The Heinie Prize (6 page)

I called out to Mrs. Heinie, “I'm sorry. We can't take a test today,” I said.

She squinted at me through her glasses. “And why not?”

“It's a holiday,” I said. “I know how you like to celebrate holidays, Mrs. H. We all admire that about you. You're a real
holiday
person.”

She let out a groan. “What holiday?”

Think fast, Bernie. Think fast
.

“Uh…it's Saint Mort's Day,” I said.

She squinted even harder. “Who is Saint Mort?”

“Well…uh…” I could feel beads of sweat rolling down my forehead. I loosened my school tie. “Saint Mort? He's the one who…freed all the moths,” I said. “You remember that story, right? How he freed all the moths? We always celebrate it on this day, and—”

“Shut your piehole, Bernie,” Mrs. Heinie said kindly. “Everyone take out a sheet of paper and number from one to two hundred.”

It was going to be a lonnnnng test.

Especially for me, since I didn't even read the chapters!

She passed out the test booklets, and I glanced at the questions. I knew I didn't know any of the answers.

But does Bernie B. know the meaning of the word
panic
? No way.

I can write my way out of any test.

I lowered my head and started to write. I put down as much information as I knew. I even wrote a paragraph about Saint Mort and the moths.

I wrote until my hand was sweating. I stopped to wipe it off on my blazer sleeve. And that's when I
saw Sherman—copying my answers!

I looked down again. I pretended I didn't see him. But I did. I glanced over at him.

Yes. His eyes were on my paper. He read my answers, then copied them word for word onto his own paper.

Imagine that! Sherman Oaks copying off me. He probably forgot to buy the answers from someone.

He was being very sneaky about it, too. Coughing into his hand as he read my paper. Pretending to sneeze while he read my answers.

I decided to have some fun with him.

I wrote:

“Mount McKinley is actually a very large, very tall person—not a mountain.”

I glanced over and saw Sherman write it down on his paper.

Then I wrote:

“Santa Claus lives at the North Pole with all his elves.”

Sherman wrote that down, too.

This was fun. Giggling to myself, I wrote:

“I'm a total jerk.”

I followed Sherman's pencil as he wrote: “I'm a total jerk.”

I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. I gazed at Sherman's paper. “Dude, you have such perfect handwriting,” I whispered.

“Of course I do,” Sherman whispered back. “If you want to be outstanding, you have to have perfect handwriting.”

I heard a book slam at the front of the room. “Bernie! Sherman!” Mrs. Heinie shouted. “Come see me, please.”

Everyone in class turned to stare at us.

“You're both out of here. I saw you cheating!” Mrs. Heinie said, pointing at us.

“But—but—” Sherman sputtered. “We weren't cheating. He was just admiring my handwriting!”

Mrs. H. rolled her eyes. “That's the worst excuse I ever heard.”

She motioned to the door. “Out of here. Both of you. And…you realize, I hope, that you are
both
out of the running for the Heinie Prize. Fuhgedaboutit!”

Sherman gasped. “But I already have the display
case!” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a hundred-dollar bill. He shoved it at Mrs. Heinie. “Will this help change your mind?”

“Out! Both of you! Out!” Mrs. Heinie shouted.

Sherman was shaking his head, muttering to himself. “She always liked my bribes. She told me I was going to win.” He was totally upset.

But I had a grin on my face. Why?

Because I'm a GENIUS! That's why.

Don't you see? With Sherman out, Belzer actually stood a chance of winning the prize.

Now I needed an idea. A
big
idea to make absolutely sure Belzer won.

And the idea came to me as I was walking past Pooper's Pond. I held my nose to keep out the smell of the muddy water. And as I started to cross the little bridge over the pond, the idea struck me:

If Belzer saves my life, he'll HAVE to be Most Outstanding Citizen!

That night I dragged Belzer to Pooper's Pond. It was a bright, clear night. The smelly water of the small pond shimmered like silver in the moonlight.

I pulled Belzer to the little stone bridge. “Here we are,” I said. “Are you ready to be a hero?”

Belzer stared at me. “Huh?”

“Listen to me,” I said. I gripped his chin and held his face pointed at me. It's the only way to keep his attention.

“Mrs. Heinie takes a walk around campus every night,” I told him. “She's going to pass this bridge in
exactly twelve-and-a-half minutes.”

Belzer raised a hand to check his watch. But he wasn't wearing a watch. He studied his wrist.

I gripped him by the chin again. “Are you listening? Here's the plan. I'm going to pretend to fall off this bridge. I fall into the pond. I thrash around. I'm drowning. You jump in. You pull me out.”

“I do?” Belzer said. He couldn't talk too well. I was gripping his chin too hard.

“Mrs. Heinie sees you save my life,” I said, “and you're a hero. She
has
to give you the Heinie Prize.”

Belzer pulled his chin free. “But, Bernie,” he said, “the pond is two feet deep.”

“It doesn't matter,” I said. “She'll see me in trouble down there. I'll be flapping around, screaming for help. You'll be a hero, Belzer. You'll be
outstanding
!”

Belzer shook his head. “I…can't do it, Big B.”

“Excuse me? Why not?”

“I'm afraid of water,” Belzer said.

“It's only two feet deep,” I said.

“It doesn't matter,” Belzer replied. “Really. Holding a glass of water makes me seasick!”

I checked my watch. There wasn't time to argue.
Mrs. H. would be at the bridge in exactly ten-and-three-quarter minutes.

“Belzer, you don't want to leave Rotten School, do you?”

He shook his head.

“Then you've got to be outstanding. You've got to save my life.”

He lowered his head. “I…I just can't, Bernie,” he said.

Suddenly, I had an idea. “Wait right here,” I said. “Can you do that?”

