The Incorporated Knight (14 page)

             
"With unicorns and other uncanny beasts lurking about? Methinks not."

             
"I'll show thee! I go—"

             
She started off at random. When Eudoric imitated the grunt of the unicorn, Bertrud shrieked, ran back, and threw her arms around Eudoric's neck. Eudoric firmly unpeeled her, saying:

             
"When you're nice and clean and the unicorn's caught, then, if you're fain to play such games, we shall see."

             
Theovic returned at sunset with a bundle. "Here's your soap and all, me lord. Jillo asked after you, and I told him things were going well."

             
Since Bertrud was busy cooking their supper, Eudoric let the bath go until morning. Then, stripped to his breech clout and with gleeful help from Theovic, he pushed and hauled Bertrud, struggling and weeping, down to the stream. They pulled off her skirt and blouse and forced her, shrieking, into the water.

             
"Gods, that's cold!" she cried. " 'Twill spell the death of me!"

             
" 'Tis the best we have, my lady," said Eudoric, scrubbing vigorously. "By the Divine Pair, you have layers of dirt over layers of dirt! Hold still, damn your arse!
...
Hand me the comb, Theovic. I'd get some tangles out of this hair ere washing it
...
All right, I can manage the rest. It's time you fed the horses."

             
Looking disappointed, Theovic started back towards the camp. Eudoric continued soaping, scrubbing, and ducking his victim, who by now was too cowed to complain.

             
"Now," he said, "does that feel so dreadful?"

             
"I—I know not, sir. 'Tis a feeling I never have had before. But I'm cold; let me warm myself against you. My, bean't ye the strong fellow, though?"

             
"You're no weakling yourself," said Eudoric, "after the struggle we had to get you into the water."

             
" I work hard. There's none to do the chores but me, since me mother ran away with that pedlar. What thews!"

             
She felt his biceps, inching closer until their bodies touched. Eudoric felt his blood stir.

             
"Now, now, my dear," he said,
"after
the brute's captured, not before." When she continued her explorations, he barked: "I said nay!" and pushed her away.

             
He pushed harder than he intended, so that she fell backwards and got another ducking. When she scrambled up, her expression had changed.

             
"So!" she said. "The high and mighty knight won't look at a poor peasant lass! Too grand for aught but them perfumed, painted whores of the courts! Ye may take them all to Hell with you, for all of me!"

             
She strode out of the pool, picked up her garments, and vanished towards the camp.

             
Eudoric looked after her with a troubled smile. He devoted himself to his own ablutions until the smell of breakfast reminded him of the passage of time.

             
He and Theovic rigged the net again. The unicorn came around noon. As before, it seemed about to approach the seated Bertrud but then went into a frenzy of rage. Again, Bertrud had to scramble up the tree to safety.

             
This time, the unicorn did not even wait for Eudoric to pull the lanyard. It blundered off into the forest at once.

             
Eudoric sighed. "At least, we shan't have to haul that damned net up into the trees again. But what could have gone wrong this time?
...
"He caught a faint smirk on Theovic's face. "Oho, so thither lies the wind, eh? Whilst I was bathing this morn, you were futtering our frail, so she's no more a virgin!"

             
Theovic and Bertrud giggled.

             
"I'll show you two witlings!" howled Eudoric.

             
He whipped out his hunting f
lachion and started for the pair. Although he meant only to spank them with the flat, they fled with shrieks of mortal terror. Eudoric ran after them, brandishing the short, curved sword, until he tripped on a root and fell sprawling. When he had pulled himself together again, Theovic and Bertrud were out of sight.

-

             
On the borders of the wilderness, Eudoric told Jillo: "When that idiot brother of yours comes in, tell him, if he wants his pay, to return to finish his task. Nay, I won't hurt him, for all his loonery. I should have foreseen what would happen. Now I must needs leave these nags with you whilst I ride Daisy back to Svanhalla's hut."

             
When Eudoric came again to the cabin of the witch of Hesselbourn, Svanhalla cackled. "Ah, well, ye did your best. But, when the devil of carnal desire reaves a youth or a maid, it takes one of monkish humor to withstand it. That's something neither of those twain possesses."

             
"All very true, madam," said Eudoric, "but what next? Where shall I find another virgin, sound of wind and limb?"

             
"I'll send me familiar, Nigmalkin, out to scout the neighboring holdings. Baron Rainmar's daughter Maragda's a filly unridden, but she's to wed in a month. Besides, I misdoubt ye'd find her suitable."

             
"I should say not! Rainmar would hang me if he could lay hands on me. But
...
Harken, Madam Svanhalla, would not
you
qualify for the part?"

             
The witch's bony jaw sagged. "Now that, Sir Eudoric, is something I should never have hit upon.

             
Aye, for all these years—an hundred and more—I have forsworn such carnal delights in pursuit of the highest grades of magical wisdom. For a price, mayhap
...
But how would ye get an ancient bag of bones like me to yonder wildwood? I'm sp
r
y enough around this little cabin, but not for long tramps or horseback riding."

