The Guide to Getting It On (129 page)

In researching your question, I am once again reminded of how often the “science” of fertility can also be the voodoo of fertility. For instance, there are all kinds of fertility specialists pontificating about the lube question, often with different answers. One specialist who has written four books on fertility avoids the question altogether by blaming the lubrication problem on the male, saying that any woman can lubricate perfectly well if she has a partner who gives her enough foreplay. I don’t think so!

Sperm, like the men who make them, can be finicky. Sperm start to croak if the pH is less than 7.0 or more than 8.5. They also start to pop if the fluid around them doesn’t have enough ions in it, and they shrink like prunes if the surrounding fluid has too many ions. This should make sense if you took biology and remember what osmosis is.

Given that the pH of most store bought sex lubes is so low, a lot of sperm might get fried in an acid bath if you use them. At the other extreme are things like egg whites and mineral oil, which are too alkaline. This brings me a certain amount of relief, because I feared if you used egg whites your child might come out of the womb clucking instead of crying.

As for osmosis, sperm thrive in an environment of 360 mOsm/kg. Most sex lubes have an osmolality of 1000 mOsm/kg or more, which makes for dehydrated sperm. And while saliva has an optimal pH, its osmolality tubes out at 151 mOsm/kg, which might cause sperm to explode. (Saliva can be an okay sex lube, except if you are trying to get pregnant.)

So here’s what I’d suggest: a special sex lube called Pre-Seed that was formulated by a very reputable andrologist (sperm doctor). It has a pH of 7.3, and an osmolality of 314 mOsm/kg. You can find it at
www.preseed.com
.

Next, you ask how to make conception-driven sex more fun. This is more important than you think, for a couple of different reasons.

It seems that stress makes the quality of a guy’s ejaculation go down. In fact, they’ve found that men launch a bigger and better load during intercourse than when masturbating in a cup in the bathroom of a doctor’s office. If a guy is having a sperm analysis, the quality of his wad will be 2 to 3 times better if his sperm is collected from a condom (non-latex) following intercourse than from him masturbating. And here’s something even more important from Dr. Joanna Ellington, who is a leading andrologist:

“Some studies have actually shown better conception rates for couples having untimed regular intercourse as compared to couples using detailed methods to time things.” She suggests intercourse 2 to 3 times a week, but with you doing it when you feel loving and horny as opposed to having a calendar and stop watch in hand. Another study has shown that women who have a regular amount of intercourse every week of the month ovulate more reliably than those who don’t. Having fun in bed during your non-fertile weeks could be just as important to the bigger picture as doing it during your most fertile nanosecond.

So why not leave Mr. Basal in the medicine cabinet and get back to enjoying your lovemaking? Forget trying to engineer a Moonie-like march of sperm toward Fallopia. Your love for each other needs to be respected and enjoyed as much as the love you might have for any child that you may or may not be creating. Couples who are desperate to get pregnant sometimes forget the importance of this.

If you are having trouble getting pregnant, a trusted resource should be Dr. Ellington at
www.preseed.com
. I’d also keep an eye out for anything written about fertility with the name “Sandra Leiblum” attached.

CHAPTER

61

Sex During Pregnancy

I
f you hadn’t noticed by now, each woman has her own unique way of looking at the world and you can’t really predict how she will react to the man who knocked her up. Some pregnant women will want more intimacy than ever before, while others will want space—sometimes huge amounts of space. This can be confusing for a dad-to-be, as he is never quite sure if the love of his life wants to snuggle or pluck his eyes out. Also, don’t think that the dad-to-be isn’t experiencing his own set of pregnancy-related emotions. These may cause him to hesitate sexually while his child-to-be is turning somersaults half a penis-length away. The mom-to-be might be wanting to rip his clothes off, and he’s suddenly prim and proper.

This chapter is about sex during pregnancy, from orgasm-related uterine contractions to swelling vulvas and fetal brain development. For most couples, anything that felt good before conception is perfectly okay after, including oral sex, anal sex, vibrator play and good old fashioned vanilla lovemaking. But no matter what you read in this chapter or anywhere else, please discuss sex during your pregnancy with your healthcare provider. There might be situations where it is prudent to alter some of the more outrageous ways that you and your partner enjoy sex.

Talking to Your Healthcare Professional about Sex

Think about this for a moment: you go to a physician, get totally naked, spread your legs apart and let your doctor put her fingers in places where even the IRS doesn’t. Yet many of us are nearly paralyzed by asking the simple question “Is it OK for me to have sex while I’m pregnant?”

Plenty of physicians encourage couples to have sex during pregnancy. Obstetricians rely on people having healthy sex lives in order to keep from going broke. So do pediatricians, gynecologists, Lamaze instructors and everyone else in the healthcare industry. There is no way your physician wants you getting out of practice with intercourse as long as the possibility exists that you might have more kids. So don’t be afraid to ask.

