The Healing (40 page)

Samuel stood on the porch with his children, watching as the vans transporting his family disappeared from sight. He and the kids had come outside to say their good-byes, leaving Esther in the basement to wash a load of clothes she’d volunteered to do. Now Samuel had to go back in the house and tell Esther what he’d decided about them. But he wouldn’t do it until after Marla and Leon left for school. He didn’t want them to hear what he had to say. The kids had come to care for Esther, and he knew they’d be disappointed to learn that she wouldn’t be watching them while he was at work anymore. On second thought, maybe he’d wait to tell them until after he found a replacement for Esther. No point in upsetting them until he had to, at least.

“Well,” Samuel said, squeezing Leon’s shoulder, “you and your sister had better get your lunch pails and head for school. You don’t want to be late.”

“Are you gonna give us a ride today?” Marla asked.

Samuel shook his head. “It’s a nice day with no rain in sight, and it’ll do you both good to walk.”

At first, Marla looked like she might argue the point, but then she obediently went into the house.

A short time later, Marla and Leon headed down the road with their schoolbooks and lunch pails. Since Esther was still in the basement, Samuel gave Penny and Jared a couple of picture books to look at and instructed them to stay in the living room. Then, with a feeling of dread, he headed to the basement.

He found Esther bent over the washing machine, feeding one of his shirts into the wringer. Not wishing to startle her, he waited until the shirt had come through the other end and she’d placed it in the basin of cold water to rinse.

“Ah-hem.” He cleared his throat.

She whirled around. “Ach, Samuel! I didn’t hear you come down the stairs.”

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to frighten you.”

She straightened and reached around to rub her lower back. “Did you need me to come upstairs and keep an eye on the little ones while you take Marla and Leon to school?”

“No. They’re walking today, and Penny and Jared are in the living room, looking at some picture books my folks gave them.”

“Oh, I see.” Esther looked up at him and blinked a couple of times. “Samuel, I was wondering—”

“Esther, I need to speak with you about something,” he said.

She gave a nod. “You go ahead with what you were going to say.”

He cleared his throat again and popped the knuckles on his left hand. This was even more difficult that he’d thought it would be. “I’ve decided it’s best if you and I don’t see each other socially anymore.”

“Why, Samuel? Have I done something wrong?”

Samuel winced. He could see the hurt on Esther’s face, and it was almost his undoing.

“You haven’t done anything wrong. I just think it’s best for me and the kinner if I don’t get romantically involved with anyone.” He shifted his weight and leaned against the wooden beam behind him, needing it for support. “You see, I’m still in love with my wife, and so—”

“I understand that there will always be a place in your heart for her, but I was hoping there might be a place in your heart for me, too.”

There is, but I can’t let it happen. I can’t break the promise I made to Elsie
.

“Samuel? Can we talk about this?”

He shook his head. “I’ve made my decision, and I think it’s for the best.”

Tears welled in Esther’s eyes, and it was all Samuel could do to keep from pulling her into his arms. How could I have been foolish enough to let myself fall in love with her? he berated himself. If I keep seeing Esther, I’ll be breaking my promise to Elsie, and I can’t live with that
.

“There’s something else,” Samuel said.

“What’s that?” Esther’s words came out in a whisper.

“I think it’s best if I find someone else to watch the kinner.”

Her eyes widened. “Why?”

“The more you’re around them, the more attached they’re becoming. Pretty soon, they’ll start to think of you as their mamm.”

“I’ll make sure they don’t,” Esther was quick to say. “I’ll make sure they never forget their mother.”

“I’ve made my decision,” Samuel said, drawing on all the strength he could muster. “You have plenty to do helping Bonnie at the B&B, so in the long run it’ll be better if you don’t have my kinner to watch.”

“Oh, but Samuel, I—”

“I’ll let you know as soon as I’ve found someone to take your place.” Samuel turned and hurried up the stairs. If he stayed a minute longer, he might weaken and change his mind.

E
sther spent the next two days in a daze. It had been hard to go to Samuel’s this week and watch the children, knowing it would all be over once Samuel found a replacement for her. What made it even worse was learning that next Saturday was Leon’s birthday, and she was sure she wouldn’t be included in the celebration.

“You look so tired this morning,” Bonnie said, as she and Esther sat at the table in her kitchen for breakfast early Saturday morning.

“I am tired,” Esther admitted. “I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

“Since tomorrow will be an off-Sunday from your church, maybe you can sleep in.”

“Maybe so.” Esther was glad there would be no church tomorrow. She couldn’t stand the thought of going to church and seeing Samuel sitting across the room with his boys beside him. It was bad enough to think about not watching the children anymore, but knowing Samuel didn’t love her was breaking her heart.

“Esther, are you okay?” Bonnie touched Esther’s shoulder.

Esther jerked her head. “I … uh … Actually, no. I’m not okay.”

Bonnie’s brows furrowed. “What’s wrong?”

“I haven’t said anything to you or even Suzanne because I’ve been too upset to talk about it, but Samuel and I won’t be courting anymore.”

