The Guide to Getting It On (41 page)

You would think a chapter on giving a woman oral sex would be straightforward and easy: place tongue on detonator (clitoris), start licking or sucking, and wait for the explosion or implosion (orgasm) to occur. Instead, this is one of the more difficult subjects to write about. If you doubt this, consider some of the answers we’ve received over the years from women who we’ve asked to tell about receiving oral sex:

“I hate it when a guy sucks on my clit”

“I can’t get off unless he sucks on my clit”

“I’m more sensitive on the right side of my clit”

“My clit is omni dimensional, left side, right side, it doesn’t matter”

“I want him to lick from bottom to top with a flat tongue”

“I need him to flick the tip of his tongue from side to side, hard and fast”

“I love it when he fucks me with his tongue”

“I hate it when he fucks me with his tongue, that’s what his penis is for”

“I like his mouth on my whole vulva, like he’s nursing on it”

“I want him to focus on my clit, anything else is a waste”

“Women are so much better at this than men”

“I’m bisexual, and the best oral sex I’ve gotten was from men”

“I love it when he pushes a wet finger into my asshole just before I come”

“He better not touch my ass when he’s giving me oral or it’s over”

Anyone who can predict the exact type of oral sex a new lover will want deserves
The Congressional Medal of Muff Diving.
And then there are women who enjoy oral sex but let other things get in the way:

“I worry I take too long”

“I don’t like his face being down there; I’m sure I smell”

“There’s no way he can enjoy doing it”

“I can’t relax; it makes me feel too vulnerable”

“I so much prefer intercourse!”

So instead of going insane by trying to write the perfect chapter on giving a woman oral sex, the best and smartest way to approach the subject was to provide an array of basics. Give your partner a pen and highlighter and ask her to highlight the parts of the chapter that are relevant to her puss and your mouth. Better yet if she’ll make notes for you in the margins.

This type of approach will help prevent the oral-sex version of being benched, e.g. when she pulls your head up although the mission was not accomplished. Involving her in this way will also give her a clear signal that you want to learn. She might not have gotten that from her last couple of partners.

Please understand that one lover might have a clit that’s so sensitive anything beyond butterfly kisses will push her from ecstasy to agony. Keeping your head stationary with a wet mouth and light suction might be best. Another lover may have a sleepy clit that needs the oral version of a demolition derby.

Does She Want Your Penis or Your Mouth?

We have asked hundreds of women survey takers if they had to choose between receiving oral sex and intercourse, which would it be. No one anticipated that a large majority would say intercourse, hand’s down, even if they have orgasms more reliably when receiving oral sex. The deciding factor was usually intimacy over orgasms. However, for a lot of women the best of both worlds is having intercourse after they’ve had an orgasm from oral sex. That takes the orgasm onus off of intercourse and allows them to focus on the closeness and full body sensations. Some women enjoy it when a partner will mix it up with oral sex, then intercourse, then oral sex, and then he finishes off when his penis is inside of her.

Of the women who were not comfortable receiving oral sex, about half were concerned with the way they might taste, smell, or how their labia look. Some worried they take too long and it’s asking too much of a partner to keeping doing it for what they perceived was an eternity. Other women couldn’t believe a partner would enjoy having his face between their legs, and some said they can never come that way.

There are also women who don’t have aesthetic concerns or partner worries. They just don’t like having oral sex.

When a Woman Doesn’t Like Her Own Body

“I have a lot of hang-ups about oral sex because I think the guy wants to get out of there as soon as possible. So I need to be reassured you really enjoy it. The orgasm I have with oral sex is the most wonderful, but it often takes a long time and would try the patience of anyone.”
female age 38

Some women worry they’re going to take forever to come, and this won’t be good for a partner. If that’s a concern for her, discuss how oral sex is all about pleasure and not just about coming. Assure her you’ll surface when you stop enjoying what you’re doing.

Some women don’t like their bodies and are uncomfortable when a man has a close-up view. If this is the case, it might help ease your partner’s mind to do oral sex with the lights out. On the other hand, if your partner is looking for an excuse to feel bad about herself, she will assume you turned the lights out because you find her body ugly. Either way, it never hurts to talk about this. One solution is to start doing oral sex when the two of you are in the shower. She might then feel that she is clean enough for you to enjoy it.

How Being Aroused Can Help Her Feel Less Modest or Inhibited

Given the mixed messages women get about their bodies and sexuality, it’s not surprising that a woman might let modesty or shame get in the way of allowing a partner to go down on her. Fortunately, inhibition tends to decrease as sexual arousal goes up. So while a partner may let negative feelings keep you from giving her oral sex before she’s highly aroused, she might be more open to it and even encouraging after she has become aroused.

Giving Up Control and The Need for Reassurance

When receiving oral sex, a woman needs to give up control. While this won’t be a problem for most women, others will struggle with turning the reins over to a partner. This can especially be an issue for women who have experienced sexual abuse. Whatever the reason for a lover’s concern, reassure her that you’ll stop whenever she asks you to.