             
"We'll get you a horse litter," said Eudoric. "Bide you here, and I shall soon be back."

-

             
Thus it came to pass that, half a month later, the aged witch of Hesselbourn sat at the foot of the same beech tree on which Eudoric had rigged his net. After a day's wait, the unicorn approached, sniffed, then knelt in front of Svanhalla and laid its porcine head in her bony lap.

             
Eudoric pulled the lanyard. The net fell. As Svanhalla scrambled to safety, the unicorn surged up, shaking its head and snorting. Its efforts to free itself got it only more entangled. Eudoric dropped down from the branches, unslung the hunting horn from his back, and blew a blast to summon Jillo.

             
Eudoric, Jillo, and the forgiven Theovic rolled the beast, exhausted but still struggling, onto an ox hide. Avoiding thrashing hooves and foaming jaws, they lashed it down. Then the hide was hitched to three horses, which towed the ungainly bundle along the trail to the place where they had left the wheeled cage.

             
It took most of the next day to get the animal into the cage. Once it almost got away from them, and a soaking thunderstorm made their task no easier. But at last the brute was securely locked in.

             
Eudoric and his helpers shoved armfuls of fresh-cut grain stalks through the bars. The unicorn, which had not eaten in two days, fell to.

-

             
The Archduke Rolgang said: "Sir Eudoric, ye've done well. The Emperor is pleased—nay, delighted.

             
In sooth, he so admires your buffalo-pig that he's decided to keep the monster in his own menagerie, 'stead o' sending it off to the Cham of the Pantorozians."

             
"I am gratified, Your Highness," said Eudoric. "But meseems there was another matter, touching your daughter Petrilla, was there not?"

             
The fat Archduke coughed behind his hand. "Well, now, as to that, ye put me in a position of embarrassment. Ye see, the damsel's no longer to be had, alas, no matter how noble and virtuous her suitor."

             
"Not dead?" cried Eudoric.

             
"Nay; quite otherwise. I'd have saved her for you, but my duty to the Empire overbore my private scruples."

             
"Will you have the goodness to explain, my lord?"

             
"Aye, certes. The Grand Cham paid his visit, as planned. No sooner, howsomever, had he set eyes 'pon Petrilla than he was smitten with a romantical passion. Nor was she 'verse."

             
"Ye see, laddie, she's long complained that no gallant gentleman of the Empire could ever love a squatty, swarthy, full-bodied lass like her. But here comes the mighty Cham Gzik, master of hordes of fur-capped nomads. He, too, is a short, stout, swart, bowlegged wight. So 'twas love at first sight."

             
"I thought," said Eudoric, "she and I had exchanged mutual promises—not publicly, but—"

             
"I reminded her of that, also. But, if ye'll pardon my saying so, that was a hard-faced commercial deal, with no more sentiment than a turnip hath blood."

             
"And she's—"

             
"Gone off with the Grand Cham to his home on the boundless steppes, to be his seventeenth—or mayhap eighteenth, I forget which—wife. Not the husband I'd have chosen for her, being a heathen and already multiply wived; but she'd made up her mind. That's why my
'
perial brother did not deem it necessary to send the Cham your unicorn, since Lord Gzik had already received from us an unthridden pearl of great price.

             
"But, even if Petrilla be no longer at hand, my brother and I mean not to let your service go unrewarded. Stand up, Sir Eudoric! In the name of His Imperial Majesty, I hereby present you with the Grand Cross of the Order of the Unicorn, with oak leaves and diamonds."

             
"Ouch!" said Eudoric. "Your Highness, is it necessary to pin the medal to my skin as well as my coat?"

             
"Oh, your pardon, Sir Eudoric." The Archduke fumbled with fat fingers and finally got the clasp locked. "There ye are, laddie! Take a look in the mirror."

             
"It looks splendid. Pray convey to His Imperial Majesty my undying thanks and gratitude."

             
Privately, Eudoric fumed. The medal was pretty; but he was no metropolitan courtier, swanking at imperial balls in shining raiment. On his plain rustic garb, the bauble looked silly. While he could let Petrilla go without uncontrollable grief, he thought that, if they were going to reward him, a neat life pension would have been more to the point, or at least the repayment of his expenses in unicorn-hunting. Of course, if times got hard and the order were neither lost nor stolen, he could pawn or sell it
...

             
He said nothing of all this, however, endeavoring to look astonished, awed, proud, and grateful all at the same time. Rolgang added:

             
"And now, laddie, there's the little matter we spake of aforetime. Ye are authorized to extend your coach line to Sogambrium, and beyond, if ye can manage. By a decree of His Imperial Majesty, howsomever, all fares collected for such scheduled carriage shall henceforth be subject to a tax of fifty per centum, payable monthly
...
"