The Ironwood Collection of Alpha Moves (21 page)

When she got out . . . it was well worth the wait.  She looked gorgeous. 

A pretty white top with large blue flowers and yellow highlights, something that suggested far more cleavage than she was showing (or even has).  Tight black skirt, knee-length, and black hose.  With her work shoes, which I think are the most attractive on her, and her hair and make-up fixed . . . she looked good enough to molest right there and then.  She had accomplished her
Mission
, and with three minutes to spare.

“Twirl for me,” I instructed, smiling, with just a little mocking in my voice.  Instead of a snappy retort she swallowed and turned around. 
She did what I told her to. 
Obediently.
  And t
hat skirt did
amazing
things for her ass.  “Outstanding,” I pronounced, “you look gorgeous!”

Blush.
  I’ll take the point on that. 

“Thank you,” she says, demurely.  “Oh my God,
you changed into a suit?
  Did you
buy
a suit?  Jesus, Ian,
how much
—
?
”

“So much that you’re going to be feeling
very
grateful later,” I say, confidently.  She blushes
again
.  The ladies behind the counter giggle girlishly. 

“Well,
you
look
HOT
,” she says, putting lusty emphasis on the last word.  I give the sales ladies a glance, and then strike an overly-dramatic GQ pose.

“What do you think, ladies?  Am I earning my hourly rate?”

They assure me that yes, they would indeed rip off my clothes and hump me until we’re all sore, in politely-worded feminine code.  Any doubt about the Preselection buff is gone.  Mrs. Ironwood’s eyes are flashing and she’s biting her lip.

I’m about to hand them my credit card when I see a pile of panties towards the back.  I stride over and very quickly select three pairs (to qualify for the sale price) that I like, two black, one nude, and that I think will be both sexy and comfortable – and yes, I
know
the correct size.  I’ve done my research.

“Add these,” I say, casually, and they do.  Total bill is just under $200.  Even with her padding it a little with a few hosiery items
she didn’t think I noticed
.  Mrs. Ironwood has done well.

“You’re buying me
panties?
” she asks, surprised.

I shrug.  “Who says they’re for
you?
” I quip, as I grab the bags.  I offer her my elbow, and she takes it. 
Leading her by the arm is far more Alpha than holding hands. 
She thanks the ladies profusely for their invaluable assistance.  She feels even more like a princess as we’re leaving.

“So you got me all dressed up to go to
Ruby Tuesday’s
?” she chuckles.  “That’s
adorkably
romantic!”

“Yes, it would be,” I say, as I lead her firmly past the mall restaurant and out into the parking lot.  “But I upgraded from ‘adorkable’ to ‘elegant’.  Hope you don’t mind.”

“Ian,” she says, suddenly back on unsure ground.  “If we’re not . . .
where the hell are we going?”

“To dinner,” I say, as I open the passenger side door and help her in.  She needs help, too.  Between the Spanx and the skirt, she can barely walk, let alone mount a SUV.
  Hot, but hard to run away.  Just the way I like her.

“Are you going to blindfold me?” she jokes.

“We don’t have time,” I say, as I close the door.  “
Maybe later. 
We have a
9:30
reservation.”

That
got her attention.  Usually the only restaurants we go to where you have to make a reservation
in our town
involve giant mechanical instrument-playing mice and really bad, over-priced kids' pizza.

“So where are we going?” she pleads, excitedly.  “And who the hell makes a
9:30
dinner reservation?”

“I do,” I say, smugly, as I slide into the driver’s seat.  “And you make that late a reservation when it’s Valabar’s.”

“We’re going to
Valabar’s
?” she asks, excitedly – and no, before you Google it, that’s a
fictional
name. 

The name “Valabar’s” is from the classic Steven Brust
Dragaera
fantasy series, and it describes a restaurant of surpassing excellence.  I use it here to guard both my identity and
that of the restaurant we went to
. 
Made my nerd roll.

But when you
read
“Valabar’s”, just imagine the swankiest joint in your town. 
That’s
the place. 

“Well why didn’t you
say
so?” she asks, reverently.

“Because that would have ruined the surprise,” I point out.

“Oh.”   She thinks for a moment, and then grabs my hand.  “Yeah, I guess it would. 
We’re going to Valabar’s!
” she says, excitedly, and giggles.  Yes, it’s
that
big a deal.

“We’ve got twenty minutes before we get there,” I say, casually, as I crank the engine.  “Music?”

