The Guide to Getting It On (62 page)

Sex Toy Strategy, Part 2

You might find that the perfect sex toy for your lover is one that you use on yourself. Perhaps he’ll be turned on by watching you use it. Or make a deal with your partner: she selects a toy for you to use on her, and you select a toy for her to use on you. Then go shopping together. The neat thing about using toys in this way is they help you reveal new things about yourself to your partner, and vice versa. Sex can get boring when you think you know all there is to know about the person you are sleeping with.

Beware the Phthalates

Not long ago, Greenpeace issued a warning that sex toys put off a dangerous class of chemicals known as “phthalates.” Were schools of dildo-using dolphins in danger? No. It’s much worse than that. Phthalates have been linked to liver damage, kidney damage, lung damage, and damage to the developing testes in the fetus. Phthalates are added to plastics to increase their flexibility. They are used to create favorite sex-toy materials such as Cyberskin, Softskin and Futurotic. Phathalates put the jelly in jelly rubber sex toys.

Flat out—do not buy plastic sex toys from dealers who are not highly reputable, and only buy toys that these dealers will certify do not contain phthalate residues. Hard plastic toys usually do not contain phthalates, nor do 100% silicone toys or dildos made of glass. The trouble with silicone is that it doesn’t need to be 100% silicone to be called silicone.

As for the supposed quick fix of putting a condom between you and your phthalate-containing sex toy, keep in mind that the amount of phthalates in a number of sex toys has been described by researchers as being so high that they are “off the charts.”

Books, DVDs & Websites

If you are going to get something sexy, why not search out some cool videos that the two of you could watch? Check out sites that only carry titles they think you will enjoy, e.g.:
ComeAsYouAre.com
Goodvibes.com, Blowfish.com, Babeland.com,
and
Stockroom.com.
These people work really hard to screen adult movies so you don’t have to. Read their reviews.

There’s a new world of erotic books and literature that you and your partner can read together or to each other. Collections of short stories by competent writers abound. The quality is leagues above the typical letter to Penthouse. Some will get you going, others will fall short, but it’s nowhere near as bleak as it used to be. A collection of erotic short stories might be the best sex toy you ever gave or got.

Another thing to consider is getting some of the wonderful how-to videos from The Pleasure Mechanics. These are the best how-to videos on sex that we have ever seen. They are great for couples. We shudder to think how much more sexual pleasure there would be in the world if every eighteen-year-old were given these videos to watch. You can preview them on their website at
www.ThePleasureMechanics.com
.

Creative & Low Cost

There are plenty of great sex toys that cost hardly anything. For instance, you can make a series of coupons that you give your partner. Each lists a special thing you are willing to do, from giving your partner a bath and full-body massage to things we can’t print even in
The Guide
. Your partner gives you the coupon when she wants you to do what it describes. (Author Laura Corn’s
101 Nights of Great Sex
is built around this concept.)

Another idea is for each of you to describe a scene that is a personal turn-on. Then go shopping for props to make the scene happen. For instance, if one of you has the fantasy of being stopped and frisked by an officer in uniform, you can go to a used-clothing store and buy the perfect uniform for acting out the scene, perhaps including handcuffs. If the fantasy concerns a visit to the doctor, do your shopping at a medical-supply house.

If you don’t like that idea, try surprising your partner with a sex toy that’s found at your local pet store. When your lover comes home, you can be standing there in your underwear with your new dog collar around your neck; hand her the leash and say, “I’m yours for the night!” But don’t forget to attach a bow to the collar, as they do at the fancy pet groomers, and hope that she isn’t bringing her parents home for a surprise visit.

A Moldy Penis

Consider getting a kit from your local art-supply store that allows you to make a mold of your partner’s penis. Best to tell the clerk that you want to make a mold of your son’s foot or hand. It’s the same kit and won’t cause you unnecessary embarrassment. You and your lover will be laughing yourselves silly as you make the mold of his penis and the whole thing becomes an adventure. He might even be paralyzed with excitement when you use the finished casting of his penis on yourself or place it proudly on your bookshelf. You can make it out of different materials.

You can find a kit that’s specially designed to mold your man’s penis at
www.artmolds.com
. Put the words “intimate” or “penis” into their search engine once you reach their site.

Oscillators, Generators,Vibrators and Dildos

Some people claim that the light bulb is the most important electrical invention of the last 130 years; others say it’s the vibrator. The rest of this chapter is about vibrators and dildos. Its emphasis is on the use of these devices by couples as opposed to individuals, although many people use them for solo sex. If what you want is a vibrator, dildo or butt plug, the people who work at reputable stores try them out themselves and are pretty conscientious about what they will and won’t sell.

Confusing Vibrators with Dildos

People often confuse the vibrator with the dildo, which is like confusing a rhino with a giraffe. Both are native to the bush, but that’s where the similarities end.

