The Goodbye Man (29 page)

Claiming the future and burning the past.

I half expected Caesar
to be hiding inside when I opened the door to his apartment, but he wasn’t there. He hadn’t been there in a while, the smell from the garbage gave that away. Lettie’s fingernails are cutting into my hand, they have been since we stopped out front. She is terrified, and no matter how many times I assure her that Pavel is dead, she still clings to me as if she will be stolen away in a second. I won’t let anyone take her or touch her, Lettie is mine and I have no intention of allowing anyone else near her. Ever.

Opening all the windows to try evacuate the smell, I walk through the space. If he isn’t here, where the fuck is he? He always hid here when the noise was too much for him, there have been times where he would go crazy and lock himself away from the world. He was always afraid of what he might do. My need for order wants to tidy up the place, but we are only here for two nights and I don’t want it to be obvious it was us here. I don’t have to worry about anyone saying anything, every person in the building is blind and deaf. No one sees or hears anything at all.

I flick his television on, channel surfing until I settle on cartoons for no reason other than Lettie smiled when she saw them. We sit there on his couch and we wait. “Sleep, Lettie Doll.” I can see her eyes blinking slower and slower. “We won’t be here for long.” She lays her head in my lap and silently falls asleep quickly. I on the other hand, don’t get a wink. My mind plays the last day over and over again. Each of my loves swallowed by the flames, every single one has left me now. I feel a strange understanding for the way Lettie wishes to die so badly. She is so vulnerable, the way she will do anything that she is told or asked. I need for her to learn to fight. If she is going to survive me and let me love her, she needs to be able to stop me. My sweet Lettie Doll.

I nod off for a short while when a loud pounding at the door wakes us. I am not expecting anyone to come by, and I know Caesar never had visitors here that weren’t whores. We sit dead still and listen, the thud - thud - thud on the door again makes her open her mouth. I cover it with my hand before a sound can escape. The handle rattles a little followed by footsteps retreating down the hall. When I am sure that the person whoever they are is gone, I slowly let my hand slip from her mouth. When I do, she looks into my eyes for answers that I don’t have yet. The adrenaline dissipates after a few minutes and she climbs onto my lap, straddling me. Her little hands cup my cheeks as she rests her forehead against mine. So close, so alive. Her fingers run through the scruff on my chin as she explores my face with her touch, a feeling so foreign to me. It sets my skin alight. I feel a sickness rolling in my stomach, but it feels so good. She tears into my heart with each soft touch, ripping away the defenses I have against love.

My fingers are digging into her hips where I grip tightly, barely holding onto my faculties. My body is tingling to life beneath her, I have never felt this before. I have never had a touch like this. I want it, but I hate it. What will be left when it stops?

Her lips touch mine and it feels like I am being burned as she tries to kiss me. The fire licks my insides and makes me feel feral. I want to throw her on the floor and make her stop it, but I never want her to stop. I am falling apart, losing my shit and becoming something new. The calm is being replaced by chaos and Lettie. Her tongue licks mine and the blaze continues as I feel a monster coming alive in me, the beast kisses her back with a vicious need. I want to devour the life that falls freely from her. She pulls back just a little so she can whisper to me, those devil whispers that drove Caesar from us.

“Let me love you, Mateo. Please let me love you. You don’t have to love me back.” The light as air words ghost over my lips and I breathe them in.
Can she love me?

I surrender. I give up the fight inside my head and allow her to be alive and love me. Her kisses heal the wounds of my miserable life, the way her hands cling to me fill the void of despair that has been with me for an eternity. Lettie slides off my lap and her absence immediately hurts. I want to pull her back and make sure she never moves again. She delicately removes her clothes and settles between my legs where she begins to remove my belt. My patience is wearing dangerously thin so I stand and remove my clothes. Her eyes look sad at the intrusion into what she was doing. I can love her, and I know I do in the most fucked up ways, but letting a person love me is inconceivable. I am unloved. Unlovable. I am not worthy of the feeling. I steal from them. She wants to just give it to me. With a tear falling down her perfect cheek, she shoves me back to the sofa. I see the kindling of a fire in her eyes as she opens her mouth and screams at me.

“Let me fucking love you, Mateo!” Her fists start to beat on my chest with a force that defies her size. The anger building in her is fierce, it has had a lifetime to grow and I love it. “Let me love you or just kill me now. I won’t play dead! If you want dead, just kill me!” The emotion pours from her as she assaults me, our naked bodies warring against one another as I grab her wrists in my hands to stop the pelting of her fists.

“Love me, Lettie Doll. Show me what love is to you.” None of us has any idea what real love is; we are from a world where it doesn’t exist. My words set the demons free and Lettie kisses me, her body moving and touching mine with its softness and I want it all. I feel the pains in my tense muscles as I anticipate her fluid movements claiming my body and fracturing the soul I thought I didn’t have.
Stop loving me, Lettie. It hurts too much. Be dead, Lettie.

The brutal pleasure I feel as her sweet pussy claims me can’t be compared to any of the lovers I burnt to death. Her body takes me, accepts and makes me feel. I soar with the high of emotions that I have never allowed to surface before this moment.
Stop it, Lettie. You are hurting me.