“If I don't look down at the water,” Belzer said.

“Don't move,” I ordered. “I'll be right back.

I raced to the dorm. I knew what I had to do to make Belzer a hero.

A few minutes later, I came running back to the little bridge. What was I carrying? Two of Belzer's precious bowling balls.

Did you forget that Bernie B. is a genius?

I saw Mrs. Heinie walking toward the pond. Right on time. I raced onto the bridge. I raised the bowling balls high so that Belzer could see them. And then I JUMPED into the water.

The bowling balls and I made a loud splash.

I heard Mrs. Heinie gasp.

She saw me go in.

And then I heard Belzer's horrified scream: “No!

No! Not my beautiful bowling balls!”

And he dove in after them.

A few seconds later I was sprawled on my back on the grass. Belzer stood next to me, wiping the two bowling balls dry with his T-shirt.

I spit some water from my mouth and grinned up at Mrs. Heinie. “Did you see that?” I said.

“I saw it, but I don't believe it,” Mrs. H. replied.

“I was taking the bowling balls to the wood shop to polish them,” I explained. “I lost my balance and fell into the pond.”

I raised my head and pointed to Belzer. “Did you see how that HERO dove into the water? He pulled
me out and saved my life.”

Mrs. Heinie frowned at me. “It looked to me like YOU had to pull Belzer out.”

I jumped up and swiped off her eyeglasses. “Have you checked these lately? They look kinda weak to me.”

I handed them back to her. “Belzer was a
superhero
!” I said. “I…I was going under for the
third time
! He saved my life.”

Mrs. H. squinted at Belzer for the longest time. “He's a hero? Are you
sure
?”

Belzer burped up some pond water.

“An outstanding citizen if I ever saw one!” I said.

“Hmmmm,” Mrs. Heinie replied. “Hmmmmm.”

 

What's the next chapter in this suspenseful drama? It's the Award Ceremony.

Did I do it? Did I rescue my slave—er, I mean, my
friend
? Did I turn Belzer into a winner?

The suspense is
killing
me….

Every fourth grader at Rotten School trooped into the gym for the big Award Ceremony. Mrs. Heinie stood under the scoreboard with Headmaster Upchuck at her side. We all sat down on the floor, facing them.

The Headmaster is very short. He came up to Mrs. Heinie's knees.

She lifted him onto a box so that he could speak into the microphone. “Is this on?” he asked. His voice boomed over the gym, echoing off the tile walls.

Feenman, Crench, and I squeezed up near the front. We all had our fingers crossed.

Was I nervous? Does a monkey have bad breath? Of
course
I was nervous. I'd slaved long and hard for this moment.

“Feenman, wake Belzer up,” I said. “This could be his big moment.”

Feenman grabbed Belzer's shoulders and shook him awake.

“Is this on?” Headmaster Upchuck repeated. He tapped the microphone several times. It sounded like drumbeats echoing over the gym. Lots of kids held their ears.

Sherman Oaks dropped down beside me. He had a grin on his face. He pushed a silver trophy toward me.

“What's that? The Dork of the Month Award?” I asked. “Why don't you give someone
else
a chance to win that?”

“It's my own personal trophy,” Sherman said. “For ‘Best Handwriting.' My parents sent it to me because they still believe I'm outstanding. It's solid silver. It cost two thousand dollars.”

I studied it. I read the name engraved in big letters on the side: HERMAN.

“They misspelled your name,” I said.

“We're not a close family,” Sherman replied.

“Is this on?” Headmaster Upchuck asked again.

“YESSSSS!” everyone screamed.

“You're all Rotten students,” he announced. “But only one fourth grader can be outstanding enough to win the Heinie Prize. Mrs. Heinie has picked the winner. The rest of you are all losers. But I mean that in the nicest way.”

He climbed down off the box and backed away.

Mrs. Heinie stepped up to the microphone and cleared her throat several times. “I give this prize every year to the Most Outstanding Student and Most Outstanding Citizen,” she said.

I felt my throat tighten. My hands were sweating. My heart was pounding. This was the big moment I'd been waiting for.

“Feenman, wake up Belzer again,” I said.

He shook Belzer awake.

“This year,” Mrs. Heinie continued, “the fourth grade class was truly rotten in every way. I thought
about not giving any prize at all. But I guess I have to. So…the winner is…”

I held my breath. I shut my eyes.

“BELZER!” Mrs. Heinie announced.

Huh? Did she really say Belzer?

Yes!

All us Rotten House guys jumped to our feet. We clapped and shouted and pumped our fists in the air. We slapped high fives and low fives and did the secret Rotten House Handshake.

Then I shoved Belzer to the front of the gym.

“Congratulations, Belzer,” Mrs. Heinie said, shaking his hand. “Now that you're standing in front of the whole school, would you like to tell us your
first
name?”

Belzer blinked at her. “I don't know it,” he said. “My parents never told it to me.”

“Well, congratulations, anyway,” she said. She turned to the Headmaster. “Mr. Upchuck, would you like to shake Belzer's hand?”

“No thanks,” he replied.

Mrs. Heinie handed Belzer a big, silver trophy. She placed a silver crown on his head. “You are now
King of the Campus!” she announced. She shook his hand again.

“Uh…thanks,” Belzer said. A terrific thank-you speech.

Kids gave one last cheer. Then they stood up and started to walk out of the gym.

I hurried over to the newly crowned king and slapped him on the back. “We did it!” I cried. “All my hard work and slaving for you paid off big-time. You don't have to thank me, Belzer. I know I deserve it. But I don't want your thanks. I'm just happy to see that
outstanding
smile on your face!”

Belzer straightened his crown. Then he gave me a shove toward the door. “Bernie, go get me a root beer,” he said.

Uh-oh.