If your healthcare provider says it’s okay to have sex, go to it. If the answer is “No, it’s not okay to be having sex,” then it is important to ask more questions. The first is “Pork hay?” which is Spanish for “Why not?”

If your healthcare provider is one of the few remaining dinosaurs who doesn’t believe that pregnant women should be having sex, get a second opinion. Most physicians feel that having sex during pregnancy is completely normal, unless there are specific reasons such as a prior history of miscarriages or premature labors, the placenta is attached near the cervix (placenta previa), your water has broken or there is bleeding of unknown origin.

If your physician gives a specific reason for why you shouldn’t have sex, ask two more questions:

1. “How long should we not have sex—for the next few weeks, months, or for the entire pregnancy?” All too often, when a physician says, “No sex,” the couple assumes this means for the entire pregnancy, when the intent was “No sex for the next couple of weeks.” If you were to ask the same question in a month, the physician might say, “It was just a precaution. Based on how well you are doing now, I see no reason why you shouldn’t have sex.”

2. “Does ‘no sex’ just mean intercourse, or does it include all sexual contact?” For instance, intercourse might pose a concern, but it’s fine to have orgasms orally or by masturbating. If all orgasms are a potential problem, ask if you can still have intercourse as long as you don’t have an orgasm. For some women, this would be a cruel compromise, while others might welcome the extra intimacy that intercourse allows, orgasm or not.

Urge Surge — The Mood Swing

Some women stay pretty even throughout their pregnancies, while others push the mental envelope. A feature of pregnancy-related moodiness can be the intensity of the mood and the amplitude of its swing. Some pregnant women who are horny feel so intensely horny that they find it hard to think about much but sex. They pounce on the dad-to-be the second he walks through the door. The intensity can be so great that some men feel a little used, while others seize the moment. Other pregnant women don’t feel like having sex at all, and some might feel horny one moment and weepy the next. Also, a pregnant woman has the potential to feel hurt by comments that few women in their nonpregnant right minds would find offensive.

For the woman whose moods fluctuate, there might be moments when she blames her man for her condition and other times when she feels elated about being pregnant and is ecstatic to know and love the guy who got her that way. Also, it is normal for a pregnant woman to feel moments of depression alternating with feelings of elation, and to have dreams of her child being a perfect baby as well as fears of it being handicapped.

Much has been said about the disruptive effects of hormonal changes on a pregnant woman’s mood, and this might be true. On the other hand, oxytocin levels rise throughout pregnancy, and oxytocin is said to make for better moods. It also causes contractions of the uterus which may help to prepare the woman’s body for labor. It is thought to be involved in a woman’s orgasms whether she is pregnant or not.

Beautiful or Gross?

How you feel about yourself can be an important factor in determining whether you want to have sex. Some pregnant women look in the mirror and feel fat. Others feel they have never been more beautiful. Most women who are pregnant fall somewhere between these two extremes.

No matter how a woman feels about her pregnant self, it never hurts for her to receive loving reassurance from her partner. While a hard penis and a willing heart might be physical evidence that a man finds the mother of his child to be desirable, loving words and romantic gestures speak to a different part of her soul. Do your best to always be available if not always near.

One of the common disconnects between partners during pregnancy occurs when the dad won’t ask the woman for sex—not because he doesn’t find her attractive, but because he doesn’t want to make her feel like she has to say yes. She, on the other hand, might interpret his lack of asking for sex as an indication that he doesn’t find her to be sexy or attractive.

One of the better ways to handle this is for the couple to have an agreement that she will be perfectly comfortable telling him no if she doesn’t feel like it. That will give him permission to plead and beg for sex as usual without having to worry that he is imposing on her—no harm, no foul.

The Fearless Factor

One of the nice things about being pregnant is not having to worry about getting pregnant. You can put the diaphragm in the deep freeze, keep the condoms in the bottom drawer or forget about taking pills each morning. This can make sex during pregnancy more relaxed and easy to enjoy. If pregnancy is what you wanted, there’s no more “We have to do it now because my most fertile three-and-a-half minutes during the next quarter of a century is about to pass.” Even if you didn’t plan on getting pregnant, the fact that you can’t get pregnant again for nine more months allows some couples to relax and enjoy sex in ways that they might not when consequences are a concern.

Sexually Transmitted Infection Alert! Women can get sexually transmitted infections while they are pregnant. So if you are with a new partner or are in a situation where it is possible that you might get a sexually transmitted infections, be sure to use condoms during intercourse.

Genital Swelling — Slip & Slide

Around the fourth month of pregnancy, most women’s genitals begin to swell. And swell. And swell. This swelling can lead to full-time lubrication and can make some pregnant women feel very horny. The increased swelling is due to the growing vascular capacity in the pregnant woman’s pelvis. As a result, her vulva often becomes a deeper color and her labia thicken.

Couples find that the added swelling may lead to a delightfully snug feeling during intercourse. Genital swelling during pregnancy can also up the intensity of the woman’s orgasm. More on this in the pages that follow.