Her nails claw into my skin as we shudder with the ecstasy of orgasm and the birth of something new to us both.

Two days is a long
time to stare your demons in the face, every second trapped in the small space with her forced me to tell myself the truth. Now we are standing in the busy airport terminal ready to leave Hunts Point and our lives behind us forever. I should leave her behind. I am no good for her, she deserves better than where we are going.

“Come, Lettie. Let’s go.” I tug gently on her hand as our flight is called. I am a selfish man. I will never let her go, even if it is the worst thing on Earth for her to be with me. She loved me and in doing that she tied her soul to the hole in mine. There were no more knocks on the door, but I know that they are looking for Caesar and maybe me, so it is time to become someone that no one is looking for. With our new identities as husband and wife, we are going on honeymoon to Mexico. In a way we are a married to each other, it is just in a way others would never understand.

Hugo and the doctors are already there setting up the ground work for business to return to normal. Only how can it be normal if Caesar is gone and Lettie is here? Normal is over.

“Mateo, I am scared to fly,” she whispers softly as we walk to the gate. People bustle around us, taking no notice of the predators in their midst.

“Don’t be scared, Lettie Doll. You are safe with me.”

Confessions of love birthed another fear as the

blood-thirsty prince tried to keep his dirty princess safe.

I’m not quite sure
what I expected out of Mexico. I hadn’t ever been out of Hunts Point to Manhattan, let alone out of the fucking country. I think deep down, I had visions of lying in a shaded cabana with Mateo as the sun beaded down on our bronze skin while we sipped margaritas. I haven’t had those either, but it sure sounds nice. I don’t know much about anything, but I hoped for our own little version of paradise as we escaped a past that we never thought we could.

“Lettie doll, lean back and buckle your seat belt. We are about to land,” Mateo whispers, brushing my hair away from my face.

He got the window seat since I hadn’t flown before and I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t puke all over the place. He has to murmur my real name, as we have been given the aliases of Mr. and Mrs. Tomás Alvarez. I look outside, disappointment settling in my gut while the flight attendant rattles off in a sultry Spanish accent that I can’t understand except, “Mexico City, Mexico”. With a goddamn alias name like Valentina, I should know Spanish, but instead raised by a piece-of-shit Russian fuck, I learned every god-forsaken Russian curse word and slang term under the sun.
You are my gypsy princess, Svetlana.
I look down at my dark skin and my thoughts collide with one another as Mateo’s hard grip tightens around my wrist, an indication for me to lean back in my seat and buckle my belt.

The tall buildings and clutter of the city beneath me are not much different that the shit I left behind in New York.
So much for cabanas and margaritas
. Looks like we are trading one hell for another. I can’t be sure, but something in my belly is telling me that is true.

“Hold on, Valentina. The landing is the bumpiest part. Then we are home,” he croons, winking at me at the same time showing me a mischievous grin. The sound of how he rolls his R’s makes my womb tighten and my panties drench. Yes, panties. Mateo insisted that I wear them in case I get searched by security. I squirm in my seat as the uncomfortable elastic tightens itself around my legs. I can’t force myself to find them bearable, though the ones he insisted I wear were something I would never dream of buying, let alone wearing. Black and red lace. Who am I kidding, I never thought anyone would want to take care of me.

The jar and squeal of the plane tires makes my chest constrict. Mateo grabs my hand and squeezes it. Anxiety rushes over my body as I arrive in my new home. My new little nirvana away from the fiery inferno that bathed me for so long. Why does that make me nervous as I prepare to say farewell to Svetlana Nitkovich one last time and hello to Valentina Alvarez? I try to breathe, but I can’t. The sweat pools on my forehead and I try to move my hand to wipe it away, but Mateo holds it in place. I can feel him staring into me and the last thing I want to do is disappoint him.

Get your shit together, bitch. You have been given life on a silver fucking platter. Eat it.

I breathe out as I stare at the plane seat ahead of me, the flight attendant next to me a ghostly blur as Mateo carries on a conversation in fluid Spanish. Is this my life now as I exist in a world that I am not familiar with? A dirty, unwanted black pearl consumed by an oyster of unknown things? I am his, no one else’s. The thought of reminding myself of that calms my nerves as the velocity of the plane slows. Before I realize, the plane is stopped and everyone is grabbing their items from the overhead bins. Mateo’s hand grabs my chin, turning it to meet his gaze.

“Are you ready to be part of this empire, Mrs. Alvarez?” he whispers to me.

Thoughts of him taking another almost-dead lover send jealousy straight to my gut. My eyes turn dark and I can’t promise I won’t kill for what I want, for what I love. He can see it as he bares his teeth in an appreciative smile. Sure, we may love each other, but the game of fuckery is still thick in the air.

“Are you my king, Mr. Alvarez?” I sneer, not willing to back down.

“Oh, never fucking forget it. You bow down to no one else.”

My pussy clenches with those words. The flight attendant clears her throat to dismiss our conversation and if the threat of being thrown into security and customs search didn’t exist, I would beat the shit out of her and fuck Mateo well into tomorrow in the middle of the now barren airplane.