The Way Women Taste

Most carpet munchers know that some vulvas taste great, others less so. Beyond that, men are fairly useless when it comes to discussing genital taste. Lesbian and bisexual women, however, will talk your ear off about the subject of how women taste:

“One woman who I loved going down on suddenly began tasting different—not nearly as good. As it turned out, she had started taking vitamin pills. It was never a problem if she took herbs, but vitamin pills would ruin the way she tasted.”

“A former girlfriend was a tennis pro. Sometimes she would play tennis for a few hours and I could go down on her without her taking a shower and she would still taste sweet. There are other women whom I have gone down on right after we showered, and they still didn’t taste good. In making my own inquiries, I found that the sweeter tasting women didn’t eat red meat.”

“I watch my diet carefully, but I have to admit, the sweetest, best-tasting lover I ever had was a meat-eating, beer-drinking dietary disaster.”

So much for consensus. Finally, a thought from the cleanest lesbian in all of Hackensack, New Jersey:

“Some women spend more time filing their toenails than they do taking care of their pussies. When I’m in the shower, I always separate the lips of my vulva and wash between them. I’m also careful about little bad-tasting pieces of gunk that collect under my clitoral hood. These are what uncircumcised males get under their foreskin if they don’t pull it back and clean it.”

A Q-tip dipped in mineral oil works well to get rid of any “little pieces of gunk” that stick under the clitoral hood. For more information, please see the Chapter 48:
Vulva Care–Keeping Your Kitty Happy.

Learning to Listen: Getting Your Muff-Diving Mojo Going

One of the goals of oral sex is to help your partner achieve a degree of pleasure where she’s not able to speak coherently. This is what happens during higher states of sexual arousal. Certain parts of the brain appear to shut down. This can take away a woman’s ability to conceptualize what’s going on or to give you helpful feedback. Ordinarily, she would know what direction your tongue is moving across her clitoris. But as she becomes highly aroused, she might not be able to tell. She just knows it feels good.

So you’re left having to interpret what her sounds and body movements mean. They can be anything but straightforward. If a sign reader had to make sense out of a woman’s hand motions when she’s tugging on your hair or ears during oral sex, he might think she was having seizures. (Actually, our neurological consultant believes that orgasmic states are not dissimilar from brain seizures; fortunately with more enjoyable results.)

So you’ll want to learn what some of the following movements mean when you are giving a woman oral sex, since they will be your way of receiving directions from her:

• Sudden flinching, convulsing or jolting
  
• Hips arching
  
• Hips bucking
  
• Inner thighs quivering
  
• Inner thighs squeezing your face
  
• Crotch moving into your face
  
• Crotch pulling away from your face
  
• Body goes limp with occasional twitching
  
• Body goes limp with no twitching
  
• Her hand squeezing yours
  

Fingertips on the top or side of your head can also speak volumes, but their movements can be frantic and difficult to understand. The same is true with gasps and cries if she makes them. It’s also important to be mindful of her breathing patterns.

Some of the things you might discuss with a lover after you’ve had oral sex a time or two are her signals for when she wants you to keep doing what you are doing without making any changes, as well as when she wants you to make changes. Also, if you are giving her oral sex and she says something like “harder,” she might actually mean faster, or vice versa. So there’s no point in getting frustrated or angry if it seems like she’s not being clear. You’ve been doing something right if she’s not able to string words together with much coherence.

Cunnilingus Catastrophe #1 — Avoid the Porn Model

Like so much of porn, what’s done on the screen should stay on the screen. The porn version of muff diving is an abomination that’s created for the sole purpose of providing camera access to the woman’s crotch.

Cunnilingus in porn is called “fence painting” because the person who is giving the oral sex sticks his or her tongue out as far as is humanly possible and makes licking stabs at the woman’s puss. The entire event is over faster than a teenage boy on prom night. In real life, giving oral sex is more like wrapping your lips around a juicy peach, which is terrible for the camera. You should also plan to be at it for fifteen to twenty minutes or more.

Cunnilingus Catastrophe #2 — Taking the Direct Route

There’s only one truly wrong way to arrive at a woman’s crotch, and that’s by going straight to it. This is why the term “muff diving”—as useful as it is—is so terribly wrong. Never, ever dive. Approach slowly with lips that meander and a tongue that teases. You should have already engaged your lover’s other favorite hot spots before beginning your descent into the valley below. Your partner’s entire vulva should be throbbing and moist before your lips make contact with it.

Cunnilingus Catastrophe #3 — When All Systems Are Not Aroused

A wet tongue is not an antidote for a dry puss. Your mouth can only amplify what you’ve already got going on above your partner’s belt. Fantasy, romance, teasing, kissing and caressing are your oral sex advance team. If your lover likes to walk on the wild side, add the occasional spanking or overpower her physically, or act out her favorite fantasy first.