“How come?”

“He still loves his wife, and apparently he doesn’t love me.” Esther gulped on the sob rising in her throat. “To make matters worse, he’s looking for someone else to watch his children, so I’ll soon be losing them as well.”

“I’m so sorry, Esther, but maybe it’s for the best.”

Tears slipped from Esther’s eyes and splashed onto the table. “H–how can it be for the best?”

“Think about it. If Samuel’s still in love with his wife, then the memory of her would probably come between you. He might even compare everything you did to the way his late wife did things.”

“I don’t expect him to forget her. I just …” Esther’s voice trailed off as she struggled not to break down.

Bonnie patted Esther’s back. “I’m sorry Samuel led you on like he did. It wasn’t right for him to start courting you and then drop you flat.”

Esther looked at Bonnie’s pinched expression, and for the first time since she’d met Bonnie, she saw a look of bitterness on her face. Could someone Bonnie once loved have hurt her real bad? Might she have suffered from a broken relationship that had left her with emotional scars? Esther was on the verge of asking when the telephone rang.

“I’d better get that.” Bonnie stood and moved quickly across the room.

Esther pushed away from the table, too. It was time to get busy doing the dishes and quit feeling sorry for herself.

Paradise, Pennsylvania

“Suzanne and Titus said to tell you they were sorry you couldn’t make it to their wedding,” Timothy said as he and Hannah sat at the breakfast table, with Mindy in her high chair between them.

“Didn’t you tell them my mamm had sprained her ankle?”

“Of course I did, but they still missed seeing you.” Timothy reached across Mindy and touched Hannah’s arm. “I missed you, too.”

She smiled. “Well, you’re home now, and just in time for your birthday next week.”

“You mean you didn’t forget?”

“Of course not. How could I forget my husband’s birthday?”

He reached for a piece of toast and slathered it with strawberry jam. “You’ve been so busy helping your mamm, I wasn’t sure you’d remember.”

“Well, I did, and I’m planning to invite your folks and my folks over for supper that night.”

“What about my brothers and sisters?”

Hannah frowned. “Our house isn’t big enough for that many people. We’d have to go out to a restaurant for that.”

He clapped his hands. “That’s a good idea. Why don’t we see if we can reserve a room at the Plain and Fancy Restaurant, and then everyone can be invited?”

Hannah handed Mindy a plastic cup filled with orange juice. “I don’t think they have a room at any of the restaurants around here that would be big enough to accommodate all of your family.”

“You may be right.” Timothy took a bite of his scrambled egg and washed it down with a swallow of coffee. “I could clean out the barn and have my birthday supper in there.”

Hannah shook her head. “That’s too much work—not to mention that it would be a lot of trouble to haul all the food out there from the house. I think we should just stick with inviting your folks and mine and have a nice quiet supper here at the house.”

“Okay, whatever.” Timothy stared into his cup of coffee. Just like always, he was giving in to Hannah’s wishes. One of these days, he was going to have something go his way, and she’d just have to deal with it.

Hopkinsville, Kentucky

“Looks like you’re making good progress on that house,” Allen said when he showed up at the jobsite where Samuel had been working all morning.

Samuel gave a nod and kept on painting. “I’m hopin’ to get done early today so I can have my driver drop me off at the Zooks’ place on my way home.”

“Are you talking about Ethan Zook?”

“Uh-huh. His younger brothers and sisters are friends with my kids, and I’m hoping that Ethan’s mother might be willing to start watching my kids.”

Allen tipped his head. “Why would you need Mrs. Zook to watch them when you have Esther? She’s watching them today, right?”

“Nope. Since the woodshop’s not open today, I left them with Suzanne.” Samuel glanced at Allen then back at the house he was painting. “I need to find a replacement for Esther before next week if possible.”

“How come?”

Samuel bent down and dipped his paintbrush into the bucket beside him. “Esther’s got enough on her hands helping Bonnie at the B&B.”

“They’re only busy whenever Bonnie has guests, and with winter coming, things will probably slow down at the B&B.”

Samuel shrugged and continued painting.

Allen moved closer to Samuel and looked him in the eye. “What’s going on, Samuel? Is there a problem between you and Esther?”

“It’s not a problem exactly,” Samuel said. “We’re just not going to be seeing each other anymore.”

“Are you kidding me?”

Samuel shook his head and continued to paint. “I’ve decided it’s the best thing to do.”

“Best for who—you or Esther?”

“Both of us. Esther deserves someone who can love her with all their heart. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

Samuel stopped painting and turned to face Allen. “I made a promise to my wife, and I can’t let myself forget what we had when she was alive.”

Allen put his hand on Samuel’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I think I understand a bit of what you’re feeling. When I lived in Washington, I had a girlfriend whom I loved very much. In fact, I was hoping to marry her, but then she got hit by a car and died.” Deep wrinkles formed across Allen’s forehead. “A part of me died that day, too, and I was sure I would never fall in love again. But you know what, Samuel?”