Vibrators are valued for their buzzing properties and are usually rested on the surface of the genitals rather than placed inside them. Dildos are penis-shaped and are used as such. Most don’t vibrate like a vibrator, but are made to be kept inside the vagina to give a feeling of fullness or to be thrust in and out. They can also slide up and down between the lips of the vulva.

The common battery-operated plastic vibrator is sometimes thought of as a dildo. While some women use them as such, the vibrating part of these little devices is usually located on the tip, which means a woman can’t insert it deeply inside her vagina and expect it to keep her clitoris happy. These are also made of hard plastic, and some of them don’t pack much of a wallop compared to the more adequately appointed AC models. Most of these novelty devices aren’t in the same league as a well-made dildo or vibrator, although some highly devoted users will disagree.

Vibrators, Dildos & Couples

Most guys have no problem with a partner who uses sex toys; many find the situation a total turn-on. However, some males worry that their sweetheart will start preferring the vibrator or dildo to them. Some believe that a sex toy means they aren’t hung well enough or can’t deliver the goods. Some men are particularly confused when their partner says she loves having intercourse with them, but prefers a dildo that’s bigger than they are. The reason is because a woman totally controls the dildo play, so she can go with tighter specs. Sex with her partner is more athletic, and so she often prefers a penis that isn’t as big as her dildo for actual lovemaking.

If he is a considerate, caring, real flesh-and-blood guy, most women will still want him regardless of how often they fire up the old magic wand. In fact, it’s hard to have a meaningful conversation with a vibrator, and no dildo has ever played catch with the kids or gotten up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. Also, sex toys aren’t the sort of thing that you can cuddle up next to and feel safe with—not that you can with all men.

In purchasing a new vibrator or dildo, a woman who is in a relationship should consider making her partner a part of the selection process. This way, her partner won’t feel left in the dust, resentful or inadequate. On the other hand, good luck getting a guy to attend an all-woman’s sex-toy party.

Perhaps it might not hurt to show your partner this chapter, which encourages men to take pride in a woman’s sex toys. It might also help to let him know that women who buy vibrators and dildos are often extremely happy with their sex partners.

Making Friends with Your Lover’s Toys

There’s no point in feeling at odds with your lover’s vibrator or dildo. If you are a man and you partner orders up a new sex toy, ask her to show you how she uses it. Hold her tight while she’s getting herself off with it. If she has a vibrator, why not let her use it on you? (Men might like the feel of it better on their perineum than on the penis.) And be sure to have her use it during intercourse. Some couples find the sensations to be sensational. It’s even possible to combine vibrator play with oral sex. The man pushes a small battery-operated vibrator against the bottom of his tongue while the tip of his tongue is touching his partner’s clitoris. Or you can gently push a dildo in and out of her vagina while planting wet kisses on her clit.

Vibrator Bits & Pieces

Here are a few vibrating facts that might be helpful if you have never used a vibrator. People with medical conditions such as phlebitis should check with a physician before using a vibrator.

Coil vs. Wand:
When it comes to vibrators that plug into the wall, there are two different types of vibrator design: wandlike vibrators with longer bodies and large heads, and coil vibrators with compact heads. Each type delivers a unique sensation. Coil vibrators are smaller and nearly silent. The sensations they produce tend to be more localized. The more popular wand vibrators are bigger and make a distinct humming noise. Newer models are rechargeable and will hum for up to an hour per charge. Some come with two heads which can be used for a variety of purposes, including on your genitals and bum at the same time, as well as for up and down your spinal column. Try to compare the feel of different coil vibrators, as some pack a serious vibe.

Be a Brand-Name Snob:
While some people swear by the little battery-operated vibrators, plenty of other people swear at them. The beefier AC-powered vibrators, such as those crafted by Hitachi, Oster, Wahl, and Panasonic, deliver more bang for the buck and won’t let you down at critical moments. They are also well-made and have warranties.

First-Time Users:
If you are new to a vibrator, be sure to use it on the lowest possible speed at first while you learn to navigate the head around your pubic bone. Some new users have actually bruised their pubic bones by plopping the head of a vibrator on a bony pelvis.

Geography:
Some women move a vibrator around the entire vulva rather than park it in one particular place; others find a favorite spot and leave it there as though it were welded.

Sensation Levels:
Some users like the sensations full blast; others like to muffle the vibrator with a towel or even a pillow, and some hold the vibrator in a way that allows their fingers to transfer the vibrations. Some vibrators have variable-speed controls.

Hands:
Some vibrators strap on the back of your hand. Your fingers deliver the vibrations. These can be great fun to use, but they do tend to numb out the fingers temporarily.

Fingers:
Some of the tiny vibrators fit on your finger. They are incredibly small and almost unnoticeable.