The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (24 page)

In the early days of a relationship, you may trust your partner less, but you also have less to lose if he or she lets you down. Many of us find it easier to take sexual risks—to assume the active role of seducer, to explore brand-new sexual activities, and to share fantasies—during the heady time when everything’s slightly off-kilter and you feel powerfully attractive. As the dust settles, we become not only habituated to each other, but also habituated to making certain assumptions about each other: “Oh, I’m sure he doesn’t really like going down on me” or “She wouldn’t want to watch porn with me—it would offend her political sensibilities.”

For every assumption we make about the other, there’s an accompanying fear: “Maybe it really turns him off to get close to my genitals, and he just doesn’t want to tell me” or “Maybe she’ll think that real lesbians shouldn’t even
like
watching porn.” Paradoxically, being open about sexual desires and fears doesn’t necessarily get easier the longer you’re in a relationship—in truth, it can be harder to expose yourself, because you risk offending, disgusting, or disappointing the person you care about most. It’s natural to have the unconscious fear:
What if the scales fall from my lover’s eyes and she or he discovers what a pervert I really am and stops loving me?
All the sexual shame that melted away in the heat of your first combustion comes creeping back in to silence you. And in the hustle-bustle of domestic living, it’s easy to think: I’m sure we’d be having sex if only her in-laws weren’t coming to dinner, or the dog didn’t need walking, or he hadn’t had such a long day at the office.

Of course, being in a long-term relationship doesn’t mean you have to settle for infrequent, routine sex. But if you want to get yourselves out of a rut, you will need to take some risks. Your first step will be to communicate: Address your fears, regrets, sorrows, and longings head on, and share them with your partner. Keeping the spark alive takes a certain amount of initiative. We sometimes fall into the trap of assuming that if our partner hasn’t requested a certain activity by now, it must mean he or she is not interested in it. But if you’re both thinking this, imagine what fun you could be missing out on!

Consider some of the suggestions in this chapter on improving both your self-awareness and your awareness of your partner’s preferences. Look for books that flesh out these ideas in greater detail and include tips for people in long-term relationships.
Hot Monogamy,
primarily geared toward heterosexual couples, offers exercises designed to help you and your partner identify your individual emotional and sexual needs and effectively communicate what you want. Jack Morin’s
The Erotic Mind
(see sidebar for more about Jack) provides unexpected insights into the sources of sexual passion and offers a road map of ways to inject dynamic excitement into an intimate relationship. His book is valuable reading for individuals of all sexual orientations, whether partnered or not. It addresses the complex nature of sexual arousal and guides the reader toward a better understanding of what it is that turns him or her on, and why. With this information under your belt, you’ll be well-equipped to keep the home fires stoked and burning.

Initiating Sex

It can be challenging to communicate your desire to be sexual with another person, whether a complete stranger, a new acquaintance, an old friend, or a longtime partner.. You’re risking possible rejection while trying to satisfy your own sex drive. Whether you’re successful depends, of course, on whether the person is interested in you or sex, but you can improve your prospects by tuning in to your partner’s preferred approach. If you are with a new lover, you can either ask what approach pleases or go with your instincts. In longer relationships, you’ll eventually become familiar with each other’s preferences.

It’s not unusual in most couples for one person to initiate sex more often than the other. If this is a dynamic that works well for you, great. If it’s a source of frustration, you may be experiencing the desire discrepancy discussed above and now have an idea of what areas need work. If you’ve simply fallen into a rut, talk about it and see if you can’t find a way to break the routine. Perhaps one partner just needs encouragement that he or she won’t be rejected, or the partner who normally initiates just needs to practice taking turns. Maybe you’ll recognize that you like sex initiated in different ways, and sharing your requirements will give you each a better understanding of what will please the other.

You’re not always going to get the response you hope for when you initiate sex. If someone turns down a sexual proposition, rather than perceiving it as a blow to your self-esteem, why not congratulate yourself for having had the courage to pursue your desire? Celebrate your sexual feelings in a different way—masturbate. If your lover simply isn’t “in the mood,” and there’s not much chance that will change, respect that and find an alternative way to be sexual. You can’t expect to be sexually in synch with a partner all the time.

We thought you’d enjoy seeing the many unique ways people enjoy having sex initiated. For some it can vary with their moods; for others, the requirements are quite specific. We asked survey respondents to describe their favorite ways to have sex initiated, and their answers varied immensely. Maybe you’ll come up with a few new ideas the next time you’ve got sex on your mind!

Many people are fond of the nonverbal method:

If I’m really driven, I like to communicate physically—just reaching over or coming up from behind and grabbing. Not talking is much sexier.

A lustful look and touching. Lots of words are unnecessary. I like a certain look that says, “I wanna fuck you.”

I like my partner to initiate by slowly undressing me or turning baths for two into a lovemaking session.

Others prefer the verbal approach:

I like to express that I want this or that in a way that’s friendly, loving and HOT.

With a new partner, it needs to be verbalized.

I initiated my most recent encounter by saying, “Can I touch you? Can I kiss you?”

Double entendre is big with me; wit and a quick mind are a turn-on.

Some enjoy planning ahead so that the anticipation can enhance the sex:

I like to talk about it long before we actually get down to it. It’s wonderful to spend an afternoon or evening together, knowing that it’s going to happen.

I love to whisper and tease my partner along, often for hours, over dinner.

I like some very intentional setting-up, like “I want to make love tonight, why don’t you put on perfume only and I’ll be over later.”

Others relish the element of surprise:

I like them to be spontaneous. If I’m sitting in a chair reading, I want the book taken from me and my glasses removed and my mouth covered with wet lips.

