The Guide to Getting It On (189 page)

SKIN FLICK—porn film.

SKYPE SEX—when geography gets in the way of having sex in person, couples can use the phone and video service of Skype to not only say sexy things to each other, but to see each other doing sexy things. According to an article about Skype sex in the Stony Brook Statesman, make sure your door is locked and blinds are drawn to prevent unexpected visitors, remove the clutter around your desk which the person on the other end will have to see, check your equipment (don’t now if they mean the webcam or to be sure you have recently shaved or trimmed), make sure the lighting and sound are good, and enjoy!

SLASH—type of fan fiction where famous male characters end up having sex with each other, eg. Spock & Kirk, Starsky & Hutch, Harry & Snape. Fem Slash is a sub genre focusing on female characters, as in Janeway & Seven-of-Nine.

SLICK—refers to male or female genitals that have been shaven. Some people enjoy the look or feel of being slick as a sexual turn-on. Women often shave to accommodate thongs, bikini bottoms, or because it’s the current fashion; men might shave to make their units look bigger, neater or more porn like, or if a partner prefers it that way for oral sex.

SLOPPY SECONDS—having intercourse when you are not first in line.

SLOW DANCING—an event that sometimes causes guys to get erections, especially during the teenage years. When girls congregate in the women’s restroom during dances, do they tell each other things like, “Billy got a raging boner while we were slow dancing” or do they limit themselves to mundane stuff like, “This new bra is killing me” or “Damn, Flo just arrived”?

SLUT HUT—a dorm-room version of a bed canopy. Created when you have bunk beds and drape a sheet down from the top bunk so it encases the bottom bunk. keeps your roommate from seeing you having sex if he or she walks in.

SMEGMA—cheesy stuff that forms beneath the foreskin and under the hood of the clitoris; “knob cheese.” Calling someone “smeg” is an insult.

SNAP-ON TOOL—slang term for a dildo that some women wear in a harness and use as if it were an erect penis.

SNAP QUEEN—a gay male where the “snap” refers to the snap of fingers that’s done with an exaggerated spin-and-prance attitude. Can also refer to a woman who ranks high on entitlement and is demanding of others.

SNOWBALLING—when a man swallows his own ejaculate after it’s been somewhere else; for instance, his partner gives him oral sex, he ejaculates in his partner’s mouth, and then he kisses his partner and his partner transfers the ejaculate back into his mouth.

SNOW QUEEN—slang term for a gay black man who only dates white men.

SOAPY MASSAGE—one of those Thai sex experiences where the girl undresses and bathes you, massaging your body with her wet soapy body.

SOAPY TIT WANK—masturbating between a woman’s well-lubricated breasts.

SOCIAL SWING CLUB—think of it as the YMCA for people who like to have sexin groups. A private membership organization for couples who swing.

SODOMY—any kind of sex that is declared illegal by local statute. In some areas, it can be oral sex or regular intercourse, in others, specifically anal sex.

SOFT SWINGERS—a couple who is in a relationship who enjoys sexual contact with others except for intercourse, which they only do with each other.

SOUNDS—medical instruments used to help dilate the urethra. Used in urethra play or penis stuffing. There are different types of sounds with different shapes and thicknesses, including the Pratt, Van Buren, Hegar, Hank and Dittel.

SOUTHERN COMFORT—sex with someone from the south.

SPANISH FLY—alleged aphrodisiac made from powdered blister beetles; causes severe irritation of the bladder and urethra (peehole) and can be very toxic. Women have died from it. The effect is not dissimilar to drinking Draino. Giving her roses and a foot rub will get you much further and won’t endanger anyone’s health.

SPASM CHASM—a vagina or “gristle gripper.”

SPECTATORING—sex therapist-speak: describes when a person is worried or obsessing about his or her sexual performance instead of being able to enjoy it. Can result in performance anxiety.

SPIT ROASTING—in a threesome, when the person in the middle is on all fours and is being penetrated from behind while sucking on the penis of the person in front. When viewed from the side, it gives the appearance that the person in the middle is a chicken on a two-penis rotisserie. While the middle person gets basted from both ends, it is unlikely that she or he actually rotates.