The Perfect Red Pill Date P
hase
IV
: Music

When it comes to music on a date, conventional wisdom says that Classic Rock or edgy Hip-Hop is your best bet if your goal is damp panties.  Personally, I find both a bit played-out, particularly Rock. 

While that sounds blasphemous, the fact is that rock music is
overtly sexual
, with the pelvis-motivating back-beat encouraging primal responses and suggestive lyrics that leave no doubt as to what,
exactly,
the artist meant
by any given metaphor in the song
. 

But there's no mystery
in Rock
in the slightest.  No intrigue.  No
romance
.  Rock is as subtle as a submachine gun.  Going to Rock music as the sound track to a date is trite and unimaginative.  Hip-hop, likewise.  And I
despise
Country music, no offense meant. 

But Rock?  That’s like buying a cherry-red Camero when you turn 40: it's effective but so clichéd it’s
painful.

Instead I turned back the clock and chose a selection of Big Band and Swing tunes, mostly with playfully teasing lyrics or sweet romantic music. 

Now, you might be thinking
“Gosh, that dude is White,”
and you would be correct; but regardless of skin-tone or cultural background, Swing music has a lot to recommend it.

I listen to Swing a lot, since I tote my kids around every day.  Instead of blaring “Kids Bop” indulgently, like Mrs. Ironwood does, or letting them listen to modern pop music as the Niece habitually does, I prefer Swing music because the lyrics are squeaky-clean and the subject matter is usually straightforward “boy meets girl” stuff without any of the
“Baby Lick My Love Pump”
you get from anything produced after 1975. 

As a result, my kids now can sing
“Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy”
and “
Chattanooga
Choo-Choo”
and a wide selection of Louis Prima, Frank Sinatra, and Bing Crosby.

I’m sure it will come in handy for them one day.  Don't ask me how.

There is a danger to playing Swing on a date, in that it reminds some women of their grandparents, which is not exactly “sex positive”.  On the other hand, the low-fidelity sound and the full orchestrations can set a romantic mood better than candlelight and Quaaludes. Had we been going somewhere casual, I may have gone with Delta Blues, Latin, or even Funk, but for Valabar’s the evening called for something classy.

(
Side Note: For those who feel that video games contribute nothing to our greater culture, please note that my current fetish for Swing comes from playing a game called
Fallout 2,
back around 1999 or so.  One of the great all-time classic post-apocalyptic games ever made, it began with a Louis Armstrong tune and maintained a retro 1950’s feel throughout the game.  More recently I played its much-evolved descendent,
Fallout 3
, which features an in-game radio station which plays a small selection of classic Swing tunes.  Since it’s customizable, players quickly added downloadable mods to the game, one of which was a delightful list of 1940s Swing music, most of which I’d never been exposed to in my Rock-saturated youth. Since that time I have explored the universe of Swing and come to appreciate it in a way I never would have expected.  So credit videogames with at least one important contribution to Western culture.
)

My playlist was carefully selected to inspire the right mood without doing anything to disrupt it.  I needed to stay away from the Andrews Sisters (whom I love but Mrs. Ironwood hates), but apart from that I had a lot of leeway.  So here’s the list I came up with, some (but not all) culled from Fallout:

1.
Jazzy Interlude
– Billy Munn (
Fallout 3
, a Swingin’ instrumental with an impressive fanfare, great way to start an eventful evening)

2.
A Kiss To Build A Dream On
- Louis Armstrong (The original
Fallout 2
theme song, as poignant and romantic a tune as you could ask for, sung by one of the most expressive voices ever)

3.
Daddy
- Julie London's version - the Entitlement Princess' themesong, played playfully to tease my ordinarily low-maintenance wife.  She's about as opposite to this song as you could ask.

4.
Jump, Jive & Wail
- Louis Prima version, although Brian Setzer's is perfectly fine.  A good, peppy sort of swing tune that makes you want to jitterbug.

5.
Wonderful Guy
-
Tex
Bernake & Margaret Whiting (Also from the
Fallout 3
soundtrack, and before that from
South Pacific
.  The perfect paen for a woman enjoying her man.

6.
Nothing's Too Good For My Baby
- Louis Prima & Keely Smith  An outstanding, playful and romantic duet
about how much fun it is to be married
.  No, really. 

7.
Way Back Home
- Bob Crosby.  The master of nostalgia sings one of the most nostalgic songs in history.  Another fine
Fallout
tune.

8.
Hey Girl
- Louis Prima & Keely Smith Another playful, romantic duet.