I like to be caught off guard, for my partner to start massaging, fondling, stripping, or teasing me while on the phone.

I like my lover to come up from behind, grab my breasts, and bite my neck while I’m doing something boring like the dishes.

And some respond better to force:

I like to be grabbed in a darkly lit club and dragged outside for a good time!

Since I’m a pretty aggressive female, sometimes I like my partner to be forceful with me so I can be passive for once!

Others are partial to a slower or gentler approach:

I like to start with a kiss, then get into heavier and heavier groping to the point where I feel like I’m going to die; then I like for my partner to undress me slowly. I like to be teased into a frenzy.

Others have their own methods of initiating:

More often than not, when I initiate it’s either by kissing or stroking or sometimes by just fellating my partner as a way of saying Hi.

In the past I would initiate sexual encounters by reading someone’s palm and telling them some great sex was in their future!

Usually I grab him by the balls and growl!

One Last Example

As a way to illustrate some classic communication pitfalls, here’s a description of a not-uncommon transaction at Good Vibrations:

A woman shyly enters the store and looks around surreptitiously. She heads over to the vibrator section, where she gazes in bewilderment at the many sizes and shapes. A clerk approaches her:

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Oh no, no. I’m just looking,” she says, clutching her purse, visibly embarrassed.

“Do you have any questions about the vibrators?” the clerk persists.

“No. I’ll let you know if I do. Thanks.”

The clerk retreats. After some time and consideration, the woman selects a large, very realistic-looking penis-shaped battery vibrator, makes her purchase as quickly and discreetly as possible, and makes a hurried exit.

The next day the woman returns. She whispers to the clerk that she’d like to return her vibrator, perhaps saying something like “It didn’t work out” or “My husband didn’t like it.” She’s disappointed; at this point she’ll either elaborate on the problem, and perhaps the clerk can help her choose a more appropriate toy, or, being too embarrassed or defeated, she’ll give up on sex toys for good.

HERE’S WHAT PROBABLY HAPPENED

At some point this woman (let’s call her Ellen) decided she wanted to try a vibrator. Maybe while talking to a friend about her difficulty having orgasms, Ellen learned of the wonders of vibrators. Maybe Ellen read about vibrators in a book or a magazine and decided it was worth a try. So, she pays a visit to Good Vibrations.

It’s the first time Ellen’s ever been in a sex shop and, like most newcomers, she’s embarrassed. Once she finds the vibrator section, she is overwhelmed by the variety of sizes and shapes. Understandably, her brain is firing questions: “What does that do?” “Where does this go?” “Do women really like that?” She probably begins questioning what she plans to do with her vibrator once she buys it.

When the clerk approaches to offer help, Ellen’s shyness and embarrassment render her speechless, so she doesn’t ask her questions. Maybe she’s not sure what she should ask. Eventually she purchases a vibrator that looks vaguely familiar to her—the penis-shaped battery toy.

That night during lovemaking, she pulls the toy out from under her bed to surprise her husband. He’s shocked, confused, threatened, defensive. He questions his performance. “Don’t I satisfy you?” He questions her need for him. “Won’t that fake penis eventually replace my real one in your affections?” She might try to explain, to express her needs, but most likely the toy goes back under the bed, and both of them give up.

WHAT WENT WRONG?

How could this have been avoided? When Ellen decided she wanted a vibrator, she could have asked herself, “What specifically do I want it for? To stimulate my clitoris or to use as a vibrating dildo?” Ellen could have talked with her friend about how she uses her vibrator. Maybe she could have even borrowed her friend’s vibrator. Then Ellen could have talked to her husband, perhaps saying, “I have a friend who uses a vibrator, and she says her orgasms are really different. I’d love to try one; would you like to help me experiment?” This might have opened up a discussion on what her orgasms were like at the time, and whether the vibrator would complement their sex play or be used solely by her. If either of them felt uncomfortable about toys, they could have talked about that. Discussing their issues in a nonsexual, nonthreatening setting might have provided Ellen the opportunity to reassure her husband about his performance and her affection for him.

But instead, Ellen set out for Good Vibrations with the vague notion that she wanted a vibrator for something. When she walked in the door and was instantly overwhelmed by the variety, she began to wonder what she really
was
going to do with the thing. She felt foolish, ignorant, and just plain embarrassed. She became increasingly uncomfortable, but since she came with a mission, she purchased the phallic model that looked most like a vibrator to her.

Had Ellen talked about her sexual needs with her friend or her partner, she might have been able to articulate what might satisfy those needs. Perhaps she could have conveyed her questions to the clerk, who could then steer her in the right direction. She might have seized the moment to ask the clerk for feedback or information on any of the issues that came up during her conversation with her husband.

Since Ellen never let her husband know that she was at all interested in vibrators, he was shocked by the abrupt change in their routine and figured she was trying to tell him something about his performance. His defensiveness, combined with her confusion over the sex toy, ultimately killed any enthusiasm Ellen had for trying something new. If they had discussed it first, or if at any point along the way Ellen had figured out what she wanted out of that vibrator, she might have been able to explain it to someone: herself, her friend, her husband, or the store clerk, any or all of whom might have offered some useful information and some much-needed encouragement.

Benefits

The benefits of good communication are infinite. New relationships can prosper from early sharing of likes and dislikes, not to mention discussions on safer sex and contraception. People in longer relationships can troubleshoot problem areas if they’re able to discuss sex comfortably. And people at all stages of a relationship can benefit from the chance to experiment with new kinds of sexual activity. Talking about sex enables us to break old patterns, eliminate arcane attitudes, and explore the many sides of our sexual selves.