SPLASH CONCEPTION—getting pregnant from anal sex, after the male ejaculate oozes out of the woman’s rear end and drips into her vagina. Are people conceived in this way doomed to be anal retentive?

SPLIT BEAVER—porn-speak for when a woman spreads her labia wide open.

SPLOSHING—Smearing yourself or a partner with wet and gooey things such as raw eggs, paint, mud or whatever as part of a fetish or sexual turn-on. Became a bit popular in the late 1980s in the UK, growing out of the fetish wank mag Splosh! A related term is: “WAM” or wet and messy. Does not include excrement, which is a fetish of a different color, or smell.

SPREADER BAR—see “leg spreader.”

SRPE—Sleep-Related Painful Erections—results in waking with painful erections. This understudied problem may occur more often than is reported, and can result in serious pain and loss of sleep. Daytime erections are not painful for these men, only those that occur during sleep. Sleep erections and waking erections are governed by different parts of the brain, and it appears that SRPEs may be the result of spasms or ischemia. Oral baclofen currently appears to be the experimental treatment of choice, but that may change when more is learned about SRPEs.

SSRIs—a class of overly prescribed antidepressants which include Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox, Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor, Serzone and Remeron. According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine (January, 2008), any person who has been given a prescription for an SSRIs should be given a warning such as the following:
There is a high probability of sexual side effects while on SSRI medications. There are indications that in an unknown number of cases, the side effects may not resolve with cessation of the medication and could be potentially irreversible.
Not to be taken lightly.

STAR-TREK SEX—Denobulans: Denobulans practiced polygamy. Each Denobulan had three partners, and each of these had two other partners. Denobulans were liberal about sex, with sex occurring during Denobulan mating cycles. Deltans: Deltans were so highly sexed that they were forbidden from having sex while in Starfleet. Deltan sex was such an intense activity that a member of another species who had sex with a Deltan could go insane as a result. Vulcans: Vulcans were ruled by strict logic except every seven years during pon farr, which was the Vulcan mating cycle when a Vulcan lost all emotional control. Klingons: There is not a single thing about Klingon sex that could ever be described as “gentle.”

STONE BUTCH—A lesbian with stereotypical male gender role behavior; as described in Leslie Fineberg’s book Stone Butch Blues.

STONEWALL—refers to the 1969 Stonewall Riots, when New York City police raided a gay bar in Greenwich Village and large numbers of gay people resisted arrest. A landmark event in the gay-rights movement. In gay-rights, epochs of time are often divided into “pre-Stonewall” and “after Stonewall.”

STRAP-ON—abbreviation for “strap-on dildo,” usually worn and used by women on men or on women, but can also be worn by men for double penetration or if their own penis can’t get hard; “bend over boyfriend” or “pegging.”

STUNT BABE—a woman who poses as a gay soldier’s girlfriend at military events and whose picture he keeps on his desk.

SURFER—person who has sex with waves.

SWEET DEATH—refers to orgasm or the release that comes with orgasm, from the French term “la petite mort.” The term has become so dated it isn’t used very often.

SWINGER—partner swapping, enjoys having sex with lots of people.

SWING LOW—rap term for “oral sex.”

SWINGERS—couples in committed relationships who enjoy having sex with a variety of sexual partners.

SWITCHES—people into BDSM who enjoy alternating between the top and the bottom roles.

TAINT—perineum, the area between the genitals and anus that taint his balls or ass, or taint her vagina or ass; see “perineum.”

TAR BEACH—rooftop of a tall building in large urban setting where people do things like sunbathe, grow plants, make out or shoot up drugs.

TEA-BAGGING—when a man lowers his testicles into his partner’s mouth. Not to be confused with tea parties or social movements with that name.

TEA ROOM—public rest-room where gay men go to have sex; in Britain they are called “cottages.” In Australia they are known as “beats.”

TEDDY—women’s lingerie that is a combination of tank top and panties, sometimes snaps at the crotch, usually made of silk, lace, acetate, or leather.

