anxieties. You might also find a way to compromise. You can evaluate how important it is for you to pursue this particular sexual activity. Is it worth jeopardizing the relationship?

A textbook example is the man who wants his wife to perform fellatio on him, but she’s not interested. Once he explains how much pleasure it would give him—perhaps offering to reciprocate something she desires—they can explore the reasons she’s hesitant, and perhaps reach a compromise. Does she think it’s a dirty practice? Maybe he can shower first, or use a condom. If she doesn’t like him coming in her mouth, he can tell her when he’s about to come, and she can finish with her hand. Or he can wear a flavored condom on his penis. If she doesn’t like the feeling of having her mouth filled with penis, perhaps she can take just the tip of the penis in her mouth, and stimulate the length of his penis with her hand.

Your partner might be resisting your suggestion merely because the activity is unfamiliar. Try reading a self-help book or some erotic literature together. Give it time; sometimes all one needs is a little time and space to get used to a new idea.

Desire Discrepancies

One of the most common sexual concerns expressed by couples today is something sex therapists refer to as desire disorder or desire discrepancy. In short, your sex life feels out of synch because one of you wants sex more or less frequently than the other does.

Here’s a simple example: When asked how often they’d each like to have sex, Bill claims he’s comfortable with once a month, but Ted would prefer twice a week. Ted is always initiating; Bill starts feeling pressured. Bill may also feel like the one with the problem; he may eventually lose any desire to have sex. Both just get more frustrated.

If this situation sounds familiar, it’s in your best interest to start talking. Here are some things you and your partner can discuss:

Share your definitions of desire and sex. What does sex mean to you? Is it intercourse, orgasm, genital stimulation? Perhaps one of you has a broader definition of sex—more touching or emphasis on the sensual side of sex, role-playing, or experimentation. Use this as a basis for negotiating sex play.

Maybe one of you defines sexual desire as the urge to have intercourse, while the other associates desire with any sort of erotic feeling. The latter might actually be experiencing greater sexual desire than either of you think; she or he just needs practice channeling it into partner sex. It might even come as a relief to realize that one of you hasn’t lost desire—it’s just being experienced differently.

What are your expectations? Where do they come from? Is there some statistical average you and your partner are aspiring to? Are you trying to keep up with the mythical Joneses or the leads in the latest romantic movie? It will help to examine your expectations about frequency of sexual desire, and whether you as an individual are comfortable with that.

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for the person with less sexual desire to feel like the one with the problem. It’s good to remind ourselves that there is no standard for sexual frequency. It’s about as absurd to expect two people to have the same desire for sex as it is to expect them to have the same craving for chocolate or exercise or reading material. But since sex for so many of us is integral to our primary relationships, it makes sense that we’d have to work on negotiating our differences. (Just as we would balance other lifestyle dilemmas, like how to raise kids, religious differences, contrasting cultural tastes, etc.)

When desire discrepancies trouble a relationship, it’s crucial that both partners work toward an acceptable middle ground.

Talk to your partner about what affects your desire. Exploring the various elements—both positive and negative—that affect sexual desire can help both of you understand and work with these issues. Stress at home or work, a history of sexual trauma, pressure from a partner—these are a few of the many things that can inhibit us. If you are the partner who wants sex more frequently, you might ask yourself whether you use sex to satisfy other needs (for example, gaining attention, seeking acceptance, relieving job stress).

It’s just as important to discover, share, and explore those things that enhance our sexual desire. Visual imagery, a certain smell, or a particular fantasy may activate your desire. By identifying these stimuli, you can learn how to access, cultivate, and channel them into partner sex.

Use this shared information to reach a compromise. Fueled by the information you gather through these discussions, you and your partner can begin to explore your options toward mutually satisfying sexual encounters.

Let’s use our original example. Perhaps after discussing their views on sex and desire, Ted learns that Bill is annoyed by their goal-oriented, orgasms-required lovemaking routine. Bill would rather do without the performance anxiety or sexual acrobatics. Ted might agree to trade in or expand their routine to one more inclusive of sensual touching or verbal gymnastics.

Bill may also have felt that since he was never going to want sex as much as Ted, there was no point in trying at all. Perhaps he stops initiating because he knows Ted will do it eventually, or he’s afraid that if he shows interest he and Ted will be having sex all the time. The two could agree to exchange roles for a period of time, so that only Bill will initiate. This may take some of the pressure off Bill and give Ted something to anticipate.

Maybe Ted confesses that he sees each sexual encounter with Bill as a confirmation of Bill’s love for him. They might explore this further and devise substitute ways for Bill to express his love for Ted, thereby reducing the sexual demands on Bill.

The two can work toward being more accepting of their desire discrepancies, adapting their sexual activity to accommodate them. For example, Ted could masturbate while lying in Bill’s arms, or Ted could massage Bill with no sexual expectations.

Obviously, depending on the specific circumstances, there are numerous ways to work on desire discrepancy. The only requirement is your willingness to discuss it with your partner. You may be able to work out quite a few things yourself. Should you require further counseling, there are some excellent self-help books available, or you may find it helpful to work with a sex therapist.

Keeping the Flame Alive

If you’ve ever been in a sexual relationship that’s lasted longer than a year or two, or are in one now, you’re probably well aware that one of the biggest challenges facing any couple once they walk off into the sunset together is attempting to sustain a hot and happy sex life. In the first flush of a relationship, effortless passion is just a kiss away as the two of you revel in the excitement of getting to know each other, uncovering secrets, and sharing confidences. That you aren’t yet secure in your relationship adds an element of dramatic tension that heightens arousal, and can lead you to seize every erotic opportunity with abandon, for fear that it might be your last with this partner. If you settle into a long-term relationship, you may find that once the first wave of erotic exploration subsides, you and the person who’s now your domestic partner are having sex less and less often.

Studies have shown that the frequency of sex drops over time for couples of all sexual orientations, a phenomenon sometimes ominously labeled “bed death.” One popular theory holds that couples who “merge” together, sharing every aspect of their lives in a cozy cocoon, aren’t getting the distance required for sexual sparks to fly. While it’s true that settling into a predictable shared routine can dampen your libido, some therapists are beginning to point out that “bed death” is hardly the result of two people’s knowing each other too well. In fact, hot sex with a long-term partner requires both intimacy and self-disclosure, and many couples would rather maintain a boring, but nonthreatening, status quo than expose their true sexual selves. “Merged” couples may be intertwined in the practical, emotional details of each other’s daily lives, but they often stop well short of sharing their sexual hopes, dreams, and aspirations.