TENTACLE SEX—the full name is Tentacle-Hentai Sex, where monsters and octopuses wrap their well-endowed tentacles around the bodies of shocked and surprised female Hentai characters, who then feel the kind of intense sexual sensations that any woman might feel if a horny octopus slid its slimy tentacle inside of her vagina. Probably no different than going to a sushi bar while taking hallucinogens. See “Hentai.”

TEXAS TWO-STRAP—highly regarded brand of dildo harness.

TEXTILE—term that nude sunbathers sometimes used for a person who wears a bathing suit; see “cottontail.”

THE EXCLUSIVITY TALK—when you’ve spent the past month texting your new lover more than everyone else combined, it’s time to consider taking your relationship to the next level, going from casual to committed. The conversation or vehicle by that happens is known as “the exclusivity talk.” No matter how many loving and wonderful things a partner might say to you, don’t assume exclusivity until you’ve had the talk.

THE GAY SEAT—the empty seat that teenage boys and college bros tend to leave between them when they are in a theater, what with the social and possibly emotional dangers of sharing an arm rest.

THIGHBROW—pubic hair that’s sticking out from the sides of a bikini or thong.

THONG—a narrow piece of material that passes between the legs and up through the butt where it attaches to a waistband. Thongs have traditionally been the underwear of strippers. Different types of thong include the “G-string” or “T-back,” which are the underwear equivalent of dental floss, the “Tanga,” which has more material in the seat, and the “Rio” which has straps on the sides. Thongs are even popular for some guys to wear. Our gyno-consultant warns about thongs causing vuvlar irritation. They also provide a highway (or low-way) for bacteria from your anus to visit your vagina.

THREESOME—sex with two women and a man or two men and a woman. See “menage a trois.” Hopefully, having a menage a trois is not as complicated as spelling it. See the chapter “Threesomes.”

THRUSH—vaginal infection caused by candida or monilia fungus. Men can also get it, but not in the vagina.

TICKET—for a guy in the swinger’s lifestyle to show up without a woman is like arriving at a church potluck without a casserole. Single men usually aren’t allowed. To get around this dilemma, single males will occasionally invite females who aren’t necessarily into swinging—just to get through the door. Such a woman is known as a ticket. This is seriously frowned upon.

TIJUANA BIBLES—pornographic pulp parodies that were popular in America from the 1920s until after World War II. These 8-page booklets were printed on cheap paper and often found themselves in the knapsacks of soldiers and schoolboys. These crudely illustrated booklets (approximately 4” by 6”) often poked fun at actors, politicians, and public figures, although their main focus was another kind of poking. They were irreverent, usually humorous, and always dirty—featuring sex-starved characters from Popeye and Donald Duck to baseball heros, with their pants down and penises proud. They were eventually put into paper graves by new glossy magazines such as Playboy. The pin-up powerhouse Esquire probably served a death notice or two as well.

TIPPED UTERUS—a woman’s uterus is usually parallel to her spine; a uterus that is tipped points somewhat toward the back. Can make rear entry or doggie-style intercourse uncomfortable.

TIT-FUCKING—when a well-lubricated penis is thrust back and forth between a woman’s breasts; aka “Russian.” See “soapy tit wank.”

TOOTHING—a media hoax that claimed people were using their Bluetooth devices for proposing sex or hooking up with strangers in their immediate vicinity, such as at a cafe or on the train. It sounded so convincing that it got wide airplay and became part of modern urban legend.

TOP AND BOTTOM—a top is someone who prefers doing, and a bottom is someone who prefers having it done to them. In BDSM, the top is the master, mistress or dominator; the bottom is the servant, submissive or slave. In anal sex, the bottom is the one who is catching or receiving.

TOSS or TOSSING SALAD—licking a lover’s anus, aka “rimming.” Can also be a UK term for masturbating, “to toss off” or “toss oneself off.”

TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME—very rare and sometimes lethal infection. Was associated with use of the ultra absorbent Rely tampon.

TRAINED WOOD—necessary requirement of a male porn star, meaning he can pretty much get an erection on cue. Failure to get it up on cue means you’ve got “untrained wood,” which puts you and your big bulge in the same unemployment line as most of the legit actors in town.